The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay - Volume 1: Gallery of Rogues

by Mike Cervantes

  “Supplemental. Some executive from the main office sent them down. It is something to do about a brand new law.”

  “What brand new law?”

  “Sorry guv, I deliver the news, I don’t read it.” The paperboy picked up his paper stack and began to shuffle away.

  “You get what you pay for, I suppose,” Thaddeus unfolded the extra scrap of paper, looked down at it, and tuned white as a ghost.

  In the back of his mind, Thaddeus considered still working on maintaining the composure he knew Mary Jane would want of him. By the time he thought this, however, he had already dashed back to the Preston estate huffing and whooping about what was written on the paper. Mary Jane took a moment from her housecleaning to stroll over and stop her husband’s rampaging entrance by holding his jittering person down by the shoulders.

  “What’s the matter, dear?”

  “He’s done it. By jiminy he’s done it!”

  Mary Jane took a respite from comforting her husband long enough to give him a quite violent shaking, attempting to restore his senses, “Now, again I ask what on Earth is the matter?”

  Thaddeus raised the sheet in his hands. Indeed it was a supplement from the paper, one that read ‘WANTED’ at the top and had two detailed drawings of The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay underneath.

  Mary Jane took the paper and read it out loud. “By royal proclamation of the Duchess Wilhemina de Nodont, the two vigilantes known as The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay are hereby considered fugitives at large and are to be brought in for a 5,000 pound reward each.” Mary Jane blinked at the paper “But why?”

  “Officially, it is due to the fact the Duchess blames us for encouraging Silas’ criminal ways.”

  “I assume you have another theory, dear?”

  “Of course I do. That malformed misanthrope used our deductive skills to ascend to royalty and turn the tables on us, the clever bounder, should I see him next I will ring his virtually non-existent granite neck!”

  “We’re not down and out yet!” Mary Jane said sternly, “Perhaps the Constable can be of some help.”

  O O O

  “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid it is legitimate.” Constable O’Gratin said as he looked over the newly written law on his desk “The Duchess of Nodont is adamant about putting The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay behind bars.”

  “But it doesn’t make any sense, Constable,” Thaddeus replied, “You can’t just shift the law on the will of a royal alone.”

  “Ordinarily I wouldn’t,” the Constable sighed. “But The Duchess happens to be a very large benefactor of the police force. She also owns a lot of public land and she can easily deem the presence of the Derby and Jay on any part of her property as trespassing.”

  “There has to be something that we can do,” Mary Jane said pointedly.

  “Yes, we can’t allow a monarch to dictate the very letter of law,” Thaddeus added. “It’s undemocratic! Think of all the good that The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay have done for the public.”

  The Constable groaned again. “Listen, I know the two of you are concerned about The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay, but there’s nothing I can do right now. We’re negotiating this with parliament in a few days, and I will be speaking on their behalf, but it’s going to take some time. Meanwhile, The Duchess’ edict is still law. If you can contact The Derby and Jay, my best advice would be simply to tell them to lay low.”

  O O O

  A couple days had passed since Thaddeus and Mary Jane attempted to gain the Constable’s aid, wherein the duo attempted to take his advice and attempt to live as ordinary citizens. Mary Jane busied herself with household chores and tea. Every day. For two solid days. It was making her very antsy, but she felt much more concern for her husband, whose distractedness only seemed to be getting worse for lack of crime fighting. He’d shuffle out of bed with a sock on his hand, or his vest turned inside out, and she’d find him doing the strangest things like eating a croissant with a knife and fork or turning the radio on to static. Thankfully he hadn’t succeeded in blowing anything up within his lab, though she wondered if that was also an abnormal thing for her husband to do.

  Thaddeus walked upstairs from his basement laboratory, and sat in his chair, crossing his legs. Mary Jane glanced at him for any immediate strangeness. It seemed like the coast was clear. “How is your work treating you?”

  “Just terribly, dear, I don’t think I’ve had a revolutionary thought all day.” Thaddeus shifted heavily in his seat. “I’ve also checked the crime alert monitor several times. The Three-Headed Mob has been hitting up church raffles for protection money. Also, Mother Mandrake is in town and she’s been robbing the municipal banks in order of ascending importance.”

  “Hm. Pity.” Mary Jane sighed. “Any word from The Constable yet?”

  “The re-establishment of our legal status has fallen behind concerns about taxation of baked goods and the recent shoe polish shortage.” Thaddeus hunched forward in his chair, resting his head in his hand, which in turn rested on one of his knees. Tilting sideways to his wife he asked “So this is what normal is like.”

  “Indeed. Isn’t it awful?”

  Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Mary Jane left her frustrated husband to open the door a crack, speak with the person on the other side, close the door and return, holding a piece of paper in her hand.

  “Who was that?” Thaddeus asked.

  After a bit of stunned silence, Mary Jane replied “Would you believe it was the paperboy?”

  “You have no idea what I wouldn’t believe,” Thaddeus chuckled. “What did he want?”

  “They have been handing out this bulletin in the neighborhood, and he didn’t want you to miss out on yours because you hadn’t taken the paper this morning. It says: Dear citizenry, I am in desperate need to reach out to The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay, meet me at stately Haversham Manor under cover of darkness, signed, a concerned citizen.”

  “So what this concerned citizen is suggesting,” Thaddeus paused mulling over the statement in his deductive mind “Is that we should come to their aid on the grounds of the Duchess’ own mansion where we could very easily be captured and arrested without a doubt to our attempt to trespass and potentially do harm to her for banning us?”

  “It sounds like a very obvious trap,” Mary Jane agreed “But it’s also possible that The Duchess herself is this concerned citizen, and she’s being coerced by Silas to speed up the process of our arrest.”

  Thaddeus raised his lip into a smirk. The cynicism on his face was obvious. “It isn’t worth it. Even if our predictions are completely false, Silas Monstrosity will be present and will not be without a plan to do us both in for good.”

  “Very well, dear, we won’t go. You can sit in your chair with chemist’s block, and I’ll re-alphabetize the library.”

  Thaddeus instantly stood up and moved back towards his workshop. “I’ll go get changed.”

  O O O

  And so, in enough time as it takes to tell, The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay found themselves climbing into one of the back windows of Haversham Manor.

  “It’s a shame, really,” The Jay said glibly to her husband “that we took all that time trying to cross the fence over the garden and creep between the trees over the soft grass to approach the back door, only to turn around and discover that the guards at the back gate have already been knocked out.”

  “Indeed,” The Derby replied. “I’d wager a guess that the guards at the front gate had been similarly subdued.”

  “You don’t suppose that in addition to a hostage to rescue, we have a guardian angel looking out for us.”

  “I wouldn’t bet on it,” The Derby scoffed. “If anything this is simply Silas showing us that he doesn’t want things to end so easily.”

  The two heroes slid in, gently shutting the window behind them. The hallway, polished to a marble shine, and covered wall to wall with lovely antiques as fitting a royal manor, was completely empt
y and silent. Both the Derby and Jay looked upwards in anticipation of some ninjas or foot soldiers, but sadly the halls were empty.

  “I’m beginning to feel cheated,” The Jay said, annoyed.

  The Derby gave a leer. “There’s certainly something amiss. We’re being led, obviously, but the manner in which we’re being led doesn’t seem at all like our old arch enemies’ style.”

  Not seeing anything in the parlor, the two of them rounded the corner and climbed the stairs. They heard a crash, and both looked up at the ceiling. Once the windows started to make little pin-drop taps they realized they’d heard the thunder before an incoming rainstorm.

  “The whole place seems empty,” The Jay concluded.

  “Well, the best way to lure us into a trap would be to let us walk ourselves into a corner,” the Derby replied “care to start trying doors?”

  “Sure, you take east, and I’ll take west.”

  The first bedroom door swung open. The Derby stuck his hat on the end of his long cane into the room before his put in his own head. The room was empty. He turned back to The Jay. “Have you found anything?”

  He saw the Jay standing in the middle of the hallway. She had one hand over her lips, and she was stifling laughter. The Derby went to her side, and upon seeing what was in the room, he cleared his throat before he began to chuckle as well.

  “Is that?” he asked.

  She nodded, and put her head on The Derby’s shoulder, so she could continue to hide her face as she chuckled.

  “That’s,” The Derby paused and chuckled harder, “that has to be the biggest Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit I’ve ever seen.”

  Indeed, standing in the room just a couple feet from the delighted duo, dressed to the nines in sailor-trimmed Dutch dressings was their arch-enemy Silas Monstrosity. His arms were crossed and a toe impatiently tapped the ground as he waited for the laughter to come to an end, which wouldn’t be soon as whenever he tapped his foot the delicate blonde curls on his head would bounce up and down.

  “All right, all right,” Silas impatiently growled “I think you have gotten to the bottom of this little caper by now.”

  “If we haven’t I think you’ve got some explaining to do,” The Derby chortled.

  “I think Silas is referring to the fact that if this was in fact HIS crime, he certainly wouldn’t be doing it dressed like, well, like THAT!” The Jay wailed, sending the both of them back into another fit of hysterics.

  “That’s right,” Silas replied drolly “It was my intention to reveal these family ties to you by slipping a genuine birth certificate into my criminal record. The Duchess was willing to restore my status in the Court of Nodont on the condition that I become her willing servant.”

  The Derby cleared his throat, sobering up significantly before saying, “Seems that your bargain has become a bit one-sided, if that’s what you’re implying.”

  “The social expectations, the menial chores, and even THIS ridiculous get-up, are all things I can manage just fine,” Silas retorted “I summoned the two of you here because an even more dastardly crime is afoot.”

  “A crime that even you dislike? That must truly be diabolical.” The Jay replied.

  Suddenly, The Derby and Jay felt two wide hands approach either side of their heads. The two brawny hooks wasted no time in pushing the duo’s heads together, knocking them out on impact. The room went black.

  The Derby awoke to the familiar smell of Ammonium Carbonate being waved right under his nose. He jumped awake, and felt a downward tug on his lapels, giving him the familiar sensation of being tied up. Turning his head to the side he saw his wife’s shoulder and concluded they were tied back-to-back seated in a pair of simple wooden chairs. Once his vision was able to focus he saw Silas Monstrosity.

  “Silas, you recalcitrant cheater,” The Derby erupted “I knew you’d spring like a viper the very moment we let our guard down, and to think I almost believed I could trust you!”

  “We can trust him dear,” The Jay replied. “He’s not the one who assaulted us.”

  “He’s not? But who did?”

  “I did,” The voice was booming yet feminine. The Derby had only heard it once before, and indeed once she came into view, he was certain.

  “The Duchess Wilhelmina de Nodont,” the Derby sneered. “It didn’t take at all long for you to fall into familial habits.”

  “Don’t mistake me for my faint-hearted brother, hero.” The Duchess reached a plump hand to stroke along the bottom of The Derby’s chin. “He kept the two of you in fighting condition simply because he considered you his rivals. I on the other hand, am going to make sure you’re instantly and permanently eliminated.”

  “But what do you gain from putting us out of the way?” The Jay asked.

  “I have everything to gain!” The Duchess chortled as she stepped back and unfurled a silk fan, demurely covering her face. “The decree that has turned the two of you into criminals is only the beginning. One parliament takes my decree into law, The Royal Court of Nodont will receive jurisdiction over all of London and the entirety of the police force. I will become the lawful arm of the entire British monarchy, answerable only to The Queen herself!”

  “Without us or heroes like us to keep the citizens from opposing your power,” The Jay said coldly.

  “Really, dear, you should be thanking me. Now you can live a life free of this mask,” The Duchess reached a hand, nearing The Jay’s face.

  Suddenly, The Jay tipped over, landing on her side. She yelped, not expecting the fall. She looked back at her husband. “What was that?”

  “Sorry, dear. I had to tilt us on our side to prevent her from unmasking you.” The Derby replied.

  “That’s all well and good, but I’m afraid I have little practice escaping from this position.” The Jay sighed.

  The Duchess clicked her tongue at the duo, “Just look at the two of you, rebellious to the very end. Even if you were loose of those ropes, we’re all locked in this room until the police arrive, and I’ve already overpowered you once.”

  “I think she has us there.” The Derby said worriedly.

  “Not quite.” The Jay replied. Twisting her head as far as it would turn in the other direction. “Silas, what are you waiting for? Help us out of these ropes so we can thwart The Duchess.”

  “I can’t,” Silas said. There was a strange look of fear and concern crossed his deformed face. “I-I can’t go back on my end of the deal!”

  “The deal has been altered,” The Jay replied. “I know you want us out of the way, but it can’t be like this. If you don’t act now, she will turn your beloved London into a self-serving police state. So go on, stand up to your big sister!”

  “Don’t listen to her, Silas!” The Duchess shouted back. “The outside world thinks you’re nothing but a villain and a monster. Just let me have my way and you’ll be a respected citizen by my side.”

  Needless to say, the once-and-future most reviled villain in all of London suddenly found himself at a complete moral standstill. After all the potential to be recognized for his royal blood and the right to rule over a significant part of her majesty’s land was honestly what he’d hoped for all along. The pair of do-gooders who always thwarted him were naturally going to talk him out of it, and by the end put him in the same place as he was before.

  He glanced up, startled at the sight of his sister fitting a pair of brass knuckles. She was ready to swing her armored fists into The Derby’s temple when Silas met her blow with an open palm, stopping her assault. “Sorry, Sister, but I’m afraid they’re right: I can’t let you do this.”

  “You’re a hypocrite for saving them,” The Duchess said venomously, struggling to get her hands free of her brother’s brawny grip.

  “I am not!” Silas chided. “You’re not improving on my methods. You’re not interested in sharing your rule. You’ve been coercing me so you can have dominion of London to yourself. I’m not keen on being your secondary ruler, especially while
dressed in this frightful parody of fashion.”

  As the two argued, The Derby and Jay remained tied to a pair of sideways-turned chairs. The Derby glanced in the direction of the squabbling and groaned. “They’re certainly a spirited pair of youngsters, aren’t they?”

  “One wonders where their parents are in all of this,” the Jay added, rolling her eyes.

  “So, I assume you almost have us out of these ropes,” The Derby stated.

  “You assume right,” The Jay replied. “I’ve managed to slowly budge my umbrella nearby with my fingertips, and I’m currently using the switch blade in the hilt to saw away at the rope.”

  “Aren’t you glad I suggested you add that switchblade?” The Derby said with a hint of gloating in his tone.

  “Not now, dear...” The Jay said sternly as she flexed her shoulders, popping the ropes loose.

  The Jay stood up, her hands balled into fists making a bee-line towards the offending duchess, “Stand aside, Silas! This is a fight between us women!” She lunged for the Duchess and as soon as the two began brawling, Silas let go of his sister’s hands and casually strolled over to stand at the side of the Derby.

  “I’m assuming The Jay took that attempted unmasking a bit personally,” The Derby said, as he dusted off the lapels of his outfit.

  Silas replied, “It seems so, but I’m glad The Jay is here. Otherwise I may have had to resort to hitting a lady.”

  “You mean that’s actually a concern for you?” The Derby said, a bit of snide prying in his voice.

  “Of course it is,” Silas scoffed, and straightened his lapels. “I may be the villain-de-jure in this city, but I do have some standards. I hope that, should I actually accomplish my wicked ends, I would actually rule London with a sense of benevolence.”

  “Oh sure, your methods tend to just reek of benevolence,” The Derby replied sarcastically.

  The two sat in, if it weren’t for the struggle between The Jay and the duchess in the background, total silence. After a few moments Silas spoke up again. “You have a very rigid sense of right and wrong, don’t you, Derby?”

  “I take pride in it,” The Derby said confidently.