by Gwen Cole
“Is it really that big of a deal?” Seph asks.
We start walking with Cade between us. “No, but it’s an ongoing argument. And I can’t let him get away with thinking he’s the older one.”
“I guess the sibling thing is something I’ll never understand.”
“Some days it’s great and then some days it’s …” I throw my hand toward Finn. “Stupid stuff that makes me want to punch him.”
Seph shrugs. “I wouldn’t mind seeing that.”
“Maybe you will.” I grin.
“What was it like, with you guys living alone after your mom died?”
I chew my inner cheek and think of how to describe it. “It wasn’t something we were ready for. We turned to her for everything, so after she was gone, we were suddenly at a loss of what to do.” I turn to see Seph looking at me. “It was really hard for the first few months, trying to figure what to eat at night and what to do for extra money. The simplest things that became the hardest—things we never noticed because she always did them.”
Then I ask, “What was it like for you?”
His eyebrows go up, and he looks away—like he’s never thought about it. “I don’t know,” he says. “One day he was there and the next he wasn’t. I had no choice but to deal with it. He made sure I knew how to survive on my own. He taught me how to shoot and how to hunt—when there were still animals around anyway. It’s like he wanted me to be ready because he knew that day would come eventually.” He thinks about something and says, “But mostly I just felt alone. I was by myself for a long time, and it wasn’t until a few years later when I came across Cade.”
“I was lucky to have Finn,” I say. “I miss Mom every day, but at least I still have him. Because I couldn’t imagine doing any of this by myself. Let alone face the Wild.”
“You don’t think you could do it?”
I snort once and shake my head. “I wouldn’t even know where to go. My first night in the Wild, I couldn’t tell which way was north.” I look to the sky and admit, “Even during the day I still have trouble sometimes.”
Seph looks up, showing a ghost of a smile. “Once you know the sky like the palm of your hand, it gets easier.”
“Do you always know where you’re going?”
He takes his eyes from the sky and gives me a long look. “Almost always. Sometimes it’s as easy as going west or north, and sometimes I hear rumors of a certain town in the mountains that I go looking for.” He nods and rubs his hand down Cade’s head. “But some days I let the wind take us wherever it’s going.”
I look at them both, wondering where I would be if I never came across either of them. Not here, certainly. Probably nowhere.
“Hey, guys!” We look ahead where Rami and Finn are stopped, looking at something in the distance. We catch up, squinting to see what caught their eye.
“What do you think it is?” Rami asks. He’s chewing something in his mouth, making his words sound funny.
We all stand and stare at the shape in the distance. It’s something big with a thick pole sticking out the middle, half buried in the ground. Eventually, everything from the past becomes buried; it just depends how long it’s been there.
Seph pulls himself on Cade and says, “Let’s go check it out.”
We ride the last half mile and pull up to examine whatever it is. It sits next to a wide river that isn’t as deep as it used to be, judging from the size of the banks. Seph dismounts, never taking his eyes off it. He walks a few steps, then turns around smiling.
“It’s a boat,” he says, unable to hide his excitement.
I slide off Jack, trying to remember an old picture Mom had of a boat on the ocean, the waves tall around it. It didn’t look anything like this, but maybe it’s a different kind.
“It doesn’t look like a boat,” Finn voices.
“It’s a sailboat,” Seph answers. “See the mast coming out of the middle? That’s where the sail is supposed to hang from.”
I look back and Finn gives me a shrug but he’s smiling. Rami looks slightly bored, but he kicks his horse to go take a closer look. Finn follows him, and when I look at Seph next to me, I’ve never seen him so fascinated about something before. He looks at the ship like how I would imagine people would look at the sun if they ever found it.
“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” he says.
I watch as Finn and Rami trek up the a mound formed where the wind had pushed the dirt against the boat, burying most of the front end. With them next to it, the boat seems bigger than before.
“But where did it come from?” I ask.
Seph thinks about it and looks south. “If I had to guess, they came from the ocean and tried coming up the river at some point, probably years ago when the river was still full. Because this isn’t just some riverboat. It’s made for bigger waters. Or maybe it got washed in from sea from one of those killer storms.”
“Come on then,” I say, starting toward it. “Let’s go check it out.”
We leave the horses and climb up to the boat. The wooden deck is covered in a thin layer of dirt and old rope hangs from what Seph called the mast. There’s no sign of the sail, but it’s easy to guess that the wind took it away long ago. Now that we’re up here, I can see it’s got to be at least seventy-five feet long—bigger than anything I’ve ever stood on.
Rami and Finn appear from a set of stairs that disappear underneath.
“It’s not too bad in there,” Finn says. “A lot of dirt, but nothing that can’t be cleaned out. And it’s bigger than our old house.”
“Are you trying to suggest something?” I ask, one eyebrow raised.
He shrugs. “We could always stay here the night. The horses could use the long rest and this guy needs to take a dip in the river.” He jabs his thumb at Rami.
The outlaw gives him his creepy smile. “Careful what you wish for.”
Seph laughs once and then nods. “It’s a good idea. I think we’d know if someone was following us by now.”
Rami punches Finn in the shoulder and says, “Let’s go get the stuff inside so I can drown you in the river.”
“Can’t wait,” he says, following him.
I sit on the side of the boat and watch as Seph walks around, taking it all in.
“Isn’t it amazing to think that this used to sail across the ocean?” he says, looking up at the mast. “I can’t imagine what that must feel like.”
“Probably really dull,” I say.
Seph looks at me. “Why do you say that?”
“Being surrounded by water isn’t something I would want. You can’t ride horses on water.”
Seph sits next to me. “It’s not just being surrounded by water,” he says. “It’s the ocean. One day it could be calm and the next it could be storming, and you can go wherever you want. No borders, no bridges, no walls you can’t cross. I guess the only thing you have to look out for is pirates.”
“Pirates? You mean like, in those stories about men with parrots on their shoulders and wooden legs?”
“Those stories are only told by parents who don’t want to scare their kids. I’m talking about real pirates. Men who live on the water and will kill anyone who crosses paths with them. They raid oceanside towns and take prisoners to sell as slaves in different countries.” He smiles. “Those are the real pirates.”
“You seem to know a lot about this stuff.”
Seph shakes his head. “I’ve just heard a lot different people talk about it. Some stuff sticks with me and other things don’t.”
We sit for a while, letting the wind brush against us from the north. I let Seph wander in his own mind again. From this high up, I can see as far as my eyes will let me. To the south, the land rises into a small hill and what’s beyond that isn’t hard to guess. More nothing like everywhere else.
“You know,” he says, “this is the first place I’ve been to that I could see myself staying for a while.”
“Here?”
He looks over and nods
. “Right here.”
“It’s not very practical.”
“Does life have to be?”
“If you want to survive, yes. You should know that better than anyone.”
“I suppose. But what if it’s only for a few days?”
I think about it, because right now—after all those days of riding—staying in one place can’t sound any better. “I think a few days would be fine.”
“Are you sure?” His green eyes bore into me.
“I’m sure. A townie like me knows what it’s like to stay in one place. You’ll be out of your element for a little while.”
Seph smiles at that and says, “Well if you’re such an expert on this stuff, what should I do next?”
“You promise not to think about it too long?”
His smile widens. “I promise.”
My heart kicks. “Well then … I think you should kiss me,” I say, looking down at my feet. “And be quick about it because Finn will be back any—”
When I look back up, he’s already there to cut off my words.
29.
Seph
Ever since Avery brought up my father, I can’t stop thinking about him.
I stand up to my knees in the river, remembering every moment he watched me from the bank and let me be who I wanted to be. I hope I’ve become someone he would be proud of. After last night, I’m still not sure. I finger the cloth around my wrist, wondering what he meant for me.
Cade stands beside me, his legs and belly wet and dark. A little more than a week ago, we would have been standing in a river alone. Just the two of us.
Now we watch the others and listen to the snippets of banter. It’s a change I never thought I would be okay with. A change I never thought I would like. Somewhere inside me, I’m excited for what’s to come. Because for once, I don’t know what it holds.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
I turn to see Finn behind me, his pants rolled up to his knees even though they’re totally soaked.
“Sure, what’s up?”
He stands a few feet away like there’s a barrier between us—and there has been. In the Lawmen’s prison, we might have been as close to friends as I’ve ever been, though since then it’s been backwards, like none of it ever happened.
Finn digs his hands deep into his pockets and finally looks at me.
“I wanted to say thank you,” he says. “For keeping Avery safe while I wasn’t around, and for what you did last night.”
“It’s really nothing, I—”
“No, but it is. She could’ve come across anyone out there, and if she did, she wouldn’t be here right now. Neither would I.” He glances down the river where Avery washes a pair of clothes. Rami is a little ways out, floating on his back with his eyes closed. “I’m sorry,” Finn says, turning back, “for being an ass these past few days. I could list excuses and try to explain why but none of it matters. The fact is, Avery was lucky to have you and I’m grateful for it. I want you to know that we’re good. There’s nobody else in the world I would trust her with more than myself.”
“The thing is,” I say, “I probably wouldn’t be here either if it wasn’t for her. She’s the toughest girl I’ve ever met.”
Finn smiles and says, “Yeah, she is.”
He holds out his hand for me to shake and I take it. I want to say something, but I don’t know what. But he seems satisfied with me saying nothing and leaves to rejoin his sister.
“People are complicated sometimes,” I say to Cade.
He blows air from his nose in response.
Despite my protests, Rami and Finn make a fire using broken scraps from the boat. Not because I’m afraid of someone seeing the flames, but because I don’t want them chopping up this boat for one night’s worth of heat. Some part of me feels protective over it.
Night falls and we sit around the fire. Our wet clothes hang from a rope tied to the mast and the horses make familiar noises down near the water. The collar of my jacket is popped up against the cold breeze. It’s the first time I’ve needed to wear it in months.
I chew on my ration bar and try not to look at the fire. I don’t like the way it blinds me when I look away from it, leaving me vulnerable. Avery and Finn sit across from me and Rami sits between us, smoking a rare cigarette—the paper almost a brown color after so many years of sitting. I can’t imagine it tastes very good.
I catch Avery’s eye over the flames and she gives me a smile, one that Finn doesn’t see. The night is not as cold because of it.
“So I was thinking,” she starts. Finn stops eating. “Maybe we could stay here for a few days.”
“What for?” he asks. “There’s nothing here.”
“Because these last two weeks haven’t been what I call easy,” she says. “I just—” she glances at me quick, “—I thought it would be a nice break.”
“I wouldn’t call this place nice,” Rami adds, talking even slower while smoking.
Finn laughs once in response and I don’t say anything. Even though Finn and I are on neutral ground now, I have a feeling he would argue against Avery more if I were on her side. She knows it, too—not looking at me or asking for any comment. She knows her brother better than anyone.
“Look,” Finn says. “Rami says the settlement shouldn’t be much farther from what he’s heard. Maybe even less than a day’s ride from here if we’re lucky.”
Avery jumps on it before he can think more. “Well that’s perfect then. You guys can go out in the morning, and if you don’t come across anything by midday, come back and we’ll go back out together. Jack needs more than a day’s rest. He’s been riding steady for a week.”
“I won’t let you stay here alone—no way in hell.”
Seeing my opportunity, I decide to interject. “I’ll stay with her. Cade could use a break, as well.”
He doesn’t need a break—Cade’s been riding like this his whole life, but he doesn’t need to know that.
Finn looks unsure. Rami shrugs.
“You sure you want to?” Finn asks his sister.
“Yes, I’m sure. You guys head out in the morning and see what you can find. We’ll be here when you get back.”
Finn doesn’t look totally sold, but he nods anyway. I feel his eyes on me and I do my best to look emotionless, even when I want to look at Avery and flash her a smile nobody else will see. We haven’t been truly alone since the train rescue.
After a while, they each disappear beneath the boat, Rami being the last one to go. The fire is almost down to coals, and after I put it out, I lean back and stare up at the sky. Sometimes if I look long enough, I can see something glowing behind the clouds. The moon I’ve never seen. I can lay awake for hours hoping I will until my eyes become too heavy to keep open. My hope diminishes with the night.
Sometimes I want to see the moon as much as the ocean. With everyone down below for the night, I can almost hear it if I try hard enough—my imagination getting the better of me.
Someone comes up on the deck, and I know it’s Avery from her light footsteps. I sit up and she stands over me, her arms crossed from the cold.
“Will you come down to sleep tonight?”
“I wasn’t planning on it,” I admit.
“Seph—”
“I can’t,” I tell her. I look away and she sits down next to me, close enough for her arm to brush against mine. I feel the warmth through my coat. “I can’t sleep with something over me,” I say. “Sometimes I have to when it’s storming but I don’t sleep long on those nights. Sometimes not at all.”
“What did you do in prison?”
“I only slept when I was too exhausted not to,” I say. “Sometimes when it’s bad, I can’t even breathe. It’s like everything is closing in around me, crushing me.”
Avery leans closer and says, “Some men who went into the mines felt the same way, and they couldn’t work down there because of it. But when I’m inside, I feel safer. The roof over my head protects me from
the outside, and the walls hide me when I don’t want to be seen.” She pauses and then continues, “You don’t have to be afraid of something you’re not used to. My first real night in the Wild, I barely slept at all. But I got used to it—something I never thought would happen.”
“Are you trying to tell me something?”
“I think you already know.”
I let out a slow breath. “It’s not something that’s going to change overnight.”
“I don’t expect it to.” Avery stands up and holds her hand down for me. “Sometimes it’s easier to sleep when you’re near people you care about.”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“You’re about to.”
I take her hand and she leads me below where Finn and Rami are already asleep. It’s dark down here, the night barely coming through the broken windows. My eyes adjust more, making out the shapes of things from the old world, things I don’t know names of—covered in layers of dirt and dust and long forgotten.
My bedroll is next to hers and I glance at Finn again, wondering what he’ll do when he wakes up to find me next to her.
“Are you sure this is okay?” I whisper.
Avery leans close and brushes her lips on my cheek. “Yes.” It makes me warm all over, and she leaves me to settle under her own blanket. I pull off my boots and jacket and crawl into my own bed.
I lie on my back with my blanket up to my chin, staring at the underside of the deck and wishing it to be clouds. The air seems thin in here. I have to take shallow breaths while my heart pounds.
“Seph.” Avery’s whispering voice makes me turn my head. She’s lying on her side facing me, using her saddlebags as a pillow. What little light comes through the window shines between us. I turn on my side, never taking my eyes off her.
“Just don’t think about it,” she says.
I can’t stop. I feel it over me and around me—everything in me yearns to be outside. Under the clouds and where the wind can still find me. “Tell me about where you used to live,” I say, on the edge of somewhere I don’t want to be.
“Our house?”
I nod.
“Well it was nothing really special, but it was home. It sits on the outskirts of town, a long dirt path leading to it but still in earshot of the mine’s sirens. It only has two bedrooms—one for our parents and one for us, though Dad died when we were young. We never had much, but Mom always had something for dinner every night, no matter the season.”
