“Not to that part.” She gave him a cynical look, and then he recalled the remainder of their conversation and winced. “I have much to atone for, but I must deal with my mother first.”
Eleanor’s look softened. She bit into a watercress sandwich and sipped her tea. “What would you like to say? What’s at the core of it?”
Eleanor possessed a rare ability to get to the heart of the matter. “Well…I don’t want to deny that I was hurt by her leaving. And taking Adam with her—”
“You’re not going to say you forgive her, are you?” Eleanor’s head was canted, her mouth tilted up at one corner.
“Of course not. Though it may not have been obvious, I did learn something from our talk at the inn.”
She continued to study him. “Very well. Pray, continue.”
Suddenly, he was weary of the whole thing. Perhaps this was a fool’s errand and he should abandon it. If Eleanor thought so little of his ability to humble himself before his mother, maybe it was a mistake. “Bloody hell—my pardon—should I give up this scheme and simply resume a normal relationship with her? She would accept that, I know.”
“You mean give up on bringing things out in the open? Yes, do that, Hugh. Much better to pretend none of it ever happened.” It took him a moment to see the cynicism in her words and expression.
He laughed, shaking his head. “What, then?”
“Go on with what you were saying. ‘You don’t want to deny you were hurt, but.’ That’s where I interrupted.”
“Tell her I discovered the truth. That I read the letters, which I’d never received. And the rest of it.”
“And?”
“That I’m truly sorry for blaming her all these years. Her and Adam. That I understand now, as an adult, what an impossible situation my father had placed her in.” He glanced at Eleanor. Their eyes locked.
“Oh, Hugh, yes. That’s exactly it. I’m so sorry I didn’t pay attention when you confided this to me at the inn. What wasted years for you and your family! Now you have the chance to make it all right.”
Every instinct told him to pull her into his arms, kiss her, and tell her she was a huge part of why he wanted to reconcile with his mother. He’d like to do much more than that, but he knew she wasn’t ready and would most likely shove him away. He had to go slowly with her or risk losing her for good. So he ignored those instincts and got to his feet. “I must be on my way.”
“Yes. And take the sandwiches and buns to eat on your journey. You’ll be starving by the time you reach London.” She called to Mary to wrap up the food.
Eleanor walked outside with him. “Your house. Has it always looked like this? With the risk of giving offense, I have to say it resembles a terrace in Town.”
She laughed. “My mother insisted on a new facade a few years back. The style was her idea. I’m not offended. I agree with you.” She paused a moment, as though gathering her thoughts. “Someday I must tell you of her role in all of this, but not now.”
He’d no idea to what she referred, but she was right. It must wait, like so many other matters. A groom brought out his horse. Before mounting, he leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Good-bye, Eleanor. My thanks for your wise counsel.”
Her face bore a slight flush. “I shall see you in a few days, then. Safe travels.”
…
After Hugh left, Eleanor decided a stroll about the park would be just the thing. She felt an odd restlessness she hadn’t experienced in some time, and it had to do with Hugh. With herself and Hugh, and what they were to each other.
His intention to apologize to his mother had touched her more than she wished to admit. She was pleased beyond reason that he understood it was he who owed his mother an apology, not the reverse. That was exactly what Eleanor wanted from him. An apology. Oh, he’d indirectly apologized by saying he’d been a fool. That he said idiotic things. But in her mind, those words did not constitute a true apology for wounding her so deeply. For threatening to separate her and Lili.
She sensed in him a desire to revert to their previous close connection, and, God knew, she wanted that, too. But, remembering her anguish, she needed some further proof that he was not the sort of man who was vindictive and spiteful, always laying the blame on the other party. He was repairing his relationship with his mother. Would he ever do so with her? Did he want to?
Until she had proof, she couldn’t risk her heart again. It was too painful.
…
Hugh made it to London in late afternoon and presented himself at his brother’s door. Wesley let him in, took his hat, gloves, and whip. The house was oddly quiet. “Where is everybody, Wesley?”
“Mr. Grey is out on Parliamentary business, and Mrs. Grey—the younger Mrs. Grey— is making calls, I believe. Your mother said to send you up to the drawing room when you arrived.”
Hugh nodded and made his way upstairs. His stomach felt as if grasshoppers were jumping around inside it. He needed to get this right. It was the crucial first step in mending everything wrong in his life.
Deborah must have heard him, because she was standing, hands folded at her waist, when he entered the room. He walked directly to her and bowed. Then he grasped her hand and kissed her cheek. “Hello, Mama,” he said.
“Hello, Hugh. You haven’t called me ‘Mama’ in years.” Her eyes were bright, but encouraging.
“No, I have not. But that’s going to change, I hope.” He gestured to the sofa. “Let’s sit down.”
Deborah smoothed her skirts, a nervous gesture, and waited for Hugh to begin. “I’m not sure where to start. Probably with the letters.”
She appeared puzzled. “The letters?”
He nodded. “The ones you wrote to me after you and Adam left Longmere. Father had never given them to me, you see.”
Deborah held herself quite still. “I was afraid that was the case.”
“His desk is one of the few pieces of furniture I kept from the original house. I had it moved into my study. It was filled with his things, and I found a bundle of letters in the bottom drawer.”
“How cruel you must have thought me. To leave you and fail to write or visit.”
“You can’t imagine…” Choking up, he paused to collect himself. “To read them was a revelation. For the first time, I knew you had cared about me. You loved me and had tried to see me. Before, I’d always believed you’d left without a backward glance.”
“Never. I missed you constantly, cried myself to sleep most nights. So did Adam, though he’d probably never admit it.”
“You asked me about such mundane things. Was I keeping up with my studies. Barring the pig from the house. Little things, just the kinds of things a mother would concern herself with, if she were there. Through the letters, you wanted me to feel your presence.”
“Yes. To think you did not see them when you most needed to…”
“In a way, perhaps I can appreciate them more fully as a grown man. They mean so much to me now, probably more so than they would have when you wrote them.”
“And yet I hoped they would comfort you at the time I left.”
“You wrote to tell me about the baby. How did you bear it?” Hugh reached out and grasped his mother’s hands.
“I held close what I had. My other son. And my mother and father were still living then and were a great comfort to me.” Tears welled from Deborah’s eyes. “I told myself I would not cry, but I can’t help it, dearest.”
Hugh was fighting back his own tears. “No matter. I came to apologize for judging you so harshly these many years. Can you ever forgive me?”
There was a silence for a moment, and then she said, “All that matters is that you come back to us. To Adam and his family, and to me. We love you. We’ve missed you so. There is nothing to forgive.”
Hugh pulled out a handkerchief, and after blotting his own face, offered it to his mother. “I want to be part of this family.”
“And that is what we want. Hugh, I hope you don’t mind, but A
dam told me I have another grandchild. May I meet her?”
He chuckled. “Lili. You’ll love her. I thought she would look like Eleanor, but miraculously, she resembles me.”
“Eleanor Broxton? Do you have plans to wed, dear?”
Hugh sobered. He certainly did, but was that what Eleanor wanted? She was keeping him at a distance, and he wasn’t sure how to recover what they’d had before he found out about Lili. “I love her, Mama. I intend to propose, but I’ve wronged her in too many ways to enumerate. I mean to do whatever I can to make up for my sins and persuade her to marry me.”
“If you love her, you’ll find a way.”
“I wish I could be sure.”
“There are many ways to show your love, Hugh. You’ll sort it out, if it means so much to you.”
He nodded. When Adam and Cass arrived home, they found Hugh and Deborah still talking, dark head and light close together, in the drawing room. Kit’s nursemaid brought him in, reminding Hugh of Lili. And Pippa, Cass’s younger sister, who lived with them, also made an appearance.
But in the main, Hugh’s thoughts were fixed in Haslemere. During dinner, he asked Cass about toy shops. He wanted to bring Lili a surprise. He debated whether to do the same for Eleanor, but decided against it. He did not believe he could sway her with trifles.
Chapter Twenty-Five
A few days later
The post brought Eleanor a most unusual missive. After making inquiries, she found out it had not come by post, but had been delivered by a Longmere servant. It was from Hugh.
29 June
Longmere
Dear Miss Broxton,
Sir Hugh Grey respectfully requests the honor of your presence at his home this day, 29 June, in the company of one dark-haired little imp, at four o’clock in the afternoon. Play and conversation are on the schedule, with dinner to be served afterward.
Yours,
H.
Ah. Hugh had returned from London and was requesting her company at his home. He seemed to have every expectation that Eleanor would dance attendance on him. She sighed.
No, that wasn’t fair.
If she were in his position, she would not wish all her visits with Lili to be at the Broxton home. She must tell Hugh he could take Lili away on his own, without her, although he may not be comfortable enough yet in his role as a father to do so.
She supposed they would go. Since Eleanor had temporarily closed her business, she’d been feeling a bit stifled in the daily company of her parents. She’d had so much freedom at her cottage. Now she was required to fit into the customs and habits of the Broxton household. That was not a bad thing for Lili, who needed stability and routine. But it was somewhat constraining for her and reminded her of life before Lili, when she had so craved independence.
That afternoon, Mary helped her pack up some things for Lili—a few toys, books, and a change of clothes. Sarah, who’d accompanied her to Portsmouth, helped Eleanor dress in the primrose sprigged muslin dress she had worn to the Carringtons’ garden party. She looked well in it.
Her father insisted on escorting her to Longmere himself rather than sending a footman. Eleanor toted the basket, and Sir William carried Lili. They walked along in amiable silence. After a few minutes, her father said, “Have you sensed any change in your mother?”
Eleanor was a bit flummoxed and had to gather her thoughts before responding. “Are you referring to her attitude regarding Lili?” The child’s head whipped around when her mother said her name.
“Just so.”
“I have. I’m aware she’s making an effort, especially with her granddaughter. She hasn’t apologized to me, but in word and deed, I can see she’s remorseful. I had told her before we left for Portsmouth that I would hold her accountable if anything happened to Lili.”
“I had a long talk with her. I asked if she wanted to be a lonely old woman or one who shared the love of her family. She wept, Norrie. Kitty wept, something I haven’t seen for years. She said she would far rather have you and Lili as a part of her life than not. Allow her to make up for her offenses in her own way and in her own time. Apologies are difficult for her.”
Yes. Eleanor knew someone else about whom she could say the same. “Very well, Papa. And thank you for everything, for standing by me even though Mama did not approve. You’ve been my rock the last few years.”
He smiled. “What are fathers for, after all?”
Indeed.
Hugh was waiting for them out front. Dressed in buff britches, a pale green waistcoat with gold-thread embroidery, and an indigo coat, he looked devilishly handsome. His hair had been trimmed and was pushed farther away from his face than usual. Eleanor wasn’t sure she liked it that way. A servant appeared and collected the basket, and Eleanor took Lili from her father.
After shaking hands with Hugh and receiving his assurances that he would deliver them home himself, Sir William took his leave.
“It looks lovely, Hugh,” Eleanor said, gesturing toward the newly planted front gardens. Lili wiggled, and Eleanor set her down.
“It’s coming along,” he said. “We must wait until cooler weather for certain plantings, but I’m happy with the progress we’ve made.” He wasn’t looking at her, but rather watching his daughter. “Will she be all right, just wandering like that?”
Eleanor quelled a smile. “We’re here, watching her every move. She’ll be fine.”
“What do you think she would like to do? If you have no objection, I thought I might take her up on my horse. Just walk around a bit.”
“She would love that,” Eleanor said. “I trust you with her.”
…
Hugh took great pleasure at hearing his daughter’s squeals of joy when she was placed on the saddle in front of him, his arm firmly holding her in place. He walked the horse down the driveway, but not so far that they would be out of Eleanor’s sight. She watched them, smiling, sometimes laughing, while Lili repeated over and over, “horse ride” and “I ride horse,” much to Hugh’s delight.
Afterward, Hugh carried Lili upstairs, Eleanor following. “I fitted up a chamber for her,” he said. “Oh, it’s nothing like a real nursery, but somewhere for her to stay when she’s here.” He set Lili down to explore. When he glanced at Eleanor, her mouth was gaping open in surprise.
“You have gone to a great deal of trouble, Hugh. This is a child’s dream.”
“It will do for now.” In truth, he was proud of it. He’d painted it himself, a bright yellow, and a local seamstress had sewed white dimity curtains. A rocking horse sat in one corner, just waiting for a rider, and a crib in another. Newly built shelves had been hung on one wall, where he’d placed books and toys. Tops, whirligigs, puzzles. Knickknacks she was too young for at present, but eventually she would learn how to manipulate them. Lili went straight for the rocking horse.
Eleanor crossed her arms and tapped her foot. “You must have done some shopping in London. Clearly, you are going to spoil this child. You’re aware of that, are you not?”
He smiled sheepishly. “Isn’t that a father’s prerogative?”
“I suppose it is,” Eleanor said, laughing. “Now, didn’t your invitation mention food? I’m starving, and Lili will soon become cranky if she doesn’t eat.”
“Of course,” he said, picking up the child before she could climb on the horse. There was a washstand with a pitcher and bowl in the room, and after Hugh washed his own hands, he helped Lili with hers.
Once downstairs, Hugh said, “My new cook, Mrs. Foster, said she would feed Lili if we wished to dine alone. To talk about everything.” How transparent was that? Would she guess he simply craved the opportunity to be alone with her? While he adored his daughter, that did not detract from the pleasures of her mother.
“Yes, fine,” Eleanor said. “We do need to talk.”
When they were seated at the dining room table, an array of food before them, Hugh dismissed the footman. He served the soup himself, and managed not to spill any o
f it.
“I’ve been wondering, Hugh. Did you and your mother…reach an understanding?”
He set down his spoon. “More than that. I did what you advised. I told her exactly how I’d felt those many years ago, and that my discovery of the letters had changed everything. Then I apologized.”
Eleanor, too, had lowered her spoon and had fixed her gaze on his. “And did she accept your apology?”
“She did.”
Unexpectedly, she reached out and grasped his hand. “I’m very glad for you, Hugh. It’s high time you reconciled with your mother and brother.” Just as he was poised to press her hand against his cheek, she removed it.
“I’m very pleased, and I believe Deborah is, too.” He paused a moment before going on. “She wants to meet Lili. Would it be all right with you if I invited her—and perhaps Adam and his family as well—for a weekend?”
Her face flushed. What had he said to upset her? “That is entirely up to you. You may have Lili as much as you like for that weekend, or any other time, for that matter.”
She may as well have said, “It’s nothing to do with me.” And she would have been right. This was not her home, and the way he’d worded his question made it sound as though it was. “Thank you for that. I appreciate your willingness for me to be a part of her life.” Christ. Now they were back to the stilted formality again.
They ate in an uncomfortable silence, and afterward Hugh suggested they sit in the library for tea. Eleanor went in search of Lili first, and after settling her upstairs for a nap, joined him. A footman brought in the tea, and Hugh poured for her. “You’re quite lovely in that dress, Eleanor. You wore it to the garden party.”
“Yes, I did. Thank you.” She changed the subject. “Your library is every bit as comfortable and cozy as I envisioned. Are you enjoying it?”
“I haven’t had much opportunity yet, but I expect to spend most of my time in this room.”
Unless you were here, and we would instead do wicked things together in the bedchamber.
Her eyes darted away from him, as though she couldn’t bear to look at him.
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