He leaned back and looked at Julie “You were with the DA’s office what eight years? Did you ever hear of Castilani?”
“Oh yes He was on Dan’s hit list when I was there I remember when he was killed He was shot in front of one of his restaurants It was said to be a robbery, but no one really believed it.”
Ryan read all the stones, then printed them out He searched for “drugs,” then started to read those stones His hands moved swiftly over the keys Julie had just opened another door, and the room was oddly familiar. He occasionally had to ask a question of Julie, but the steps quickly fell into place.
He probably would have stayed there all night, searching the computer for one thing, then another, but he suddenly realized how late it was.
“I should go,” he said, suddenly standing “You must be ured ”
As he moved, his foot caught the edge of the stick of the sign. It started to totter, and he caught it. The face of the sign turned toward him, and he read it He felt the color fade from his face as he turned toward Julie
“When did you find this?”
She gazed directly into his eyes. “Yesterday morning.”
“What else haven’t you told me?” He heard the harshness in his own voice, the anger
She seemed to flinch for a moment, then stood taller, straighter. “A few phone calls.”
“And now the petition,” he said, “Anything else?”
Her eyes didn’t waver “No,” she said.
“Dammit,” he said, turning away from her. One of his fists slammed against a wall
Then he felt her hand on his arm. It burned down to his core
“I have to move,” he said. “I can’t live here any longer”
“No.”
He turned
Her face was set. “No one,” she said, “no one is going to tell me what to do, particularly those who don’t have the courage to say it to my face ”
“Your son..?”
“I want my son to stand up for what’s right,” she said “I want him to have courage and loyalty. I don’t want him to cut and run if someone says ‘boo.’” Her lips trembled for a moment. “I did that once. I cut and ran because I couldn’t face what people said. I’ve been hiding these past few years, afraid I would make another mistake, afraid to trust.”
“What if you have made a mistake?” he asked roughly. “What if you should be afraid to trust?”
“Then I’ll do what you’re doing I’ll get up and dust myself off and attack the world again ” He saw a tiny muscle move in her cheek. “I won’t hide again Not ever. And I won’t let cowards intimidate me.”
Her gray eyes smoldered. Color had rushed into her cheeks. She looked like some warrior queen She looked...beautiful
He couldn’t help himself. His hand went up, touched her face, tracing it, memorizing every delicate curve. She was so damn stubborn. So...gallant.
All the loneliness he’d known, all the need he’d felt these past few days, cracked open the walls he’d tried so damned hard to build. He reached for her, and she came willingly into his arms, her body nestling against his Even as she leaned into him, his emotions warred with each other—elation at discovering more skills, hope at the growing possibility that he might have been innocent, fear that his past was still ruled by demons he didn’t understand.
“Julie,” he muttered raggedly and she lifted her eyes to him, looking at him as if he were the finest man in the world. His body ached for her, but even more compelling was the need to hold her, to touch, to care Dammit, to live
And now he did feel alive Electrically alive Light glowed bright inside him. Tenderness fought with a hunger that made him want to possess her.
His fingers stroked the side of her neck in gentle movements, and he felt her pulse quicken, her body move further into his. He felt her tremble, and he sheltered her in his arms.
The searing heat of their bodies radiated between them, melding them into one. His lips hungrily traced the lines of her cheek, then her neck before seeking her mouth. Piercing streaks of raw need thundered through him. Not just lust He could handle that What he couldn’t control was the yearning deep inside to touch, to possess, to...love.
His lips reached hers, moving lazily at first, touching with a featherlike gentleness despite the explosiveness of his own body. He wanted to prolong every moment, every exquisitely painful moment of exploration He deepened the kiss, feeling her response Her body snuggled even more tightly into his, and her arms clung around his neck, her fingertips pressing into flesh
Locked together by her arms, his hands moved from her neck and instinctively began to massage her back in slow movements even as she inched closer into him, their clothes presenting little barrier to the intensity of sensations building in him. As his hands pressed her hips up and tighter against him, she started to move, her body undulating in slow, sensuous movements that made him want to explode His kiss became greedy, his tongue teasing and seducing and promising. ...
Tremors shook Julie’s body. A hot desire—so intense she could hardly bear it—burned out of control in the very core of her, and she found herself doing things she’d never done before, had never thought of doing. It was as if her body had taken on a life of its own, reacting in wanton ways foreign to the Julie Farrell she thought she knew. She didn’t care She only wanted more, more of the feelings and sensations and emotions that shimmered between them. Desire spread throughout her like a hot summer’s sun pooling golden rays on a favored spot, the circle growing wider and warmer, the living things reaching up greedily for its life-giving power. She felt consumed by the glow of light, the warmth that filled her so completely she wondered how she’d ever survived without it.
His hands were touching everywhere, igniting increasingly urgent sensations She heard her own soft moan, the cry of her body—or was it her soul—to mate with him.
The friction of their clothed bodies was no longer enough. She was consumed with wanting and feeling, the anticipation of something even greater making her writhe inside “Ryan,” she whispered, knowing it was more a gasp than a word.
His lips left her mouth, moved to her ear, where he nibbled on it, his breath sending shivers of pleasure through her His feathering kisses moved to her neck, to the pulse at her throat, and she thrust her head up, her eyes misting as she felt the tenderness in each caress, the tethered need in each touch. She felt his body shudder with restraint even as its rigidity radiated his passion
She moved her hands from around his neck, one of them finding his She brought it to her mouth, her tongue licking the calluses, tasting the saltiness of his skin. She wanted to give him everything—laughter, sweetness and joy. She wanted to watch him smile She wanted to erase the look of haunting loneliness she sometimes saw in his eyes
She lowered his hand and, slipping her fingers through his, she wordlessly led him from the office. She stopped at Nick’s room and looked in. He was asleep She closed the door
Then they moved to her bedroom, closing, then locking the door quietly behind them.
She turned on a night-light. Its soft glow gave them just enough light to see each other. His dark eyes fairly blazed with the flames she felt in her own body. Her hand reached up and touched the corner of his mouth, the side that had that particular quirk, then her fingers traced the lines of his face, the strong lines that seldom broke for a smile. She loved the harsh features. She loved .
Dear God, she loved him.
Her fingers faltered, but she was lost in those eyes of his, in the steady intensity with which they probed her. “Are you sure, Julie Farrell?”
Her name was a melody on his lips. A multitextured song. He lingered over it, as if reluctant to let it go.
In answer, she stood on tiptoe and put her lips to his as her hands did what his had done moments before, slowly, sensuously, moving up and down his body, hesitating at the belt of his jeans. She felt the hardness of his arousal, the sudden unsteadiness of his hands on her shoulders. Then he cru
shed her to him, his voice whispering endearments between kisses.
She felt his hands pulling at her sweater. She obediently lifted her arms so he could pull it up. Their eyes met. His serious, searching. Hers glazed with tears at the enormity of her feelings Slowly, his hands undid her bra, letting it fall to the floor. Then his hands were touching everywhere, caressing, stroking. His lips followed in the wake of his hands, and every vital organ, including her heart, seemed to turn to melted chocolate. Heat from his body scorched her even as his hands loved her. Her arousal grew irresistibly as his mouth touched the skin over her heart, then moved down to cover a breast, his tongue dancing around and over the nipple until she thought she would cry out with the pain and pleasure of it
She found her own hands unbuttoning his shirt, then the two of them were unzipping each other’s jeans With a naturalness that confounded her, they stepped out of them and, unfettered by clothes, their bodies met in a primitive mating game, arching and twisting and filling until they both were on fire.
She felt him lift her, his mouth fastening on hers, and their tongues met. Hers became as eager as his, and shivers of pleasure rolled through her body even as her heart hammered against her rib cage He gently laid her on the bed and stretched over her, his body balanced on his arm as he looked at her.
He was waiting again for a sign, and she gave it to him Her hands touched his chest, playing with the pattern of his muscles, with the arrow of hair that ran down toward his arousal Her heart was a bass drum now, as he lowered himself. His hands went under her hips and she felt him tease her gently, even as she felt his every muscle tense in the effort. Then he lowered himself and she felt him probe, then enter slowly, sliding in and out until she was moist with wanting.
Her breath stopped as she seemed to step into another universe This one was all sensation, all emotion. He moved deeper and deeper into her with slow, sensuous strokes as if savoring—and memorizing—every step along this amazing, miraculous voyage of pure wonder. He slowed suddenly, his movements becoming more deliberate, prolonging the exquisite pain of expectation, of fulfillment. He exploited every feeling, every sensation, and then reached even deeper as if he wanted to touch her very soul. Her body moved to the rhythm of his in a sensuous dance that grew in intensity and tempo until she felt she was rocketing through the skies Her legs went around his, bringing him even further into her, as her body built to a crescendo of sensation that exploded into a nova of white hot splendor.
She cried out, then she felt him pull out, felt the hot burst of his completion against her skin, and she knew he was thinking of her, even as she had thought of nothing but the wondrous feelings her body was experiencing. He rolled next to her, pulling her to him, his hands still wandering gently over her body as if he didn’t really believe he was here
She took his hand, winding her fingers through his His fingers tightened around hers as if she were going to disappear into thin air. She put her head near his heart, and she felt its accelerated beating.
“I should ***have...gotten something,” he said “I didn’t. .never could I have thought...imagined.”
The fingers of her free hand touched his mouth, stopping his explanation Her body was glowing, still quaking with aftershocks from their coupling. The urgency had faded, but a quiet contented feeling of completion, of belonging, of joy lingered. She had never known love could feel like this. Douglas had simply taken He’d never waited until she had found pleasure
Then the insidious thought came Had Ryan been like this with Mary Elizabeth? Had practice or instinct made him such a thoughtful and loving man?
Practice or instinct?
She lay there, listening to his heart, to his breathing, to her own breath intermingled with his She wondered what he was thinking. Feeling.
Ryan treasured each second, each moment he held her, his hand locked with hers, her head lying so trustfully on his chest. One of his arms curved behind her, cradling her Tenderness—or was it love—filled him, forcing him to realize how totally alone, and empty, he had been
He wanted to keep her there forever. He wanted to make love to her again and again, and feel her reach for him
But it was impossible, and no one knew it better than he. This was a terrible mistake, and yet he couldn’t move, couldn’t take his hand away. He memorized the honeyed sensation of her head lying on his heart, her body leaning into his
The scent of sex wrapped itself around them, perfuming the air. He felt himself growing hard again, but he couldn’t react to it. It had taken every fiber of his strength, his control, to pull away from her, but he knew the danger of pregnancy God help him, he hoped there were no other dangers Had anything happened to him in prison? Surely, he would have been told if he’d carried anything away from it.
But pregnancy was bad enough. He couldn’t begin to imagine what his daughter had gone through because of him. How could he, an exconvict and parolee, bring another life into this world? He had taken a chance of doing just that.
The warmth seeped away, replaced by an anguished melancholy as he looked down at Julie’s face. It seemed so at peace How could it be?
He felt gutted when she smiled
He moved. “You’d better shower,” he said
“I’d rather stay here with you,” she murmured, snuggling even deeper into him
“I have to go,” he said harshly
“No.”
That stopped him How do you answer such a flat refusal? He could simply push her away.
No, he couldn’t.
She started lightly combing his chest with her fingernails and his skin started prickling Other things were happening, too. “We can’t,” he said quietly
“Why?”
“If I hadn’t stopped ..”
“I could be pregnant,” she replied with an equilibrium that was frustrating It was as if she’d sorted it all out in her mind to her satisfaction If not his.
“I won’t do that,” he said fiercely.
“Then one of us can get protection.”
“Don’t you understand, Julie?” he said, trying desperately to convince himself as well. “I don’t even know who I am,” he said bitterly. “Neither do you. As far as the world is concerned, you’ve slept with a killer. An ex-con. Nothing to take pride in. Certainly no one you would stand in front of an altar with.”
She sat up, then, and he couldn’t miss the sudden anger in her face. “I don’t think I’ve mentioned an altar. And how do you know what I take pride in?”
“It can’t be me,” he said steadily “And you’re the kind of woman men marry.”
“Really? Tell me more about myself.”
He was stunned by the fury he was just beginning to recognize “You’re much too thrusting for one thing. Dammit, I’ve already cost you heaven knows how much money. Friends Neighbors. I’m not going to take away your self-respect, too ”
She started to say something, but he stopped her with his own rush of words “What if I do get my memory back? What if I am a killer? A drug dealer? Will you always wonder whether I would revert back to type? Would you question every time I didn’t get home in time if maybe I’m selling drugs? Will you worry that I might do something to Nick, or that he would grow up to be someone like me?”
She started to reach out to him but he stood before she could touch him, before she could spin that web of magic around him and make him forget reality He found his shirt and pulled it on, then located his jeans and shorts rumpled on the floor Without looking at her, he dressed.
Finally, he turned. She was sitting up in bed, the sheet pulled around her “I’m sorry,” he said and started for the door before desire again overtook his pitifully inadequate scruples
“Ryan?”
He stopped, but he didn’t turn around
“I would take pride in you,” she said simply.
His insides twisted with a sick agony.
If only.
Chapter 15
Julie spent Tuesday going over all the
original police reports on the ten-year-old shooting and matching them with the information Jerry had produced Monday night Word for word, she reviewed each interview Jerry had with officers at the scene She looked for any inconsistencies.
She planned to drive out to the location of the shooting this afternoon She wondered whether the bar was still there, whether any of the bartenders had remained over a decade She doubted it.
She’d wasted part of the morning fending off reporters and several particularly obnoxious New York producers who wanted Ryan to appear on talk shows Their immediate interests were the petitions and the outcry of neighbors. However, as a sop to Ryan, they pledged to play up his heroism in the car accident.
In their dreams She’d stopped being polite after the third call.
Another blow came when the director of the preschool called and said they’d had several anonymous calls in the past week. The callers complained that Nick’s connection with a “known killer” placed all the children at risk. Because these callers wouldn’t give their names, the director said she gave them no credence; however, she thought Julie should know
After quelling her anger, she’d repeatedly tried to reach Mary Elizabeth Saddler to ask her to meet with Ryan, but no one answered at the Saddler home Since it was Thanksgiving week, she wondered whether the family might be on some kind of holiday.
Thanksgiving! It had crept up on her this year. It would be Murphy’s first Thanksgiving since prison. His first Thanksgiving ever, since he remembered none of the past. Dan and his wife had invited Nick and herself to dinner, but that would leave Murphy alone. She was quite sure the invitation did not include him.
So she decided to cook a Thanksgiving meal herself.
Now she had only to lure Ryan to dinner. She knew he would try to avoid her. Last night had put them in a truly difficult position. She’d known it when it happened, but she’d been no more able to avoid—or stop—those moments of magic than she’d been able to stop breathing She hadn’t even cared if she got pregnant. She hadn’t considered it, but when he’d mentioned the possibility, a tiny glow started inside her She would like another child She would like a child with his indigo blue eyes, and crook at one side of his mouth, and the barest hint of a dimple.
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