by Gwen Cole
“Why are you still here?” I ask. “Don’t you have someplace to go back to?”
He tilts his head—not quite a shake. “Not anymore. Plus, when life sets you on a path, you should take it.”
“And that’s what you’re doing?”
“That’s what I’m doing,” he agrees. “Never liked the Lawmen, so I might as well find a common enemy.”
“And who is that, exactly?”
Rami glances at my wrist. “I don’t know, you tell me.”
“I’ve only heard a few things—I’m not even sure if they’re real.”
“People call them Reds,” says Rami, “but I don’t know if that’s their real name or if they even have one. I don’t know anything more than they hate the Lawmen. Maybe they’re just another gang trying to gain followers.” He ends with a shrug.
Rami turns back to the fire and I decide to check on Cade before we turn in for the night. In my haste to escape Rami, I forget Finn and Avery are outside, and I hear the tail end of what appears to be an argument. But instead of making myself visible, I press against the house and listen.
“Then why is he still with us?” Finn asks. “We’ve never needed anyone before now, and we’ll be better off without both of them.”
“Seph knows the Wild more than anyone. We need—”
“—we don’t need him,” he says. “You know we can’t trust anyone, especially outlaws like him.”
Avery pauses. “Without Seph, I wouldn’t be alive, and you wouldn’t be free right now.” Finn has nothing to say to that, and she continues, “Just give him a chance, okay? At least until we know where we’re going.”
There’s a long moment when I’m not sure he’s going to say anything, then his voice comes even quieter than before. “I’m sorry, you’re right. It’s just … everything has changed and nothing feels safe anymore.”
“Nothing is safe, but as long as we’re together, we’ll get through it. Okay?”
I hear them returning and I slip back inside, taking my place next to the door. Rami doesn’t comment on my quick return, and the twins come back a minute later. Finn and Avery take the bed, and Rami rolls out a bedroll in front of the fire.
When nobody is looking, I slip out the door, knowing where I’ll sleep tonight. I take Cade a little ways from the house and we make our own camp—one I’m familiar with.
“Seph?”
I turn to see Avery for a second time tonight. She holds out the blanket I gave her a few days ago. “The Lawmen had a few in their saddlebags,” she explains.
I step forward to take it from her. “Avery … if you don’t want me here, just say so. I can be gone by morning and you’ll never see me again.”
“What—why are you even asking me? Of course I want you here,” she says.
“Does Finn?”
She stops then. Hesitates. “He’s not used to being around people he doesn’t know. It’s been the two of us for years and this is something he has to get used to. He’s just worried.” Avery steps closer, close enough for us to touch but we don’t. “I want you here, Seph. If you decide to ride out tonight while we’re sleeping, that’s up to you. But you might find me behind you when the sun comes up. That, I can promise you.”
At the thought of it being just the two of us again, I feel the side of my mouth come up. “Don’t tempt me,” I say.
“You’ll get used to Finn, I promise. Rami … we’ll figure him out together.”
“Tolerate is the word I would use for Finn.”
Avery smiles and backs away. “I’ll see you in the morning?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
Once she’s inside, I settle down on my bedroll and pull the blanket over me. I look up at the sky, and seconds before I close my eyes, I swear I see something past the clouds. The bright things in the night sky that I’ve only heard stories about.
But when I wake in the morning, the sky is still gray and I convince myself it was a dream.
24.
Avery
In the morning, Seph isn’t outside. Cade is gone, along with his saddlebags. I’m coming to conclusions and I have to push them away before I do something rash.
Finn is still asleep and I find Rami feeding the horses. He’s got one of the Lawmen’s pistols buckled around his hips and a gray bandana around his neck. He glances sideways at me.
“Have you seen Seph?” I ask. I keep my voice calm, not wanting to appear concerned, but inside, I’m worried he’s left—after everything we’ve been through, he decided to leave anyway. A quick thought runs through my mind—he has every right to. We’ve known each other for a week, so why am I freaking out about it?
I know why but I don’t want to admit it.
“Yeah, I’ve seen him,” Rami says.
“So where is he?”
He glances again, one side of his mouth turned up. “He’s wherever his horse decided to take him.”
Seph has gone riding in the morning before, so maybe I’m overthinking it. I take a minute to breathe and convince myself I’m being stupid. Because I am.
To distract myself, I go back inside and pack our things. It doesn’t take long since we don’t have a lot. Finn sits up in bed, his eyes not completely open. He’s never been a morning person and sometimes he can’t even think right until after noon. He always had me bring coffee from Kev and I’m wondering how he’s faring without it.
I finish packing my saddlebags and stuff my bandana in my back pocket.
“Ave?”
I stop and look up at him.
“I’m sorry about last night,” he says. “I just wish we could go home.”
I sit next to him on the bed and lean against the wall. “I felt the same way, too,” I tell him.
“Felt?”
“I realized we don’t need to go home. I know you feel the same. We talked about it the day before Torreck came. We were going to leave anyway.”
Finn nods and leans his head against the wall. “I know. It’s just … it’s not what I expected it to be out here. Mom always drilled into our heads to never trust anyone and to never travel into the Wild. And now we’re doing both.”
“But at least we’re doing it together, right?” I try to smile but he isn’t taking it.
“I never thought it would be so soon. Leaving sounded fine when we were talking about it, but now that we’re actually out here, I—” He struggles to find the words.
“Don’t know what to do?”
Finn looks over at me, and for the hundredth time I get this warm feeling in my heart because he’s finally here again. Those nights without him, Finn was in my dreams but always too far for me to reach. But those dreams did not become reality.
We have Seph to thank for that, yet I won’t bring up his name again. Even though Finn met him before, he still doesn’t trust him—or know him like I do. Without Seph, though, we won’t last long out here.
“I hate not knowing where we’ll end up,” he admits, “or not having control over anything. Out here, it’s like nothing from our old life applies anymore.” He smiles and says, “And from what you went through, I think you know what I mean. I still can’t believe some of it.”
“Me either.” And he barely knows the half of it. I never told him about Levi.
He pulls something from his pocket and sets the small wooden horse in the palm of my hand. I brush my thumb over it, savoring how familiar it is.
Finn says, “On the days when I knew we were going to be searched, I had to hide it away in my boot.”
“After I left, I kept thinking this was the only thing I would go back home for. I’m glad you had it.”
Outside, the wind brings the sound of galloping and I slip off the bed. I step out and see Seph riding from the east. Even from this far, I know it’s him. The way he rides and holds the reins in one hand. Sometimes I think he and Cade are of the same mind when they ride—so flawless and nothing like I’ve seen.
Seph slows down when he gets closer. His bandana is down aro
und his neck, so when he smiles I can return it. He dismounts and starts toward me—but stops, his smile slipping as he glances over my shoulder where I feel Finn behind me.
“Are you guys ready to go?” he asks us.
Finn answers, “Whenever you are.”
But Seph looks at me when he says, “Then let’s go.”
About an hour into the ride, I drop back and leave Rami and Finn to lead the way across the flatlands. We’ve been passing abandoned houses and stone structures all morning but each one is set far apart from each other—places that used to be called farms, where they grew food above the ground instead of under it and used the sun instead of solar lamps.
I try to replace the brown with green and the gray with blue with my imagination, but nothing changes.
I keep pace alongside Seph, and it’s so familiar. Even the horses know each other well enough to have the same stride. We’re at a good and steady speed, trying to keep the Lawmen behind us if they happen to be following our trail. A few times I catch Seph’s eye, then we both look away, probably trying to find words because neither of us knows what to say.
Most of the day passes before we spot a small town on the horizon. Seph suggests we stop for supplies, not knowing when we’ll have another chance and I know he’s right. Finn argues but Rami agrees—he knows because he’s also like Seph. They know the Wild better than we do and I know from experience to listen to them.
“There’s always a risk, but it’s either that or starve to death,” Seph says, looking to the south where the town sits.
Finn is staring at me, and I do everything I can not to look at Seph again since it’s impossible to hide anything from him. And I don’t trust my face not to give away my thoughts.
“If we’re doing this, we’d better go now,” Rami says. “There’s a storm coming and we won’t want to stay here tonight.”
Finn hesitates, probably remembering the lessons Mom taught us. I give him a nod, telling him to agree.
“All right fine,” he says. “Let’s do this.”
Wind blows from the north and the clouds are darker. It’s the type of wind that might bring a dust storm along with it.
Seph says, “Keep your guns handy. Other than that, just follow my lead.”
He kicks Cade ahead and we follow him. The closer we get to the town, the more I see of it—how run down it is and how half the buildings aren’t in use. It’s nothing like Stonewall, where we’ve kept it in good condition and each building has life left in it. These buildings here are from the old days, crumbling away and being picked apart to burn for their fires. Missing parts of buildings are patched up with odd pieces of material and most of the windows are broken.
We walk the horses down the main road. Seph leads us and I try to follow his example—keeping eyes straight ahead and not making eye contact with anyone staring. Because they are. People stand in their doorways and in windows, watching us pass by. I do everything I can to appear like I know what I’m doing. If I’m convincing, I’m not sure.
Seph pulls to stop in front of a building with blacked-out windows. There’s a hitching post out front and he dismounts but doesn’t loop Cade’s reins around it. He digs through the feed bag and pulls out a wad of cash.
Finn dismounts, too, but Rami and I stay put.
“If you see anything,” he says, looking straight at me, “don’t hesitate to yell for us.”
Seph glances at Rami then he and Finn disappear inside. Jack shifts under me and I look both ways down the road, my heart racing. A few people mill around, their eyes glancing at us more often than not, doing nothing to calm my nerves. How does Seph do this all the time?
A rider appears at the end of town but they head south, away from us. It’s quiet here. The wind blows a little harder and I look at Rami. He appears as comfortable here as Seph does—like they’ve done this a million times. I don’t know how they do it because a knot is tight in my stomach and my heart can’t find a constant beat.
My hands are too tight around the reins, and if I let go, they will shake.
“You’re acting like a stray dog waiting for its long-lost master to appear,” Rami drawls.
I glare at him. “Then I would have sharp teeth to bite you with.”
Rami grins. “I would like that.”
After a few slow minutes, Seph and Finn come out with the supplies they’ve bought. Finn has a feed bag for the horses and Seph has food for us—more ration bars and other things he’s managed to get. The rice we had last night was something we won’t have again for a long time, and my tongue waters at the memory.
“They say there’s a well outside of town where we can fill our canteens,” Seph says, closing up his saddlebags. “Let’s get it done quick so we can leave.”
We find the well as promised, and Rami dismounts to draw the water while the rest of us watch the buildings. A few people are still staring. We hand our canteens down to him one at a time, and I take a drink before stashing it away.
Once Rami has his leg swung over the saddle, we don’t waste a second in riding out. The main road leads south, so when we’re clear of the buildings, we turn west. The farther we ride from the town, the more my grip loosens on the reins.
Seph falls back next to me and the horses slow to a walk. He’s got his ball cap on backwards again and his hair blows across his forehead.
“Are you okay?”
I nod, more to assure myself. “Yeah.” I almost don’t ask, but I can’t help it, “How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Go into a strange town so calm, not knowing anything about the people there or what they’ll do when they see you. I don’t know how you can do it over and over again.”
“Trust me, it only comes with practice,” Seph says. “I’ve been doing this my whole life, and it’s still not easy.”
“You were so confident, though.”
“No,” he says, looking over, “I appeared confident. I know what I’m doing every time I enter a new town, but I never show exactly what I’m feeling. People will take advantage of you if you wear your emotions.”
“Rami seems pretty familiar with it, too. I tried, but—”
“—You were great.”
I snort. “I could barely breathe.”
“But you didn’t show it.” He nods his head to the side, trying not to smile. “At least most of it.”
The corner of my mouth goes up, but I jerk my chin forward, changing the subject. “What do you know about Rami, anyway?”
“Not much. I met him a couple days before Kev, and then again when I was in their prison. He was in a gang before, so I’m sure the Lawmen caught him doing something he shouldn’t.”
“He was in a gang before?” My voice doesn’t hide my doubt about him being here. I don’t know why I’m surprised at the fact. A lot of people join gangs when they have nowhere else to go.
“Was.” Seph glances again. “I don’t know why I let him come with us, but everyone deserves a chance, right?”
“Yeah, I guess. It’s just … sometimes I look at him and I have no idea what he’s thinking. It’s unnerving.”
I look over to see Seph giving me a look. Like it should be obvious.
“It’s the Wild that you see,” he says, giving a chance to let the words sink in. “It gets to some people faster than others. Sometimes depending how long they’ve been out here or what their purpose is. Rami—he’s … he is who he is. When you see enough things you shouldn’t—you can’t come back from that. I can’t remember how many times I’ve come across people who have killed themselves because they couldn’t find what they were looking for or they were alone for too long.” He shrugs one shoulder. “The Wild is for the people who can stand it the longest. For others, their minds go before their bodies do.”
I slow Jack to a stop, not realizing it. Cade stops alongside us. “And what about you?”
His thoughts drift away with his eyes—something I’ve seen him do a million times but never r
eally thought about.
I can’t stop looking at Seph—the pieces finally coming together. Half the time his mind is somewhere else entirely. The way Cade only let me near him when I started talking to him—the same way Seph does because he’s used to only having a horse for company. The way he’s obsessed with his boots like they’re worth more than anything.
The Wild has started getting to him, too, even if he might not realize it. Or maybe he does and he’s already embraced it. And I’m only finding out now because besides the small things, he’s completely normal. He doesn’t have Rami’s eyes or the harshness other outlaws have.
I’ve never met anyone like him. And the weird thing is—it changes nothing about how I feel toward him. With Gage, it was easy. I knew him my whole life and everything was predictable. With Seph, it’s different every day and I love who he’s become, even if the Wild has become a part of him.
I can’t stop thinking about the kiss we had near the river. I want to do it again. My cheeks feel heated but Seph doesn’t notice because his mind isn’t here.
“Seph.”
He blinks and looks at me. “What?”
I shake my head. “Never mind.”
Finn and Rami are riding back for us. “What is it?” Finn asks, pulling to a stop.
“Sorry,” I say, my mind not coming up with an excuse. “It’s nothing.”
Rami nods behind him. “We’d better keep moving.”
On the horizon, the storm draws closer. The wind picks up and dust swirls around the horses’ legs. We tie our bandanas around our mouths and pull our goggles over our eyes. Hopefully the rain will come soon or I’ll need to take another swim in the river.
We keep riding west and the wind gets stronger. We bend our heads against the dust and the clouds make the sky dark, slowly overcoming us.
Right when the timing couldn’t be worse, Jack’s gait changes, favoring his left front leg. I fall behind the boys and they ride over the next rise, a wall of dust between me and them. Even if I were to call out, they wouldn’t hear me. Jack comes to a stop and I get down to check his hoof, pulling my bandana and goggles down so I can see. It doesn’t take long to find the freshly hidden stone, and then I run my hands up his leg, making sure he hasn’t strained anything.
