Bingo!
Page 1
BINGO!
Daniel MacIvor
Playwrights Canada Press
Toronto
Also by Daniel MacIvor
One Voice: House and Here Lies Henry
Never Swim Alone & This Is a Play
See Bob Run & Wild Abandon
I Still Love You: Five Plays
The Soldier Dreams
Marion Bridge
His Greatness
How It Works
You Are Here
Cul-de-sac
Monster
In On It
Bingo! © Copyright 2011 by Daniel MacIvor
Playwrights Canada Press
The Canadian Drama Publisher
215 Spadina Ave., Suite 230, Toronto, ON, Canada M5T 2C7
phone 416.703.0013, fax 416.408.3402
info@playwrightscanada.com • www.playwrightscanada.com
No part of this book, covered by the copyright herein, may be reproduced or used in any form or by any means—graphic, electronic, or mechanical—without the prior written permission of the publisher, except for excerpts in a review or by a licence from:
Access Copyright
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phone 416.868.1620
For professional or amateur production rights, please contact:
Thomas Pearson at ICM Talent, tpearson@icmtalent.com
Cover photo © Copyright Janet MacLellan
Cover design by Carolyn McNeillie
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
MacIvor, Daniel, 1962-
Bingo! [electronic resource] / Daniel MacIvor.
Play.
Electronic monograph.
Issued also in print format.
ISBN 978-1-77091-002-7
I. Title.
PS8575.I86B55 2011 C812'.54 C2011-906847-8
Playwrights Canada Press acknowledges the financial support of the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund and the Canada Council for the Arts, and of the Province of Ontario through the Ontario Arts Council and the Ontario Media Development Corporation for our publishing activities.
For Norm
Table of Contents
Title Page
Also by Daniel MacIvor
Copyright Page
Dedication
Bingo!
Production Information
Characters
Act One
Scene One
Scene Two
Act Two
Scene One
Scene Two
Scene Three
Scene Four
About the Author
Bingo! was first produced by Mulgrave Road Theatre at Halifax’s Neptune Studio on July 26 and 27, 2011, and toured to Guysborough’s Chedabucto Place and Glace Bay’s Savoy Theatre from July 29–August 3. The cast and crew were:
Heather Rankin: Kathy “Bitsy” Cameron
John Beale: Paul “Nurk” Kenney
Marty Burt: Dougie “Dookie” Duke
Ryan Rogerson: Jeff “Heffer” MacInnis
Emmy Alcorn: Laura “Boots” Boutlier
Director: Daniel MacIvor
Dramaturge: Iris Turcott
Assistant director: Richie Wilcox
Costume design: Janet MacLellan
Set design: Andrew Murray
Lighting design: Victoria Williams
Characters
Paul “Nurk” Kenney
Dougie “Dookie” Duke
Jeff “Heffer” MacInnis
Laura “Boots” Boutlier
Kathy “Bitsy” Cameron
Act One
¶ Scene One
NURK, a man in his forties stands alone. He speaks to the audience.
Nurk: We were friends. It was long ago. Pierre Trudeau was the prime minister. We drove Gremlins and Pacers and Volares. Gasoline was still sold by the gallon. We were going to the movies to watch Apocalypse Now and The Empire Strikes Back. M*A*S*H was keeping us home on Wednesday nights to watch television. Disco didn’t quite suck yet and everybody’s mother thought Rod Stewart was sexy. We had just survived the seventies and phrases like “the Internet” and “crack cocaine” and “global warming” hadn’t been invented. We drank a lot and smoked cigarettes and were always searching the house looking for some rumoured hallucinogen. Smoking tea bags rolled with nutmeg could get you high. It couldn’t. We drank a lot. We were teenagers, anything was possible, everything was ahead of us. We were friends. We waited by the phone, we ran to the phone, we made crank calls on the phone. “Do you have pop in the cooler?” Telephones used to hang in kitchens with cords on them and you had to stand beside them to talk. People smoked cigarettes on airplanes, in classrooms, in doctor’s offices. Reality television was the news. Rap was something we did to Christmas presents. We were friends. We were friends with people we now have nothing in common with. Some of us. We all had nicknames. Sometimes our nicknames were more complicated than our real names. I was Paul. Why did I need a nickname? Wasn’t Paul easy enough to remember? But we were friends. And we lived in a place that we would always and forever remember as a place called “home.” And that meant something. Thirty years ago. And it still does…
DOOKIE and HEFFER, also in their late forties, enter and join NURK as he continues.
Here. Now. Tonight.
The three men do shooters then whoop. Lights up quickly. A hotel room.
Dookie: Is that the one?
Heffer: Is that the one?
Nurk: Not for me.
HEFFER hits DOOKIE in the stomach.
Heffer: Dookie!
DOOKIE hits HEFFER in the stomach.
Dookie: Heffer!
HEFFER hits DOOKIE in the stomach.
Heffer: Dookie!
DOOKIE hits HEFFER in the stomach.
Dookie: Heffer!
HEFFER hits DOOKIE in the stomach twice.
Heffer: Dookie! Dookie!
Both HEFFER and DOOKIE hit NURK in the stomach.
Dookie and Heffer: Nurk!
Nurk: (laughing) Ow! Shit!
Dookie: That’s not the one! Shoot me again shoot me again.
Nurk: Hang on now it’s only early.
Dookie: That’s what I’m saying.
Heffer: I wanna rock and roll all night.
Dookie: And part of every day.
Heffer: What?
Nurk: Shut up.
Dookie: Dimshit.
Nurk: Yeah well that’s what it sounds like!
Heffer: What?
Dookie: That’s what Nurk thought it was.
Heffer: What?
Dookie: I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day.
Nurk: Shut up.
Dookie: He thought it was—
Heffer: Oh yeah oh yeah.
Dookie and Heffer: (singing) “I wanna rock and roll all night and part of every day.”
Nurk: Yeah yeah shut up.
Dookie: Dimshit.
Heffer: Part of every day because he’s got things to do in the day.
Dookie: Homework.
Heffer: Dusting.
Dookie: Jacking off.
Nurk: Shut up.
Dookie: Thirty freakin’ years boys, thirty freakin’ years. Can you believe it? It’s like yesterday.
Heffer: It’s like last night. It’s like this morning. It’s like ten minutes ago.
Nurk: It’s like right now.
Dookie: Yes it is!
Heffer: Yes it is!
Dookie: Shoot me again.
HEFFER pours three more shots.
Heffer: Here it comes.
Dookie: The night is young.
Dookie and Heffer: And so is she!
Dookie: Bring it on.
HEFFER hands shots around. NURK is reluctant.
Nurk: Hang on a sec.
Dookie: That last one might have been the one for Nurk!
Nurk: No it wasn’t, gimme.
NURK takes the shot glass from HEFFER.
Dookie: One two three.
They do another shot. They become quiet a moment.
DOOKIE presents his stomach to HEFFER. HEFFER hits him in the stomach twice.
Heffer: Dookie! Dookie!
HEFFER presents his stomach to DOOKIE. DOOKIE hits him in the stomach twice.
Dookie: Heffer! Heffer!
NURK presents his stomach to HEFFER.
Nurk: Just Heffer. Just once.
HEFFER and DOOKIE pound on NURK’s stomach three times. NURK shields himself.
Dookie and Heffer: Nurk Nurk Nurk!
Nurk: Ow. Shit.
Dookie: Was that the one?
Heffer: That was not the one.
Nurk: Ow. No. I want to take a break.
Dookie: I’ve got to call the wife.
Heffer: Good plan good plan.
DOOKIE and HEFFER both take out cellphones and dial.
Dookie: Before the truth serum kicks in.
Heffer: Effin’ a.
NURK takes out a smartphone and begins surfing.
Dookie: Hi baby… Nothing, just in my room… Getting ready to head over to the reunion… Nothing. Just relaxing. Watching the tube.
Heffer: (on phone, leaving a message) Hi it’s me, maybe you’re asleep.
DOOKIE signals HEFFER to be quiet.
Dookie: (on phone) …Nobody.
Heffer: (whispering on phone) I’ll see ya later.
Dookie: (on phone) Nobody. Heffer. We’re just hanging out in my room… Nobody. He’s on the phone to Deb… (to HEFFER) Say hi to Deb.
HEFFER gestures that she’s not on the phone.
DOOKIE gestures to say “hi” anyway.
Heffer: (to no one) Hi Deb.
Dookie: (covering the phone, whispering sharply to HEFFER) From Janice!
Heffer: (to no one) Oh. Janice says hi.
Dookie: (whispering sharply to HEFFER) Moron.
Heffer: (loudly so Janice can hear) Deb says hi.
Dookie: (on phone) He says Deb says hi… Nothing!… Watching the tube… Yes I am… They’ve got pay-per-view… No! Fights. There’s fights on… No the cruise was today… It was all right, it rained so we didn’t stay out long. Not much to see anyway from the harbour, just all the old folks on the boardwalk… No the smell’s mostly gone now. They’ve got it pretty cleaned up… Golfing… Yeah no I didn’t know… I know, I would’ve brought my clubs… Rent some I guess… Early, pretty early.
(to HEFFER) What time’s the golfing tomorrow?
Heffer: (whispering) Ten o’clock.
DOOKIE gestures that he can speak up.
Oh. Ten o’clock.
Dookie: (on phone) Ten o’clock Heffer says… Yeah not too bad… Did you take the Volvo in?… Well can you do it tomorrow?… And talk to Carlos, don’t talk to anyone but Carlos, make sure it’s Carlos that looks at it… Good. And call me before you okay anything. Anyway I better go… To the reunion!… Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow… Love you… Bye bye.
(He hangs up.) And now we’re good to go! Jeez she’s like a freakin’ interrogator from the freakin’ Inquisition.
He puts his cellphone on the bedside table.
(re: phone) And that is staying there for the night!
Heffer: Deb wasn’t picking up.
Dookie: She’s probably out picking up.
Heffer: (gestures to NURK) Dookie.
Dookie: (gets it, to NURK) Oh. Sorry. I was just…
Nurk: What?
Heffer: Nothing. You’re looking great though Dookie.
Dookie: I try.
Nurk: (to HEFFER) I thought you just saw him last month?
Heffer: Yeah.
Nurk: You guys see one another all the time.
Heffer: Yeah. So I’m just saying he’s looking great.
Nurk: Since last month?
Heffer: I’m saying compared to most of the other guys in our class Dookie’s looking great.
Dookie: Ah Heffer, Nurk’s just looking for a little ego boost.
Nurk: No I’m not.
Dookie: Don’t you think Nurk looks great Heffer?
Heffer: He looks good.
Nurk: What does that mean?
Heffer: What?
Nurk: Dookie looks “great” but I look “good”?
Heffer: You look good. You look your age.
Nurk: I look my age?
Heffer: Yeah. What do you want? You don’t look older than you are, you look your age. But c’mon Dookie looks like, I don’t know, five at least years younger than he is.
Dookie: I work out. I juice. Wheat grass.
Nurk: (to HEFFER) But how can you tell that when you see him all the time?
Heffer: Then I should be able to tell better then shouldn’t I?
Nurk: No because you see him all the time you can’t tell if he looks younger. You’ve got nothing to compare it to.
Heffer: How does that make sense? I compare him to all the lardasses and limpdicks in our graduating class.
Nurk: I’m just saying logistically.
Heffer: What? “Logistically”? Are you still rubbing in my face that you got into engineering?
Nurk: What? No. I—
Dookie: Hang on hang on. Look. (to HEFFER re: NURK) We saw him last… When? At the twenty-year?
Heffer: Yeah.
Dookie: At the twenty-year reunion.
Heffer: Ten years ago.
Dookie: (to HEFFER) Well it wasn’t your math keeping you out of engineering.
Heffer: Shut up. I’m glad I didn’t get in.
Dookie: (to HEFFER) We know. (to NURK) And I can say in the ten years since we’ve seen you you’ve maybe aged five years.
Nurk: I don’t care.
Dookie: Wouldn’t you say that was true, Heffer?
Heffer: (looking at NURK carefully) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah that’s about right. Which would put Nurk looking about ten years older than you Dookie.
Nurk: Hold on. What? If I look five years younger then I look the same age as Dookie looks.
Heffer: No because Dookie looks ten years younger.
Nurk: You just said he looked five years younger.
Heffer: Yeah.
Nurk: So how does that make sense?
Heffer: It does looking at the class. Because most people aged about fifteen years in the last ten years but you aged about five years in the last ten years which means that most people look five years older than they should but compared to them you look your age. Which is about ten years younger than most people but five years older than Dookie. But because Dookie looked five years younger already before you started aging your five years in the last ten so that makes Dookie look fifteen years younger than most people and ten years younger than you. You see? “Logistically.”
Nurk: Whatever.
NURK goes back to his smartphone.
Dookie: At the end of the day boys I think we all look pretty damn good compared to the… How did you so eloquently describe them, Heffer?
Heffer: Lardasses and limpdicks.
Dookie: …who make up the most of our graduating class.
Nurk: I really don’t care.
Heffer: And the girls, yikes.
Dookie: Yeah yeah the poor girls. All that child-bearing’s hard on a body.
Heffer: Kathy Cameron looks good though.
Dookie: Who?
Heffer: Bitsy.
Dookie: What’s Bitsy even doing at the reunion, she didn’t graduate.
Nurk: Nobody’s supposed to know that Bitsy didn’t graduate.
Dookie: Everybody knows that Bitsy didn’t graduate.
Heffer: But Bitsy doesn’t know that everybody knows.
Dookie: So?
Nurk: So as long as nobody tells Bitsy she didn’
t graduate Bitsy doesn’t have to know.
Heffer: That everybody knows.
Nurk: Exactly.
Heffer: (to NURK) You know she hangs out with Boots now?
Nurk: Who?
Dookie: Laura Boutlier.
Heffer: Never talked all through high school and now (indicates close with his fingers) just-like-that.
Dookie: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. That’s The Art of War.
Heffer: Maybe.
Dookie: Oh it is. I can tell you it is.
Heffer: From the looks of it there’s quite the opposite of enemies going on there.
Dookie: How do you mean?
Heffer: People say what they say.
Dookie: Boots and Bitsy?
Heffer: Well you remember Boots, she tried to get on the wrestling team.
Dookie: But Bitsy? Come on. No way.
Heffer: No I know, I don’t know.
Dookie: (to NURK) They both still live in town.
Heffer: So?