Chapter Nineteen
Ian cursed softly as he tried for perhaps the fifth time to concentrate on the report in front of him. He’d had a ridiculous amount of work that needed to get done today, starting with the speaking engagement first thing this morning, and due to wind up with a business dinner this evening. In between, he’d had reports like this one to review, phone calls to return, employees to meet with, and plans to make for an upcoming trip to visit several of the properties in his region.
But it was as if all of his brain function had become stuck in quicksand ever since the all-too-brief encounter with the constant object of his desire – Tessa.
He shut his eyes, rubbing at a tense spot at the back of his neck. Christ, what a muddled-up mess this entire situation was with the woman he’d become positively obsessed with over the past two years. Ian thought rather sourly at times that he ought to have followed his instincts the first time he’d seen her, and arranged for a swift transfer to another department where he wouldn’t have to see her every day. It might not have completely stopped his infatuation with her, but he would have had an easier time of it day to day.
But he’d been too weak – or too kind, not wanting to hurt the girl’s feelings – and as a result had condemned himself to the hell of having to see his golden girl every day and know she was not his to claim.
Ian was usually able to keep his attraction towards Tessa well under wraps, never betraying even a hint of it to anyone. But today he’d come perilously close to letting her know just how much he desired her, to dragging her into his arms and kissing her senseless. For starters.
She was wearing one of his favorite dresses today – the pale peach one with tiny white polka dots. The silky fabric clung lovingly to her ripe breasts, the belt nipping in at her small waist, and the skirt draping softly over her gently curving hips. The color flattered her creamy skin and golden hair, and she looked as delicious as a sweet, juicy peach. Tessa didn’t wear perfume – probably because she couldn’t afford such an indulgence – but he could still recall the light floral scent that clung to her dewy skin, probably her soap or body lotion. He had wanted nothing more than to bury his face against the side of her neck, inhaling that sweet, fleeting scent, before exploring other, more intimate parts of her lush body.
Under normal circumstances, he would have maintained the very formal, impersonal air that he always did in her presence. Acting the role of a stuffy, pompous ass was Ian’s way of ensuring that Tessa never suspected his overwhelming attraction for her. But it wasn’t often that he found himself entirely alone with her, without a half dozen or more people in the same room, and he’d eased up on his cool, distant behavior for a few precious minutes. She’d been nearly impossible to resist, so sweet and shy and vulnerable, and he’d found himself speaking to her gently, smiling at her reassuringly.
His traitorous thoughts refused to let go of the memory of how it had felt – albeit very briefly – to have her lush body pressed up against his earlier today. His arm still burned from where one round, firm breast had been crushed against it. If he closed his eyes he could still feel the warm, silky skin of her arm where his hand had wrapped around it to steady her. He’d been close enough to notice the charming blush on her cheeks, the wide roundness of her china blue eyes, and the way that decadently full mouth had trembled slightly. He didn’t know if she was physically attracted to him, or simply terrified, but she had definitely been aware. And the knowledge of her reaction to him had given him a least a small measure of satisfaction.
‘What an ass you are, mate,’ he chastised himself. ‘So pathetically grateful for any imagined little response from her. You’re ten times worse than a schoolgirl with a mad crush on her favorite movie star. And just as hopeless.’
The feeling that something bad was going to happen had gradually subsided as the day went on, and by the time Tessa got off the bus two blocks from her apartment, she was very nearly convinced that her premonitions had been all wrong. This was in spite of the fact that she hadn’t received any sort of text or phone message from Peter confirming that he’d arrived home safely. She had reasoned that omission away by assuring herself that he was undoubtedly exhausted after such a long flight, and had probably fallen asleep as soon as he’d walked in the door.
And then any worries she might have still been harboring flew away the moment she walked through the door of their apartment. The sound of one of Peter’s favorite songs – Hemorrhage by Fuel – greeted her as she dropped her purse and slipped out of her shoes, leaving them by the tiny entryway table as was her norm.
“Hey, Tess.”
Tessa smiled broadly and rushed to give her husband an eager hug. “Hey, yourself. I was starting to worry when I didn’t hear from you. What time did you get in?”
Peter gave her a quick hug in return and pressed a kiss against her forehead. “I actually arrived in early this morning. We probably just missed each other.”
Her smile faded rapidly as he gently disengaged her arms from about his neck. “What? I had no idea you were getting in so early. Why didn’t you let me know?”
He shrugged, the shaggy, uneven ends of his light brown hair now long enough to reach his shoulders. “I was flying standby and literally didn’t get on the flight until the last minute, so no time to text you before I left. And then when I got here I was pretty wiped out, I guess, plus I had some stuff to take care of. Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay,” she assured him. “It’s just – I’ve been a little unsettled today. I woke up with one of those weird premonitions – you know, it is a Wednesday after all. And I always worry when you have a long flight home from some of those places you travel to.”
Peter gave her hand a squeeze. “Well, I’m okay, as you can see. Come on, I ordered pizza and it just arrived. Let’s eat while it’s hot.”
Tessa frowned as she removed her cardigan and hung it on a wall peg in the entryway. “I had already defrosted some chicken – thought I’d make that tortilla casserole you like. Are you sure getting pizza was a good idea? Things are a little tight for a few more days until I get paid.”
He was already taking plates from one of their very few kitchen cabinets. “It’s fine, Tess. Three of my stories from the last trip all sold and I deposited the check today. The chicken will keep. Sit down and take it easy.”
Reassured, she sat across from him at their tiny table for two and eagerly reached for a slice of the mushroom and olive pizza that was her favorite. “Thanks, it looks delicious. It was really nice of you to order it.”
Peter chucked her gently on the chin. “You deserve it. I know how hard you work, Tess, and how seldom you treat yourself to anything. And it’s just a pizza, for God’s sake.”
She took a bite, savoring the warm melted cheese and thin crispy crust. “Mmm, it’s awesome. Much better than chicken.”
“Yeah, I admit I’ve been craving it myself. Too many weeks of one form or another of noodles and vegetables. But that’s what comes from traveling through Asia as often as I do.”
He told her about his most recent trip while they ate, and she listed as always with rapt attention. Peter was a master storyteller, whether in written or oral context, and she loved to hear his numerous tales. If she couldn’t travel to these far-off, exotic places herself, then hearing his stories and reading his reports almost made her feel as though she was there herself.
Peter cleaned up the kitchen while Tessa took a quick shower. Normally she showered at the office after her daily workout at the employee gym, but she’d been in a rush to get home to Peter and had skipped working out today.
She’d been so happy to see him, had rushed inside the apartment so quickly, that she hadn’t noticed his still unpacked bags until she reentered the living room after her shower. Tessa frowned as she towel dried her hair, especially when she realized there were a good half dozen bags piled together. Peter never took more than two bags with him on a trip, and he was usually always meticulous about unpacking not
long after arriving home.
“Why haven’t you unpacked?” she asked, an uneasy feeling starting to overtake her once again. The premonitions she’d felt upon waking this morning were returning in full force and then some.
Peter shoved his hands into the pockets of his baggy cargo pants, a sure sign he was feeling agitated. “Because I’ve got to leave again. Soon.”
Tessa stared at him in dismay. “What? I don’t understand. Why would the agency fly you all the way home from Cambodia just to send you back out again so soon? Especially with the tight budget they always have you on.”
The international news agency that Peter worked for was notoriously cheap. The flights they scheduled for him always involved multiple stops and connections, and the accommodations they booked for him were anything but first class. But he’d always considered those drawbacks a small price to pay for being able to do the work he loved.
Peter’s thin mouth tightened into an even narrower line. “Tess, let’s sit down, okay? We have some stuff to talk about.”
Her legs suddenly felt wobbly, and the pizza she’d so eagerly devoured was beginning to turn to acid in her stomach. “Peter, you’re starting to freak me out,” she told him in a pleading little voice. “What’s going on?”
“Sit down and I’ll tell you.” His voice was gentle but firm.
She sank down onto the futon that had originally been their bed, until they’d finally been able to afford a real one. She was starting to tremble, and wrapped her arms around her torso in an effort to quell the tremors.
“Peter, please. I’ve got a really bad feeling about this now. What’s wrong?”
He sat down next to her, taking her hands in his, his expression solemn. “I’ve got a new job, Tess. A hell of a lot better than this lousy gig. Better pay and actual benefits, a regular salary, living allowance. I’ve got to fly to New York to go through a two-week orientation before I actually start work.”
Tessa almost laughed with relief. She had been convinced he was going to tell her something awful, but instead it was really, really good news. “But that’s fantastic, Peter! I’m so happy for you!”
She flung her arms around his neck, hugging him close. Tessa pressed a kiss on his cheek, hoping, wishing, that tonight he might actually return her affections, might be able to make love to her for the first time in months.
But her hopes were dashed when he once again gently disengaged himself from her embrace and moved a short distance away from her. He kept her hands firmly clasped in his. “Thanks, Tess. It’s a great opportunity, exactly what I’ve wanted for a really long time. And I’m glad to know you’re happy for me. Though I’m guessing you won’t be when you hear all the details.”
Tessa regarded her husband warily. “What sort of details?”
Peter sighed, and ran a hand through his unruly hair. “The job is based in the Middle East,” he told her quietly. “That’s going to be my new territory. No more Asian trips.”
She gave a small shrug. “Is that a bad thing? I mean, how much longer are the flights to and from the Middle East than they were to Asia?”
He paused, as though choosing his words very carefully. “You don’t get it, Tess. I’m going to be based in the Middle East. Bahrain, to be exact. I’ll be relocating there, living there full time.”
Tessa felt like she’d taken a blow to the solar plexus, and struggled suddenly to breathe. “So – so we’re moving? Leaving San Francisco and moving to Bahrain?”
He shook his head. “Not we – me. I can’t take you with me, Tess. That’s not part of the job offer. I’ll be sharing a residence with three other journalists and photographers. And even if that wasn’t the set-up there’s no way I’d leave you alone for weeks on end over there. It’s a very different world for a female in the Middle East. You wouldn’t be able to get a decent job or go out and about anytime you wanted. Bahrain is a more modern country in that part of the world, but you still wouldn’t have the sort of freedom you have here and would have to be very careful all the time. I’d worry about you constantly every time I was away.”
The tears were beginning to well up hotly behind her eyes. “I’d be okay,” she whispered. “I’ll do whatever is necessary, just as long as I can go with you, so we can be together.”
“No, Tess. It wouldn’t be any kind of life for you. You’d be almost like a prisoner every time I was away,” he explained. “And I’m expecting to be away for even longer stretches than I am now – maybe a month or two at a time – places like Syria and Egypt and Iraq.”
The tears starting tracking slowly down her cheeks. “So – so how often will you be able to come home to see me?” she asked, her voice breaking.
Peter closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I get two weeks off each quarter.”
“That’s it?” she cried. “I’ll only get to see you eight weeks a year?”
“No. Let me finish. I’m not coming back to San Francisco. When I leave – that’s it. We need to end this, Tess. It’s way past time for that and we both know it. I’ve bided my time, tried to be patient, and even hoped that you’d finally be the one to throw in the towel, realize that neither of us can live this way any longer. But I finally realized that you’d never be the one to make the first move. So it’s up to me to end this thing, to make that decision for us. And that’s what I’ve finally found the guts to do. For your sake, Tess.”
She was weeping openly now, hiding her face in her hands as her body shook with sobs. “Please don’t do this,” she begged. “Don’t leave me, Peter. I don’t care if I can only see you a few weeks a year. Just don’t leave me alone forever.”
He took her into his arms gently, easing her head onto his shoulder. “Shh. Take it easy, okay? You know we have to do this, Tessa. We should have ended things a long time ago. This – what we have here – it isn’t a marriage and it never has been, not really. You know it as well as I do. And it’s never been fair to you for even one day.”
“That’s not true,” she protested weakly. “We have a good marriage. We love each other. You’ve been so good to me, Peter, taken care of me for so long. I – I can’t do this by myself.”
“You’re wrong, Tess. You’ve been taking care of yourself for almost two years now, every time I go away. And you’ve been doing great. I know you’re going to do just fine on your own,” he reassured her confidently.
She shook her head, clinging to his hand desperately. “That’s different. I always knew you were coming home soon. And we Skyped and texted and emailed. Are we – can we still keep – “
“No. At least not as often. You need to start over, Tess, to break the ties and finally have a real life, a real relationship. Not all the crap you’ve had to put up with for so long with me.”
“We do – I do -” she began to protest.
Peter stared at her in disbelief. “No, we don’t, Tess, and we never have. I’ve never been able to give you what you need and I doubt I ever will. You deserve so much more than what little I can give you.”
“I don’t care,” she told him fervently. “I’m perfectly happy with the way things are.”
“Bullshit. Come on, you’re a beautiful, healthy, normal twenty-four year old woman. Every time we’re out together I see the way guys look at us. They’re all wondering how a pathetic geek like me landed someone as hot as you, wonder what the hell you see in me.”
“Who cares what anyone else thinks?” asked Tessa passionately. “Our feelings are the only ones that matter.”
“Exactly. And I’ve always felt like an asshole for not being able to give you what you really need.” He squeezed her hand. “You know how fucked up I am, Tess. Everything that happened to me – it’s not something I can forget or get over that easily. I’m not sure I’ll ever really be normal or have a normal relationship. And I’m not going to make you suffer because of that any longer.”
“I don’t care about any of that,” she insisted. “All I care about is being with you.”
&nb
sp; “Well, I care,” Peter stated firmly. “How do you think it makes me feel knowing that I’m not giving you what you need – that I can’t ever be the man you deserve? I feel like a total shit and certainly not like any sort of real man. So this has to happen, Tessa. For my sake as well as yours.”
She slumped against the back of the futon, her limbs limp and lifeless. “How am I going to cope without you, Peter?” she whispered brokenly. “I’m so afraid of being alone. You’re all I have.”
He twined a lock of her damp hair around his fingers, a habit he’d picked up years ago. “You’re going to be fine, Tessa. You’re so much stronger than you think, you just don’t see it now. And one day you’ll meet a guy who truly deserves you – one who can finally give you everything you need – a real marriage, a baby.”
“I don’t want anyone else,” she protested. “You’re all I’ve ever needed.”
“You’ve been the best wife any man could ever hope for – sweet, loyal, patient. You’ve never complained once about how crappy everything has been, how little we’ve had and how hard we’ve had to work. And you’ll always be my best friend. Forever.” He kissed her softly on the temple. “But it’s time for you to finally live, Tessa – really live, and not this shitty half-life we’ve been pretending to have for so long.”
Tessa choked on another sob and dashed away a fresh onslaught of tears with the back of her hand. “So what – what happens now?”
“I visited an old college friend this morning – you remember Kyle?” At Tessa’s nod, he continued. “He’s finishing up law school here in San Francisco and working part-time at some big firm. He offered to draw up papers for us, do all the busy work, and then get one of the attorneys to sign off on them.”
“Papers?” she asked in confusion.
“Divorce papers,” he confirmed gently. “Kyle will have them sent here for you to sign, and then you just return them to him. He’ll take care of forwarding them to me.”
“Oh, my God.” Tessa pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapping her arms around her shins. “God, are we really getting a divorce? It sounds so final.”
Covet (Splendor Book 1) Page 31
