Home For Christmas

by Patricia Potter

  He went back to his apartment and stared down at the phone numbers sitting beside it. His former wife’s. He’d called yesterday and made plans to see her Sunday; she’d insisted the meeting be away from her house.

  Finally, he heard Kidder’s car leave Ryan would have left, too, but Nick was expecting him. Because of him, there was but one guest. He had no right, no matter how much he wanted to run, to disappoint the boy He picked up the two packages he’d wrapped so carefully the night before

  This time, he knocked. Julie opened the door, and he saw her cheeks were red, her eyes angry But they softened when they saw him, and especially when they went to the packages m his hand. “You didn’t have to do that”

  He felt big, and awkward. Damn, he felt like a fraud standing in the kitchen with gifts, just like any law-abiding citizen Jerry Kidder’s warning had told him only too clearly that people regarded him as a threat. He’d been lulled into thinking otherwise because of Tim’s trust, and Johnny’s acceptance, but they were clearly the exception.

  Two more weeks. He would be out of the Farrells’ lives. He could give them no greater gift.

  As Julie took the packages, she smiled, though her eyes looked embattled

  “Nick’s playing a new game on the computer,” she said “Before I call him, I wanted to ask you something.”

  “What is it?”

  “You and Nick were whispering at Thanksgiving Did he tell you what he wanted for Christmas?”

  “A puppy,” he said. It was one of two items Nick mentioned He wasn’t going to mention the other

  “I was afraid of that.”

  “You don’t want one?”

  She chewed on her lip “It’s not that. But he’ll be in school all day next year and I. well, it’s unfair to a dog. Prissy doesn’t mind being alone, but a dog ..needs attention ”

  Had he ever had a dog? A cat? He liked Prissy, who occasionally condescended to allow him to stroke her. Did he like dogs? He thought he would. He wondered whether he would go through life wondering about his likes and dislikes.

  Nick burst in then, Prissy at his heels.

  “Ryan,” he said happily and Julie raised her eyes in desperation. But Ryan stooped and gave him a hug. “I’m ready for that pizza and ice cream you promised ”

  “Me, too,” Nick said, but his eyes went covetously to the colorfully wrapped packages on the table. “Can I open them?”

  Julie shrugged. “They’re from Mr. Murphy. It’s up to him.”

  “Can I, Ryan? Can I?”

  Ryan nodded.

  Nick climbed up on a chair and took the smallest package first, shaking it carefully, before tearing off the paper. He broke into a big grin when he saw the glove and pulled it onto his small fingers.

  He then opened the other, finding the little chest protector. “Look, Mommy, just like a ’lanta Brave ” He climbed down and gave Ryan another hug. “Let’s go play catch ”

  Ryan looked up at Julie.

  “Go ahead,” she said. “I’m calling now for the pizza. It’ll take thirty minutes or so.”

  Ryan found himself trailing Nick. In one way he felt very successful. Nick obviously loved his gifts. But at the same time, he realized that in another two weeks, he would be gone. Nick would have his old friends back

  He wished he didn’t feel so empty at the thought

  As he waited in a fast food restaurant four days later for his ex-wife, Ryan thought of Nick’s birthday. It made him think of all the birthdays he’d never shared with his daughter

  How could his wife and daughter not hate him?

  Mary Elizabeth had asked that they meet away from her home, away from their daughter, and had selected an easily located waffle house Her husband had insisted on accompanying her.

  Ryan arrived early and took a booth where he could watch the door. He had not the slightest idea what she looked like other than what Julie had told him Slender. Pretty. Taffy-colored hair. He drank a cup of coffee, then another as he studied the entrance What would she tell him? What could she tell him?

  His mouth was dry when a couple hesitated at the door, then entered. He knew immediately from Julie’s description that the woman was Mary Elizabeth. Her eyes swept the interior, then she whispered something to the man with her He went to sit at the counter, while she came over to Ryan’s booth. He stood

  “Ryan?” she said uncertainly.

  How did one address an ex-wife he didn’t remember? He nodded. “Thank you for coming.”

  She was studying his face. “You haven’t changed much.”

  He didn’t have an answer to that. He couldn’t even offer a similar response.

  After a moment, she slid into the booth, and he took a seat opposite her

  “You really don’t remember, do you?” she said

  “I’m sorry.” Trite word. Inadequate word. He had lived with this woman nine years. He had made a baby with her He had hoped that on meeting her he would recognize something. Feel something. Instead, she was a stranger. A pretty stranger with wounded eyes.

  She opened her purse and took out a small pocket-size album. “Pictures of Laura. I..put one in there for every year since you went away.”

  He opened it slowly A child Nick’s size stared out at him over a birthday cake Pain ripped down his middle It was so strong he almost doubled over “She’s ..beautiful.”

  “Yes, she is,” Mary Elizabeth said softly as he slowly flipped through the other photos. He watched the child grow and ripen into a lovely young woman. In the last photo, Laura was wearing a blue evening gown, a gardenia pinned in long, straight light brown hair. She looked breathtaking One photo, about a year old, showed her on a high-school stage in a gypsy costume He noticed the name of the school on the curtain overhead

  “She’s in the tenth grade and on the honor roll,” Mary Elizabeth said. “She has a wonderful voice and is active in theater and the choir ”

  His fingers wrapped tightly around the book

  “You can keep it,” Mary Elizabeth said softly.

  “Does she know about me?”

  “Yes. She reads the papers I’ve never tried to hide the fact that her father was..”

  “In prison?” Was that broken voice his own?

  “Yes. She also knows you’re out. And why. But none of her friends do. My husband adopted her when she was eight. We sent you papers, and you signed them ”

  “She doesn’t want to see me?”

  “No. You broke her heart, Ryan You never sent her a letter or a card or a present. I pretended for a while that presents came from you, but she found one in a closet before I packaged it. She knew when she opened it that I had bought it, not you She loved you She would have forgiven you anything but forgetting about her.”

  Ryan already knew from his experience with Nick the fragility of a child’s heart. He felt now as if the life had been squeezed out of him.

  “Why did you come?”

  “Because I know you wouldn’t have done it without a good reason. I expect you thought it would be better for her in the long run. It’s just that you never explained your reasons Not to me. Not to anyone ”

  “I never said anything to you about my partner?”

  “That he might be crooked?” She was already anticipating him Because of Julie? Or something she knew?

  He nodded.

  “No. But you were especially tense those weeks before Christmas. I knew something was up. You always got that way when you were closing in on something.”

  “Julie said I took money from our account without explaining.”

  “It was yours. You always insisted I keep the money I earned as a teacher in a separate account. It just bothered me that you never explained why you were spending several hundred dollars at a time. That was a lot of money to us ”

  A waitress came and she ordered a cup of coffee and a waffle, and he did the same though he’d never felt less like eating

  “How did we meet?”

  She had pretty hazel eyes, and t
hey softened. “We had a class together, and I had a terrible crush on you You were by far the best student in the class, and one day I got the nerve to ask you to help me. We started meeting for coffee, then celebrated my birthday with dinner You would never tell me your birthday, so I made one up for you and insisted on buying you dinner. You got all quiet and serious, and I sensed you’d not had many birthday celebrations I think I fell in love with you then and there.”

  “When did we get married?”

  “After you graduated from the police academy. You called me one day and said you missed me. I had just finished college and had planned to do my practice teaching here in Macon It’s my home. But when you called, I decided to move to Atlanta instead. In three months, you asked me to marry you”

  “You weren’t happy?”

  “I was deliriously happy at first. But you were always quiet, and when you joined the police force...you seemed to draw further and further away from me. You never wanted to talk about work, and I was scared to death every time you left the house. I think you thought you were protecting me, but not knowing—imagining—is always worse than reality. I started nagging and you grew more and more distant”

  “And I never told you anything about that night.”

  “You told me your partner tried to kill you. I think you were stunned when you were arrested. Then you just broke contact with me. You refused to see me or take my calls. You returned my letters. They announced you’d confessed, and I didn’t believe it. You were more committed to that job than you were to me. But then Captain Lewis came to see me, said there was no doubt...”

  Her voice broke off.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Her husband came over then, a scowl on his face He looked at his wife “Is anything wrong?”

  Ryan could tell he was ready to do battle for her, despite the fact that Ryan had four inches and thirty pounds on him Saddler had nice features when he wasn’t frowning so fiercely, and his eyes openly adored his wife

  She smiled at her husband and there was no mistaking the warmth between them. “David, this is Ryan Murphy. Ryan, my husband, David ”

  Saddler’s scowl deepened He didn’t offer a hand “Murphy,” he acknowledged curtly.

  He was afraid Ryan sensed that immediately. Not afraid physically. Ryan sensed he would probably take on an army for his wife But afraid he would lose her.

  He slid out of the booth. It was time to go. He would have liked to stay longer, to ask more questions, but he had enough for now He knew about his daughter, he knew his former wife was happy He had done enough damage to both. He wasn’t going to cause more trouble.

  “Thank you for seeing me,” he said “I won’t bother you again ”

  “It wasn’t a bother,” she said. “Maybe. given some time Laura ..”

  He shook his head. “It’s better this way.”

  He nodded at David Saddler and left, forcing himself not to look back.

  Julie regarded the spruce in the Christmas tree lot critically

  Such decisions were exceptionally important.

  “What do you think. Nick?”

  He looked up and up and up just as he did with Ryan. Now why did she think about that? This was an escape from those thoughts

  “I like it,” Nick said after due consideration. “I bet Ryan will, too ”

  She sighed Perhaps it would be best if Ryan moved. He was all Nick talked about these days. He’d been bitterly disappointed when Ryan left early this morning. Nick had wanted him to go tree hunting with them, and had even wanted to wait for him to get back home before going She would have thought it perfectly absurd that someone could make such an impact on a young life in a matter of weeks. Yet she was no better She too had known disappointment when his car was gone this morning.

  A family, complete with father, came to investigate the tree, and she hurriedly told the salesman they would take it She waited while he chopped off some of the bottom and then hauled it to the car, sticking half of it in the trunk and securing it there.

  She selected a wreath for the door, then paid for both. When they got into the car, she inserted a Christmas tape into the cassette player.

  “After leaving the tree off, do you want to go see Santa Claus?”

  Nick wriggled with excitement. “Maybe Ryan can go with us ”

  She closed her eyes. Hopefully, Ryan would still be away She realized only too well why he felt he had to move. She knew he would probably slice off his hand before hurting Nicholas, but each time they did something meaningful together, it deepened bonds that he desperately was trying to avoid

  Maybe he would still be gone. And yet...

  Yet..

  Ryan reached his apartment in midafternoon He had mulled over the conversation with Mary Elizabeth the seventy miles home.

  How could he have done what he did to his child? How could he have cut her out of his life so heartlessly?

  He had no place to go for answers.

  Except Banyon Banyon had said they were friends. They had been partners. Had he ever said anything to him about his wife and daughter?

  Ryan took the stairs two at a time, unlocked the door and, leaving it open despite the cool temperatures, went directly to the phone and called Banyon. He had the man’s home number now, and he dialed that number.

  Banyon answered and Ryan heard the sound of a football game in the background

  “Jack. It’s Murphy.”

  “Ryan. Anything wrong, buddy?”

  “No, just...thought I could use a little company ”

  There was a silence. Then, “Sure. Where?”

  “Where did we used to go?”

  “A bar on Highland. Harry’s. I’ll pick you up.”

  Ryan hesitated. He wasn’t supposed to go into bars.

  “Don’t worry about your parole. This place only serves beer, and half its business is food. No different from any restaurant.”

  “All right I have a car, though.”

  Ryan got directions and arrived at Harry’s thirty minutes later The place looked as if it had been there fifty years and hadn’t been painted in all that time But every stool at the bar and all but one of the booths were filled. All faces were riveted toward a television hanging in a corner, probably the same football game he’d heard earlier over the phone.

  Ryan looked around for a moment, located Banyon who half stood from the booth he occupied. One empty beer bottle and one half full stood in front of him on the table. Fast drinking since they’d spoken only a half-hour earlier.

  Ryan slid into the booth and a man who looked at least one hundred years old came tottering over to ask what he wanted.

  “A cola”

  The ancient looked disbelieving, as if no one had ever made such a request before, and tottered back off.

  “Still being a good boy?”

  “Wouldn’t you? If ten years in prison depended on it?”

  Banyon regarded him quizzically. “How does it feel, being out?”

  “Better than being in.”

  Banyon chuckled. “I bet.” Then his eyes took on a gleam. “Heard you were moving. Things not working out with that woman attorney?”

  Ryan’s stomach clenched. “Where did you hear that?”

  “The police department’s interested in you, buddy. Word gets around.”

  Davidson. The information had to have come from the probation officer. The police department’s interested in you. Why? Why bother with a ten-year-old crime? And why was Banyon so ready to meet him on a moment’s notice on a Sunday afternoon?

  The detective was still waiting for an answer to his question.

  “It’s just time to leave,” he said simply.

  “Remember anything yet?”

  Banyon had asked that before. Suddenly it was very important to know why.

  “Yes,” he said.

  Banyon’s eyes narrowed. He leaned forward in his seat “What?”

  “Just flashes right now,” he said. “My wife. My daughter More an
d more things are coming back,” he lied, surprised at how easily it came. Yet Banyon’s interest intrigued him. Something told him to feed it.

  “Anything about that night?”

  “What night?”

  “The night Cates was killed,” Banyon said.

  Ryan shrugged “I’d rather talk about my wife and daughter. You said you knew my wife. Did you ever meet my daughter?”

  “Yeah. Pretty little thing. Have you talked to her?”

  Ryan shook his head. “I saw some pictures. She still has the same dark hair.” He wanted to know whether Banyon really had met Mary Elizabeth and Laura.

  “Yeah, just like yours.”

  Except Laura, according to the pictures, had light brown hair, just like her mother.

  “Not surprising since Mary has dark hair, too,” Ryan said. He held his breath. He doubted now that Banyon had ever met either his former wife or daughter Why would the detective pretend a relationship that never existed? Ryan didn’t like the only obvious answer.

  Banyon nodded. “I remember it. Real pretty lady, your wife. Any flames still there?”

  So Banyon knew about the visit this morning. He could know only if Ryan’s phone was tapped or if he’d been followed. Ryan felt cold, as if his blood had turned to ice water.

  His cold drink came He tasted it, trying to digest what Banyon had just said. Why so much interest in him? Why had his probation officer been talking to the police? Why was he being followed?

  “No,” he said softly

  “Had any since you got out?”

  Ryan knew exactly what “any” meant “No,” he lied again.

  Banyon finished his bottle and signaled for another one. “I know some women if you’re interested.”

  “Thanks but no thanks,” he said.

  Banyon shrugged. “Your loss ”

  Ryan took a sip of the tepid drink, his thoughts tumbling over each other. “Why the interest in me?”

  Banyon looked startled “What do you mean?”

  “You said the department was interested in me.”

  “Hell, you used to be one of us. It’s natural.”