About Time

by Danielle Torella

  I am in the little coffee shop that’s next to the library and it’s a Friday night, so it is full of people of all ages. I even notice the girls that came into the library before. I just keep my head turned and avoid any kind of contact with anyone. When my tea is ready I head over to the counter that has sugar, milk, straws and such but what I am more interested in is the honey packets. I tear open three and squeeze the liquid gold into my black tea, I even go as far as quickly sucking the remainder out of each packet before tossing them away. I look over my shoulder and when I see that no one is paying attention I grab a few and toss them in my pocket. I’ll be enjoying those later.

  I walk out of the shop and make my way next door, I retrieve my keys and unlock the front door and quickly close and lock the door behind myself. I make sure all the shutters are closed so no one assumes we are open with the lights I have on. I carry my tea with me through the book filled shelves and trace my finger along all the possibilities. I convinced Mrs. Brown to include an indie section after reading a few that I had bought online and raved about them to her and how it would be good for the authors. When I finally settle on one of the erotic novels I have been curious, but wouldn’t check out with Mrs. Brown around, because I would die of embarrassment. I carry the ab covered book to my favorite chair and I set my paper cup down on a napkin on one of the wooden side tables. I pull out the honey packets and set them down, but tear into one right away. I don’t suck it clean right away, but I nibble on it for a while, I make it last.

  I am three quarters of the way done with the book and I notice that I have emptied my tea and my honey. I hadn’t even realized it, until now when I went to reach for another. This book is intense, I must have mindlessly engulfed them, but hot damn I cannot decide if I am Team Carter or Team Gabe! Sure Carter is comfortable and reliable, but Gabe is new and sexy and he showed up with a cupcake! This Dawne Walters is killing me with this book, I swear. I set the nearly finished copy of Wait for Me down to use the restroom and shake out my nerves. As I am walking by the counter where I had left my bag there absent-mindedly and I hear a beep from my phone. I trot over and retrieve it to see a text from Josh.

  Josh: Hey want to come over?

  Odd for Josh to text and ask me to come over. Normally we set that up a few days ahead and I know how sad that sounds. I look at the time on the screen and it’s nearly 1 AM.

  Margot: It’s late Josh, what’s wrong?

  This is so unlike him. I feel a little excited, but I am nervous about this kind of behavior coming from him. Josh isn’t a spontaneous guy. He grew up in a conservative home, a lawyer mother and a district attorney father. He is in his final years of law school himself. He is very image conscience and always looks his best and speaks well. He hasn’t even introduced me to his family and I think deep down he is a little ashamed of me. I didn’t go to college, I barely finished high school and I come from a family of nothingness. He is the kind of guy who needs to pencil in every moment.

  Josh: Nothing baby, just come over.

  I sit staring at the screen, tapping my thumb over the keys, but ever so lightly not to push down on any of the buttons. Beep.

  Josh: Come on don’t be a prude, come over.

  A prude! Excuse me? I may not be the most sexual person but I am no prude!

  Margot: Fine.

  What am I doing? Maybe that book got to me more than I even know? I mean it is hot as sin and I am definitely feeling a little wobbly in the knees from it. Do I want to go over there this late? Or would I rather read who Colette chooses? This is out of the norm.

  I grab my things including the book, because I need to finish this baby and I lock up behind myself. I make the trip to Josh’s place which is in a White Collar district of the city. It takes a little bit more time to get there, considering we live in the well, less than white collar area. I pull into his open reserved spots in his parking lot and turn my headlights and engine off. I drove here with the top up, because the air has cooled slightly. I sit there and reconsider. “Maybe he’s getting it from somewhere else,” I hear Maddy’s voice in my head. What if she really wasn’t kidding? Maybe I really should make more of an effort. My phone beeps with a message:

  Maddy: Where are you? I expected to see you on the couch with a new book when I got home.

  That’s what I would have been doing to when she got home, if Josh hadn’t messaged me.

  Margot: I am over at Josh’s.

  Maddy: OMG Are you staying there tonight? ;)

  I roll my eyes.

  Margot: IDK yet. I just got here.

  Maddy: Wait did he booty call you?

  Margot: More like texted. I gotta go, I’ll see you whenever I get home.

  Josh: I can see you in your car. Come up.

  I take a steadying breath and get out of Blue Belle and make my way up his walkway. I don’t even have a chance to knock when he flings open the door and pulls me in. “Whoa, what’s going on?” I ask him.

  “What? Can’t I ask my girl to come over?” His hazel eyes are heavy looking and his auburn hair looks like it’s been through a leaf blower. His five foot eleven stature is slumped and not his typical straight posture.

  “Have you been drinking?” I ask him calmly. He doesn’t typically get drunk, but I know he goes out with his buddies for a few beers a couple nights during the week.

  He puts his hands in his pockets and nods, “Yeah, this week has been rough for classes and I am trying to study for the bar exam. I’m a little tense.”

  I step closer and I put my hands on his biceps. He’s not very muscular, but he’s fit, more of a runner’s body rather than body builder. I give them a little squeeze, “Yeah you feel tense…” Then I hear Maddy’s voice again “Make it happen.” I swallow hard and take in another step. “Do you want me to rub your shoulders?”

  His eyes meet mine and they brighten. “I would love that.” Before we walk over to his sofa he tells me “You know I just had the floors redone, shoes off please Margot.” I slip off my Converse and follow him to the sofa. He sits sideways on the cushion and I sit behind him. He stretches out his neck and I place my hands on his shoulders. I start with gentle pressure and gradually start to knead the firm tissue below my fingertips. I can hear and feel him take in and release a stress filled breath and that’s my cue to try.

  I reach forward as I sit behind him to the top button of his shirt and deftly unbutton it. Then I move to the second and third. Finally I reach into his shirt and grip his pectoral muscles and back up to his shoulders. “That’s nice,” He tells me looking over his exposed shoulder at me. I just offer a tight smile and nod. What do you say back at that?

  He turns to face me more directly, “What’s wrong Margot?”

  “Nothing. I’m fine. I just want to make sure I am helping you relax.” I fold my hands into my lap, not sure what to do with them now. It was easier when he wasn’t looking at me.

  “No offense but you look like the one who needs to relax,” He tells me. Standing he goes to his kitchen and retrieves two bottles of beer, not your everyday Labatt’s, no he has European lager or stout, whatever you would call it. I watch him pad back to me, with his shirt open and his toned chest screaming at me. I feel a slight familiar clench in my lower belly. He snaps the top off and tosses it on the garbage can across the room and hands me the bottle. I am not a big drinker and he knows this.

  I take the bottle and just hold it in my lap while he sits back down. Why do I always feel so awkward with him? When we are in a group setting I am fine, but then again the focus is usually on someone else. This one on one gets me hung up.

  Josh holds up his bottle for a toast and I follow suit, raising mine as well, “To finals and passing the bar.” I smile and clink my bottle to his. He takes a long sip while holding the neck of the bottle between his fingers. “Aren’t you going to drink that?” He asks me.

  I shrug and try to act casual, “I have to drive home later.”

  Josh leans in, “Who says you’re go
ing home tonight?” His mouth is nearly touching mine as he whispers his response, one that makes me drop my bottle. “Shit!” Josh jumps up, this is a new Persian rug! My mother had this shipped in!”

  I quickly stand and rush to the broom closet for cleaning supplies and rush back and drop to my knees to start cleaning it. Why am I such a klutz? Why is it so hard for me to get turned on and to be sensual?

  I spray some cleaner on the spot where the beer spilt and I sop it up with a cloth and dab and clean the spot and you can’t even tell by the time I am done that anything had happened to it. While cleaning up after my mess I don’t look at Josh. I don’t, no, can’t stand to see the look of disappointment in his eyes … which happens more times than you’d think.

  I put away the supplies and go back to Josh who is now in the other room watching TV. “I’m sorry about the spill, but it’s all taken care of and you can’t even tell.”

  He barely looks over his shoulder when he tells me, “You know what? I’m exhausted, I think you should go so I can get some rest.”

  My heart sinks to the floor as our night has been once again ruined by one of my mistakes. “Okay, well are we still on for Sunday brunch?” I ask him, mentally remembering that we had scheduled the time to be together. As usual.

  “Yeah sure.”

  I bow my head and turn to the door way, “I’ll let myself out then. I hope you get some rest. I really am sorry again Josh.”

  He doesn’t say a word, but keeps looking at the TV screen. I wasn’t even there for more than a half hour and he asked me to go, I think that’s a new record.

  I go to leave the modern posh condo building to find that it is down pouring. Now I really am glad that I didn’t leave my top down. At least that’s one thing I did right this evening. I have an umbrella, but it’s in the car of course I have to make a mad dash to the car and unlock the door and jump in. It is really coming down so I wait a few minutes to see if it will calm down. After about five minutes it starts to lighten up so I start the car. I look up at Josh’s window and I see that his bedroom light is still on and he stops in front of the window and I notice that he is on the phone, odd considering he asked me to leave, because he was so tired. It’s probably someone from class or something.

  I can understand the need or want for control. After years of not having it or any reliability it’s nice to know what and when something is going to happen. That’s what I have been doing since I turned eighteen. I would even schedule my hair trims a month in advance. I would never just go out to a party or go out and do anything random, it honestly scares me. Not knowing what’s going to happen scares the hell out of me. So many bad things can happen when you step out to the unknown. I have made my share of mistakes and I face them every day, especially when I look in Josh’s eyes.

  I throw it in reverse and start the haul back home. As I am sitting at a long light at an intersection, I see a guy walking in the downpour with no umbrella. I can’t tell if I know him or how old he might be or look like, but that doesn’t matter. I know what it’s like to have a shit day. Feeling brave I honk my horn, when he doesn’t look I hit it a few short times. Finally getting his attention the light goes green and I pull up to the curb, lean over and roll down my window. “Here take this,” I extend the handle to my umbrella out the window so the man doesn’t have to lean in. My heart is beating a mile a minute. What am I doing? This is not like me. This guy could jump in and hurt me or kill me, anything. So why am I doing this? Do I just feel bad for him? I would want someone to lend me a hand if it were me.

  The guy, well at least I am assuming it’s a man, he is tall and wearing a large hood and when I look closer he has on black boots. My legs are tingling and I think my adrenalin is spiking. I start to reconsider. The figure seems to be hesitant also, but he finally moves in a little closer and leans down to look in. It’s dark, like really dark out and I can’t see any of his features under his hood. A large hand slowly reaches for the handle of the umbrella and he nods and takes it slowly. “Thank you,” He says and his voice gives me the chills, but not in a bad way.

  “No problem,” I whisper, I hope he heard me because I don’t think I could say another word.

  “Is there a way I can get it back to you?”

  I shake my head no, “Keep it.”

  He holds up the umbrella and opens it and nods again. At that moment I consider offering him a ride, but my nerves get the best of me and I take my foot off the brake and start to roll forward slowly and when I go to throw it in gear I grind it instead. I can feel my face go hot from embarrassment. Once I finally get it right I drive off and I look back at the figure holding my umbrella and he has one hand up as if waving.

  It takes me a minute to compose myself after everything that has happened tonight before heading upstairs. Maddy is going to be all over me. I turn on the interior light and look at myself in the mirror. I am a mix of flush and pink cheeks. Why am I acting or feeling this way? And what’s wrong with me for even stopping for a stranger. Stupid is what it is.

  I shake it off and head upstairs. When I walk through the door just as I had figured, Maddy is toe to toe with me, “What are you doing home? I thought you were at Josh’s?”

  “He was tired so I left,” I start to explain and I don’t want to tell any more than that.

  She puckers her lips, “Huh, I thought for sure you would have stayed the night, considering he booty called you.”

  “It wasn’t a booty call Maddy. I’m not really sure what it was. Either way I came home and now I am the tired one.” I pat my bag and remember I have a book waiting to be finished in there. Suddenly I am feeling much better and happy to be home. “I’ll be in my room.” I walk past her and she silently watches me pass by, even though she doesn’t move her head, I can feel her eyes on me.

  “Why are you soaking wet? Why didn’t you use the umbrella?”

  Uh oh, “I didn’t even think about it honestly. I just wanted to get inside,” I try to act casual. I am not going to tell her about strange guy on the street who I pulled over for and gave away my big umbrella.

  I can afford to stay up late tonight, because tomorrow is Saturday and the library won’t open till later and will close earlier. I drop my sopping wet plaid shirt in my hamper and shimmy out of my shorts and panties, which are sticking to me from all the wetness on them and my skin. I unhook my bra and grab a towel and cross the hall to the one and only bathroom. I turn on the shower and hang up the towel. I climb in and let the stress fall from me. I close my eyes and let the light stream wash over my face. I can’t help but think about the way Josh looked at me, like he wanted me and then the next he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. He says he cares for me deeply, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m a mess he feels the need to clean up, like I had to do tonight after making a mess on his rug. Who did he call after I left and why? I scrub at my face just to wash it all off and out of me, I need to try and wash the negative thoughts from my mind. I have always assumed the worst and I can’t do that anymore, I don’t need to do that anymore. I am in control. I keep repeating that to myself, making it my mantra. If I can keep him somewhat happy, then I have nothing to worry about right?

  After I wash up and I rinse off I think about that guy in the rain. Why was he out there? Didn’t he have a car? Why didn’t he call someone for a ride? And now I need to buy another umbrella. Climbing out I towel dry my hair and wrap the towel around myself again and look out the door to make sure Maddy wasn’t standing there waiting for me, to ask me more questions. Once I saw that the coast was clear I took two large strides back into my room and close the door quietly. I go to my dresser and pull out an oversized night shirt and a pair of sleep shorts. I take my hair brush and untangle my long wavy hair and pull it into a braid.

  I grab my bag and pull out the book with the cutest guy on the cover and climb up on my bed and only cover myself with the sheet. I let the words cover me like a warm blanket and take me deeper into the world the author created. Befor
e I know it my mouth is hanging open and I want to throw the book at what happens at the end. My skin is hot and my legs are tingly again. I want to cry and scream at the people in the book. I can’t even fathom what just happened. Normally reading a book at this hour will make me tired enough to sleep, but no, not this one. I am now wide awake. I could grab another book, but I am not ready to move on from this one just yet. So I decide to go grab something to eat from the kitchen. I assume Maddy is fast asleep by now.

  I reach the kitchen and everything is off, just as I figured so I open the fridge and pull out some cheese and grab the bread. I make myself my comfort food, grilled cheese. I butter the bread and heat up the pan on the stove and let it melt the cheese. I grab an iced tea from the fridge and set the plate and bottle on the little café table by the single window in the eat-in kitchen. I look out the window and see down to the street and it’s illuminated by a street light and I see that it has stopped raining. Cars are parked and there is no one out right now. I look at the clock on the microwave and see that it’s nearly three-thirty in the morning, people will be getting ready to start their weekend pretty soon. What am I doing besides working at the library? Working at the diner Saturday night and Sunday late afternoon, after having brunch with Josh. Which I hope that what happened tonight doesn’t come up.

  I finish my sandwich and put my plate in the sink, I’ll wash it tomorrow. I don’t feel at all tired yet. I feel antsy and need to do something with myself. So I start to pull out my baking materials. I bake often, but mostly take the goods to the library to share and Mrs. Brown loves it when I do. But I don’t leave much here when I am done seeing as Maddy is too weight obsessed and won’t even taste a dab of frosting, but yet she will down a huge bowl of Ramen noodles. Although she does like my pies, especially pumpkin. Normally I like to do cookies, because they save well and can freeze nicely. Once I have my basics out I have to decide what I want to make. I look around and see that I have a couple bananas on the way out, so I decide on banana bread.