by Sara Arden
"You think?" she said. "I'm sure you'll find something to hold against me when we're old and crunchy."
"Yeah?" He pressed his forehead against hers. "Maybe I'll just yell at you to stay off my lawn."
"Your lawn?"
"You have a black thumb. You've killed plastic plants." He wasn’t exactly teasing.
"Oh, you're right." She grinned. "I guess I need to figure out what I am good at."
"You're good at a lot of things."
"Really? Could you give me a list?"
"If you really want me to."
She laughed. "No, not really. Maybe I want to be a zipline tour guide."
"Okay."
Livie laughed again. "I haven't laughed this much in so long."
"I know, I'm so glad to see it."
"You've done so much for me, Royce. Will you let me give you something back?"
"You gave me a very nice night at The Crescent. You do things for me all the time. Remember the accident off the Tower? You came and sat with me all the time. That was my favorite, I think, waking up and seeing you there. You were just reading quietly, or scribbling in a notebook and it was this perfect silence together."
"I didn't realize you were awake those times."
"Not for long. Just enough to know you were there." It had meant the world to him to know she’d come. When he’d first woken up, he thought it was a dream.
"I started a novel."
"What was it about?" He wanted to know what was going on in her head. Anything she thought about. Everything.
"A silly little girl who falls in love with a fireman." She seemed embarrassed by it.
"Is this a happy story?" If it wasn’t, maybe he could help make it one.
"So far."
"Do you think it will have a happy ending?"
"I don't know."
"You're the writer. You can choose how it ends."
"Huh, you're right. Do you know what I choose?"
"Tell me." He waited for her answer.
"Let's go back to the houseboat and not come out of our room until it's time for dinner."
"That sounds like my favorite plan."
"I love you, Royce. I love you so much it hurts. Don't break me, okay? Please?"
Her words cut him and healed all of his hurt places at the same time. "Never. I love you, too, Livie. I always have and I always will."
15
In the days since their getaway, it had been like living a dream, but like all dreams, it had to come an end.
That end came in a towering inferno that threatened to swallow everything in its path.
The TV above the bar in Ben's Place had been turned to the news, and the reporter's words made her blood run cold.
"...local firefighters are preparing to join the fight..."
Her throat closed and she found she couldn't breathe. The world around her swam as the colors and shapes ran together. It took a moment for her to steady herself. Men and woman, just like Hayden, Allie, and Royce would be packing a bag and flying toward danger to help fight the raging beast that was always hungry, that devoured anything in its path.
Livie knew the time would come when she'd have to watch him walk into danger and she knew she'd have to keep her shit together, no matter what it meant for their relationship. She couldn't lay that on him now.
No, no, she reassured herself. You don't even know that he's going.
But she did. She didn't need him to tell her what she already knew. Still, she hoped against hope he would stay. Someone had to. They couldn't leave the Seven unmanned. Ember Lake needed its firefighters, too.
Even as she repeated the litany to herself, it sounded hollow and false. Royce would go, because he was one of the best. He had all kinds pretty little certifications after his name. Crisis management training. He'd be an asset anywhere, and Livie knew him well enough that in his heart, he'd want to go.
There was part of her that was selfish enough to ask him not to. To stay home. To let someone else go. To let someone else walk through fire so just so she could keep him a little bit longer, but she wouldn't really be keeping him, would she?
That would kill something inside of him, something good. It'd be like slicing off a limb.
Only, he'd said he'd do it for her. Said he'd take a desk job. With all of his risk and crisis management, he'd be great at coordinating things from a safe distance.
She poured herself a shot of whiskey and downed it. Then another. And took a deep breath. Her hands were shaking and tears welled in her eyes, sobs choked back down her throat. Another whiskey would burn them away, at least for the moment.
She poured another.
Even though Livie owned a bar, she wasn't a heavy drinker, but she had to have something to steady her nerves.
She kept waiting for her phone to ring and the longer the it didn't, the worse it was. She paced around the bar, having totally given up on doing anything productive.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, but she knew logically it had been only minutes, the door to the bar opened and it wasn't at all who she expected.
It was Allie.
Her gaze went first to the TV and then to Livie. "Are you okay?"
"He's going, isn't he?"
Allie nodded.
"Oh god." Livie put her hand to her mouth and a single sob escaped. She clenched her teeth, as if that could hold back the tidal wave that threatened to drown her. Livie knew if she let herself cry, or surrendered to these feelings, the dam would break and she'd never stop.
Allie rushed to her and held her tight. She was sure if it brought her comfort, or made it worse, maybe both.
"Cry now, if you want. Let it all out here, don't let Royce see it when he comes to tell you."
Livie shook her head and sniffed. "No, I won't cry. I won't send him off with him worrying about me."
"You know he already is."
"I won't do that to him," she reiterated.
"Good. You know how to do this."
Did she? No, she didn't. Or maybe it wasn't she didn't know how, it was that she didn't want to. She couldn't.
"I was at the fire station when the call came through." Allie fixed her with a hard look. "Royce almost said no, even though it was his straw that was pulled. That's how they do it, you know. So it's fair."
She was torn between being relieved he'd choose her, and being angry he hadn't. But that's not what happened. This wasn't him choosing the job over her. This wasn't him putting the job first. This was her, being incredibly selfish.
"I know that he's considering taking a desk job to ease your mind."
"I didn't ask him to!" she blurted.
"No, and you wouldn't, would you?" Allie said, her voice kind, and almost a whisper. It was the kind of tone a mother would use with a child who was about to do a bad thing, but she knows her child can be more, if given the time and the opportunity to make the right choice.
She shook her head. "No, I wouldn't." Livie closed her eyes. "But I want to."
"Then why haven't you?"
"Because I know him." She swallowed hard. "For some people a job is just a job. But for Royce, it's part of who he is. I won't ask him not to be what he is."
"I'm glad you see that. I wasn't sure if this conversation was going to go the way it needed to."
"You know I love him, even thought I don't want to. I've loved him for a long time and that's not how love works. As much I hate the fact."
"What do you mean, you don't want to love my son?" Allie teased. "I get it. He's a pain in the ass. But he's our pain in the ass."
But he wasn't, was he?
"What happens when this is over? Say that everything's okay. He comes back the hero that we all know he is. But what about the next time?"
"That's just part of the deal, honey. None of us know how much time we have or how we're going to go out. Loving anyone is a pretty dangerous proposition, if you think about it."
"Some more dangerous than others," Livie said.
; "You're right, but allowing yourself to love someone is always signing up for a dose of pain. Love means loss. But before you think it's all shadows and gut punches, it also means joy. It means spending the breath you've got, each moment, loving them and being loved in return. You have to decided that it's worth it. I think it is, obviously, I wouldn't be here."
"You don't really get to pick if you love your sons or not," Livie teased as she sniffed, still trying desperately not to cry.
Allie gave her another of those soft smiles. "No, that's not something I get to choose. But I can choose whether or not to like them. Whether or not to be proud of the men they've become. And I get to choose whether or not I'd spend my life, my moments, with a man who puts his life on the line for others. I had to decide if what makes him the man I love is worth the pain that could gut me. Obviously, it is. And he had to make the same choice."
"But you gave it up," Livie said. "You quit."
"I did, because I didn't think it was fair to the boys to have two parents in dangerous jobs. Bill didn't ask me to. Grammie didn't either, but I know she was relieved when I did. I get that. You think it's easy for me to watch my sons do this job? But they've grown into men like their father. I couldn't ask for more than that. Bill is the best man I've had the privilege to know."
"I feel that way about Royce."
"Does he know that?"
"I think so."
"Why don't you stay with me while they're gone."
"Bill is going, too?"
Allie nodded. "He's going to be helping out in the command center."
"It must've been hard seeing him draw that straw, too." Livie nodded, feeling a certain camaraderie with Allie.
"Actually, I was supposed to go. They need help organizing all that paperwork and where the money to feed and house all the extra hands is going to come from. You know, I still do that for the Ember Lake Fire Department."
"I don't understand. Why is Bill going then?"
"Because Royce said you'd need me more that they would and he's right. You're a mess, honey."
"This might call for another shot of whiskey."
"Were you all afraid Royce was going to come tell me he was leaving, as if I didn't already know, and I'd flip out on him? Send him off to fight that monster with all my emotional baggage on his shoulders?"
"The thought had occurred to me." Allie accepted the shot of whiskey Livie poured for her.
"That would make me a pretty awful person."
"No, it wouldn't. It would make you human. We all know what you went through with Ben. The relationship you have with my son isn't only about him."
"Right now, it is. And that's okay. I can do this." That might've been the biggest lie she'd ever told anyone.
"Will you think about packing a bag and staying with me while they're gone? I don't want to be alone."
"You don't want me to be alone."
"That too, but it's not just you. You'd be doing me a favor. Bill hasn't been gone like this since the boys still lived at home. I need you, too."
That was a bit of a revelation for Livie. "It doesn't seem like you need anyone. You're like this rock. For everyone."
"That's my job. It's a job I love, but everyone needs a day off, right?"
"Okay, if you really want me too."
"I really do. I'll go get Royce's old room made up for you. Anything you'd like me to keep in the house for you to eat?" At her hesitation, Allie added, "Don't be shy. Food doesn't make itself."
"Cupcakes, then. I want red velvet cupcakes with sour cream frosting."
Allie gave her a motherly smile. "As many as you want. But you, bring this bottle of whiskey. It's good stuff."
"You can text Royce and tell him he might as well come see me and I'll help him pack." This was her part. This was what she had to do, even though she was doing it with shaking fingers and a trembling heart.
"He's probably outside already, waiting." She shrugged. "It might seem a bit unmanly that he sent his mama to talk to you, but..."
"No, I get it." She nodded. "You're the one with the experience waiting for the phone call."
"Exactly. I knew you were the right one for him. You fit with our family. You belong to us and we belong to you."
It was a strange thing, that. She didn't want this, not with all these people she could lose to the heroism that had stolen her husband. She wanted a big family, a close family, she wanted everything that All American dream had to offer, except the blood that had to be shed to keep it.
Everything had a price, and this, right now, was the price for loving Royce Cole. For being his One.
Her heart was at war with itself.
It loved these people with a furious intensity that was much like a fire itself, consuming and raw. But it was also scarred and weak, and she didn't know if she could withstand the flame.
Royce was torn between desire and duty. It wasn't a pretty place to be.
He supposed it was desire and desire, if he was completely honest.
He'd drawn the short straw, and he wouldn't deny that he'd wanted it. Wanted it, but feared it, too. Feared what it meant for him and Livie.
He feared that she'd ask him to choose.
This had brought all of the promises he'd made in the black of night to whoever was listening into sharp relief.
They'd been lies.
If she asked him not to go, he wouldn't have been able to stay. He wondered if that made him like Ben. If he was married to the job.
Perhaps he was, just a little bit.
He didn't know how his parents made it work. His mother would never sign up to be second to anything. Not another woman, not a passion, and definitely not a job.
Being a fireman was part of who he was, it seemed coded into his DNA.
When his mother had volunteered to talk to Livie, at first, he'd felt like a coward, but after she explained to him how she had experiences he hadn't, she knew acutely what Livie would be feeling, it made sense.
Seeing his mom exit Ben's Place, he got out of the truck and she made a beeline for him and wrapped him in a hard hug. "Stop by and see Grammie on the way to the airport. She's got a pie in the oven for you and Dad to share on the flight."
"Thanks, Ma. You know it's all going to be okay, right? I don't have to tell you that."
"Yes, you do. And you better make every promise you know how to swear to that lady in there."
"Of course I will." He dropped a kiss on her forehead. "I love you."
"I love you, too. Take care of your dad. He's not as young as he used to be. I swear on all that's holy if he hurts himself and we can't go on this cruise..." she let the threat hang, obviously using the vacation to hide her very real fears about what could happen to both of them.
"You know I will. We'll both come back to you safe and sound."
"Good. Have a safe trip. Help as many people as you can and know that we're all so proud of you. I'll keep Livie close for you. She's going to stay with me while you guys are gone."
"That's a weight off my shoulders. Dad's too, but we won't tell him I told you he was worried about you being here."
"What?"
"Oh, Dad knows you well. He said he'd worry about you less if you were there doing the things and organizings because you'd have something to do with your hands."
"I'll have plenty to do with my hands. Livie demanded cupcakes."
"Thank you for this, Mom."
"You just come home safe. That's all the thanks I need."
He opened her car door for her before heading inside the bar.
Livie was red-eyed, and looked like a doe caught in the sights of a wolf.
"Do I get a goodbye kiss?"
"No. Because it's not goodbye. It's a kiss until I get to kiss you again."
He grinned. "I'll take that."
She walked to him slowly and he could see that she was fighting emotion.
He was too. So many things inside of him were knotted up. He had to go. He wanted to go, but he didn't wan
t to put her through this. He didn't want her to be in pain. Or be afraid. She deserved to feel safe and loved, but this was the reality of what it meant to be loved by him and to love him in return.
Royce knew if she couldn't do that, if she didn't want to do that, there was nothing he could do to change it. All he could do was love her, and hope she didn't ask him to stay.
"You look terrified," she said, putting her hands on his shoulders. "I know what you're afraid of."
"You do?" He hoped she didn't.
"Yeah. You're afraid I'm going to ask you not to go and when you tell me that you have to, you're afraid I'm going to be hurt. You're afraid I'm going to puke all this emotional vomit all over you and you'll have to wear it while you're trying to save lives."
He exhaled hard. "Yeah, you're right."
"I told you that you didn't want a desk job."
"Even if I had a desk job, Liv, I'd still go. I drew--"
She held up her hand. "No, I don't want to hear that, because it's not the whole truth. You want to go."
"I do." he nodded. "I guess I'm making excuses for who I am because I can't stand the thought of you not being here when I get back."
"Don't put that on me now. Just like I can't put all of this on you, don't ask me for promises I don't know if I can keep."
"You're right, I'm sorry. This sucks."
"It does. A lot." She leaned closer to him. "I will be here when you get back, of course, I will. I'm not going to put anything on you while you're doing this hero thing." Her voice cracked slightly. He knew she was trying not to cry. "I do love you. You know that."
"I know I'm asking a lot of you."
"I knew who you were when we started this. It's why I fought it so hard." She gave a sound that he was sure was supposed to have been a laugh.
"Let my mom take care of you while I'm gone, yeah? And take care of her?"
"Of course." She hugged him tighter. "I see what you did there."
He inhaled the clean scent of her hair. "Yeah, what's that?"
"You gave us both jobs, distractions to concentrate on so we're not worried about you and Bill."
"Funny how that works." He tilted her chin up and looked into her eyes, bright with unshed tears. He dipped his mouth to hers and tasted her sweetness with a bite of whiskey. "You taste like good whiskey. I need some more." He kissed her again, and she melted against him.
