About Time

by Danielle Torella

  I can feel Fancy lean in, “So do you. You have me and you are starting at the bakery tomorrow if you are still up to it.” I turn to face her and nod. She touches her forehead to mine and grabs my shoulders, “Good, because I need you. A lot of people love you Margot whether you believe it or not.”

  “That’s right,” Lacey says.

  “Damn straight,” Living Dread fist bumps me. Tears prickle my eyes and they all tell me no more tears, but I assure them that these are happy tears. I am so grateful for these girls in my life.

  Things go better than I thought they would for my first day at the bakery. Fancy had me there at the crack of dawn and it felt amazing. She had even gotten me my own mug and a box of tea. She lets me go home after her daughter gets in from after school. It must be cool to have a mom who owns her own shop and to have this as an after school job. I have to wonder what my own mother would have done for a living or taken interest in. Do I want to find them? I don’t think I do. I will always wonder of course, but I don’t want to find the people who put me through this life. I can only hope and assume that in their hearts they believed that I would be placed in a good home.

  Not wanting to take any further advantage of Fancy and her home, I decide to gather up all my dirty laundry and head to the Laundromat after I get out of the bakery. Maybe a cup of tea on the way and a book will be a nice time to relax and try to take my mind off of recent events.

  There isn’t anyone at the small Laundromat that I found in the area, I had stopped and gotten a cup of plain iced tea and after I get my clothes in the washer I sit down in a semi comfortable looking chair and grab my book. No one comes in for a while until I am putting my stuff in the dryer. I don’t look to see who it might be, because it doesn’t matter. I throw in a dryer sheet and close the large round glass door and put in three quarters and select the high setting. When I go to head back to my seat where I left my tea and book I find green eyes standing in the doorway.

  “Hi,” Derrek says with one hand in his pocket and the other has a sack of clothes over his shoulder. His voice is steady and soft. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days and I can relate.

  “Um, hi.” I whisper out. I thought I spoke louder but I couldn’t find my voice. I’m shocked to see him here of all places. He hasn’t even tried to call me or find me, to see how I was doing. I don’t know if I’m hurt, sad or relieved by that fact. I don’t move. I glance over at my spot and then back to him.

  He steps to the side, “Oh, sorry.” He looks to the location my eyes flitted to. “I can go if this makes you uncomfortable?”

  I hug my body with my arms and bite my lip. He drops this sack and steps over to me. I stay put and don’t falter. He stops inches from me, but doesn’t touch me. He takes in a deep breath and runs an aggravated hand through his untamed hair of his and squeezes his eyes shut. I can feel a warm tear start to build in my eye and I try to force it back. I honestly feel more embarrassed that hurt at this point. He had to hear how horrible of a person I am from Josh. I led him on the other night at his house, I should have just been honest. But how do you tell the man you are falling for that you slept with a grown man and then to get pregnant by him?

  “No, you can stay,” I crack my voice.

  He steps past me and I nearly drop to my knees. I turn to watch him load a washer and pour his detergent into the large silver machine. I close my eyes and go back to my spot. He comes back over to me and he has something in his hand, “Did you use that washer?”

  I nod my head yes.

  He looks down and then through his long lashes he can’t help but hide a sly smile and that makes me feel a pang in my heart. I love that look on his face, but why was I getting it now? He opens his hand and when I look, I find a pair of my lavender colored lace panties. My hands shoot to my face and I turn pink. I hold my hand out for him to give them to me, but when I don’t feel him present them to me, I open my eyes to find him gripping them with his fist under his chin. I feel a tight sensation at my core and I feel like I need to wash the panties I am wearing now, from the moisture I just filled them with. He is holding them right to his face, just an inch to his lips. I lose my breath and bite my lip when I see a twitch in his shorts.

  “Can I have them back please?”

  He slowly shakes his head no. I stand to take them from him, but he reaches back and puts them in his back pocket. I cross my arms over my chest and his eyes land on my breasts. I take in a deep breathe causing them to rise and fall. I do something that I didn’t think I would ever do since I was a little girl, but I actually stomp my foot and hold my hand out. He walks away. “What are you doing? Those are mine!” I follow him in anger now.

  He stops back at the suds filled washer, I go to grab them from his pocket, but her grabs my waist and turns me so my back side is up against one of the tables set for folding clean clothes. Why am I so pissed off? I feel like I need to hit something or someone. I have felt sad for so many years and guilt ridden, but never angry like I am. I shove his chest and he barely moves let alone step back. I start to beat on his chest and hot anger filled tears start to spill over my cheeks. He doesn’t move or say anything, he just lets me abuse him, which is so wrong. I know what abuse, real abuse feels like and he doesn’t deserve any of this from me. “Why are you here?” I scream at him. There can’t be a big enough of a coincidence that he is here at the same time as me. He owns a freaking house, I am sure he has a washer and dryer.

  “I am here for you.”

  “Why?” I try to push him back once more, but fall week and slump into his chest instead.

  “Because I love you and even though you won’t admit it, you need me. But not nearly as much as I need you Honey Bee.” His voice is calm and steady. His hand reaches up to my face and wipes away my tear struck cheek.

  I begin to sob, “How can you love someone so broken and bruised? I am spoiled goods Derrek! You heard what I did!”

  My dryer beeps informing me that my stuff is done. He steps away and grabs my basket, glides to the dryer and empties it into my basket and sets it down. His washer is done and he throws all his wet clothes into his sack and picks up both of our things and walks out the door. Stunned and confused he comes back in and pulls me out to his car. “We need to talk and this isn’t the place.”

  I am thankful for Fancy telling me where she knew Margot would be going today. She didn’t know what Laundromat, but I was determined to go to each and every fucking one until I found her. When I saw her at practice the other night, when I snuck in just to see her I knew I couldn’t let her see me. I didn’t want to throw her off her game. She needed an outlet and I’m glad the girls of the NC Hammers could be there for her. But it was time to fight for her. I am too afraid of her walking out of my life forever.

  When I finally found her blue Cabriolet in that lot I knew I had to do everything I could. Now that I have her in my car we have to be alone for her to finally open up and I won’t let her leave until I know everything, but if she does decide to leave after all of this then I will be nothing from this point on. She is everything to me.

  I drive as fast as I can to my house and I don’t say anything until I know we can really get into it. She was so pissed in there, but I know it’s a new emotion for her. She is still battling with whatever happened when she was a kid and teenager. I look over at her and she is looking out the window, fidgeting with her hands in her lap. As soon as we pull in I jump out and open her door, before she can even step out I pull her into my arms and I carry her into my house. She doesn’t fight me and that worries me.

  I don’t want her to shut down now.

  I take her to my bed. I set her up against the headboards and I slowly take off her shoes. I want her to be comfortable and honestly if her shoes are off then she can’t run away that fast.

  I climb up next to her and I take her hands in mine. Her nails are panted a light pink color and her tone is pale. I look her in the eyes and they are glossed over from the tears she shed earlier a
nd looks like they might begin again. I wait for her to speak, she needs to do this on her own, I can’t force her.

  After a while I see tears start to form, but she doesn’t cry. But she starts to talk.

  “I was fifteen.” She stops and closes her eyes. “I was in a foster home, one that I was happy in for the first time in a long time.”

  “The family you told me about before?” I recall our conversation while on the dock.

  “Yeah, the same one. The husband was a great foster father to me and the other kids, but him and his wife still wanted kids of their own. He confided in me that they couldn’t have any of their own and couldn’t afford to adopt. So that’s why they did the foster thing. But he told me that it killed his wife when any of the kids left. He never hurt me. He was always kind and helped me with my homework and in return I was a set of ears that he could rely on. I was there for him as he was for me. I didn’t think of him as a father, I couldn’t think of anyone like that, I had no parents and I never would. He was an older friend. He never hurt any of the kids, ever. One night his wife Patricia was out of town visiting her sister and he took us kids camping…”

  “I thought you enjoyed camping?” I am confused, if she loved camping and it was a happy memory then why is she about to tell me that he raped her while on one of the trips? I clench my jaw and grit my teeth. I already want to find this guy.

  She smiles a small smile and that calms me slightly, but why is she smiling?

  “The other kids were asleep in the kid tent and I being the oldest, got to stay up and hang out by the fire. Jonathan and I sat in silence for some time. I knew he was upset about something. I moved closer to him and I asked him what was wrong. He didn’t want to talk about it, but he started drinking a little heavily that night, which was odd for him. I tried to get him to talk it out like we had so many times in the past, but when he put his hand on my leg I wasn’t afraid or sickened like I always had in the past.” She stops talking and looks away.

  “Margot?” I pull at her chin with my index finger to get her to look at me, “I’m not here to judge you. I just need to understand.”

  He struggles taking in a deep breath and when she is able she starts again, “I kissed him.”

  “What?” I ask shocked and hurt in an odd way.

  “I wanted to help him and I didn’t know what else to do. I was going for his cheek, but he turned and caught it on the mouth instead. He pulled back and waited for me to run, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to help him. He had been there for me so many times. He gave me a happy home for a short time, but it was my only happy home. I felt like I needed to make it up to him.”

  “To repay him…” Now it makes sense on why she felt the need to offer to repay me in that way when she came here the first night. I feel sick and sad.

  She nods, “Exactly. I led him to his tent and… well you get the idea. It wasn’t the dad who had hurt me, but the other kid, because he knew what was going on and he knew that he could hold this over me, just like Josh does today. He used me, that’s all I am ever good for, to be used.”

  Her eyes drop from mine and she starts to get up off the bed. I pull on her hand and beg her with my eyes not to leave, not after just starting to well, start.

  “Don’t go.”

  With her back to me now as she sits back down on the bed, she stays like that until she begins again, “I later found out I was pregnant and I didn’t admit that it was his. He knew it was his and offered to take care of everything, to leave his wife. I couldn’t let him do that. I considered an abortion, but I couldn’t do that either. So, I asked to leave that home. When I was taken out I went to a home with other girls in my situation.”

  “You had the baby?” I had to ask, I need to know.

  She wraps her arms around her stomach and her head drops to her chest. I shift on the bed so I’m sitting behind her. I rub her back lightly, “I did. I gave it up for adoption. Just like my parents did. They were young and stupid and I followed in their footsteps. Like mother like daughter I always said.” Her voice clipped and hurt.

  “No, you’re not. You tried to help someone, who should have known better to take advantage of a young woman like you.”

  “Doesn’t matter. So I went to the home and I had the baby.”

  “What happened to it?” I ask.

  “Her!” She snaps at me, turning her head to face me. “I had a daughter and I gave her up. You don’t need to know anything more than that. I need to go. I can’t do this anymore.”

  “No! You don’t get to do this to me!” I growl at her.

  She stand right up and grabs her shoes, “You don’t get to do this to me. I shouldn’t have even told you that much. There’s too much on the line if you know this or that much.”

  She starts for the hallway and once she is just in the kitchen area, I run down the hall and throw her to the couch. A little forced, but I need her to understand that I am here for the long haul, no matter what the details are. “You can trust me!” She looks up at me as I have her pinned on her back to my black leather couch. Her eyes wide, I now feel like a stupid fuck for scaring her. “I’m sorry,” I apologize and I lean own and rest my forehead on hers. “I love you. Please don’t walk out on me like this.”

  She closes her eyes. And puts her hands on my chest, “I knew they were on the adoption waiting list for hopeful families to adopt, but most people wanted compensation…”

  “To pay for their babies.” I bluntly put it, because I knew she couldn’t.

  “Yes. So I asked that they get my baby…his baby.”

  “Wait, so you gave the baby to him and his wife and she didn’t have any problem with the fact that she was taking in a baby that came from her husband’s infidelity with a teenager?” This is so fucked up. But this is her reality and I need to know all of it. I pull back giving her space to sit up. She brings her knees to her chest and hugs them. I want to be the one hugging her right now, but would it be too much?

  “We decided not to let her know that information. I told the adoption agency that I didn’t know who the father was, but knew of the home and family I wanted her to go to. To this day she doesn’t know it’s his or mine.”

  “Have you seen her since?”

  She shakes her head no and just when I think she might break down again she heaves in a deep breath and stretches her back and neck out. It nearly looks like a weight has just been lifted off her shoulders. Did she really not talk about any of this with anyone but that asshole ex of hers? “Do you want to have children?” I need to ask her. Nodding she confirms the answer I was hoping for. I want more than anything to marry her and have babies with her. Sooner rather than later. She is chewing on her lip, I use my thumb to release it and pull her into a tight hug, “You will have more amazing babies and you will be the most beautiful and perfect mom.” I resist the urge to replace you with we, in fear it will be too much.

  She takes in a deep breath and rests her head on my chest, “I hope so.”

  After a moment I break the silence that had comfortably fallen over us, “So, why didn’t you tell me before?”

  “Because it’s a horrible situation and I couldn’t risk anyone else finding out and telling her.” She looks worried again. “Josh has been holding over my head for years. Threatening to tell her if I didn’t do something to please him.”

  My jaw clenches as do my fists. “Fucker…I knew I should have just finished him…”

  Her head snaps up and her eyes go wide, “What?”

  I turn my head away and bite my tongue, even though it’s a little late to do that now. “I went after him after what had happened and you left. I drove around until I found him at your old place.”

  “With Maddy of course,” She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “I really am not surprised, she is a gold digging…”

  “Whore.”

  She cracks a little smile, “Yes. What happened?” She asks worried.

  “I went in and I found them…together and went afte
r him. After some poorly chosen words I laid into him and she called the cops. Spent a handful of hours in jail…”

  “Oh my god! You got arrested?” Her hands shoot back to my chest and she looks upset, which isn’t what I wanted to cause.

  I lightly grasp onto her wrists and lean in to look her deep in the eye, “I would kill for you Honey Bee. He is scum and he deserved it. I was fine and I got bailed out.”

  “Who bailed you out?”

  “Justin,” I tell her and her jaw drops open. “I know I was just as surprised. You know he cares a lot about you.”

  She looks away, “Yeah, I know but I told him I didn’t care for him more than a friend…”

  “Oh he is well aware of that and it stings him big time. But he understands, so don’t feel bad about that.” I assure her. I don’t want her feeling guilty about anything else. “Now how can you be sure that Josh doesn’t contact the family?”

  With a shrug of her shoulders, “I don’t. I can only hope that he doesn’t, but at the same time I just wish it was all out in the open so I don’t have to live in fear of breaking up a family.”

  I understand now, she doesn’t want to be the reason a happy family gets torn apart. Not when she never had one to begin with. “I get it. So what can I do to help you?”

  “You have already helped me by letting me tell you the whole story, without judging me or walking away.” Her eyes a bit brighter and her breaths are deeper. She has a touch of a smile on her gorgeous lips.

  I can’t contain myself any longer, I need to feel those lips on mine again, if I don’t I will explode. I lean in slowly, not to startle her. I look her in her piercing light blue eyes and push her hair from her shoulder, exposing her perfectly smooth sun kissed skin. When my fingertips lightly graze her collarbone I see a prickling of goose-bumps trail with my touch. Her breathing catches and her eyelids flutter. I wait to see if she is going to pull away, but when she doesn’t I take my time kissing from her jaw, to her chin and then cheek. She turns her head and catches my kiss with her lips and my head begins to spin. She moves to her knees on the couch and her arms go around my neck and mine are around her waist. Both of our breathing is ragged and hitched, both of us needing one another and finally realizing it is surreal. She is here and she wants me just as much as I need her.