My Sister’s Secret

by Tracy Buchanan

  ‘I do love him.’

  ‘But you don’t trust him?’

  Charity sighed. ‘I don’t know.’

  Hope’s cheeks flushed pink as she watched a man in a tweed jacket walk towards them.

  ‘Who’s that dapper man?’ Charity asked.

  ‘My editor.’

  ‘He’s here too?’

  ‘He offered to come at the last minute.’

  Charity quirked an eyebrow. ‘Is there a little romance developing here?’

  ‘Shush!’ Hope said as the editor came up to the table.

  ‘Ah, so now I know why I was stood up for dinner,’ the editor said. He was in his late thirties, tall and broad-shouldered with kind blue eyes and scruffy dark hair. He was just the sort of man Charity could imagine Hope ending up with. She smiled to herself. How wonderful would that be?

  ‘This is Peter, my editor,’ Hope said. ‘Peter, this is my sister, Charity.’

  ‘Ah, the psychiatrist.’

  ‘Oh, nothing as glamorous as that, just a plain old counsellor. Why don’t you join us?’

  ‘Oh no,’ Peter said, shaking his head. ‘I couldn’t intrude.’

  ‘I insist,’ Charity said, gesturing to the spare chair.

  Hope frowned. ‘Are you sure? Don’t you want to talk?’

  ‘I’m sure,’ Charity said. ‘I want to forget about what’s happening in the UK and chatting to some literary types is ideal.’

  Over the next two hours the three of them had dinner and talked. It was clear to Charity there was chemistry between Hope and Peter, who seemed enraptured whenever Hope talked. Hope wasn’t so obvious about her feelings, but the little glances towards him as he talked, and the way she blushed when he complimented her poetry made it clear to Charity that she was developing feelings for him. It filled her with happiness. She loved the idea of Hope meeting someone, especially someone who seemed to share her interests.

  But as she watched them together, she also started to regret making the decision to come out. It was clear she’d interrupted a budding romance.

  ‘I think I’ll head up now,’ Charity said after a while.

  ‘But it’s only seven,’ Hope said.

  ‘I’m exhausted, Hope.’

  ‘I’ll head up too, then,’ Hope said, going to stand up.

  ‘No. Stay. It looks like you have a lot to chat about and really, I’m quite exhausted after the journey. We can catch up when we go to the vigil tomorrow evening.’

  ‘You don’t mind if Peter comes with us, do you?’

  Charity smiled. ‘Not at all.’

  ‘I swear I’m all yours for the rest of the break.’

  ‘Apart from the meeting I’ve set up with that Russian editor,’ Peter said. ‘We can always cancel it.’

  ‘No, not at all,’ Charity said. ‘I’m here for ten days, Hope and I have plenty of time to catch up.

  When Charity got to her room a few moments later she stared out at the darkening city, feeling incredibly lonely. It was wonderful seeing her sister so happy and on the brink of romance, but it also highlighted what a mess her own love life was in. Was Dan thinking of her right now? Or was she kidding herself? Maybe the simple truth was that he’d dumped her. He was a millionaire businessman after all. He probably had loads of flings. He was passionate, threw himself into things. He’d got excited about Charity but now the honeymoon period had worn off, he’d grown bored and was pleased to have found an excuse to get rid of her. Why else would he fly out to Germany without a word?

  The reality of the situation really hit her then and she burst into tears. She loved him, she really did. She let herself cry for a bit and then dragged herself up, wiping her tears away. She just wanted to sleep. So without even unpacking or changing, she sank into bed.

  The next afternoon, Hope, Charity and Peter hired a four-by-four to take them over the bumpy terrain that led to the lake. When they arrived a while later, the sun was setting over the dark lake, thin spruce trees rising majestically from its surface as water trickled down the surrounding cliffs.

  Charity wondered what it would be like to dive under there. Maybe she’d get the chance if she could convince Hope to dive with her? When she’d broached the subject, Hope had looked pained. Maybe it was too hard for her, the memories of diving with Faith too difficult.

  There were dozens of people gathered at the lake, the reflection of the flames from the candles they were holding dancing over the surface. A wizened old man stood in the middle of them, face sombre.

  ‘Let’s try to talk to him now,’ Peter said to Hope.

  ‘I’ll wait for you here,’ Charity said.

  As they walked away, Charity contemplated the lake, remembering how Faith had described it with such passion.

  A flashing light caught her eye. A man was taking photographs of the lake nearby, away from the crowds. He had dark hair, broad shoulders.

  Charity frowned.

  It couldn’t be Niall, could it?

  As she thought that, he turned and caught her eye.

  It was Niall.

  He slowly lowered his camera, surprise registering on his face. Then he strolled over. Charity peered over at Hope who was now talking to the earthquake survivor.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Niall asked, voice incredulous.

  ‘I came with Hope. She’s been commissioned to write some poems about submerged forests, she’s interviewing the earthquake survivor right now.’

  Niall followed her gaze towards Hope.

  ‘Why are you here?’ she asked him, still not quite believing it.

  ‘I read about the vigil, seemed like a good time to visit to take some more photos of submerged forests.’

  Charity shook her head. ‘This is just so weird.’

  Niall smiled. ‘It is, isn’t it? But then how many other people in the world are as interested in submerged forests as the three of us?’ he asked, gesturing towards Hope.

  ‘I guess.’

  He smoothed his hand over his stubble. ‘So have you dived it yet?’

  ‘Not yet. I’m not sure I’ll get the chance, Hope seems reluctant.’

  ‘I’m diving it tomorrow. I’ve hired a car.’ He hesitated a moment, his eyes searching hers. ‘You’re welcome to join me?’

  Charity laughed nervously. ‘I don’t have any equipment.’

  ‘I know a place you can hire some from. It would be a shame for you to miss out.’

  Charity looked at her sister. She would be out most of the next day meeting with the Russian editor Peter mentioned. What else would Charity do if she didn’t go with Niall? Hide in her room until dinner time?

  ‘Okay,’ she said impulsively.

  The next morning, Charity stared out of the window of the four-by-four Niall had hired, watching as city gave way to dirt tracks surrounded by hills and shrubs. They veered off into vast, sparse lands, farmers dressed head to toe in colourful outfits herded goats.

  ‘So why hasn’t Dan joined you?’ Niall asked, jaw tensing.

  ‘He’s in Germany.’ She didn’t look at Niall, just continued staring out of the window, tears flooding her eyes. Then she felt his hand on her shoulder.

  ‘Everything okay?’ he asked softly.

  ‘He just flew out there without saying a word. I think it’s over between us.’

  Niall glanced quickly at her, then away. ‘Well, I can’t say I’m upset to hear that.’

  The car made a creaking noise as it bounced over the path. Charity thought of the night she lost her sister. The bump, the panic in her heart when she thought the car had knocked over a deer. How much worse it had been.

  ‘Maybe you should slow down,’ Charity said, grabbing on to the door handle.

  ‘I’m trying to.’

  As he said that, smoke started pluming from the car’s bonnet. ‘Shit,’ Niall said as the car rolled to a stop. He jumped out and Charity quietly watched him as he opened the bonnet, leaning over it, one tanned and muscled arm holding it up. Her eyes travelled over th
e gleaming nape of his neck, his short dark hair, the hint of a tattoo peeking up from under his dark t-shirt. He looked up, caught her watching him and held her gaze, his look making heat coil inside her. She looked away and drank more water, trying to cool herself down as Niall walked around to her side of the car. He leant into her open window, so close she could smell the orange he’d just eaten on his breath. ‘It’s screwed.’

  ‘Thought as much.’

  He reached in and pulled out a map. Then he peered up, shielding his eyes from the sun as he pointed ahead. ‘The canyon down to the lake’s just there according to this. I reckon it’s too hot to walk. Maybe we should camp out overnight, set off in the morning when it’s cooler. I have a two-man tent in the back?’

  She looked at him, horrified. How on earth could they sleep in such close proximity?

  He laughed. ‘The look on your face! Only kidding.’

  ‘So what do we do?’

  ‘I don’t know, wait for someone to come by? There was that farmer earlier, maybe he’ll come our way again.’

  ‘And what, give us a lift on his goats?’

  ‘Why not?’

  They both burst out laughing.

  ‘Here,’ Niall said, reaching across to the side compartment and throwing her a chocolate. ‘Keep yourself busy while I figure something out.’

  ‘Oh, thank the Lord we have a man here to help figure things out,’ Charity said. ‘God forbid it’s just me or, worse still, you were a woman. Can you imagine two women trying to figure things out?’

  ‘Please share your tips on how we deal with this situation then,’ Niall said, lips curling into a smile.

  ‘The goat idea wasn’t so far off.’ She pointed at two men leading their horses along a patch of dry land nearby. ‘Do you have any money?’

  Ten minutes later Charity was behind Niall on the back of one of those horses, her arms slung around his waist, their diving gear hanging precariously out of the bags attached to either side of the horse’s back.

  She pressed herself against Niall, her fingers interlaced around his waist, the feel of his taut stomach sending rivulets through her.

  He kicked his heel into the horse and it whinnied before galloping towards the mountains. Charity turned, saw the two men waving at her, the fifty dollars Niall had paid each of them tucked securely into their belts. Charity pressed her cheek against Niall’s back, breathing in his familiar musky smell as the horse’s hooves thundered on the ground. She focused on the sensations of wind in her hair, of the sun on her back, of her arms around Niall’s waist. He shifted slightly, his body pressing against her inner thighs.

  Soon, a glimmer appeared in the distance, the tops of fir trees trembling in the breeze. The horse slowed down as Niall pulled at the reins, eventually coming to a stop at the top of a huge canyon. And below, the lake.

  ‘It’s like paradise, isn’t it?’ Charity whispered.

  ‘Let’s get in there.’

  Thirty minutes later they were heading beneath the surface in surprisingly cold water, the drowned pine trees rich and vibrant beneath the lake, branches heavy with leaves that hung like blue icicles in the glimmering water.

  All sound disappeared, the misty ripples leaving her in a dreamlike state. Ahead of her the trees shimmered in the haze, seeming to beckon her towards them. She glided over, fingers passing across the soft branches, the peacefulness she always felt when underwater spreading throughout her. The past few days she’d felt like she’d been standing in the middle of a sparse land, exposed and vulnerable. Here she felt safe; here she felt as though she could escape everything.

  In the distance, Niall took photos, the flash from his camera lighting up the sunken trees, shrouding them in white, as though snow had fallen beneath the lake.

  She found Niall floating in front of a particularly large tree, contemplating its bark, his camera at his side. She knew what he was thinking: this would be the ideal place to do an etching. She looked into his eyes, saw the question there. She nodded, so he lifted his knife and carved their initials into the tree.

  When they returned to the surface, Niall thanked Charity.

  ‘What for?’ she asked.

  ‘For letting me do the etching. I know my exhibition puts your name out there. I guess it’s a tribute to what we once had.’

  She avoided his gaze by reaching behind her to undo her tank.

  ‘What we had was special though, wasn’t it?’ he persisted.

  She looked up at him. ‘It was.’

  He smiled. ‘And now we’re here as friends. That makes it all even more special.’

  She matched his smile. ‘I agree.’

  He peered at his watch. ‘Fancy a snack before we set off?’

  ‘You have snacks?’

  He walked over to the horse and pulled two large triangle-shaped pastries from one of the bags. ‘This is a baursaki, I got some at the airport.’

  ‘That’s so sweet of you to share, Niall. Thank you.’

  They both perched on a large rock near the horse and ate the rich doughy treats. After they’d finished their snacks, Niall handed her a warm beer and they leant back, soaking up the evening sun.

  Charity realised she’d been right to accept Niall’s invitation to go diving. Yes, she couldn’t help but feel slightly overwhelmed by his proximity. But if she could accept that she’d always feel this way, but not act on it, then that was progress. She liked the idea of a world where she could still have Niall in her life, without the drama of a relationship.

  Was she hoping for too much?

  As she said that, a rumble of thunder sounded in the distance.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ Niall said, sitting up. She followed his gaze towards a patch of dark clouds. ‘Maybe we should head back.’

  ‘Can the old boy over there outrun the rain?’

  Niall shrugged. ‘We need to try.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll just get changed and—’

  ‘No time for that,’ Niall said as they heard another rumble of thunder. ‘Wind’s blowing in our direction, the clouds will be here soon. Let’s go now.’

  Charity gathered up everything then jumped on to the back of the horse with Niall. The horse seemed tetchy, stamping from hoof to hoof as though it could sense the oncoming storm. Charity peered up at the amassing clouds, remembering the storm in Norfolk. Niall pressed his heel into the horse’s flank and it cantered off, heading into the trees and travelling alongside the edge of the lake.

  Charity felt pinpricks of rain on her head and held on tighter just as the heavens opened, rain pounding down on to them.

  ‘Nightmare,’ Niall shouted above the sound. ‘We need to find cover somewhere. I saw a hut when we were standing on the canyon, we can try there?’

  Charity nodded. The horse reared and they changed direction as the rain drenched Charity’s hair and face. Eventually they came to a clearing and a small wooden hut that had been long abandoned, rotting wood hanging off the sides. But the metal roof seemed intact.

  The horse slowed down and Niall carefully dismounted, helping Charity to do the same. They then led the horse inside. At the back of the hut was a pile of sacks, the rest of the floor was clear. Niall tied the horse to the handle of what remained of the door and then placed their bags down.

  ‘I guess we just wait it out,’ he said, sitting on the sacks and reaching into his bag for another beer. ‘Want to share this? It’s my last one.’

  ‘Why not?’ Charity said, joining him.

  As the rain clattered down on to the metal roof, thunder and lightning exploding outside, Charity felt her head shimmer from the effect of the beer and the strangeness of the situation, being stuck in a hut in the middle of Kazakhstan with Niall.

  ‘This is odd, isn’t it?’ Niall said. ‘Us two stuck in a hut in the middle of Kazakhstan as a storm rages outside.’ She laughed and he frowned. ‘What?’

  ‘I was just thinking the same.’

  His face grew serious. ‘That’s always been the way with us, hasn’t
it? Like we’re one person split into two people.’

  ‘I guess that’s what comes from being childhood sweethearts.’

  Niall took a swig of beer, the tendons in his neck pulsing. ‘I remember another time we sheltered from the rain.’

  ‘Oh God, yes, in that cave.’

  He nodded, eyes very intense. ‘We were far from sweet then,’ he murmured. She felt her body react and tried to normalise it, telling herself again it was just the way it would always be with Niall, this primal reaction. ‘It was the first time I really saw you let go, just give in to what you were feeling. The way you looked, your eyes closed as you moved on top of me…’

  ‘Niall, don’t.’ Charity looked away, not wanting him to see how flustered she was getting.

  ‘What? We’re just old friends sharing memories.’

  ‘Friends don’t share those kinds of memories.’

  ‘You came for the first time that night, didn’t you?’

  ‘Jesus, Niall! You’re going too far.’

  ‘Am I? It’s only too far if you don’t want me to continue.’

  Charity tried to push the memories away, tried to stop her body reacting. Niall moved even closer, his warm breath on her neck.

  ‘I want to see that look on your face again,’ he whispered into her ear. ‘I miss that look.’

  There was a sweet burning inside her, an uncoiling, a quickening of her heart and her pulse. She closed her eyes and felt his lips on her neck, his fingers dancing up her bare arms. She knew she ought to stop him, but she couldn’t.

  She let him push her back against the sacks, let him unzip her wetsuit and pull it off, let his lips travel down her to the place where the sweet ache was, let him make her come as he had all those years before. And then, as he moved on top of her, she opened her eyes, saw his blue ones blinking down at her as the storm raged outside.

  ‘Please,’ she whispered, her hips moving towards him.

  He thrust himself into her and she felt that familiar frantic wave of feeling well up inside her as she rocked against him. When she saw Dan’s face in her mind, his soft green eyes, she didn’t push the thought away. Instead she closed her eyes, letting the memories of their gentle love-making clash against Niall’s passionate urgency.