by Sara Arden
Royce grabbed her hand and squeezed lightly as they sat down, giving her a questioning look.
She must’ve looked pretty shell-shocked because she sure as hell felt it.
Livie smiled at him. “I’m fine.”
“While you guys were talking, Hayden and I were plotting our weekend adventure,” Royce said, moving away from the subject and she was grateful.
“Oh yeah? What did you come up with?” she asked.
“Houseboat on Table Rock Lake.”
“The kind with the slide right into the water? Hot tub? Mini bar?” Livie asked.
“Of course,” Royce said.
“Sold!”
“Any other requests?”
She could see that he was dead serious. Livie bit her lip and wondered just what exactly she could ask for and if he’d actually do it. “I don’t want to do any dishes, serve any drinks, or even see the inside of a bar.”
“Done,” Royce said as he passed her the spaghetti.
“Oh, it’s like he’s a genie or something. Do it again,” Sophie urged, teasing.
“Rose petals on my bed, champagne in the hot tub, and chocolate on my pillow.”
Royce grinned. “You don’t want much.”
Sophie turned to Hayden. “I hope you’re taking notes.”
“You don’t even have to tell me.” He held up his hand to stop her from doing just that.
Sophie took his hand. “You know I’m kidding.”
“Be careful what you wish for,” Hayden said before uncorking the wine and pouring for everyone.
“Because I just might get it?” Sophie kissed his cheek. “Already did.”
“Gross,” Royce said, cheerfully. Obviously teasing.
“Okay, one more thing,” she dared.
“What?”
“You have to paint my toenails.”
“That’s it?” Royce asked. “I thought you were going to ask for the moon.”
“We’ll see,” she said. It wasn’t specifically him painting her toenails that she wanted, it was him doing something small for her. Something that seemed inconsequential, but it was something she’d asked for.
Something Ben never would’ve done.
The more she thought about her marriage, the more she dissected it, the less of the good things she saw. Not that it was all bad, it wasn’t. Ben was a good man. She’d loved him. Part of her would always love him.
But the more she identified things she hadn’t liked, or resented, the more revealed themselves. She was quickly beginning to realize that her marriage, if Ben had lived and she’d stayed, would’ve smothered her.
It almost had.
She’d lost herself. Her identity.
Her hopes.
Her dreams.
She’d thought that he dreams had died with Ben, but they hadn’t. The version of herself that she’d become, that person had died.
That’s why she’d wanted so desperately to escape the façade the town had painted on her face because she’d lived it for too long.
She’d read somewhere that epiphanies happened when you were crying on the bathroom floor, but this might’ve been the most important one yet. It hadn’t taken crying in the bathroom at two in the morning. Or any other special circumstances.
Just dinner with people she loved.
She was comfortable including Royce in that group because before anything had happened between them, they’d loved each other.
“I bet you think I won’t do it, but I will. Do you remember the Powder Puff game Senior year?” Royce said. “I painted all the guys’ fingernails.”
“Powder Puff? What’s that?” Sophie asked.
“Oh, right. You didn’t get that high school experience,” Hayden said. “It’s when the girls play flag football and the guys on the team are the cheerleaders. Skirts and all.”
“So you were in a skirt? Did you shave your legs for this, too?” Sophie asked, grinning.
“I was on swim team, so I was already shaving my legs.” Hayden shrugged.
“I totally did. I even talked Grammie out of a pair of her nice pantyhose,” Royce said. “It was pretty fun.”
“Although, after you graduated? Our game got cancelled for ‘unnecessary roughness.’ That was the year Ainsley played.”
“Of course it was!” Livie remembered hearing about that. “She’s a force of nature.” She reached down to take another bite of her bread and realized it was gone.
She didn’t even ask for another piece, but Royce knew she would eat two and he passed her another without prompting.
She knew he would eat another helping of spaghetti along with his bread and so she passed him the bowl back.
After they finished their meal, Sophie directed them to the living room where Hayden pulled out the board games.
“Don’t you want help cleaning up?” Livie asked.
“No, Hayden and I will do it after you guys leave. Why waste time cleaning when guests are here? It’s not like they’re going to grow legs and walk away.”
“That’s a pretty great philosophy, Sophie. I like how you do things.”
“Carpe diem, and all that.” Sophie shrugged.
They all sat on the floor around the coffee table and Hayden set up the game. The board still looked fairly new. Some pieces were still in plastic packaging.
“We were saving it for friends,” Hayden said by way of explanation.
“Yeah, we got it out to play and it seemed… I don’t know. We decided to wait,” Sophie said.
“What color do you want?” Royce offered her all the little car pieces.
“Green.”
He handed her the green piece, and offered to Sophie next, who took the pink one. He gave Hayden the blue one and kept the yellow one for himself.
They each took their turn on the wheel, and for a while, Livie got to get out of her own head. She got to simply be. They made their way around the board as they emptied another bottle of wine.
When it was over, she was sorry to see the night coming to an end.
“Thanks so much for having us,” Livie said. “And for the thoughtful gift.”
“You are always welcome here.” Sophie hugged her.
When they were back in his truck, Royce said, “I get the feeling you’re not ready to go home. Where do you want to go?”
She smiled. “You know me pretty well, huh? Can we go to the bridge?”
“Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”
“I was thinking about things tonight. Heavy things. I didn’t mean to, it just kind of happened.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know if I can say them out loud, yet. Because they make me feel like a horrible person.”
“I’m not Ben. Obviously. Did what happened between us make you feel guilty?”
She looked away from him and gathered her strength before meeting his eyes again. “No, actually. It wasn’t the sex. It was tonight.”
“Because he’s not here?” He studied her.
She felt like he could see under her skin, but knew that he couldn’t. If he could, he’d already know and she wouldn’t have to say it out loud.
“Because I’m glad he’s not here.” She pressed her lips together tightly. “Wow, that sounded awful.”
“A little bit, but that’s okay. Explain it to me.”
“Can you drive?”
“Yeah, sorry. I wanted to give you my full attention.”
“I think maybe it’ll be easier for me if you don’t.”
“Okay.” He started the truck and drove toward the bridge as she’d asked.
“I loved Ben. There’s part of me that will always love him, but tonight, seeing what Hayden and Sophie have… that wasn’t Ben and me.”
“No, it wasn’t. It’s not many people.”
“Ben was who he was, and I loved him. But I became someone else when I was with him. Someone I didn’t recognize, but now I don’t recognize the me trying to get out of this cage. Do you know what
I mean?”
“I’ve never had to deal with that, but I understand what you’re saying.”
“You always know the right thing to say.”
He pulled over onto a small access road at the mouth of the bridge and turned off the truck.
They sat there in the silent dark for a long moment.
She took a deep breath. “I realized if Ben were still alive, I don’t know that I could stay married to him and I feel horrible for thinking that, but free, too.”
“What made you come to this conclusion?”
“It was a simple thing, really.” It was getting easier. The more she talked about it, the more confident she felt. The more right. It was like taking a heavy weight off of her chest. “The way you and Hayden put the dinner on the table while Sophie and I were talking. Ben never would’ve done that.”
“He very much wanted a 1950’s way of life.”
“I thought I wanted that too, except I didn’t. I don’t. He said he’d take care of me, and I’d take care of him, but that’s not what happened. I took care of him. He took care of him. And he paid the bills.”
“So are you angry at him, still?”
“That’s the thing.” She opened the door and walked the access, looking out across the river. “I’m not angry anymore. I’m relieved. I’m guilty. I’m tired. But I’m not angry.”
“I’m sorry. I only ever wanted you to be happy.”
“I’m not imagining it, though, right? I’m not demonizing him just to let go? He didn’t do the things Hayden does. Or the things you do.”
“You’re the one who was married to him, Liv. Not me.”
“When I think back on our marriage, I remember how good it was at first. Then how all the little bits of me were chipped away. I didn’t imagine that, right? I’d get upset about things sometimes and he’d always tell me it happened a different way.”
“No, you’re not imagining it. I mean, if you were still you, you’d be working for NASA. Not tending bar in Ember Lake.”
“I tried so hard to remember what I wanted to be when I grew up. Before I wanted to be Ben’s wife. What had I wanted for myself? I couldn’t remember.”
“Rocket science. You wanted to be an astronaut.”
She laughed and it was almost a cackle. “I can’t imagine that now. How crazy is that?”
“It’s not crazy at all. What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I don’t know, but I think I want to go back to school and find out.”
“That’s a great idea. If you get out from under the bar, you’d have enough money to do that.”
He didn’t ask what that would mean for them. For him. He simply offered his support.
“Are you really going to paint my toenails?”
“See if I don’t.”
Looking out across the river again, she wondered if Ben could see her. If he felt betrayed. If he was angry. Or if he remembered how much they’d loved each other in the beginning.
“I’m done with grieving, Royce. I’m done with stagnating. And I’m really done with the bar.”
“What are you telling me?” His tone was low and quiet. “Are you saying this is done?”
“No. I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying that I think maybe I’m ready to really try. Only I don’t know why you’d want to. I’m a hot mess. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m going to do, but I want to be with you until I figure it out. Not just friends with benefits, but whatever this burning thing between us wants to be. No ghosts between us.”
“That’s easier said than done, but I want that, too.”
She felt like she’d dropped another weight that had been tied around her neck. “So do you want to spend the night?”
“Oh, will you paint my toes, too. And we’ll do face masques and eat cheesecake,” he teased.
“If you’re game.”
“Don’t tempt me. I like a good exfoliation as well as the next guy.”
She giggled. “You bring the cheesecake.”
“It’s midnight. If I get my mother out of bed at this hour to make us a cheesecake, she’d murder me slowly.”
“You know, here I was thinking you were the perfect man and now you’re talking about waking your mom up to bake us a cheesecake.”
“Well, it did win the county fair two years in a row.” As if that were a good excuse. “And actually, if I said it was my ticket to commitment, she’d do it.”
“You’re terrible.” But he wasn’t. Not even a little bit.
“I know.” He kissed her cheek. “Let me stop by my place and get a bag. You know I have to go on shift tomorrow.”
Something dropped in her gut and twisted in on itself at the mention of his job, but she tried to ignore it. She wasn’t going to let the job ruin this for her, too.
10
Royce wasn’t the sort of man to wait for the other shoe to drop and he reminded himself of that while he got in his cardio time on the treadmill at the fire house.
He didn’t necessarily believe that if one did, the other had to as well. That is to say, he didn’t buy trouble.
Except with Livie.
He kept waiting for her to pull him aside and say that the things she said had been in the heat of some kind of fever, but she’d come to her senses now and knew what she wanted.
And it wasn’t him.
He didn’t believe that was one-hundred percent true. She wanted him, just not the him who was a firefighter.
Deep down, he knew that, and he also knew with the same surety that the sun was going to rise in the east, that it was going to become a point of contention.
Not that she’d ever ask him to quit. She’d never do that. She’d just sever the tie between them and Royce didn’t like any of his options. He tried not to dwell on it, but it lurked like the shadow of a rainstorm over a sunny day.
He was glad for the upcoming getaway.
She said she didn’t want a ghost between them, but there was. Ben’s presence was everywhere.
It wasn’t that he wanted to forget his friend, but he needed Livie to be with him because of who he was, not who he wasn’t.
Every night he didn’t have to be at the Seven, he was there with her.
Tonight was his last shift before their long weekend at Table Rock and he was looking forward to stealing her out of her element and giving her something new. Showing her how easy it could be for them to have everything.
Noah sat down on the bench press next to him.
“You going to get in some lifting?”
“Yeah, I thought I’d put up a few.” Noah shrugged. “And I wanted to talk to you. Spot me?”
Royce backed the settings down slowly and came to a stop. “Sure.”
He helped him add a bit of weight before moving to stand at the head of the bench.
Noah positioned his hands and Royce guided the bar off the stand, and Noah took over from there.
“What’s up?” Royce asked.
“I’m going to take the test. I’ve been thinking about it, and I want to.”
“You know I’m good with that.”
“Here’s what I know. You don’t want to leave the Seven and whoever promotes will be going to the Nine.” He lifted two more times before Royce said anything.
“It’s not just that. I don’t know that I’m ready.”
“Sure you are. You pretty much run this team.”
“Not really. People just look to me because I’m Bill Cole’s son. What’s this about?”
“It’s about me telling you that I’m going first so you don’t have to leave the Seven. So you don’t have any excuse not to get your ass in there and take the test.”
“I don’t know if I want it.”
“There it is.” Noah nodded as he eased the bar back down into the brackets.
“There what is?”
“The truth. You keep saying you’re not ready, but that’s not it. You don’t know if you want it. I don’t think you’ve admitted that to y
ourself.” He sat up. “I think you’re afraid to fail.”
“Everyone is afraid to fail, Finnegan.”
“That’s true, but you don’t know what failure feels like. You’ve always succeeded at everything you’d done. Even catching Livie.” Noah held up his hand to keep him from speaking. “No, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, or you shouldn’t succeed. That’s not it at all. But this is the thing where it matters if you fail. This is the time it counts.”
“It counts when I’m in the field. Every time I answer a call.”
“You know you’ve got that down. It’s feeling the weight of our lives on your shoulders that you don’t know you want. I’m going to tell you something.”
He knew Noah was right. He didn’t necessarily like it, but that was the thing about the truth. It was always there and it existed no matter how you liked it.
“What?”
“You do want it, and so does the rest of the house.”
Royce didn’t realize how much he’d needed to hear those words until Noah spoke them.
“So would I if I didn’t want the job, too.”
“What if I screw up?” What he meant was, what if he failed his station brothers. His family. The people who loved the men who worked for him, put their lives in his hands.
“You might, but we’ve all chosen to be here, just like you. We all know the risks.”
At the root of everything, he realized he blamed himself for Ben’s death. He’d thought those feelings had been dealt with. He thought he’d made his peace, but he hadn’t. Not really. It had become a dirty little seed that sprouted self-doubt in a place where it had always been a stranger.
“What happened to Ben wasn’t your fault. You weren’t even there.”
“I know that.”
“Good. Then you’ll go take that damn test with me.”
“All right.” He shrugged.
“Good. Let’s put some real weight on this thing now, okay?”
“Yeah, that’s fine. But if you go over what I can lift, you’ll be up shit creek without a paddle.”
“That’s my goal.”
“To lift more than me? Then you’ll be the one spotting everyone.”
“That’s kind of what the LT job is, isn’t it?”
