That was enough. He could stand it no longer. “Eleanor, is there no chance for us? Can things between us never be as they were before? I miss you to distraction.” They’d been sitting across from each other, he on an upholstered chair, she on the sofa. He pushed the tea tray away and moved to sit beside her. He did not attempt to touch her.
“You don’t look like yourself with your hair brushed back like that,” she said.
Her response was so surprising, he laughed. “Very well, I’ll fix it. No, better yet, you fix it.” She was studying him closely, as though he were a dissected puzzle she must put together. Then, just when he’d concluded she would not, she lifted her hands and began rearranging his hair. Her touch was electrifying, and he closed his eyes from the pure pleasure of it. She was lifting tendrils of his hair with her fingers and smoothing them into place. He could feel them, and her fingers, lightly brushing his face. Good God, how was he meant to withstand this? He caught her hands in his, opened his eyes, and looked directly into hers.
And then he kissed her. Softly at first. But soon his overwhelming need for her possessed him, and he intensified the kiss, enticing her mouth open. Pulling her close, he moaned her name. “Eleanor. Oh God, Eleanor.” He could kiss her for hours, if she’d allow it. Kiss her back to him. The sweet taste of her, the feel of her satiny tongue sliding into his mouth, the sound of her soft moans drove him to the brink. He wanted her. Oh God, did he want her. His cock was throbbing, and he was tempted to lay her hand against it.
Abruptly, she drew back, placing her hands on his chest and pushing. Leaving him in no doubt of her feelings. “No, Hugh.”
Bloody hell. “You want this, too, Eleanor. Don’t deny it.”
“That may be, but what I want and what is good for me aren’t the same thing.”
“I can make it good for you.” He tried to drag her back to him, but when she resisted, he ceased.
“You know that is not what I meant. What we had before was enjoyable, but—”
“Enjoyable? Enjoyable? That is all it was to you?”
She rose and moved away from the sofa, apparently not trusting him to keep his distance. “Very well. It was more than simply enjoyable. But in the end, it hurt us. Me. I’d rather not go down that path again.”
Losing the tenuous grip he had on his temper, he said, “It wasn’t sleeping together that hurt us. It was the fact that you kept Lili a secret from me. You didn’t trust me enough to tell me about her. You chose a life of endless labor over the one I could have given you and our daughter.”
“Oh? I don’t recall receiving a proposal of marriage from you.”
He got to his feet and raked a hand through the hair Eleanor had just rearranged. “I intended to propose.” Christ, that sounded weak. Why was he so tongue-tied whenever he tried to express his feelings to her? If she’d told him she was expecting his child, he would have proposed immediately. Upon his return to Surrey, if she’d come to him with the news that he was a father, he would have proposed then. Nothing, in fact, would have made him happier. He damn well should have offered Eleanor marriage by now. He should have bloody begged her to marry him, but his rage and resentment had prevented it.
She threw her arms up. “There, you see? You continue to blame me for a situation that was largely beyond my control. We will never agree.” She turned for the door. “It’s time for Lili and me to leave. And I would prefer it if a footman, or Ned Martin, if he is available, walk us home.”
“Damn it, Eleanor. Don’t run off.”
She paused at the door. “I want you to know I am proceeding with my plans to quit Haslemere. I’ve written to my cousins in Devon and asked them to check on cottages available to rent there.”
He must have misheard. “I beg your pardon. Did you say ‘Devon’?”
She placed one hand on her hip in obvious defiance. “I did.”
“But that’s miles away, too far for me to see Lili regularly. Why Devon?”
“My cousins can help spread the word about my business.”
“Hell, handbills can spread the word. Besides, I will be supporting Lili. You won’t need to work as hard as you once did. It feels as if you’re doing this to spite me.”
She looked on the verge of tears. “No, I’m not, I swear. It will simply be easier if I’m not completely alone. I need a few people to rely on.”
Stay here and rely on me.
“Why not somewhere closer? Far enough that you would not be recognized, but close enough for me to visit.”
“I’ll consider it.”
Would she? He supposed that was all she was willing to concede for now. Feeling defeated, he walked over and opened the door for her. There was no point in further discussion of this tonight. “I’ll find Ned. He’s about somewhere.”
“And I’ll fetch Lili. She must be awake by now. These late-day naps are usually of quite short duration.”
Hugh nodded and went in search of his steward.
…
Once at home, Eleanor played with Lili and dressed her for bed. After listening to a few fairy tales and looking at the illustrations, the child’s eyes grew heavy, and Eleanor laid her in her crib and covered her.
The elder Broxtons were out for the evening, thank God. Eleanor didn’t think she could have faced them after the disaster at Longmere. She had come dangerously close to giving in to Hugh, because her attraction to him was so consuming. Was she being a fool? He had not proposed, nor said he loved her; instead, he had brought up what she’d hoped they’d laid to rest. Indeed, she had apologized to him more than once. Eleanor thought he’d gotten over the fact that she had kept Lili a secret for so long.
He’d offered no apology to her, choosing instead to continue to blame her for their impasse. Look how many years it had taken Hugh to reconcile with his mother. Eleanor refused to spend her life continually worrying that the past would rear its ugly head once again and come between them.
He said he’d intended to propose to her. Then why hadn’t he?
It was best that she carry on with her plan to move, and the sooner it could be arranged, the better.
…
Hugh was reclining with his feet on an ottoman, drinking his second brandy and staring into space, when Ned entered the room.
“Help yourself to a drink.”
After Ned had poured himself a finger of brandy, he claimed the chair facing Hugh. “You and Miss Broxton had a falling-out, did you?”
“Yes.” Hugh was in no mood to discuss it.
“I see. She was very quiet on the walk to the Broxton home. In case you were wondering.”
“I was not.”
“Ah.” Ned took a swallow. To Hugh’s consternation, the man was apparently willing to wait him out.
Oh, what the hell. “I can’t… She won’t listen to reason.”
“I see.”
“What is that supposed to mean, ‘I see’?”
Ned set his glass down. “Nothing. You haven’t given me enough information to form an opinion.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake. Eleanor doesn’t want to stay here in Haslemere. She’s determined to take Lili and move to blasted Devon, of all places.”
“Why would she do that?”
“To start over where she’s not known. Evidently she has cousins there upon whom she can rely.” He paused momentarily, rubbing his forehead with both hands. “When I asked her if she would consider somewhere closer, she agreed. But she was just trying to appease me.”
“You don’t wish her to leave Haslemere at all, then. If you don’t mind my asking—”
“It never bodes well when a sentence begins with those words,” Hugh said, casting his friend a baleful eye. “But by all means, continue.”
“What do you want, Hugh? With Eleanor?”
Taken aback by the question, Hugh got to his feet and walked over to the sash windows. Gazing into the darkness, he mulled over a response. “I want to marry her. Not just for Lili’s sake, but because I love her. I lov
e them both.”
“Have you told her as much?”
“Not since I found out about Lili, damn it. I never seem to say the right thing. And then we both become angry, and any chance of telling her how I feel vanishes. And I don’t even know if she loves me.” Perhaps if he hadn’t been so damned vindictive and stubborn, this wouldn’t be the case.
“Maybe you should help her achieve whatever it is that will ensure her peace of mind. Her contentment. If it is leaving here, commit to it. If you dedicate yourself to her happiness, she’ll see how much you love her.”
Hugh made no answer. After a while, he heard Ned leave the room. His steward’s advice made no sense. And yet it made a great deal of sense. By the time Hugh climbed the stairs to crawl into bed, an idea had taken root.
Chapter Twenty-Six
A few days later
When Hugh didn’t reappear promptly, Eleanor began to worry. Yes, she’d been angry with him. But that didn’t mean she never wanted to see him again, despite her determination to move to Devon. Damn the man, she missed him exceedingly. Apparently, he was so exasperated with her, he’d decided to stay away, even from Lili.
And then when she was out front playing tag with Lili, he was there. She must look a fright, her hair coming loose from its pins, her face flushed from dashing about. When she caught sight of him, she slid to a stop. Lili ran right to him, and he hoisted her up and spun her about.
“Hello, my little scamp,” he said.
He set Lili down and walked over to Eleanor, bending his tall frame to the side so he could hold Lili’s hand. “Good morning, Eleanor.”
“We’ve been running around,” she said, feeling idiotic.
He laughed. Well. He was in a good mood, which made her unaccountably annoyed. “It’s put some color in your cheeks,” he said, eyeing her. “Could we talk for a moment?”
She nodded, and they walked toward the stone bench situated underneath a linden tree. Earlier, Eleanor had asked for water to be brought out. She poured some for Hugh and herself, then called Lili over for a drink.
“We haven’t seen you,” Eleanor said after Lili ran off to chase Bobby.
“No. I’ve been away.” Then, suddenly, he looked at her and said, “I think I’ve found the perfect spot for you, Eleanor. That is, if you’re still intent upon moving.”
She fiddled with her hair, not making eye contact with him. “I am.”
No. That was a lie. She wanted him to take her in his arms and proclaim his undying love. And propose to her.
“Where is this spot?”
“A seaside town called Bognor. Are you familiar with it?”
She shook her head.
“It’s close to Chichester, and should you move there, you could likely gain a clientele from that city. Especially when the Society matrons see some of your creations.”
“And where is it? How far from here?”
“About thirty miles, as compared to one hundred and fifty to Devon. I freely admit to having a vested interest in keeping you and Lili closer, and you said you would consider a different location.”
“I didn’t recall that Devon was so far.” Eleanor set her palms on the bench and leaned into them, stretching her shoulders. Her enthusiasm for leaving had suddenly withered up and blown away, like so much ash. It now seemed a terrible idea, and yet, unless Hugh proposed, how could she remain? She could not live with her parents forever, without all the neighbors, and ultimately the whole of Haslemere, getting wind of the fact that she had a child. She sighed unhappily on a deep exhalation.
“Did you say something?” Hugh asked.
She regarded him, trying to gauge his feelings on the matter. “Tell me more about it. Where would we live?”
“I found a pretty little cottage. It’s at the end of a lane with a few other houses. No view of the sea, I’m afraid, but it’s only a short walk away. And it has plenty of windows. There are two front parlors, and your sewing room could be in one of them.” He hesitated, then said, “Of course, it must meet with your approval.”
“Bedchambers?”
“Four, all upstairs. Small, naturally. You could use one of them for storage of your dressmaking supplies, and there would still be one for you, one for Lili, and a third for a companion. Because you cannot live there alone, of course.”
“No, I suppose not. Would Lili be happy there, do you think?”
Eleanor felt close to tears. Carrying out her plan of moving would mark not only a new beginning, but the end of something as well. Hugh would be Lili’s father, and nothing more, and they would see less of him. She didn’t want that, but she did not see a way to change things. Achieving her goal of leaving Haslemere was a bittersweet victory.
“I don’t know why not, provided you’re there. You’re her world, Eleanor,” he said softly. “Would you like to see it? It’s called Rose Cottage.”
She should try to muster some enthusiasm. “Yes,” she said over a lump in her throat.
“Excellent. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve worked out some arrangements with Sir William. He will see you safely to Bognor and return for you in a sennight. This will enable you to judge how you like the cottage and the Town, and find out if Lili will adjust. And you may wish to spend a day in Chichester while you’re there.”
He certainly sounded bloody excited about it. Eleanor lifted a corner of her mouth. “You’ve been quite busy. It seems you’ve taken care of everything,” she said.
“I want you to be happy, Eleanor. Isn’t this what you want?”
Miserable, her heart leaden, she nodded. “Of course.”
…
A week later
Hugh had not done justice to Rose Cottage and its surroundings. The cottage was immaculate, fitted up with comfortable, sturdy furnishings, including a crib, chest of drawers, and shelves for the nursery. And from its perch at the end of the lane, it was picturesque enough to be part of a painting. The front garden was planted, appropriately, in roses, and, in the moderate climate of the seacoast, they were still flourishing.
Light streamed into the front windows, which faced south, toward the sea. Every day since they’d arrived, mother and daughter had walked to the beach, Eleanor carrying a bucket and spade and a basket of sandwiches and jug of water. Their stretch of shore was deserted, so she had no qualms about shedding her shoes and stockings and wading and allowing Lili to do the same. Because Lili loved the waves and did not seem to fear the pull of the sea in the least, Eleanor kept a close eye on her.
In the afternoon, they walked back to the cottage and Lili slept. Sometimes Eleanor used the time to sketch new designs, but more often than not, she slept, too. She was gripped with a lethargy, and rather than fight it, she surrendered to it. All things considered, she felt she deserved a respite after all her hard work and the ordeal of Lili’s kidnapping.
Eleanor was not sure who was assuming the cost of their stay at Rose Cottage, and who would pay going forward. Her father was vague and circumspect about it on the way down, but she had a feeling it was all Hugh’s doing. There was no doubt the sea, the leisure, and the time spent with Lili were rejuvenating. She barely had to lift a finger. Jane had agreed to accompany them, and a woman from the village came in each day to do light household tasks and cook dinner.
One afternoon, Eleanor was drifting off when she heard somebody outside. Lili was sleeping and Jane had gone for a walk. Hastily, Eleanor descended the steps, not wishing to wake Lili. A messenger stood at the door holding a letter. “For me?” she said.
“Are you Eleanor Broxton?” he asked.
“I am.”
“Then it’s yours, miss.” He waited while Eleanor fetched a coin, and after he’d left, she took the letter into the parlor and tore it open. She recognized the bold writing as Hugh’s.
10 July
Longmere
My dearest Eleanor,
If you are reading this, you are safely at the seaside with Lili. I hope it is all you dreamed it would be. In the drawe
r of the worktable in the kitchen, you will find another document from me. It is the deed to Rose Cottage, which now belongs solely to you. I pray this will remove the sadness from your eyes, finally and irrevocably.
My wish is for you to have the freedom and independence you so crave. I pray you will be happy there, but in all honesty, I would rather you were here, where I could see you every day. I speak only of you now, Eleanor, because I love you. Adore you. Worship you. And have since I first met you at my mother’s house party.
I believe I may have wounded you too gravely to ever be forgiven. A thousand apologies would probably not make up for what I said to you after finding out about Lili. Nonetheless, I do most sincerely apologize. You cannot imagine how many times I have wished those words back, wished fervently I’d never spoken them. I feel ashamed every time I recall them. You are a loving mother to Lili, the best a father—and daughter—could ever want. And I’ve come to understand your dilemma at the time of her birth. Had I been in your shoes, I would have done the same as you.
I rode to the Haslemere assembly on that miserable November night with no expectation, no plan, other than to set my eyes on you just once before I departed for Canada. I don’t believe I ever told you how the memory of our night together sustained me through my time away, during the endless cold, the loneliness, and the fear. You gave yourself to me so unselfishly, so ardently. I knew if I could somehow make it through the war, I would see you again and perhaps persuade you to marry me. I have not given up that dream.
You have my heart, Eleanor. And it is left only to say, I wish I might have yours.
Hugh
Eleanor raised her head, tears sliding off her face and onto the letter. The golden light of the waning day bathed the room like a radiant watercolor wash. It was so lovely here, but without Hugh, it was nothing more than a place she was staying for a few days. She missed him with a visceral longing. Missed his smile, his dark eyes, his sensual touch. His kindnesses to her. What they might have together—she did not want it to be a thing she almost had. A supreme happiness within her reach, but she let it slip from her grasp because of her own willfulness.
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