Life With A Fire-Breathing Girlfriend

by Bryan Fields

  The Elves were unmistakably Elves. If Ember showed one of the pictures she was taking to an Amazon tribe who had never met outsiders before, they would point and say, ‘That’s an Elf’. They were all tall, ideally proportioned, wearing robes or toga-like gowns of gauzy, gossamer-weight fabric that looked sheer when seen out of the corner of your eye, but became opaque if you tried to look directly at the wearer.

  Their ears and eyebrows were, as far as I could tell, a match for the most logical race in classic science fiction. Their features were sharp, chiseled and angular, giving their faces a fox-like aspect I hadn’t expected. Their movements were fluid and feline; they moved as though they owned everything they laid their eyes on and couldn’t wait to start playing with it.

  I had initially thought the room we were in had been done in polished marble, but once my eyes adjusted, I could see faint, eggshell-colored marks in the arctic-white floor. The marks formed parallel, slightly curved lines running from one side of the room to the other. I followed several up the wall until they joined matching lines in the ceiling. They were growth rings. I was in a room carved out of the body of an impossibly huge tree. I joined Ember at the window and looked out on the new world.

  I’d seen the sky before, through the glimpse Rose provided at Sharon’s funeral. Two suns were high in the violet sky, neither as bright as our sun on their own, but together they were brighter overall. The planetary rings were only partially visible on the east and west horizons; it was too bright to see the middle of the arc against the sunlight.

  The city of Tianisa was built on the sides of a mountain valley the size of the Grand Canyon. The tree we were in seemed to be the largest one in sight, but the others foresting each side of the valley were still the size of skyscrapers. Each redwood-sized, gold-leafed tree had multiple structures built around the trunk and supported by the branches, all connected by broad walkways stretching from branch to branch, linking one tree to another. A river coursed through the red grass filling the bottom of the valley, broad, slow, and placid. Down toward the bottom of the valley, a few bridges spaced maybe half a mile to a mile apart, connected each side of the city for pedestrian traffic.

  And it was a city for pedestrians. There were no cars, of course, but neither were there horses, carts, wagons, or any hubbub of crowd noise. It sounded like a forest. Bird calls, wind through the trees, the occasional screech of giant eagles. I think the city guard used them as mounts. I could see several sets of three flying through the valley. Other than the guards, though, this was a city for people who had, literally, all the time in the world. When you live long enough to watch evolutionary changes occur and new constellations form, why not enjoy strolling everywhere?

  My rational mind was full of thoughts such as, ‘what the Hell is in the air to cause the violet wavelengths to scatter instead of blue?’ and ‘the flowers, ivy, and decorative plants all have green leaves, so where do you get gold-leafed trees and red grass?’ The rest of my mind was jumping up and down, shouting ‘this is so cool!’ My rational mind retreated to its cave to sulk.

  Miranda joined us at the window. After a moment, she said, “I’ve seen this sky before.” She looked at Rose. “What we saw at Sharon’s funeral. You did that.”

  Rose nodded. “It was an illusion. I wanted to help Manya feel better.”

  “It was beautiful.” Miranda looked out the window and sighed. “I think it helped. I know it helped me.” She leaned against Jake’s chest and pulled his arms around her.

  A section of the wall moved back and slid to the side, revealing a fox-headed woman in a sea-blue kimono. Her body was humanoid, covered in russet-and-cream fur. Behind her, nine distinct, foxy tails spread out in a display of glorious vulpine plumage. She bowed to us, received our return bows, and clapped her paws twice. Four Elven girls entered, each carrying a silver necklace on an ornate, embroidered pillow. The girls looked like teenagers, but that really didn’t mean anything; they could have been centuries old.

  The kitsune—yes, I’m sure that’s what she was—gestured for myself and the other Humans to stand together so she could slip the necklaces over our heads. When she finished, she bowed again. “Welcome to the house of Aiyliria of Tianisa. I am Chiburui, hatamoto and major domo to the Mistress. Be at ease, honored guests.”

  The translator didn’t render her name or rank into English, but I didn’t need it to. I knew both terms from my iaijutsu studies. Her name literally meant ‘cleansing the blade’, a sharp, downward stroke used to fling blood off your sword before you sheathe it. A hatamoto is a vassal in direct, personal service to a Shogun or Emperor. Given the reputed power of a nine-tailed kitsune in Japanese folklore, by my math she served as personal bodyguard, head assassin, or both.

  Harmony thanked Chiburui and introduced us, referring to herself and Rose by the names they were using in our world. She added, “We thank the Mistress for the gift of the translators and pledge their safe return once our business is completed. We await her guidance.”

  Ember raised her hand. “Pardon me, but I’d like to ask a question.” Chiburui nodded, and Ember continued. “We all want to show proper respect to our hostess, but we know nothing of your customs. Is there anything we should do, or more importantly, not do, in your Mistress’ presence? Our weapons, for example. Is there a place we can stow them before meeting your mistress?”

  Chiburui smiled. “Your courtesy in asking for guidance is appreciated, and my Mistress notes your concern. As for your weapons, how would you suggest I disarm the Dragonesses? Be at peace. It is using weapons, not wearing them, which violates hospitality.” She gestured to the four Elven girls. “These young ladies will be your guides. If you have any questions about our customs, they will assist you. My Mistress is ready to receive you now. This way please.”

  We left through another door in the side of the room and walked along an ivy-covered colonnade to a modest building roofed with white jade. Two more Elven maidens opened the doors and ushered us into an empty, unadorned room. The maidens went on to open doors to two smaller anterooms.

  Chiburui gestured to the anterooms. “This is my lady’s bath house. She requests you join her in the main atrium to discuss your business with her. You may leave your personal items in these rooms.”

  Miranda sighed. “Well, I guess the question of wearing weapons just got academic.”

  Rose cleared her throat. “Entering the baths is a gesture of trust, going both ways. Historically, the vast majority of political assassinations have taken place at the baths. She does us honor by receiving us here, but it is also a test. She wishes to know more about Earth and its people. So, please remember you are representing your entire world.”

  No one had a response beyond silent, sober nods, so we split up to store our gear and our clothes. Armed with our translator necklaces and some very fluffy towels, we entered the atrium. Just hot-tubbing with friends, right?

  Through some artful arrangement of mirrors and lenses, the walls and ceiling displayed the outside world. A quick glance into the pool showed that the view looked down as well. The image of a quarter-mile of air below us was just as unnerving as it sounds. We left our towels hanging from a set of artfully shaped tree branches and entered the pool.

  Aiyliria of Tianisa was the first Elf I’d seen who looked…old. Her bearing could only be described as regal, and her eyes… These were the eyes of someone who had watched Humans since before they learned to make fire. Hell, she might have been the one who taught them how to make it.

  The maidens escorting us entered the water with us, but left their gowns on. The handmaidens attending Aiyliria were wearing gowns as well. I guess that meant they were still on the job. Chiburui sat in seiza, behind and to the side of her mistress, giving her a clear field of fire on us. She bowed and introduced each of us in turn.

  Aiyliria acknowledged Chiburui without appearing to move. She raised her hand and gestured for us to come closer. As we did, she asked, “Who among you has spoken with the renegad
e Caretaker?”

  I raised my hand. “I have, madam. Smith sought me out and made a point of explaining his plan to me. He asked me to accept leadership of those who manage to survive his attack on our world.”

  She smiled at the name. “An interesting appellation. Did the Caretaker accept it?”

  “He seemed to. I think he found it amusing.” I hesitated for a moment, and added, “Honestly, that particular name wasn’t intended to be complementary.”

  “No matter. He accepted it, and that will be enough.” Aiyliria inclined her head toward Harmony and continued. “It was Dragon magic that summoned Smith, magic accessed and directed by one Human on your world. In exchange for your services, I will charge a holding crystal with a spell capable of severing the energy conduit between that Human and Smith. When you return to your world, you will need to find her and use the spell on her. Once the conduit is severed, the Caretaker will be unable to draw power through her. By focusing on the name he accepted from you, you will be able to summon him to you. Tell him the Collective demands his return. He cannot refuse the will of the Collective. Your world will be saved and ours will continue as it is.”

  “Sounds good to me,” I said. “What is it you want us to do?”

  Chiburui pulled a scroll case out of the sleeve of her kimono and handed it to Aiyliria. Aiyliria passed it to one of her handmaidens, who presented it to Harmony. Aiyliria said, “This is a map to the ruins of a Dwarven village called Jadehearth. Many years ago, it was a city of stoneworkers and craftsmen, working the jade mine under the town.”

  “Let me guess,” Jake said. “They delved too greedily and too deep?”

  Aiyliria shook her head. “No, the mines are still viable and would be productive, if any could be found to work them. A Human warlord came to the town seeking to press the Dwarves into service making weapons for him. These were not weapon smiths. They were sculptors, and jewelers. The warlord executed the adult males and took the rest as slaves. The women he sent to his kitchens. They served the army a stew made from poisonous mushrooms, and died with the warlord. Their spirits returned home, but they do not rest.”

  “The town has become a haven for lawless Humans of the lowest order; the wretched, the condemned, and the banished. The spirits hold the town until their people return to work the mines and the stone again, so the criminals camp in the open, in tents and hovels, and do not disturb the homes. This will be your task.”

  Jake said, “Pardon the interruption, but how dangerous are these spirits? Can we expect them to be hostile? For that matter, what is guarding these ruins? If getting these things is as easy as you’re making it sound, you would have gone in and grabbed them yourself.”

  “The spirits should ignore you, but there may be other threats,” Aiyliria said. She waved her hand as though dismissing any concerns. “I have sent expeditions before. They did not return. However, they were common sell-swords. They were not slayers such as you, and they did not have your mighty drakessa to call on. I’m sure you will encounter no difficulties.”

  “I’m sure we won’t,” Miranda said. She leaned over to Jake and said, “We really should have grabbed that .50 caliber BFG while Harris wasn’t looking.”

  Jake held his hands up. “I tried. Bastard had a trigger lock on the damn thing. Hopefully twelve-gauge slugs will be enough.”

  “Please attend.” Chiburui opened a scroll and held it up for us to see. “These are the items you are looking for. Collect only the ones bearing this symbol.” The sketch showed a wooden box, marked by a circle of runes around a symbol resembling a bamboo plant. That scroll got passed to Harmony as well.

  Aiyliria rose from the water and her handmaidens surrounded her with towels and a floor-length robe. We stood up and grabbed our towels as well. Aiyliria said, “The map shows locations where these boxes may be found. Gather as many as you can find, but do not open them. If you find opened ones and you have room, you may collect them as well, but only to fill excess space. I need all you can find back here in five days. Complete this task and the spell you seek is yours.” She turned and left through a door in the back of the bath.

  Harmony said, “If I’m correct about the landmarks on this map, the village is a day’s flight each way. We better get moving.” We returned to the changing rooms and got dressed again. When we entered the reception room, Chiburui had a small stack of bundles waiting for us.

  “My lady wishes you to use these carrying sacks to transport the items you find. Any object placed within them will be protected from fire, water, or spell. Also, while my lady has given you five days, if you can conclude your errand in three, I’m sure you would have her gratitude.” She slid the bundles across the floor. “Are there any other issues to address?”

  “I have one,” Ember said. “May I take your picture?”

  Chiburui was skeptical, but curious, and after several test shots of us and the city outside, she agreed to pose for Ember, as did our Elf maiden escorts. Apparently, Elven use imaging crystals the way we use cameras, only they record and project life-size images.

  The nearest open space big enough to accommodate Harmony’s Draconic form was a half-hour walk away. Chiburui led the way, flanked by two handmaidens carrying Aiyliria’s house banners. The intention was to keep the city guards from hassling us, and they worked quite well. We saw at least four patrols come swooping down at us, only to pull up at the last second as they recognized the banners.

  On Earth, shifting form requires Dragons to unpack their mass in increments, each time being able to move a bit more from dimensional storage into the world. Here, it was just a matter of meditating until they accumulated enough magic to do the shift all at once. Being smaller, Rose finished first. When she finished changing, she was wearing a saddle and two cargo carriers shaped like aerodynamic coffins. She crouched down and I stowed our gear while Harmony finished her transformation.

  I had expected Harmony to be large (and she was, slightly larger than an articulated bus), but not for her to be an Oriental-style Dragon. Her scales were polished, metallic gold, with pearl horns and claws. She had a thick, luxurious mane of crimson fur running down her back and mustaches that measured close to half her total body length. They curved and coiled in the air, coming close but never actually touching other objects.

  She pressed her claws together, grasped air, and stretched nothing until a large, black-lacquered travel trunk appeared. She opened the lid and removed a mass of straps and blankets. She set about turning the assortment of leather bits into saddles and safety harnesses for three while Ember, Miranda, and Jake stowed their gear in the travel trunk.

  With gear stowed and everyone mounted, we waved farewell to Chiburui and our Dragons lifted us into the sky.

  Chapter Five

  “You run across a small camp of brigands…”

  Riding a Dragon is amazing, exhilarating, and murder on the thighs. At least with the straps on the saddle, I could shift around a bit and stretch my legs without risking a fall, but Dragons don’t have first class seating, in-flight movies, or rest rooms. We stopped about every two hours for a few minutes of rest, a privy break, and to check the map to make sure we were on the correct route. At last, Harmony dropped toward a football field-sized clearing on the upper slopes of a mountain and landed. Rose circled once to check the winds and followed her down.

  Harmony breathed out a shimmering, swirling wave of heat onto a large, flat-topped rock. The lichen and grasses touching it shriveled and smoked away. I dropped four foil-encased entrees on the rock to start warming up. Ember went for peanut butter on crackers. Miranda pulled a beer cooler out of her bag and passed around bottled water. While we got settled, Rose and Harmony went hunting.

  According to the map, the village we were looking for was half an hour’s flight away. None of us were inclined to try camping in a town full of criminals and ghosts, so staying here for the night and hitting the town in the morning was approved by consensus.

  Ember talked Miranda into
taking pictures of her doing naked fire spinning at sunset with a glorious mountain range for a backdrop. She had a part-time job as an artist’s model and wanted some new images for her portfolio. By the time they got back, the entrees were warmed up and Jake had put his coffee press into service, resulting in a thermos full of hot, black, wonderfulness.

  Ember wrapped her hands around her mug. “What do you all think is in these boxes? What could be valuable enough to pay someone for saving the world?”

  “Doesn’t matter what’s in the boxes,” I said. “It’s a McGuffin. It’s the Black Bird, the thing that drives the story forward. And we’re not paying her to save our world; we’re paying her for a spell.”

  Ember stuck her tongue out at me. “Don’t say that. We’re on a noble quest, not some damn fool errand.”

  I shrugged at her. “You should talk to some of the game designers I know. The difference between the quest for the Holy Grail and someone saying ‘bring me a cup’ is the flavor text and the number of stops involved.”

  “So, which is this?” Jake asked. “Errand or quest?”

  I raised my cup in salute. “We are out to save the world and we are riding Dragons. It’s a Big Damn Quest and we are Big Damn Heroes.”

  Ember said, “As long as she has a big damn gold question mark over her head when we get back, that’s all I care about.”

  The Dragons were back by sundown, and Harmony added one more surprise to the sights of the day. She unrolled a length of silk, folded in the middle into matching twenty-foot lengths. She hung the folded end in mid-air and drew one side of it open like a curtain. Inside, I could see a roaring fire surrounded by a rustic Chinese roadhouse the size of an aircraft hangar. We grabbed our meals and our gear and headed in.