Dookie: (to NURK) “So” what? I’m just telling him.
Heffer: Why is that any big deal that they still live in town?
Dookie: I’m just telling him.
Heffer: There’s nothing wrong with still living in town.
Dookie: I didn’t say there was.
Heffer: So why say it if there was nothing wrong with it?
Dookie: I say “it’s a nice day” and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Heffer: But you’re not saying it’s a nice day you’re saying they still live in town.
Dookie: And they do.
Heffer: So? I mean look around. You’re up in Halifax, Nurk’s out in BC.
Nurk: Alberta.
Heffer: Wherever. But who here of this room still lives in town? Hello! I do.
Dookie: So?
Heffer: So I’m saying there’s nothing wrong with that.
Dookie: If there’s nothing wrong with it why do you keep saying it.
Heffer: You’re the one who said it.
Dookie: About Boots and Bitsy.
Heffer: Yeah.
Dookie: Well they do.
Heffer: And so do I.
Dookie: And do you have a problem with that?
Heffer: No.
Dookie: Good.
Heffer: I just mean, you know, whatever. Good.
Nurk: The Jays won.
Dookie: What?
Nurk: (holds up his smartphone) Checking the scores.
Dookie: Who were they playing?
Heffer: Cincinnati.
Dookie: Cincinnati, who cares.
Heffer: (re: NURK’s smartphone) Did you have that with you today?
Nurk: Yeah.
Heffer: You should have taken it out. Why didn’t you take it out?
Nurk: When?
Heffer: When freakin’ nimrod Norman Taylor was showing us his freakin’ thing. Like he invented it.
Nurk: It’s just a smartphone.
Dookie: I had one of those. I gave it to Janice. It got on my nerves. The buttons are too small.
Heffer: (to DOOKIE) Maybe your thumbs are too big.
Dookie: Shut up.
Heffer: No I mean in a good way.
Nurk: I don’t think Norman Taylor would have been too impressed with a smartphone, he’s a physicist.
Heffer: Well what was his thing he was drooling over? Made it sound like it would transport him to Mars or something. Man I wish we had that word “douchebag” when we were in school. Norman Taylor would have been the douchebag of douchebags.
Dookie: No Heffer no, Taylor wouldn’t have been a douchebag. He was a nerd. Nerds are geeks now.
Nurk: Or fanboys.
Dookie: What?
Nurk: Or geeks yeah.
Dookie: Douchebags are jocks who like to party.
Heffer: Oh. So we would have been douchebags?
Dookie: Of a sort.
Heffer: So to be a douchebag’s not a bad thing?
Dookie: Not if it’s a free bar and the girls are easy. Oh yeah!
Nurk: I’d rather be a geek than a douchebag.
Dookie: But in the end you’re just a nurk, Nurk.
Heffer: (in a strange high-pitched voice) Nurk nurk nurk nurk.
Nurk: No really, I’d rather be a geek than a douchebag.
Dookie: Well I’d rather be a douchebag than Norman Taylor.
Heffer: I’d rather be a fag than Norman Taylor.
DOOKIE comes up behind HEFFER and grabs him, pretending to have sex with him.
Dookie: And you got your wish Heffer ’cause you are!
Heffer: Oh baby oh baby give me that big man-root.
DOOKIE shoves HEFFER away hard, laughing. He goes for the bottle.
Dookie: Shoot me again.
HEFFER goes to NURK and reaches for his smartphone.
Heffer: Let me see that for a second.
NURK gives him the smartphone. Slowly over the scene it takes more and more of HEFFER’s attention.
Nurk: Don’t bust it.
Heffer: Yeah yeah. Or are you not allowed to lend it? Remember that Dookie? Whenever anybody’d ask Nurk for a ride on his bike he’d say “I’m not allowed to lend it.”
Nurk: I wasn’t.
Heffer: (in the high-pitched voice) Nurk nurk nurk nurk.
DOOKIE hands a shot to HEFFER.
(not taking the shot) I’m good for a minute.
Dookie: Pussy.
DOOKIE hands the shot to NURK.
Nurk: No I’ll hang on too. I’ve got to watch my sugar.
Dookie: You’ve got to what?
Nurk: I’ve got to watch my sugar. The doctor said I should watch my sugar. That stuff’s got a lot of sugar.
Dookie: It’s our thirty-freakin’-year high-school reunion and you’re going to watch your sugar? Screw your sugar. You’re never going to have another thirty-year reunion, Nurk.
Nurk: But I want to have a forty so I’m going to watch my sugar.
Dookie: Sugar’s not going to kill you. Watch your freakin’ sugar on Monday.
NURK takes the shooter and puts it down nearby.
Nurk: I’ll have it in a minute.
Dookie: (mocking) “I’ll have it in a minute after I finish my knitting.” Yes Grandma.
DOOKIE knocks a shot back.
Yeah!
DOOKIE pounds himself on the stomach.
Dookie Dookie Dookie Dookie Dookie Dookie!
DOOKIE waits a moment.
Not the one!
Nurk: How’s Janice?
Dookie: She’s good. Did you meet Janice?
Nurk: Yeah. At the twenty-year reunion. She and Lisa hit it off. They were emailing and stuff for a while.
HEFFER looks up from the smartphone.
Dookie: Oh yeah they hung out right right.
An uncomfortable silence in the room.
Listen, sorry about Lisa and all that.
Nurk: These things happen.
Dookie: Yeah yeah. Lucky you guys didn’t have kids. That’s when it gets messy.
Nurk: I guess.
Dookie: But sometimes it’s the kids who make you make it work. Jack was a good kid once he got through the teenage stuff. But Megan? I don’t know. I don’t get girls. She’s like her mother.
Nurk: You don’t get Janice?
Dookie: I don’t know. Just women generally. You gotta watch everything you say. Janice has got me on probation now.
Nurk: What for?
Dookie: For lying.
Nurk: You just lied to her on the phone before.
Dookie: I lie to her all the time. Women want men to lie, they just don’t want to catch them.
Nurk: Oh so that’s what women want.
Dookie: What I don’t get is why they ask? Like, why ask “What are you thinking about”? You think they want you to tell the truth when they ask that? They want to hear “I’m thinking about how nice your hair looks” or “What we’re going to do for our anniversary” or “How good those jeans look on you”—they don’t want to hear “I’m thinking about a beer” or “the game” or “Megan’s friend’s hot mom.” If they want the truth don’t ask the question where the lie is the only right answer. Anyway the lying’s not the problem it’s the getting caught lying that’s the problem.
Nurk: And you got caught?
Dookie: Two strikes now, three and I’m out. Or so she says. Ah but what would Janice do without me.
Nurk: Mmmm.
Dookie: But in the end you know, even with all the trouble, it’s the kids that make it worthwhile. Most people don’t stay together if they don’t have kids.
Nurk: Heffer and Deb are still together.
Dookie: Well that’s different.
Nurk: Why?
Dookie: Heffer was obviously firing blanks.
HEFFER looks up from the smartphone.
Heffer: What?
Dookie: Or like a little air rifle. Phft. Phft.
Heffer: What?
Nurk: Dookie’s questioning the potency of your spe
rm.
Heffer: What?
Dookie: No worries Heffer, a zero sperm count doesn’t make you any less a man.
Heffer: There’s nothing wrong with my sperm.
Dookie: Okay okay, chill out. (to NURK) Pushed a button there.
Heffer: You didn’t push any buttons. We could of had kids. We didn’t want kids.
Dookie: Who doesn’t want kids?
Heffer: We didn’t.
Dookie: Deb didn’t want kids?
Heffer: No.
Dookie: Come on.
Heffer: She didn’t.
Nurk: Lisa didn’t want kids.
Dookie: And look how that worked out.
Heffer: Lots of people don’t want kids.
Dookie: You didn’t want kids?
Heffer: No.
Dookie: Come on. Who doesn’t want kids?
Heffer: We didn’t.
Dookie: Why wouldn’t people want kids?
Heffer: We wouldn’t.
Dookie: But why?
Heffer: Because. We had stuff we wanted to do.
Dookie: You had stuff you want to do?
Heffer: Yeah.
Dookie: Then get a babysitter.
Heffer: Whatever.
Dookie: What kind of stuff do you want to do that you can’t have a kid?
Heffer: We never had a kid lifestyle.
Dookie: “Lifestyle”? Oh Heffer’s got a lifestyle! Well well. Tell us about your “lifestyle” Heffer.
Heffer: What do you care if we had kids or not? When did you all of a sudden become the fucking pope?
Dookie: Hey hey there’s no need for that. You don’t say that. You don’t say “effin’ ” and “pope” like that. Have some respect.
Heffer: Whatever.
HEFFER goes back to the smartphone.
Dookie: If that’s your lifestyle to talk like fine but you better know that that’s just disrespectful.
Heffer: Yeah yeah.
Dookie: I mean whatever but hey.
Heffer: I know I know.
Dookie: Whatever man.
Heffer: No no yeah no really yeah no sorry.
Dookie: Okay.
DOOKIE pours another shot for himself and HEFFER.
Nurk: So lying to your wife’s okay but disrespecting the pope isn’t?
Heffer: (to NURK) Hey hey now. He was right.
Dookie: (to NURK) What are you a philosopher all of a sudden?
Heffer: Yeah I thought you were an engineer.
Nurk: It seems like a contradiction that’s all.
Dookie: It’s priorities. Stick to engineering.
Heffer: Big man, building bridges.
Nurk: I don’t build bridges.
Heffer: Or finding oil or whatever it is.
Nurk: I don’t find oil either. It’s environmental engineering.
Dookie: Environmental engineering? Were you always doing that?
Nurk: The last few years.
Dookie: And what’s that technically about?
Nurk: It’s improving human habitation of the land.
Dookie: Like tree-hugging?
Nurk: No. Whatever that is.
Dookie: That is what’s making me bring my own freaking bags to the grocery store and to have to pack them myself. I hate that. And plus me and Heffer shared that job of bag boy at the iga for two summers. Right Heff?
Heffer: Yeah yeah.
Dookie: Not a bad job for a kid eh?
Heffer: I liked that job. You had to figure out, you know, organize. How much would the bag take, what would fit where. I liked that job.
Dookie: I’m sure bag boys everywhere liked their jobs. But where are all the bag boys now? Squeegee kids probably.
Heffer: Squeegee kids came in here one summer, got rid of them pretty fast. Like hippies but scarier.
Dookie: What does a bag boy do when there’s no more bags?
Nurk: It’s got nothing to do with bags.
Dookie: What does it have to do with exactly? Whose job is disappearing now to improve the human inhabitation of the land?
Nurk: Nobody’s.
Dookie: So what specifically kind of environment are you engineering?
Nurk: I develop new community waste-water-treatment systems.
Dookie: Waste water?
Nurk: Yeah.
Dookie: Oooooooooooooooooooooo.
Heffer: Whoop-de-doo.
Dookie: Well you got the “doo” right, Heff.
Heffer: Huh?
Dookie: As in “doo-doo.”
Heffer: What?
Dookie: As in crap. Nurk’s cleaning up crap. As in “crap cleaner.”
Heffer: Whoo hoo! Glad I never got into engineering.
Dookie: (to NURK) Engineer of crap cleaning. What do you have to say about that?
Nurk: That pretty much sums it up.
NURK picks up the shot on the table beside him.
Heffer: (grabbing his shot) Oh yeah!
(to DOOKIE) Sorry about the pope Dookie.
Dookie: No worries Heff.
(raising his glass) Okay so, one, two, three.
They all do their shots.
Nurk: (feeling ill) That was the one.
NURK rushes off to the bathroom to be sick.
Heffer: The night begins!
Dookie: And we’ve got…
NURK calls from the bathroom.
Nurk: (off) Bingo!
Dookie and Heffer: Bingo!
Blackout.
Scene Two
BOOTS, a woman in her late forties, stands alone. She speaks to us.
Boots: They could make a refrigerator that could last for forty years. But they don’t. Instead they sell you a refrigerator that lasts for five years and charge you half the price of the refrigerator for a warranty that will run out in three years. Toasters used to last forever. My mom has a toaster from when she got married. It only toasts on one side though, it still works, just takes twice as long. Everything’s just cheap now. I mean some things are still quality, some things still last. Those elastics you get at the post office—I mean you get them on your mail but if you work there you can get them there—but they still last forever. You can’t get a better elastic. They’re like gold if you’re someone who’s interested in having a good elastic. But besides post-office elastics, Craftsman crescent wrenches, cast-iron pans and Red Wing brand boots, nothing lasts anymore. And you know why? Because if things lasted you wouldn’t have to buy more things. And if we weren’t all out buying things how would we ever be happy? I mean sure, just look at the commercials. All those people buying all those things, they sure look happy don’t they? And that’s the trick of it. Happy. That’s the joke of it. Happy. Whoever started that, whoever was the first one who told the first one that the point was to be happy? They lied.
’Cause that’s like saying happy is something we’re supposed to be able to hang on to. You can’t. You can’t hang on to happy any more than you can hang on to… air, to… mist. To gas. (burps) Excuse me. Don’t get me wrong. You can be happy. But it’s just moments. Just moments. You get a letter in the mail you weren’t expecting which is a picture this kid you know drew just for you. You’re thinking of a song that makes you think of something and then that song comes on the radio like the spirit world made you some special dedication. Out in a bar with your best friend and she does something that reminds you of something that gives you a feeling of something that feels like a feeling of… home. Just moments. And that’s what it should be ’cause that’s enough. Who wants happy 24-7? Then it wouldn’t be special because you’d have nothing to compare it to. How would you know what happy was if you didn’t know what happy wasn’t. But I will say, if I could find a refrigerator that would last for forty years I’d be damn happy every time I heard that hum. So I don’t know, maybe I’m trying to hang on to happy too. In my way. Pretty much always have a bag of post-office elastics on me somewhere. Hanging on to my little bit of happy.
Dance music.
BOOTS steps away to join
BITSY, also a woman in her forties, standing beside two stools against the wall in a large club.
They hold drinks and stare out across the empty club.
BITSY begins to shuffle to the music.
Bitsy?
Bitsy: What?
Boots: What are you doing?
Bitsy: Nothing.
Boots: You’re dancing.
Bitsy: No I’m not.
Boots: Yes you are. Don’t.
Bitsy: I’m not dancing I’m moving.
Boots: What?
Bitsy: I’m not dancing I’m moving.
Boots: What’s the difference?
Bitsy: Of what?
Boots: What’s the difference between dancing and moving?
Bitsy: I’m not using my arms. If you don’t use your arms you’re just moving.
Boots: No.
Bitsy: Yeah.
Boots: No.
Bingo! Page 2
