Faith in You

by Pineiro, Charity

  Chapter 16

  Paul hadn’t meant to make love to her in the pool, but she had looked so good in her new trim shape. The five pounds she had set out to lose had turned into ten and the workouts had toned her muscles, giving her a curvier and yet leaner shape that made him crazy with need. She had decided to regrow her hair a little and her face was now framed by a cap of brown-black curls that made her look all too gamin.

  The bikini she had slipped on had aroused him from the moment she came out and jumped into the pool. When she teasingly came over to dunk him, trying to get him out of the black mood he had been wallowing in due to his anxiety about asking her for the prenuptial agreement, the press of her warm body in the chill water had triggered an eruption of desire inside of him.

  He had taken her, almost desperately, by the edge of the pool. She had held him, wrapped her body around him as if by doing so she could ease some of his pain, but instead she had only made his guilt worse.

  She had never held anything back from him, and here they were only weeks away from the wedding and he was holding everything back from her.

  “Paul, what’s wrong?” she asked as she held him afterwards, his body still encased in her warmth, her arms cradling him to her lovingly.

  “Nothing, Carmen. Nothing,” he lied, pulled away from her, and stepped out of the pool.

  Carmen watched him go and wished she could ease whatever it was that had been bothering him so. She worried that it might have something to do with them and the wedding. That maybe he had changed his mind and didn’t want to go through with it anymore.

  She swam to the edge of the pool, walked up the steps, and over to the chaise lounge where Paul lay, his head pillowed on his arms. She sat on the edge of his chaise, yanked the towel off her chair and began to dry herself. “Paul,” she prompted, laying her hand on his back.

  “Mmm?” he asked without even looking up.

  “If there’s something wrong, I’d like to talk about it. If you don’t want to get married anymore --”

  He sat up abruptly then. “Why would you think that?”

  Carmen shrugged. “You seem distant lately. Angry all the time. I thought maybe it had to do with us. With the wedding.”

  It would have been the perfect time to tell her. To let her know that he was struggling with a decision that would affect their marriage, but the coward in him was still too afraid to say anything. “No, Carmen. I’m just … preoccupied with work and all the wedding plans. I know I haven’t been myself and I’m sorry.”

  She delayed for a second, then nodded, accepting his response. “I’m here for you if you need someone to unload on. Whatever’s bothering you, I’ll listen.”

  “I understand. Really, there’s nothing.” At that moment he wanted the ground to swallow him up. Here she was, so compassionate and understanding, and he was lying to her about one of the most important things in what would be their life together.

  Carmen rose then and toweled down her legs. “If you don’t mind, I wanted to borrow your computer for a little while. Victor mentioned a couple of websites I should visit to get information on some classes he thought I might want to take. Is that all right?”

  Paul nodded. “Of course. You know where the machine is?”

  “In your study, right?”

  He nodded again and she rose, slipped on a terry cloth wrap, and walked away. He lay back down, closed his eyes, and tried to again make a decision about the piece of paper that had been haunting him for the past month. The agreement that sat on his desk, night after night after night.

  “Shit,” he cursed and jumped up.

  He had left the prenuptial agreement on his desk, right out in the open. Right next to his computer. There was no way she could not see it, unless of course, she had detoured before going to his office. He raced into the house and over to his study, but it was too late.

  She sat at his desk, the agreement in her hands. Her shoulders were hunched, as if she was in pain. He went over and laid his hand on her back, but she shrugged it off.

  “Carmen, I can explain.”

  She rose and held the paper up in her hand. “Can you? You think it’s that easy to explain this to me?” she said and tossed the agreement at him.

  It hit him in the chest and dropped to the ground. He bent and picked it up. “It’s not what you think.”

  She crossed her arms in front of her and leaned her weight back against the edge of his desk. “I think it’s a prenuptial agreement. Am I wrong?”

  “No, you’re not, but let me explain.”

  “When were you going to show it to me? On the day of the wedding? Or maybe when I reached the altar, right before the ceremony is supposed to begin? When, Paul?” The ice dripped off her words, chilling him to the bone. He had expected some hesitation on her part, but never this anger.

  “I wasn’t sure when,” he admitted, paced a few steps away, and dragged a hand through his wet hair. “It’s been bothering me for a while.”

  Carmen nodded as if suddenly realizing. “For a while? As in all month? This is what’s been bothering you all this time?”

  “Yes. I couldn’t decide. I still can’t decide if I want you to sign it, although it makes sense.”

  Carmen heard his words, but couldn’t believe that he meant them. The man she had fallen in love with wouldn’t have any hesitation about her love for him. But this man ….

  “Do you have any doubt about what I feel for you?”

  He answered immediately. “No.”

  She walked toward him and took the papers from his hand. “Then why this? What do you think this accomplishes?”

  Paul shrugged and looked down, unable to meet her gaze. “Even when two people love one another, sometimes things don’t work out.” He took a deep breath and met her gaze. “There are certain things I need to protect.”

  Carmen was starting to feel the anger again and something else. A bone deep pain that he had so little faith in their love. She looked around his study, motioning to everything around them. “What do you need to protect, Paul? All this?”

  A flush spread across his cheeks and he hesitated for a second before replying, “This and more that I’ve worked hard for. Things my family worked for.”

  He couldn’t have hurt her more if he had struck her. She laughed harshly. “You think all this makes any difference to me?” she said bitterly.

  “You certainly seem to enjoy all of it.”

  Carmen looked at the paper again, then back up at him. “I guess you never really understood me. I guess you never really understood what was important to me.” She turned, walked back to his desk, and dropped the papers there. She paused, lifted her hand, and removed the engagement ring from her finger and laid it on top of the prenuptial agreement.

  She turned and softly said, “You can stop worrying now, Paul. All this,” she motioned to the room again, “is safe.”

  Paul moved toward her, but she was out of the room and up the stairs to his bedroom before he could catch up to her. She closed the door on him, locked it, and wasted no time getting into her clothes, slipping on her shirt and jeans over the wet bikini.

  He pounded on the door the entire time, pleading with her to open up, but she knew there was no sense talking to him now. She was too upset and angry and he didn’t understand, had apparently never understood what it had all been about.

  After a few minutes he must have sensed there was no reason to keep on waiting for her to open the door. His footfalls echoed down the hall and steps. She waited another minute or so, grabbed her bag and purse, and walked out.

  The tears came a block later as she headed for the bus stop on Lejeune. She swallowed the tears down, forcing herself to remain calm as she boarded the bus, and left him behind.

  #

  Carmen eyed her sister as if she had grown two heads. “You want me to do what?”

  “Sign the agreement, Carmen,” Connie urged.

  Carmen shoved back from the table and paced angrily in
front of her sister. “You’re siding with him,” she lashed out.

  “No, little sis’. I’m siding with you. You love him. Why let a little piece of paper keep you apart?”

  “A little piece of paper,” Carmen nearly shouted and advanced on her sister. She braced her hands on the table to keep them from vibrating with the anger in her heart. “If Victor had asked this of you, would you have done it?”

  “Victor didn’t --”

  “But if he had, Con. Would you have signed it?” Carmen urged, forcing her sister to put herself in her shoes.

  Connie glanced down, clearly giving it some thought. “It would have broken my heart, Carmen,” she finally admitted and rose, came over and embraced her sister.

  “He broke my heart, Con. How can I give in now and sign?” she asked and held her sister tight.

  Connie brushed back a lock of the curls that had grown out. “Does it change how you feel for him, though? Does it make it any easier to be apart?”

  “No, of course not,” she said, let go of her sister, and started pacing again as she thought. “But if I sign, what does it say to him, Con? Think about it? Does it mean I think we can’t last?”

  Connie shrugged. “Maybe it just means that you’re willing to reassure him.”

  “Reassure him,” she said with a sigh. “Either way I lose. We lose, Paul and I.”

  Connie considered her, not quite understanding. “Explain to me, Carmen.”

  Carmen sat down then and was silent for a second before she faced her sister. “He thinks I love him just for his money. If I sign, he feels safe and knows I’m not after his money, right? But I lose my self-respect.” She hesitated for a second, then went on, her voice growing husky with emotion. “And if I don’t sign, he thinks I’m a gold-digger. That the only thing about him I want is his money.”

  “He doesn’t think that about you,” Connie tried to reassure.

  “No, but he thinks it about himself. He thinks he’s not worthy of being loved just for himself. What will happen in time to what we feel for each other if he has such doubts? What do we build our life on?”

  Connie had no real answer for her sister. “You try and show him, Carmen.”

  “I thought I had. I thought I had,” Carmen replied softly and tears came to her eyes as she remembered all that they had shared. She shook her head and tried to drive away those thoughts, but they remained firmly planted. “There were times we just hung out together, like the first time I studied and he worked. Times when we watched a movie and then talked to all hours of the night afterward. They were so nice and I thought we had started to understand each other. To trust each other in all those months of being together.”

  Connie nodded and murmured, “I’m sure you did. But let’s face it, you’re always learning new things about the people you love. It’s part of life.”

  “Look at what I’ve just learned. My fiancé doesn’t trust me,” Carmen replied and started to cry. She covered her face with her hands and her sister’s arms come around her, drew her tight.

  “I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. But in his own mixed-up way, I’m sure he’s hurting as well.” She urged her away and dipped down on one knee to face her. “You’ve never given up on anything, don’t give up now. Talk to him.”

  “I did, Connie. I did talk to him,” she repeated.

  “In the heat of anger and of hurt,” Connie guessed and Carmen nodded. Connie continued. “Give yourself a little time and when you are calmer, talk to him.” She brushed her hand across Carmen’s cheek, wiping away the trails of her tears.

  Carmen reached up, grabbed her sister’s hand, and nodded. She took a deep, shuddering breath and tried to imagine how long it would take before the pain went away. She wondered if by then the sense of failure at having fallen in love with a man who had so little faith would go away so she could face him more calmly.

  But she would try what Connie said. She would give it a little time and try again. Her sister had been right on the money about that. She had never given up on anything in her life and she wasn’t about to start now.

  Chapter 17

  Paul shuffled papers around on his desk and tried to avoid Connie as she walked in, but that was impossible.

  She marched straight up to his desk and sat herself on the edge. “I’m going to say this now, then I expect us to put it behind us and act as if nothing ever happened. I think you are the world’s biggest fool. I think you are making the worst mistake of your life and not just because she’s my sister. She made you happy and she loved you. You threw that back in her face.”

  Paul glanced around. She had said the words in low tones, for his ears only, but everyone watched intently. The office grapevine had apparently been at top speed this morning since everyone seemed to know something was up. He stood and inclined his head in the direction of one of the interrogation rooms.

  “Please,” he said and Connie stood, followed him into the room.

  Once they were inside, he closed the door behind them, and sat on the table while Connie seated herself at one of the chairs. He began. “I don’t want this to interfere with our work relationship, as difficult as that may be. And I don’t want you to think that I wanted to break it off with Carmen. On the contrary, I would marry her tomorrow if she’d have me.”

  Connie narrowed her eyes and examined him carefully. “Do you love her?”

  Paul let out a harsh breath. “Of course I do.”

  Connie threw her hands up into the air. “Then why would you do something as stupid as ask her to sign a prenuptial agreement?”

  “Aw, come on, Connie,” he said, stood and paced across the front of the room. “People sign those all the time. How else do you protect yourself when --”

  “It ends. Is that what you think is going to happen to you and Carmen?” She asked it calmly, her hands clasped primly in her lap.

  He waved his hands, trying to find an explanation. “How do I know what’s going to happen? That’s why people sign these.”

  Connie rose then and braced her hands on the table before her. “There you go again, with ‘people’ who sign these. What kinds of people? People who have money who marry people who don’t?”

  Paul slashed the air angrily with his hands. “That’s not what it’s about.”

  “That is what it’s all about. You have and we don’t. You want to keep it that way,” she replied passionately. “Isn’t that what it’s always about? Money. Power.”

  He turned from her, placed his hands on his hips, and swore under his breath. “That’s not what it is,” he repeated more forcefully.

  Sometimes it was about love, he thought.

  From behind him came her quiet question. “What is it then? Are you afraid that it won’t work out?”

  That was part of what it was all about. The other part was about his not being able to fulfill Carmen in all the ways she had made him whole, but he couldn’t get the words out, his throat was so tight with emotion. Instead, he nodded, dropped his head down, and plopped into a chair.

  Connie laid a hand on his shoulder and came around to face him. “Do you think that paper will protect you from losing what you care about the most?”

  Paul looked at her and forced himself to answer. “I’ve already lost that.”

  Connie felt his pain as if it were her own. She sat down next to him, reached out and grabbed hold of his hand. “I’m going to tell you this now and if you ever tell my sister, I will use my gun on you, do you understand?”

  Paul looked up and battled against the tears he wanted to shed. “I never heard it from you.”

  Connie nodded and went on. “As much as I love my sister, she has her faults. Stubbornness being chief amongst them. But that stubbornness works both ways.”

  He furrowed his brow, trying to make sense of what she had said, but he couldn’t and gave her a puzzled look.

  “I know, it’s hard for me to understand too. What I know is this. She loves you, despite everything. And she’s stub
born enough to hold onto that deep in her heart even though right now she’s incredibly angry with you.”

  Hope came to him at her words, but he heard the hesitation in his friend’s voice. “What’s the downside to that stubbornness?”

  Connie looked down and clasped her hands tightly before glancing at him. “She’s set her mind against the prenuptial agreement and I can understand why, Paul.”

  “Then explain it to me, Connie,” he said in frustration. “Your sister sure as hell won’t.”

  She reached out and grabbed Paul’s hand. “She won’t talk to you yet because you’ve hurt her in just about every way you could. You doubted her honor. You doubted her love, a love she gave you freely and without asking anything of you other than that you love her back,” she urged with a gentle squeeze of his hand.

  He twined his fingers with hers, drawing comfort from that act, and softly replied, “I do love her, Connie.”

  She leaned her head close to his. “Then don’t doubt her. Don’t look for problems that may never exist. Believe that what you feel for one another is enough,” she tried to convince him, but he unclasped their hands, rose, and started to pace again, his hands jammed into this pants pockets.

  “Believing? What is it with you two? Is it some kind of mantra you repeat in your heads all the time. Have faith? Believe?” he said, his voice escalating in volume, his exasperation clear. “What the hell kind of faith can I have?”

  Connie hesitated for a second before responding, knowing her answer might seem harsh, judgmental even. “Maybe when you’re born with everything that anyone could want, faith isn’t so important.”

  “But when you have nothing, it’s that faith that makes each day bearable. It keeps the hunger in your stomach tolerable. It gives your heart hope to keep on beating.”

  He stopped pacing and looked at her. In a moment of epiphany, he knew he’d had little idea of the forces that had shaped these two women. One who had become his friend. The other who had become his lover and given him back his soul. He wanted to know more. “Tell me.”

  She shook her head. “It’s not for me to tell.”