by E. M. Abel
I sighed and shook my head. I was too tired to fight. At least someone’s getting laid in my bed tonight.
“What a fuckin’ douche. You have any weed?” I asked Marcus as I staggered to my kitchen to get some water.
“You know it.” He reached into his pocket to pull out a joint.
“You love me! And I love you! And we’re going to smoke weed together and have little coconut babies!” I yelled at him across the room, waving my arms in the air.
Marcus laughed and shook his head back and forth. It was totally fucking up my balance.
“Stop moving and spark that shit up,” I demanded before stumbling over to my stereo. I plugged in my phone and turned on B.O.B’s latest album. “Strange Clouds” seemed like a fitting song at the moment.
“You have got to be the funniest drunk I’ve ever known in my life.” Marcus chuckled as he lit his joint.
Luckily, weed would always help mellow me out when I was drunk. Marcus and I both leaned back on my couch, passing the joint between us, as we listened to the music.
As I took my next hit, there was a knock at my door. My heart jumped into my throat, and I started coughing on the smoke in my lungs.
“Shit! Who the hell is that?” I got out between coughs while giving Marcus the joint.
I grabbed his wrist and looked at his watch, but I couldn’t read it. The damn thing wouldn’t hold still. By this point, I was less drunk but very high. My paranoia started to kick in.
I jumped up and ran to the bathroom down the hall. I grabbed the Febreze and started spraying it all around my living room. When I almost fell over the coffee table, Marcus started laughing so hard that he buckled over, putting his head between his legs.
“Shut up! Shut up! What if it’s the cops?” I pleaded in a whisper just as I heard another knock.
Marcus was no help. His face was bright red, and he was laughing so hard that he was crying. Just looking at him made me fall into a fit of giggles, and I stood there, holding my stomach, as I tried to stop. When I started to catch my breath, there was another knock, and it was louder.
“Maybe they won’t know we’re in here. Here! Cover your face!” I threw a blanket at Marcus as he wiped the tears from his eyes.
I probably shouldn’t open the door to cops in my condition, but I made sure Marcus hid the rest of the joint before I went to check things out.
Taking a deep breath, I stood on my toes to look through the peephole. My eyes widened, and I stopped breathing. It was Jay. Talk about a buzzkill. Almost immediately, my buzz started to fade, and I could feel my nerves taking over.
I slowly turned the doorknob and cracked the door open to see Jay standing there in his tux. He had his hands in his pockets, his bow tie was undone, and his jacket was open. He looked upset, maybe even a little sad, but still incredibly sexy.
“Hey,” I murmured, looking up at him.
“Hey. Can we talk?” Jay muttered, staring at me with his piercing blue eyes.
“Who is it?” Marcus yelled from the couch.
Jay tilted his head, trying to look past me. “Do you have company?” He narrowed his eyes at me.
“Yeah, just friends. We went out for a few dicks. Drinks! I had some drinks.” Shit!
“Well, can we talk in your room?” he asked, taking a step forward.
I put my hand up to his chest, stopping him from coming in. “My brother’s eating chocolate. Can we go out to your car or something?” I hurriedly stepped out into the hallway. I stuck my head in the door, told Marcus I would be right back, and then closed the door behind me.
Jay looked confused, and he studied my eyes for a second before agreeing. He motioned for me to lead the way, and I headed toward the stairs with him following right behind me.
Don’t fall. Hold on to the railing. Hold on to the railing.
When I walked out of the front door of my building, the fresh air made me feel a little better. The black car that had picked me up on Wednesday was now sitting near the curb, and the driver was leaning against his door, smoking a cigarette. When he saw us, he started to put out his cigarette, but Jay stopped him.
“It’s okay, Sam. We need a second.”
The driver, Sam, nodded and walked onto the sidewalk with his cigarette still in his hand. Jay opened the back door of the car for me, and I slid in, looking down at my torn jeans.
Here we go.
Jay got in behind me and closed the door. With the dark tinted windows, the car felt more like a small room. I turned toward Jay, putting my knee up on the seat between us. I was still pretty drunk, but being with Jay seemed to sober me up. I just prayed I wouldn’t slur my words or make a bigger fool of myself.
We sat there in silence for a minute. I watched Jay as he stared at the seat in front of him while his hand rubbed the back of his neck.
“I’m sorry, Asia. I’ve been selfish, and I was being an asshole.” He looked over at me.
I moved my eyes down to my hands, trying to stay focused. It reminded me of the times in high school when my dad had found me drunk, and I had tried to pretend that I was sober.
“I’m just confused, Jay.” I peeked up through my lashes to see his reaction.
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m confused, too. I’ve got so much going on with work, and I think starting a relationship right now isn’t a good idea. I should have said something to you earlier, but it was just too hard. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Asia. I really do care about you. I just think the timing is all wrong. But…” He paused as he rubbed his hand over his short hair. He seemed frustrated. “I don’t want to lose you.”
I looked up at him, trying to figure out exactly what he was saying. Is he dumping me or not?
“So, what are you telling me, Jay?”
Jay’s expression changed, like he had just thought of something. His eyebrows furrowed, and his jaw clenched. “Who was in your apartment?”
I swallowed, trying to moisten my dry throat. I knew he wouldn’t take this well even though there was no reason for him to worry.
“Marcus,” I replied, glancing down at my leg. I started playing with one of the holes in my jeans, bracing myself for his reaction.
He let out a loud sigh and threw his head back on the seat, looking up at the ceiling of the car. “So, was this your way of getting back at me? Getting drunk and high with your bad-boy friend?”
Hold up. What? Is he really trying to turn things around on me? I narrowed my eyes and shook my head. “No, you have it all wrong. I was getting drunk and high, so I didn’t have to think about how fucking pissed and hurt I am! Nothing is going on between Marcus and me.” My blood was boiling. I was pissed, and I was sure the alcohol wasn’t helping. The image of Jessica answering Jay’s door in her ball gown had me clenching my fists at my sides.
“Is that why you had lunch with him? Is that why you were out getting drunk with him at my club?” Jay asked, sarcastically.
What? How does he know I had lunch with Marcus?
Those blonde bitches!
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Now, I was shouting. “Are you using those blonde bitches at my work as your little spies? You have got to be fucking kidding me!”
“I didn’t ask them to spy on you, Asia, but it doesn’t matter. They know who I am! Everyone does! I’m about to be a CEO! I can’t have my girlfriend getting drunk and high and starting fights!” he growled at me.
I looked up at him, preparing to ask the question I should have asked a long time ago. “So, you want me to change?” I asked even though it sounded more like a statement.
“Yeah. I guess I do.”
And there it was. He wanted me, but only if I became the person he needed me to be, which wasn’t me at all.
“This is who I am, Jay. I’m sorry if I made you believe that I was something else, but if you want to be with me, you have to accept all of me…exactly the way I am.”
Swallowing, I tried to regain my composure, but it was so hard with those piercing blue
eyes staring into mine. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted him to hug me, hold me, and tell me everything was going to be okay.
Jay moved closer, and then he softly kissed me on the lips. As our lips lingered together, I could feel despair flowing over me. God, I’m going to miss him. I would miss his touch and his smell. Actually, I would miss everything about him.
Our kiss slowly became rough, our lips pressing hard against each other. Jay licked my bottom lip, asking for permission. Parting my mouth, I let his tongue caress mine. He moaned, and I could feel my entire body reacting as he moved his hands down my arms to my hips. I wrapped my hands around his neck. I ravaged him with a kiss, letting all of my hurt and anger and sadness pour out of me. Just as Jay moved one of his hands to my breast, I pulled away, panting.
“I can’t,” I gasped, shaking my head. As I faced forward in my seat, tears began stinging my eyes again. “The last time we slept together, you pushed me away. I can’t take that again.”
“I’m sorry.” He took my hand in his, rubbing his thumb over my ring. “Will you call me tomorrow? We don’t have to do anything—just talk.”
I nodded as I reached for the door handle.
“Asia…I really am sorry.” He slowly released my hand.
I walked over to the sidewalk and crossed my arms as I watched his black car pull away. Everything became blurry as tears clogged my eyes. I quickly wiped them. Another man took what he wanted and left. I’d finally opened my heart just to have it crushed all over again. When am I going to learn?
When I walked back into my apartment, Marcus was still sitting on my couch. He was eating some chips with his feet propped up on my coffee table. Plopping down next to him, I reached over and took the bag of chips off his lap.
Marcus studied my face for a second. “You okay?”
I nodded, kicked off my flip-flops, and put my feet up on the table.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Not really. What’s there to say? Men are dicks. Shaun was right,” I muttered.
I put a chip in my mouth and made sure to chew it extra hard. Marcus watched me for a few seconds more before turning back toward the TV. He reached over to grab some chips, his tattooed arm slipping into the bag on my lap. My back stiffened as I felt his fingers moving between my thighs. Luckily, he didn’t seem to notice as he sat there, entranced by ESPN.
The next morning, I woke up to a knock at the door. As I lifted my head, I realized I was lying on Marcus’s chest. His arm was draped over the back of the couch behind me. His head was tilted back, and his feet were still propped up on my coffee table.
When I heard Hailey’s voice on the other side of the door, I jumped up. Oh god. My head!
“Asia! Are you in there?”
I heard her key turning in the doorknob as I rushed to get up. When she opened the door, she caught me looking startled.
“Were you sleeping?” she asked, sounding annoyed.
I’d completely forgotten about my plans to have breakfast with her. “Oh shit! I’m sorry, Hailey.” My head began to throb, reminding me of all the drinking I had done the night before.
Glancing past me, Hailey saw Marcus as he sat up on my couch and rubbed his eyes. She quickly looked back at me.
“What is he doing here?” she whispered.
“We went out for drinks last night, and I completely forgot. I’m sorry. I’ll be ready in just a minute. I promise.” I turned around and jogged down the hall toward my bedroom. Just as I grabbed the knob, I remembered that my brother was still in there with his one-night stand. I sighed and knocked loudly on the door.
“Shaun, get up! I need to get into my room! Now!”
I pounded on the door a few more times before he opened it, wearing nothing but his boxers.
“What the fuck, Asia?” he groaned as he rubbed his hand through his messy hair.
I could see the brunette behind him. She was rushing to put on her clothes.
“You need to get out. I have to get dressed,” I said, pushing Shaun out of the way.
I went straight to my dresser, trying to ignore Shaun as he explained to his friend that she had to go. When he told her he would call her, I rolled my eyes. No, he won’t.
Grabbing some panties and a bra, I rushed Shaun and Miss Chocolate Hair out the door. I closed it behind him and then hurried to my bathroom. I took some painkillers, praying my throbbing headache would go away.
After a fast shower, I put on my yellow sundress and pulled my wet hair back into a bun. I quickly put on some makeup and then scurried out of my room.
Hailey and Shaun were sitting on my couch, and Marcus was just walking out of my other bathroom. He stopped in his tracks when he saw me, and a big smile spread across his face.
I looked down at my dress and checked my boobs. “What?”
“Nothing.” He shook his head, still smiling.
“You ready?” I asked, turning my eyes to Hailey.
“Yeah, let’s go.” She stood up and put her purse strap on her shoulder.
I glared at Shaun. “You need to take those sheets and my blanket off my bed and wash them before you leave. I’m serious, Shaun.”
He laughed, and I walked toward him with my fist cocked back.
“Okay, okay! I will. Damn.”
“Just lock my door when you guys leave, okay?” I spoke to Marcus, knowing he would be more reliable than my brother.
He nodded, still grinning at me.
“What the fuck are you smiling at, Marcus?” I asked, checking my dress again.
“Nothing. I’m just in a good mood,” he said, his eyes dancing.
He was hiding something, but I didn’t have time to figure it out. I knew I hadn’t done anything with him. I would have remembered since I’d felt pretty sober after my talk with Jay.
“Whatever.” I unhooked my phone from my stereo and tossed it into my purse.
Hailey was waiting for me at the door.
Before I left, I turned around. “Don’t forget my sheets, Shaun!” I shouted, glaring at him again.
“Yeah, yeah.”
On our way to the country club, I gave Hailey a summary of what had happened between Jay and me.
She gave me a sympathetic look and put her hand on my leg. “I’m sorry, Asia.”
I sighed and leaned my head back on the headrest.
“I should have listened to you. I was just excited. I was too caught up in the fantasy to see it for what it really was.”
I closed my eyes, still feeling the tightness from my headache. Hailey had mercy on me, and she didn’t say anything else for the rest of the drive. When she pulled her car up to the valet, I looked at her and grinned.
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t ready this morning. I really am happy for you, you know? You deserve to be happy, and I know John will make sure you are.”
Hailey had tears welling up in her eyes as she reached over to give me a hug. “That means so much, Asia. Thank you.”
During breakfast, I tried hard to stay focused. I made sure to nod when I was supposed to, but I was having a hard time concentrating on what anyone was saying.
Sitting in that fancy dining room, I was surrounded by wealthy men and women covered in designer clothes as they enjoyed their expensive food, and I couldn’t help but think about Jay. At first, it had seemed like he was just asking me to be better, to stop partying and cursing, and to get my shit together. Now, looking around the room, I realized he had been asking for much more than that.
I watched all the women around me. Their hair and makeup were flawless. They sipped their teas while their napkins were laid out neatly in their laps. They appeared to be so controlled and poised.
I knew I could never be like that. It wasn’t because I refused to grow up. I just refused to sell out. No man and no amount of money would be enough to make me change who I was. Even if it means losing what I had with Jay. I had already started to change for him before he asked me to, and it wasn’t fair to either of us.
> When Hailey dropped me off at my apartment, she was giddy from all the talk about her wedding. We made plans to shop for dresses in the upcoming weeks, and she made me promise that I would call her if I needed to talk about Jay. I agreed even though I knew I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to unload my crap on her when she was so happy.
I walked into my apartment, and Marcus and Shaun were gone. My place was actually clean, and I knew Marcus must have done all the work because my brother was a slob.
Making my way into my room, I changed into something more comfortable. When I went into the bathroom to take my hair down, I stood there, looking at myself in the mirror. I took a deep breath as I stared into my mother’s eyes.
Gazing down at my tiger tattoo on my right arm, I rubbed my hand over it, worried that it would always remind me of Jay. Our time together flashed before my eyes—the night he’d walked me home from Bob’s Diner, our stroll on the beach on our first date, the way he’d looked at me when I stripped in front of him, the feel of his hands when they had grazed my skin, his eyes burning into mine while he’d made love to me.
All of it came flooding in at once, and I sank to the floor. I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them as warm tears slid down my face. The ache of losing someone was familiar to me, but that didn’t make this time hurt any less. It was hard to believe that I was worthy of love when every time it was within my grasp, it was brutally ripped away.
As I sat there, crying, I remembered my conversation with Jay in his car. One of those blondes had told him about my lunch with Marcus. That was when it hit me—how he had been so different with me when I went to his house, the way he’d fucked me and barely spoken to me, the coldness in his eyes. He’d known when I got there that I had lunch with Marcus, and he hadn’t said anything. He’d gotten what he wanted from me, and then he’d left me.
What a fucking asshole!
I was done.
No more tears.
I got up, wiping at my face with my hands, and I stomped into Hailey’s old room. Grabbing the box Jay had used to send my art supplies, I snatched up the canvases, the paintbrushes, and the tubes of paint. I threw them all back into the box, and then I tossed the box down on the floor. I went into my room to grab the black velvet case for my ring. I slid the ruby ring off my middle finger and put it back where it belonged. After finding a pen and a piece of paper, I sat down at my table and wrote a note to Jay.
