by Gwen Cole
Levi shifts behind me and says, “Don’t come any closer or I’ll—”
Seph lifts his gun, not stopping, and pulls the trigger. Levi falls away and I don’t realize I’m shaking until Seph stops before me, so calm and together. I’ve held everything in this long and I can’t do it anymore. Seph holsters his gun and takes a pair of keys from Levi’s belt to unlock my wrists. He throws the cuffs into the fire and reaches for me but stops halfway.
I feel tears in my eyes and nothing else. A minute ago, I was as close to death as I’ve ever been. I can’t. I think. I don’t know … I—
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
Seph steps closer and wraps his arms around me, pulling me into him.
“Just breathe,” he says.
I press my face into his shoulder and let his warmth bring my heart rate down. His scent fills me, helping me breathe deeper. I listen to his heart, confirming he’s really here. He’s here and I’m not dead.
“You’re safe now,” he whispers.
Every second that passes, I feel myself shaking less and my breathing become steadier. Seph pulls away enough to put his hands on either side of my face. His eyes are normal again—soft and green and everything I remember. Not like before when I hardly recognized him.
“Are you okay?”
“I think so.”
Seph turns when the door of the building slides open. He touches his gun until he sees that it’s Rami, and he lets out a breath. Following on his heels is the other prisoner, who runs off without another word, the dark erasing him as fast as it brought Seph here.
“Have you seen anyone else?” Seph asks him.
Rami shakes his head, for once not grinning or making some weird comment. A long knife is in his hand, red with blood. He pushes himself off the door and goes up to the fire, taking a long branch that’s already half burnt. Without a word, he backtracks and throws the branch into the building, and when it lands somewhere inside, more flames erupt.
“There are others,” I tell Rami as he walks up. I point to the barn. “In there.”
He nods, understanding.
Seph steps away once Rami is gone and reloads his gun. The lever-action sits on his back unused, and there’s an ammo belt along with his holster on his hips. His hat and bandana are missing tonight, leaving him bare. He came thinking there were going to be more to kill.
“You came for me,” I say, stating the obvious.
Seph looks up, hands paused over his gun. “Of course I did.” He searches me for a moment and says, “Avery, I—”
At the sounds of horses, he looks over his shoulder. A second later, Finn rides out of the darkness, followed by Cade and Jack and Rami’s horse. He jumps off before the horse has even stopped and throws his arms around me. This is the second time we’ve been separated. I never want it to happen again.
The people who were locked in the barn come out and scatter in different directions. Rami has his knife holstered now and heads for the horses, not wasting any time. And he’s right, because we shouldn’t. Another crew could show up at any minute.
“Let’s get out of here,” Rami says.
Finn reluctantly lets go of my hand and Jack greets me by pressing his head into my chest. I give him a quick rub and pull myself into the saddle. My legs are still weak and my hands won’t stop shaking, but I gather the reins and take one more look at the burning building. Then I follow them into the night, the wind drying my tears. I have another chance to live.
27.
Seph
When Rami comes to get me in the early hours of the morning for my watch, I’m still awake. I let him take my bedroll and settle my back against one of boulders facing east in case someone happens to be following us.
It’s doubtful. The gang’s settlement burned into the night behind us until we were too far to see it. We rode away with nobody left alive to follow.
But I lost myself tonight.
Maybe for a minute. Maybe two. But it happened, and it scares me to think it’ll happen again.
I look down to see dried blood on my shirt. I can’t feel it on my skin but I know it’s still there, a mark I’ll have to carry even after it’s washed away. I killed more people tonight than I ever have. And the thing that scares me most is that I didn’t have a problem with it. I shot them all without hesitation or regret, because I knew who they were and what they’ve done—what they were going to do with Avery and those other prisoners.
I never wanted to become that person. The person who Torreck saw in me and who everyone thinks I am when they find out I’m an outlaw.
Maybe I was always that person but haven’t realized it until now.
Someone comes around the boulder, and I look up to see Avery hesitating to get closer. She sits down down next to me only after I give her a smile, like she needed permission.
“Are you all right?” I ask.
Avery nods and shrugs at the same time. “Couldn’t sleep.” She looks out over the flatlands, holding everything in as though I can’t see it.
“You don’t have to pretend you’re okay,” I say. “This isn’t something that happens and you get over it in a day.”
“And you would know?” she asks.
I don’t say anything at first, not sure if I want to go there. But she obviously needs to hear it, and I wish I had someone to tell me when I was in her shoes.
So I tell her.
“When I was thirteen, I came across this really bad gang up near the border of Canada. It was cold and the winter was never going to stop. They played nice at first, letting me give them my trust, even though I knew I shouldn’t. But I was hungry and they had a little food to share.” Avery looks over at me and I continue. “I fell asleep not thinking anything would happen, and I woke with my arms and legs tied together and heard them arguing about which way to kill me. They had the fire high and they were drunk. I really thought I was going to die that night.”
“How did you escape?”
“I was able to get a knife without them noticing. They turned on each other and it gave me enough time to slip away. But I’ll never forget those few minutes when I was sure they were going to kill me. You feel helpless and scared, and—” I stop and really look at her. “And it’s not something you can pretend never happened.”
“Even if you want to?” she asks, her eyes pleading. “Because right now, every time I think about it, I can’t breathe.”
I move closer and interlace my fingers with hers. It makes my heart jump, but I try not to let her see. Then I kiss the back of her hand, not taking my eyes off hers. “And what about now?” I ask.
Avery gives me a faint smile. “Better.”
“When you focus on the good, the bad doesn’t seem so terrible.”
“Is that your logic of the day?”
“I have more where that came from, if you want to hear it.”
Avery turns my hand over in hers, tracing a scar across my palm. I’m surprised she even saw it in this light, even though the sky is slowly beginning to brighten with dawn. Her skin is soft against mine, only urging me to move closer to her.
“Where is this from?” she asks, looking up.
I know she asked a question, but the words get mixed in my head and I can’t think straight. I know this night can’t last forever, even though I want it to. Never in my life have I wanted to travel with anyone or be with anyone.
Avery makes me want those things.
I know the Wild better than anyone, and I have to take this moment before it’s gone.
“It’s from a couple years ago.” I clear my throat and straighten my thoughts. “Cade and I ran into a storm and we came across this abandoned barn. It was locked and I used this piece of metal to break the lock. But it was raining and my hand slipped. It actually got infected,” I say, remembering. “It wasn’t bad, but it could have turned into something worse if I hadn’t been lucky.”
A lot of things could’ve been worse than they were. Someti
mes it’s hard to believe I’m alive after everything.
I find myself looking south, knowing the ocean is close but not wanting to leave. Gangs have ruled the territories around every coast I’ve tried to get to, so I wouldn’t risk taking her with me in case they’re here, too. I’ll have to wait it out until the right time.
So close yet so far.
“Seph.”
I blink and look at her. She rests her head against the boulder, tilted toward me. “What’s south?”
“What?” I heard her but I don’t understand what she’s asking.
“You’ve been wanting to go south since I’ve known you.”
I shrug, trying to act like it’s nothing. “No reason.”
“Seph,” Avery says, “I’m not blind. What are you trying to find?”
“It’s stupid.” I look away.
“Even if it keeps you alive?” she asks. “Mom told us stories of people coming through town, trying to find the sky or something else they thought still exists. Even you said it yourself. People don’t last long out here if they don’t know what they want. Or sometimes they do but go crazy never able to find it.”
“And what makes you think I’m not one of those people?” I ask.
“Because you’re not like them.”
“Like who?”
“People like Rami. Outlaws that the Wild has turned into someone else.” She shakes her head and says, “You’re just you. And you’ve survived this long because of it.”
I wish it were true, but she doesn’t know how wrong she is. She didn’t see me last night or too much of what I did.
I keep my jaw clenched until I find the words to say.
“If I’m still myself, then why have I killed so many people?”
Avery lifts her head off the rock, and after a long moment, leans closer. “You killed those people because if you didn’t, they would’ve killed you. And they would have killed me and whoever else they could get. And I know for the handful of people you have killed, there are hundreds that you didn’t but could have. You don’t kill people, Seph,” she says, “you save them.”
I want to believe her. I do. So much that it hurts. Even if what she says is true, it doesn’t change one thing. “But I know it’ll happen again,” I admit, “and I don’t know if I can stop myself.”
“You’re making yourself out to be someone you’re not,” she argues.
“And you’re not the one who has lived in the Wild their whole life, slowly realizing you’re losing yourself,” I say. “It creeps up on me whether I like it or not, no matter my reasons. I’ve gone weeks without seeing another human being, let alone talking to anyone. I find myself talking to Cade like he can talk back, because that’s the only company I’ve ever had.” I hesitate but say it anyway: “Sometimes I envy those people who gave up, knowing I can’t do the same because I don’t have the guts.”
“Seph—”
I shake my head and stand. I start walking, needing more air than the world can give me.
“Stop,” Avery says behind me.
My legs slow down, betraying me.
I love the Wild but I also hate it.
It lures me in, and even though I fight it, I can’t do it forever. I’m like the ground, turning into dust for the winds to take away.
“Turn around,” she says, right behind me.
I do, keeping my face blank.
“You don’t mean what you just said.” She steps closer.
“And how would you know that?” I challenge.
“Because you’re still here.” She lets out a breath, almost angry, and turns away and comes back all in the same second. “Just stop thinking so damn much and live. You’re here, aren’t you? If you wanted to die, you wouldn’t try so hard. You wouldn’t have Cade, and you certainly wouldn’t be alive right now. But you are. We both are,” she says quieter.
“But we might not always be,” I say. “I’m not going to lie—I’m afraid of what is to come of me, because I feel it coming one way or the other. But I’m more afraid of something happening to you before I can stop it. It’s too late for me, but you still have a chance to have a normal life.”
“It’s only too late for you because you’re accepting it,” she says. “You don’t see yourself like I do. You need to stop thinking so much and just be. So would you do me a favor and trust me when I say this?” She puts a hand on my chest, searching my eyes. “I’ve never met anyone as good as you, Seph. You might zone out once in a while and think of Cade as a human, but I wouldn’t have you any other way.”
Avery’s eyes are as fierce now as they were the day in Houston when the gang members tried to take us alive. But this time they’re focused on me.
And I realize how lucky I am that they are.
“Are you sure?” I ask, really needing to know. “Because if you aren’t, I can leave. I can—” I look south, torn. “I can leave before things get worse.”
“Things aren’t going to get worse.”
“How do you know that?”
Avery leans in closer, bringing her lips to my ear, and whispers, “Because you aren’t alone anymore.”
The wind blows through us, reminding me to breathe. It takes me a few moments to realize she’s right. If I decide to stay with her, this will be the first time since Dad died that I haven’t been by myself. But is that such a bad thing? My mind automatically begins to weigh the risks and puts variables in place.
I’m doing exactly what Avery told me to stop doing—thinking too much.
I’m done fighting myself to make the right choice. Avery’s right—I’m not alone anymore. I hold her closer so the wind can’t push us apart.
I whisper, “And I don’t want to be.”
Because sometimes, I need to take a chance.
28.
Avery
“I don’t think I’ve been more scared in my whole life than I was last night,” Finn says, after not speaking for almost an hour.
We walk side by side, as we have been the whole morning, resting the horses after the long miles they’ve put in before now. It actually feels good to walk after all those hours in the saddle, but Jack keeps nudging me in the shoulder—bored with the slow pace.
I finally say to Finn, “Me too.” But I stop it there, not wanting to think of it more. Maybe in a week I’ll be able to speak freely about it but not when it was only hours ago.
Finn and I trail behind Seph and Rami, just out of earshot. Rami talks to Seph and I can only catch a few words when the wind blows right. I’ve almost memorized Seph by now. From the way he walks, anyone can tell he grew up in a saddle. Every few minutes, he turns to talk to Rami and I see his profile against the horizon.
Finn stops me with a hand on my arm, already giving me a look I’ve seen countless times. “I’m sorry for acting the way I’ve been the last couple days,” he says. “I miss home, I miss Axel, and I miss what we had, but there’s no excuse for the way I acted.”
“I don’t think I’m the one you need to apologize to.”
He nods. “I know, but I owe it to both of you. We’re all in this together, right? I’ve been thinking a lot about this place we’re trying to find,” he says. “If these people are anything like the Lawmen or the gangs we’ve come across, we have to keep going. Even though I hate to say it.”
“Trust me, you’re not the only one who feels that way,” I agree. “But let’s get there first and then we’ll figure it out.”
Finn gives me a trying smile. “Whenever that will be.”
“Why, don’t you like wandering around in the Wild?”
“It wasn’t on my list of things to do,” he smirks.
I shove him in the shoulder.
“Oh, so it’s gonna be like that?” he asks, shoving me back.
“Only if you don’t start crying over it.” Before he can grab me, I take off running. I glance back to see him leaving his horse behind with Jack, sprinting to catch up with me. Unfortunately, Finn has always been the fast one. H
e catches me around the waist and drags me down to the ground.
In seconds I’m on my back with him sitting on top of me. “If you don’t let me up I’m going to punch you in the face,” I say, trying to sound serious.
“You couldn’t even if you wanted to, little sis.” His smile is cut off when he sees my face. I swing my legs up and pull him backward. He’s able to get free, but when he tries to back away, I trip him and he goes down hard. I scramble to my feet but he sees me coming. I tackle him before he’s up and we’re both in the dirt a few seconds later, on our backs and breathing hard.
“I feel old,” he says, trying to catch his breath.
“Or maybe weak, because your older sister can still kick your ass.”
He laughs. “Wish on. I was going easy on you.”
Seph and Rami appear above us, both with different shades of curiosity on their faces.
“Do we need to break something up?” Seph asks.
“You might need to if he calls me his little sister again,” I say.
Seph gives me a hand up. I flip my braid over my shoulder and shake the dust out of it.
“So you’re the older one?” Rami asks me.
Finn gets up and brushes the dirt off his jeans, giving him a pointed look. “No, she isn’t.”
Seph looks between us, his gaze landing on Finn. “So, you are?”
“No,” I growl.
“I’m confused.”
“We don’t—” I stop and clear my throat. “We don’t know who is older.”
Finn and I stare at each other while Rami and Seph try not to laugh. It’s almost the only thing we end up fighting over, because it bothers us both the same.
“How is that even possible?” Rami asks.
Finn shakes his head and gives me a smile. “We never wanted to know until about a year ago, but by then it was too late to ask.”
Rami laughs with an exhale and turns his horse around, heading west again, shaking his head. Finn whistles for the horses and takes both, following after Rami and leaving Seph and I alone. He gives me his best impression of a dirty look over his shoulder.
