Bitsy: Yeah.
Boots: Guys don’t move their arms when they dance.
Bitsy: Who?
Boots: (moving her arms to illustrate) Guys don’t move their arms when they dance!
Bitsy: Look you’re dancing now!
Boots: No I’m not, I’m moving my arms.
Bitsy: Moving your arms is dancing.
Boots: No moving your arms is just moving your arms.
Bitsy: Moving your arms is just moving your arms but just moving your feet is dancing?
Boots: Yes.
Bitsy: Oh.
BITSY stops moving to the music.
After a moment.
Why shouldn’t I dance?
Boots: Do you see anyone else dancing by themselves?
Bitsy: (looking around) No.
Boots: There’s a reason for that. You gotta get out more.
After a moment.
Bitsy: There’s nobody here.
Boots: There are people here.
Bitsy: Nobody from the reunion.
Boots: Give it a chance.
Bitsy: Maybe we should go.
Boots: The band hasn’t even played yet.
Bitsy: Who’s the band supposed to be?
Boots: It’s a secret but some people say it might be Minglewood.
Bitsy: Minglewood? Fat chance.
Boots: I know.
Bitsy: Minglewood cover band maybe.
Boots: I’d be up for that.
After a moment.
We should of gone to the cruise.
Bitsy: I had nothing to wear.
Boots: Yeah sure, that’s why we didn’t go.
After a moment.
Bitsy: Why did they have the reunion in a club?
Boots: Where were they supposed to have it?
Bitsy: I don’t know, the school gym?
Boots: That would be depressing.
Bitsy: For the memories though.
Boots: What memories? Not getting asked to dance and getting sick in the girls’ room.
Bitsy: Oh, and that time Mickey MacLeod got stabbed.
Boots: By Mrs. Walker.
Bitsy: With a Bic pen.
Boots: Nice memories.
Bitsy: Better we’re in a club.
Boots: Safer.
After a moment.
Bitsy: What’s the reason?
Boots: What reason?
Bitsy: Why people don’t dance by themselves.
Boots: You could get barred.
Bitsy: Why?
Boots: Sharon Dwyer got barred from here for dancing by herself.
Bitsy: Sharon Dwyer is nuts.
Boots: Exactly.
Bitsy: Oh.
Boots: Plus it makes you look desperate.
Bitsy: Oh.
After a moment.
What if I am desperate? You’re the one who’s always telling me to be myself.
Boots: It’s one thing to be yourself and it’s another thing to wave a flag.
Bitsy: Right.
After a moment.
Boots: You’re not desperate.
Bitsy: No I know. I’m just nervous.
After a moment.
Lloyd doesn’t move his arms when he dances.
Boots: See, that’s what I said, guys don’t.
Bitsy: But Lloyd’s gay.
Boots: He’s still a guy.
Bitsy: But wouldn’t you think a gay guy would move his arms when he danced?
Boots: Maybe.
Bitsy: Maybe that’s why.
Boots: Why what?
Bitsy: Why he doesn’t move his arms. So people won’t know.
Boots: People won’t know what?
Bitsy: That he’s gay.
Boots: If he doesn’t want people to know that he’s gay then he should stop wearing eyeliner.
Bitsy: Lots of guys wear eyeliner.
Boots: What guys?
Bitsy: Rockers.
Boots: Who?
Bitsy: Rock stars.
Boots: Rock stars are different. Rock stars wear panties.
Bitsy: They wear what?
Boots: Panties.
Bitsy: No they don’t.
Boots: Yes they do.
Bitsy: No they don’t.
Boots: Yes they do.
Bitsy: All of them?
Boots: Most of them. If they want to.
Bitsy: Well if I had one I wouldn’t.
Boots: Had one what?
Bitsy: A rock star.
Boots: Wouldn’t what?
Bitsy: Want him to wear panties.
Boots: If you had a rock star you wouldn’t care if he wore your panties.
Bitsy: I would so.
Or maybe…
It depends on the rock star.
I doubt Matt Minglewood wears panties.
Boots: Probably not.
BITSY has started “moving” again.
You’re dancing again.
Bitsy: No I’m just moving.
Boots: Then stop moving.
Bitsy: I can’t help it, this music makes me.
Boots: Fine then. I’ll be right back.
BOOTS steps away.
Bitsy: Boots! Boots! Where are you going? Don’t leave me alone. Wait!
BITSY doesn’t like being left alone. She tries a couple of poses to look cool and natural. They don’t work. The dance song stops and a slow song starts, which is much slower and quieter. BITSY looks around the room. Slowly she realizes no one is paying any attention to her. She becomes less nervous. BOOTS returns.
There’s nobody here.
Boots: There’s a few people.
Bitsy: There’s nobody from the reunion.
Boots: Give it a chance.
Bitsy: Where’d you go?
Boots: I made a request.
Bitsy: You requested this?
Boots: It’s quieter.
Bitsy: You went over and requested a waltz?
Boots: It’s quieter.
Bitsy: Me and you here by ourselves together and you go over and request a waltz?
Boots: So?
Bitsy: Boots?
Boots: Bitsy?
Bitsy: Don’t you think people might think something?
Boots: Like what? We’re lesbians?
Bitsy: Duh.
Boots: Well if they care enough that they think we’re lesbians because they noticed we’re here together and they see that I went over and requested a waltz then they can see that we’re not waltzing are we?
Bitsy: No.
Boots: So you’re obviously not interested in me so you’re off the hook.
Bitsy: Maybe we’re having a fight and you want to make up but I’m still mad.
Boots: Who would do that?
Bitsy: Stay mad when someone requested a waltz?
Boots: No request a waltz at a club when they’re having a fight to make up.
Bitsy: Lots of people would if they were romantic.
Boots: A lesbian wouldn’t.
Bitsy: A lesbian so would.
Boots: Lesbians aren’t romantic.
Bitsy: Lesbians are very romantic.
Boots: How would you know?
Bitsy: Because they are. When Sharon Dwyer broke up with that girl from Halifax the girl tried to kill herself.
Boots: That’s not romantic that’s crazy.
Bitsy: Romantic is crazy.
Boots: Sharon Dwyer is crazy.
After a moment.
I didn’t know Sharon Dwyer was a lesbian.
Bitsy: She’s bi. But the girl was a lesbian.
After a moment.
I can see why people might think that about us. We’re never with guys.
Boots: We’re with Lloyd sometimes.
Bitsy: Who is gay!
Boots: So?
Bitsy: One plus one?
Boots: Lesbians don’t hang out with gay guys. Do you even watch television?
Bitsy: I mean if I was a lesbian I wouldn’t care. It’s just that I’m not. If I was a lesbian I’d prob
ably open a club.
Boots: You?
Bitsy: I might.
Boots: No you wouldn’t.
Bitsy: I might if I were. “Bitsy’s.”
Boots: “Bitsy’s”? That sounds like a place you’d go for a grilled cheese sandwich.
Bitsy: “KC’s” then.
Boots: KC?
Bitsy: K.C. Kathy Cameron. “KC’s.” That would be a good name for a club for lesbians.
Boots: You’re going to open a club here for lesbians?
Bitsy: No but—
Boots: So what the hell are you talking about?
After a moment.
Bitsy: Or “Charley’s.”
Boots: Shut up.
After a moment.
There’s nobody here.
Bitsy: There’s a few.
Boots: Nobody from the reunion.
Bitsy: No. You want to go home?
Boots: We’re not even drunk!
Bitsy: Okay.
After a moment.
When I graduated…
Boots: What?
Bitsy: I just said “When I graduated…”
Boots: When you graduated what?
Bitsy: No I’m just practising.
Boots: For what?
Bitsy: In case somebody from the reunion comes over, so I can say “When I graduated… this was my favourite song” or something.
Or: “When I graduated… my whole life was ahead of me” or something.
Boots: So that what?
Bitsy: So that people will think… you know.
Boots: People will think what?
Bitsy: That I… You know. (in a stage whisper) Graduated.
Boots: Pphft. What do you not know from not graduating?
Bitsy: What it feels like to graduate.
Boots: Who cares?
Bitsy: Oh I don’t know maybe the people at the thirty-year reunion of the graduating class care maybe?
Boots: Everybody thinks you graduated.
Bitsy: I wasn’t even there.
Boots: Your mother said you were sick.
Bitsy: My mother’s a terrible liar.
Boots: Oh here.
BOOTS reaches into her pocket and takes out a bag of elastics and gives them to BITSY.
Your mother wanted some elastics.
Bitsy: Oh she loves those post-office elastics.
Boots: They last forever.
Bitsy: They do. I’m going to go to the coat check and put them in my purse right now.
BITSY looks out as if to leave.
Oh my God!
Boots: What?
Bitsy: Who just came in, look.
Boots: (looking) Who?
Bitsy: Dougie Duke.
Boots: Who?
Bitsy: Dookie.
Boots: Where?
Bitsy: Right over there.
Boots: Oh.
Bitsy: Isn’t he gorgeous?
Boots: Where?
Bitsy: He works at real estate.
Boots: Oh yeah?
Bitsy: In Halifax.
Boots: Oh yeah? Are you sure that’s Dookie?
Bitsy: Yes look who he’s with.
Boots: Who?
Bitsy: Heffer.
Boots: Idiot.
Bitsy: Oh don’t.
Boots: Well he is an idiot is he not?
Bitsy: I feel bad for him.
Boots: Why?
Bitsy: I can’t say. Who’s that other one?
Boots: What other one?
Bitsy: Oh for God’s sake Boots put on your glasses.
Boots: Fine fine.
Reluctantly BOOTS fishes her glasses from her pocket.
Bitsy: There’s no shame in glasses.
Boots: I know I know.
Bitsy: At least you’re not far-sighted.
Boots: Far-sighted sounds better.
Bitsy: But it’s worse. At least you can read. I can’t even go to the grocery store if I don’t know the fat content. I can’t even go to a restaurant if I don’t know the menu.
Boots: Then get glasses.
Bitsy: I know I know.
BOOTS, in her glasses, looks across the room.
Boots: Oh yeah who’s that?
Bitsy: That’s what I’m saying.
Boots: Heffer. What an idiot.
Bitsy: Don’t.
Boots: Why not he is.
Bitsy: I know but I feel bad for him.
Boots: Why?
Bitsy: I can’t say.
Boots: What?
Bitsy: I can’t say.
Boots: What?
Bitsy: I can’t say, I said.
Boots: Who am I going to tell? Who do I talk to but you and your mom?
Bitsy: Your mom.
Boots: I’m not talking to my mom.
Bitsy: Still?
Boots: That’s right. Three accidents and she won’t stop driving. I tried hiding her keys but she learned how to hot-wire.
Bitsy: Hot-wiring’s easy.
Boots: She nearly broke her nose.
Bitsy: She said it was black ice.
Boots: She blamed the airbags.
Bitsy: Those airbags go off so easy.
Boots: If you hit a pole!
Bitsy: I’ll give her a call.
Boots: Don’t you dare.
Bitsy: Anyway whatever.
Boots: So what about Heffer?
Bitsy: I can’t.
Boots: How would you know anyway?
Bitsy: I might know.
Boots: How?
Bitsy: We went out.
Boots: Who?
Bitsy: We did.
Boots: You and Heffer?
Bitsy: We ran into one another.
Boots: What?
Bitsy: We had a few drinks.
Boots: When?
Bitsy: Recently.
Boots: Recently when?
Bitsy: Recently.
Boots: This century?
Bitsy: Yes.
Boots: You and Jeff MacInnis went out?
Bitsy: Me and Heffer ran into one another and we had a few drinks earlier this century. Period.
Boots: Okay so fine so what?
Bitsy: I can’t.
Boots: What?
Bitsy: I shouldn’t.
Boots: What?
Bitsy: Him and Deb.
Boots: What?
BITSY does a bad mime that to her represents“swingers.”
What?
BITSY tries again.
What?
BITSY tries again.
Monkeys? They’ve got monkeys?
Bitsy: No. (whispering unintelligibly) Swingers.
Boots: What?
Bitsy: (mumbled) Swingers.
Boots: Herpes?
Bitsy: (whispered but intelligible) No. Swingers.
Boots: Swimmers?
Bitsy: Swingers.
Boots: Swingers?
Bitsy: Shh!
Boots: They’re swingers?
Bitsy: Yes shh.
Boots: Heffer and Deb?
Bitsy: Yes. It’s mostly her that wants it but he has to go along with it.
Boots: Heffer and Deb?
Bitsy: Yes.
Boots: With who?
Bitsy: Other swingers I guess.
Boots: Where? Here?
Bitsy: Yes.
Boots: Here?
Bitsy: Yes!
Boots: There’s swingers here in town?
Bitsy: I guess yes.
Boots: Since when?
Bitsy: I don’t know since the seventies I guess.
Boots: Shut up!
Bitsy: I suppose when it started it started everywhere don’t you think? I mean maybe it was here early even. We had painter paints before Toronto.
Boots: That’s true. Wow.
Bitsy: Isn’t that sad?
Boots: I don’t know. If that’s what people want to do I guess.
Bitsy: He only does it because she wants to.
Boots: Is that what he said?
Bitsy: Sort of.
Bitsy: He cried.
Boots: Heffer cried?
Bitsy: Yeah. Just two drinks in.
Boots: Poor Heffer.
Bitsy: See?
Boots: He looks fine tonight.
Bitsy: That’s because he’s got his Dookie. He loves his Dookie.
Boots: Does Dookie know?
Bitsy: Oh I doubt it. He was only telling me because I wasn’t anybody. Dookie’s everybody to him.
Boots: So who knows?
Bitsy: Well Deb.
Bingo! Page 3
