by Sara Arden
“Oh, you get your scheming from your grandmother.”
“I’m going to tell her you said that.”
“She’ll say that indeed you do. She’ll be proud of it.”
Allison began putting the cupcakes in her cupcake carrier. Each cake got its own little cubby to keep them from flying around and compromising the frosting. “I expect my carrier back tomorrow.”
“Yes, Ma.”
“You know your dad, Grammie, me… we just want you to be happy.”
“I know.” He hugged her again.
“In that vein, I’ve heard some rumors.”
“Oh God.”
“No, just listen. Your dad is going to stay out of it, but I refuse.” She flashed him a grin. “I heard that McCade wants you to take the test for LT.”
“He spoke to me about it.” Royce narrowed his eyes. “And said it was up to me.”
“Of course it is, honey. But you don’t think he got your father’s opinion first? Your father is Fire Chief. All of this would have to go across his desk and if you accepted and Bill didn’t think you were ready, he didn’t want any contention between you.”
That made sense. He appreciated his father staying out of it, for the most part. “Yeah, okay.”
“So why haven’t you taken it? Don’t you want to?”
“I don’t know.”
His mother studied him for a long moment, her perusal heavy. Like a weight on his shoulders until she spoke. “Okay. Do you want to talk about it? Maybe I can help you figure it out.”
It was stupid, he realized, to feel pressure that wasn’t there. She wasn’t pushing him in any one direction. She was only trying to help. Like always.
“I just don’t know if I’m ready for it. Not only speaking from a skill perspective and what I can offer the house, but I’d get transferred to the Nine until McCade actually does retire. I know it’s not very far away, but it feels like an ocean. I like the dynamic we have at the Seven. I like the sense of family.”
“Don’t you think they feel the same way at the Nine? It’s a great bunch of guys.” His mom paused. “And girls. They just hired two women. I’m actually going to be doing part of their training. How to kick ass in a male dominated field…”
“I guess it’s not just the sense of family. It’s real family, but I know it would ease Liv’s mind if I was behind a desk.”
“My son, that’s all well and good, but Liv is just going to have to deal with the job you have or not. You can’t jockey a desk, if that’s not what you want.”
“I thought you taught me that relationships are about compromise.”
“They are, but not when it comes to your dreams.”
“Maybe my dreams have changed. Maybe I just want Liv.”
“Maybe you do, right now. But you’re still so young. You might resent her later.”
“That’s what she said.” He smirked. “Literally.”
“She’s a good woman, who loves you whether she wants to admit it or not. But answer me this. If you’re riding a desk for her, what will she be giving up for you?”
“She’ll be staying here.”
“Oh. I see.” Allison nodded slowly. “Have you talked about all of this?”
“Not… A little.”
“I was prepared for you to leave when you went to college. I thought for sure you’d find something else that grabbed you by the throat. Something beyond fire science and you’d leave, but then you didn’t. You stayed. I have been grateful for every day I’ve had with you.”
“Ma,” he began, suddenly uncomfortable.
“No, listen. We are your family. We love you. I won’t lie, my heart will break a hundred times a day missing you, but that’s a mother’s burden. We accept it when we bring you into the world. It’s okay that you start your own little family. It’s okay if you leave. I understand why Liv would want to, because if anything happened to Bill, I don’t know what I’d do.”
She touched his cheek. “If you decide Liv is what you want, then you must provide for each other. She may need to leave Ember Lake to finish healing. Maybe you do, too.”
“That’s the thing. The only reason I can be strong for her is because I have my roots, my foundation to hold me up. That’s all here. That’s you. It’s Dad. It’s cupcakes…”
“Have more faith in yourself, my son. You’re strong for her because that’s who you are. Sophie has become part of our family, and I love her dearly. But I fully expect Hayden to put her first, but it will be no life of constant sacrifice and drudgery because her job is to put him first. See how that works?”
“She hasn’t asked me to go with her,” he said finally.
“And she wouldn’t. In an odd way, she’s putting you first. She won’t ask you to sacrifice your life here for her. By not asking, she’s made the choice for you. She’s bearing the burden.”
“We’re not even ready for all that.”
“Aren’t you? You’ve been in love with that girl for years.”
“Have I? Or have I been infatuated?”
“I think it’s the former, but only you can know the truth of it.”
“Why are you so wise?” He hugged her again.
“A lot of years of ignoring Grammie. I learned everything the hard way.” She hugged him back.
“I guess I need to talk to her again. Lay it all out on the table. Just so we know our options.”
“Yeah. You should talk to her about the promotion, too.”
“I did.”
“Did you? Did you say what you’d like about it? Why it would be a good thing aside from doing it for her?”
“Not really.”
“You should. Tell yourself, too. Because like I said, if you’re only doing it for her, it’s not going to work out the way you wanted.” She patted his hand. “Make sure Hayden gets some of these cupcakes. Don’t eat them all.”
“I will. Do you want some help cleaning up?”
“No. You go on and get ready for dinner. You’ll just be underfoot anyway. I’ve got a system.”
“Thanks, Ma. For everything.” He had more to things to consider than he’d originally thought. It had seemed so cut and dry.
It took his mom’s wisdom to show him that it wasn’t so cut and dry and her words did a lot to soothe some of his fears, and shore up his strength.
For now, he was going to push all of that aside. Not that he was hiding from it, but he wanted to just be. He knew that’s what Livie needed right now, too. After living so long under a shadow and feeling the weight of expectation, this would be good for both of them. To see if they really did work together.
It was all well and good to want each other, and to love each other, but that as much as either of them could want it, that didn’t mean their lives could fit together.
“One more piece of advice. Some people say the beginning is the best part and it will never get any better, so relationships that are off to a rocky start don’t turn out well. I say that’s crap. I mean, yeah… the way a person treats you? No, it will never change. It will never get better. But the relationship part? Better every year.”
He nodded and decided he deserved another cupcake.
“Okay, get out of here. Before you eat all of them. I did only make two batches.”
“I know. I’m eating mine.”
The door slammed. “Allie, are you baking?”
“Oh damn. It’s your dad. You better go out the back or you’re not going to make it to Hayden’s with those.”
“Is that Royce’s truck? Woman, if you’re baking for those boys again and didn’t make me any I’m going to—”
Royce took her advice and darted out the back door, cupcakes in arms.
He knew she’d probably made her dad something else, but she’d pretend she hadn’t until the last possible moment.
What his parents had was what he wanted.
But that would happen in its own time. As he’d decided before, he was going to enjoy this time with Livie and let the f
uture come as it would.
That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to reach for what he wanted, but he wasn’t going to hold on so tight he drowned whatever thing blossomed between them.
Like tonight.
Tonight was a big deal. As big of a deal as taking her to Sunday dinner at Grammie’s. He was so glad she’d said yes. He’d seen the hesitation on her face and he’d been prepared for a no. Going away for a weekend to the Ozarks didn’t have to be relationship oriented, but hanging out with his brother and his fiancée? Yeah. That was all about commitment, in his book anyway.
After he picked her up and they arrived at Sophie’s, he noticed there’d been a marked change in Livie.
She was brighter somehow, more present. He wasn’t arrogant enough to attribute that change to himself, but she’d done something. Decided something.
He wanted to ask her about it, but instead, decided to just enjoy the time with his brother and soon to be sister-in-law.
The house was full of wedding frippery. Stacks of catalogs, fabric samples, and boxes of invitations.
They’d wanted it to be a small affair, but it kept getting bigger and bigger, but neither of them seemed to mind. They wanted their friends and family all to be able to attend and celebrate with them.
“Sorry about the mess, guys! It’s slightly organized chaos,” Sophie said when they arrived.
“It’s happy chaos,” Livie said, hugging her.
Royce dutifully presented the red velvet cupcakes his mother had provided and Livie leaned over and made a big show of sniffing him. “He always smells like those cupcakes.”
Sophie cast a critical eye at Hayden. “Why don’t you smell like cupcakes? I might need to rethink which brother I’m marrying,” she teased.
Hayden narrowed his eyes. “That’s not even close to funny.”
“I think it’s pretty funny,” Royce supplied helpfully. “I say we Game of Life it.”
“Like when we were kids?” Hayden asked.
“What?” Sophie asked.
“Yeah, when we were kids, when we’d fight, sometimes Dad would sit us down with Life and whoever won got to win the argument. He thought it was funny because, you know, winning at Life?” Hayden answered her.
“So, whoever wins the game wins the argument?” Sophie reiterated. “Okay. We can do it that way, but after dinner. I’m starving.”
“Me too,” Hayden said. “I’ll pour the wine.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Livie asked.
“Not a thing except sit down and eat everything. I think we made too much,” Sophie said.
“I know exactly what we can do with the leftovers. We can take it to Grammie’s,” Livie suggested. “She cooks for everyone all the time. I bet she’d like it.”
“That’s a great idea, Livie. She would love that,” Royce said.
“Although, dessert first,” Sophie said and opened the cupcakes. “It’s a life philosophy.”
“I am totally on board with that,” Royce said.
“Everyone should be,” Sophie answered.
“And that’s her professional opinion,” Hayden added.
“It is.” She nodded sagely. “Before we sit down to dinner, I have something for you.” She took Livie’s hand and led her away.
“So Finnegan called in sick.”
Royce quirked a brow. “With what?”
“Eh, who knows. Dad is covering until after dinner, then I’m going in. Don’t want to leave them short-staffed.” He shrugged. “And, this is my trade off for the weekend.”
“Yeah, about that. What do think about a houseboat on Table Rock? Fishing and swimming right out the bedroom door.”
“I don’t know, man. Aren’t you guys going to want more privacy than that?”
Royce grinned. “No, this is about adventure. Showing her that she doesn’t have to leave everything behind to change something.”
Hayden nodded. “Showing her what life with you would actually be like?”
“That, too.”
“It’s a good plan. We’re down for whatever. What’s the weekend rental like on that?”
“Don’t worry about it. You’ve got your money tied up in the wedding. Instead of getting you guys a toaster you don’t need, the weekend is on me.”
“Thanks.” Hayden cast him a side glance. “That makes it a lot easier.”
“Besides, the boat I’m thinking about renting has seven bedrooms,” he added. “What did Sophie get for Livie? It’s not another super private pre-dinner kitchen ritual is it? I don’t know that she can take many more of those.”
“Sophie survived them. Livie will, too.” Hayden pulled the boiling spaghetti off the stove and strained it.
Without being asked, Royce sliced the garlic bread and put it in the basket.
“Do you remember when I asked Sophie to marry me?”
“I couldn’t forget. I stole a firetruck.”
“We stole a firetruck.” Hayden grinned. “I’m actually super happy about that addition to the family lore. But anyway, I also bought her some candles. Wishing candles. Sophie wanted Livie to have to her own.”
He wondered what she’d wish for. If she’d want to go back to a time when Ben was alive. Or if she’d wish he was anything but a firefighter. His own wish was that she’d wish for something that he could give her. The solution to a problem he could solve.
Above all, Royce was a fixer. He didn’t have a problem with emotions. He had no problem showing them. Sharing them. But when someone was in as much pain as Livie was, he only wanted to make it better.
And he didn’t know how.
Maybe Sophie’s wishing candles would help her find her own way.
9
Livie followed Sophie into the bedroom where there was a gift wrapped in white paper with a pink tulle bow.
“It’s not much,” Sophie said. “But I hope you like it.”
She ran her fingers across the bow, not wanting to open it. “It’s been so long since I’ve gotten a wrapped gift. This, in itself, is its own present. Just sitting here with all the possibility still wrapped up inside.”
“That’s how I feel about them, too! But open it,” she demanded.
Livie laughed, and realized how much she’d been smiling since she started spending more time with Royce and his family. Every day, she had something to smile about. Something to laugh about.
She untied the bow slowly, letting the tulle ribbon fall away before easing her fingers beneath the crisply folded paper.
She unwrapped a set of flameless candles. They were just like the ones that glowed in Sophie’s windows.
Sophie sat down on the bed next to her. “So there’s a story that goes along with these. Are you ready?”
Livie’s throat was tight. She just knew that whatever Sophie was about to drop on her was going to twist her heart in strange ways. She nodded.
“You’ve noticed that I have some in my window. They’re always there. They’re wishing candles. The reason they’re flameless isn’t because I was burned. It’s so that the wishes are forever. They’ll never run out. You can wish and wish, and wish. You can have anything you dream of and there are still more wishes.”
This was Sophie telling her it was okay to dream again. This was Sophie telling her she was more than Widow Dodd. It was Sophie seeing her.
She brought the back of her hand to her mouth and tried not to sniff, but failed.
“Aw, honey. Don’t cry. It’s supposed to be a good thing.”
“It is.” She nodded.
“Good, because there’s more.”
“I don’t know if I can take it.”
Sophie laughed and put an arm around her. “This is dessert. More than the cupcakes. It a good thing. You may sniff a little more, but I think it’s something you need to hear from someone that’s not inside your own head. From someone who has been through trauma, too.”
“Okay, I’m ready.”
“I put the candles in the window to light Ha
yden’s way back to me. They’re not just wishing candles for me. They’re for him, too. The light is always on. This is always home. But the reason I’m giving them to you isn’t to light them in the window for Royce. They’re to light your way home, to wherever and whatever that is. To yourself. You’ve been in the dark too long, my friend.”
“I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you, too.” Sophie hugged her. “I’ve never had that many close girlfriends before and whatever happens with you and Royce, you feel like the sister of my heart.”
It occurred to her then, if she sold the bar and left Ember Lake, she’d be leaving Sophie, too. She’d be leaving dinners like tonight. She’d be leaving this new, budding family she’d curated for herself.
Only, she wanted more for herself than being a bar owner in a small town.
Except she didn’t know exactly what after that.
All she knew was what she didn’t want.
She dabbed at her eyes. “I’m glad I didn’t wear makeup.”
“Well, if you had, we’d have fixed you right up. I spent my time in the bathroom with Allie fixing my eyeliner after she made me cry. I learned a few tricks.”
“Thank you.” She hugged the box to her chest.
They emerged from the room and Livie tucked the wishing candles beneath her purse before heading to the table. “I think I need another cupcake.”
“You definitely do.” Sophie handed her one.
The guys had put dinner on the table and Sophie acknowledged Hayden with a hand squeeze.
Definitely relationship goals. She tried to remember if Ben had ever helped her like that and she realized he hadn’t. He’d had very set ideas about what he wanted their life to be like and she’d been so in love, she’d capitulated.
He wanted to take care of her and wanted her to take care of him. That had sounded beautiful when he’d asked, but he hadn’t taken care of her, had he?
Everything had been about the job.
Stop it, she told herself. You don’t need to demonize him just to let go. But that wasn’t it. Not sitting here, seeing something she did want.
A real partnership. Best friends. Lovers.
She tried to remember what she’d wanted to go to college for all those years ago and found it was cloudy. What had she wanted to be besides Ben’s wife?
