In This Iron Ground (Natural Magic)

by Marina Vivancos

  The results of those instincts, however, had taken both of them by surprise.

  “Hakan, I get why your instincts were telling you that the smell was wrong, but…you can’t just control who I, you know…” Damien fought with himself to build this boundary, even if everything in him was telling him that the debt he owed the Salgados was being disregarded.

  “I know that. I don’t…it took me by surprise. It won’t happen again.”

  Damien nodded, but he knew. He would never sleep with Nasir again. He wouldn’t be able to keep his head in the experience. The memory of what had happened between him and Hakan would burn through.

  “Okay. So, um…friends, yeah?” Damien said, still naked on Hakan’s bed. There were a few inches of space between them now, filled with the thick smell of sex, of residual heat.

  “Duh,” Hakan replied. There was a pause. “And…you know. If you wanted some benefits with those friends…”

  Damien stared at him. His mind had gone completely blank, but his mouth was still working. “Yeah. Uh…yeah. Okay.”

  “Okay. Cool.”

  They stared at each other.

  “Okay, well…I was promised food,” Damien said. Hakan watched him carefully before a small smile tipped the side of his mouth.

  It was a testament to their friendship that they were able to slip back into their day despite this thing that had awakened between them, dozing just below their interactions, waiting to strike.

  **********

  There was an eerie calmness inside Damien as he walked to his dorm. He unlocked his door, thumping his back against it as it closed behind him.

  “Don’t freak out,” his voice said to himself. He took a deep breath.

  He lay on his bed, trying to think. To move the different pieces until the image became coherent. He took another breath.

  Hakan had pulled away from Damien when he was sixteen. He hadn’t wanted Damien then. But Damien was eighteen now, in college. He hadn’t changed significantly as a person, he didn’t think. By some miracle, however, he had grown into a body that Hakan was attracted to.

  The anxiety that had been buzzing inside Damien settled and flattened everything.

  Suddenly, it made sense. It was almost a relief, really, to know exactly what he was worth. Not to be Hakan’s partner, or boyfriend, or husband, or mate. He was enough to be a friend. A casual fuck. No more than that.

  His place in Hakan’s life echoed almost exactly his relationship with the Salgados as a whole. He was worth being fostered, being taken care of, being loved, even, but not being an official member of the family. Of the pack.

  Damien took another deep breath. Hope was an addiction that strung you along. You thought you could give up at any time, but it always wanted a little more of you. Now, however, he could just accept.

  He would be Hakan’s friend. They would fuck, perhaps. And then Hakan would find someone who was worthy of him.

  It caused a cool, unharmful sort of pain to think about it. Of seeing Hakan with someone who deserved and loved him. What else could he want for the person he loved?

  He got up from the bed. He felt a little disoriented for a moment before slipping his laptop out of his bag and booting it up on the desk.

  He’d read his essay again. Make sure it flowed. He had things to do.

  The strange hollowness at the pit of his stomach always numbed with time.

  **********

  Damien had showered thoroughly before going to Nasir’s, but he could tell the werewolf knew straightaway. His eyes went directly to Damien’s neck. Damien watched as Nasir’s body tensed, expression falling for a moment before gaining back its composure.

  “Come in,” Nasir said, stepping aside.

  Damien walked in, a diluted sort of guilt running through him. It wasn’t like their relationship was romantic or exclusive, but it was a relationship nonetheless.

  “So…um…” Damien started.

  “I’m guessing you got with that werewolf that was only a friend?” Nasir asked with a rueful smile.

  “Uh…yeah. I mean, it’s casual. But yeah.”

  “Casual,” Nasir repeated, looking at the bruises on Damien’s neck again. Damien tamped down the urge to cover them.

  “Yeah.”

  “So…you and me…”

  “I just…don’t think it’s a great idea to continue, you know, sleeping together.”

  “Okay. I understand. I mean, I’m happy for you,” Nasir said. He didn’t sound happy, exactly, but he didn’t sound irritated or bitter either.

  “I really am sorry. I mean—”

  “You don’t have to explain. Really, I get it. To be honest, I wouldn’t want you smelling like another wolf either, carrying his marks…I mean, it’s not a possessive thing. Or, I don’t know. Maybe it is. I wouldn’t want to own you, I just…”

  “I get it. I’ve lived with werewolves for a long time. I get how important scent is, how it’s more about…yeah, I guess it’s hard to explain. But I get how having to battle someone else’s scent during sex would be like…having them in the next room waiting for me or something. Like, their presence would be there. I get how you don’t have to be particularly possessive for that to get in the way of something that should be, you know, between the people in the room.”

  “Yeah. That’s kind of exactly it.”

  They looked at each other for a moment before laughing under the tension of the moment.

  “Okay, well…I mean we can still hang out, sometimes, if you want,” Damien said. Nasir nodded, but something told Damien that he wasn’t being completely truthful.

  “Okay.”

  “Okay, well. See you.”

  “See you around, Damien. It was…it was good while it lasted.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  Honestly, Damien was surprised that Hakan initiated their next sexual encounter. He’d thought for sure it would have to be him, and he hadn’t known if he’d have the courage to go through with it.

  It was only a few days after the first, frantic time. The heat of it lingered inside Damien, but it remained a degree of separation from him. It was a dream he’d had, a vision that had perforated the divide between this dimension and the next. It had happened to some other Damien who had some other life.

  Damien sat on Hakan’s couch after spending the day in Hakan’s apartment. They had spent most of the time working, separately but in each other’s company. Hakan was currently sprawled next to him, flipping through Netflix as Damien became engrossed on his phone.

  “Oh my God,” Damien said to the screen.

  Hakan made a questioning noise beside him. Damien tilted his phone so that Hakan could see the picture of Dee and Lallo that Koko had sent him, tilting his head back in a laugh.

  Before Damien knew what was happening, Hakan was pressed against him, his lips on Damien’s neck. Damien jolted, making a startled noise. Hakan jerked away.

  “Sorry. I—”

  “No, no. It’s okay. You just surprised me.”

  After a moment, Damien tilted his head back again, resting it on the couch. He lowered his arm, leaving an unimpeded stretch of air between them. There was only a moment of stillness before Hakan took advantage of it.

  His lips were soft at Damien’s neck. Damien felt Hakan inhale deeply and it settled something inside him. The comforting knowledge that his scent, at least, was something Hakan wanted.

  The world moved around him suddenly. Damien found himself straddling Hakan on the couch, the press of their bodies intimate despite the obstruction of their clothes.

  They kissed for an age. Hakan’s mouth moved from Damien’s own, to his neck, and then back. Damien could feel the pressure building until the subtle rubbing became too much. Not enough.

  Damien ground forwards with more intent and revelled in the groan that trembled from Hakan’s chest and into his own.

  The next moment, Damien was in the air, legs around Hakan’s waist as he held Damien up.

  “This you car
rying me thing is gonna get old real fast,” Damien lied. Hakan snorted.

  Hakan crawled over Damien’s body as he was placed on the bed, but Damien pushed him away.

  “Wait, I want to…”

  Hakan went, rolling onto his back. Damien straddled him for a moment, kissing him deeply, before sliding his way down. Hakan’s hands had a hard time releasing him for a moment before capitulating.

  Damien had wanted to do this for longer than he cared thinking about.

  Hakan’s cock was thick and long, so hard already that it stood from his thatch of pubic hair. Damien gave the tip a kitten lick, just to feel Hakan tense, hear his breath stutter. He licked down, up, and then wrapped his lips around the head. Hakan moaned, his hands on Damien’s shoulders, his neck.

  Damien hummed, letting the vibrations buzz against Hakan’s sensitive skin. He slid down slowly, mindful of choking on the length. Hakan lay tense and still. Damien wouldn’t have expected any less.

  Damien’s lips stretched, mouth filled. The tip of Hakan’s cock hit his throat and he pulled away slightly before trying for a little more. And a little more. He could feel Hakan squirm underneath him, but he kept the pace slow, not wanting to gag, until his throat pressed around Hakan.

  Hakan moaned. His hand tightened at the back of Damien’s neck but he didn’t push him any further. Damien swallowed, and the way Hakan said his name broke Damien a little in some place inside.

  Damien slid up again before setting a brutal pace. He didn’t go far enough to gag himself, wrapping his hand around the base of Hakan’s dick and stroking in tempo with his mouth.

  Hakan panted, tense and trembling. Damien didn’t want his mouth fucked. He wanted this piece of control, but he didn’t bother holding Hakan down. Even in the midst of a blowjob, Damien knew he could trust Hakan.

  Damien felt as Hakan got closer to the edge. Got to taste as pre-come dripped from his tip. Got to feel the shivers in his thighs, the way his toned stomach tensed. Got to feel how Hakan’s hand gripped and released the nape of Damien’s neck over and over again, grinding his scent there.

  Hakan warned him before he came, but Damien didn’t pull away. He swallowed what he could as Hakan’s cock twitched in his mouth, but it was too much. He pulled away and the rest hit him on the cheek, dripping down his chin.

  “Damien. God, Damien,” Hakan was panting.

  Damien looked up. The moment their eyes met, Hakan hauled Damien up and kissed him almost frantically. He licked away at his own come, lapping at Damien’s tongue, his teeth, his cheek, his chin, his neck. Damien groaned at the desperation of it. The want.

  Damien started jerking himself off, not being able to take anymore, but Hakan pushed his hand away. He squeezed Damien’s ass for a moment before sliding down at the same time as he pulled Damien up, until Damien was practically straddling Hakan’s face.

  Damien made a choked, aborted sound as Hakan swallowed him down. It was like he didn’t have a gag reflex, Damien’s long, thin dick sliding into his throat.

  “Jesus, you’re gonna choke,” Damien protested, but Hakan didn’t seem to give a fuck about anything but blowing Damien into the next realm.

  The heat built quickly. He had already been near the edge and Hakan’s lips and throat around him only drove him there quicker.

  “Hakan.” Damien choked out the warning, but Hakan only gripped his ass tighter, pulling him forwards.

  Damien came with a strangled cry, hands hitting the mattress as he curved forwards. A whitewash blanked everything for a moment, leaving Damien reeling.

  “Fuck. Jesus, fuck,” he panted, sliding sideways until he collapsed beside Hakan, who was also panting.

  Damien let himself sink into the moment. It blurred the edges of the world around him until it was just him and Hakan on a bed, the smell of them filling the air.

  Damien pulled away subtly when Hakan tried to grab hold of him. He couldn’t cuddle naked with Hakan. He had to limit the damage that would be done to his heart.

  “Oh man, that was a work out. I think I need some juice,” Damien said with forced casualness.

  Hakan sat up, watching him. Damien stretched, looking back at him.

  “Should we watch something?” he asked, praying that Hakan wouldn’t force the issue.

  “Sure,” Hakan said after a moment. Damien stopped himself just in time from sighing with relief.

  In the end, they ended up sprawled against each other anyways, dozing on the couch as they watched Criminal Minds.

  Still. Damien would take any victory he could.

  **********

  The weeks seemed to just slip past.

  Damien and Hakan wouldn’t have sex every time they were together by any means, but it happened with surprising regularity. Damien stayed strict with his no-cuddling, no-sleeping rule. Although his nightmares had diminished since the start of college, he knew that stress, sleeping in unfamiliar places, and sleeping next to somebody else tended to have them flare up again. The third had been learnt in an embarrassing fashion when he’d almost knocked a guy out with a flailing arm. It was not something he wanted to repeat again, even with someone he knew as well as Hakan.

  Hakan picked up on Damien’s boundaries quickly and respected them with ease. Damien knew there was some instinct inside Hakan asking for Damien to stay close after sex, but he was grateful for Hakan’s simple acquiescence nonetheless.

  All of Hakan’s precautions, however, couldn’t hold up to simple bad luck.

  Damien and Hakan always watched TV in the living room. Not only because that’s where the TV actually was, but Damien also didn’t want to stink up Hakan’s bed too consistently in case Hakan ever wanted to bring a shifter home. On that particular day, however, the couch was wet with a spilt drink and both of them had gone to Hakan’s room, stretching on his bed as they watched something on Hakan’s laptop.

  With the stress of school, the scent of Hakan, the warmth, Damien should have seen it coming. He slipped into sleep easily, without any conscious thought.

  One moment Damien was safe, and the next he was being pressed down, his limbs tied, filled with terror and helplessness. He felt everything tense, waiting for the collapse, before his muscles jolted.

  “No, no,” he cried as he fought against the ties.

  The ropes undid themselves suddenly and he jerked forwards, knocking a lamp over. He fell from the bed, falling hard on his hands and knees but scrambling up a moment later, needing to regain control. He wrapped his arms around his shaking body.

  Everything was pounding, rushing, trembling out of his grasp.

  “Damien.” The voice made Damien cry out in surprise. He stumbled forwards, away from the sound, before turning towards it.

  Hakan.

  Hakan, with his eyes wide, hair dishevelled, the impression of a pillow on his face. The sight hurt. The intimacy of the sight compared to the malignant broiling inside only served to make the divide between him and the world starker.

  Damien knew that it was ridiculous to judge himself for having nightmares. But in the vulnerability of that moment something whispered, This is why.

  Hakan shifted on the bed with the obvious intention of moving towards Damien, but Damien held up a hand, warding him off. Hakan stopped immediately.

  “I, I’m just, I’m just going to go to the bathroom for a second,” Damien stuttered before fleeing the room.

  He shut the bathroom door behind him, leaving it unlocked. He knew that Hakan would respect his wish for space.

  Damien closed his eyes and bent in half, pressing his forehead to the cool lip of the ceramic sink. He took five trembling, choked breaths. Tried to concentrate on the feeling of the air stuttering in and out. He imagined the moonlight pooling in his expanding chest. He took another five breaths.

  I am the earth. I am the wind. I am the moonlight.

  He could almost hear Mia’s voice. He took another five breaths. These came in deeper.

  I’m okay. That was in the past. I’m in Hak
an’s apartment.

  The idea of Hakan waiting for him made the panic flare again, and he struggled to breathe. Breathe. To just breathe.

  He didn’t know how long he stayed there, imagining moonlight and earth, but it was long enough to calm the shaking down.

  He straightened up, avoiding his reflection. He washed his hands, his face, drying them slowly. He took another deep breath. He took off his sweaty shirt, wiping the remnants of the cold sweat off before leaving it in Hakan’s hamper.

  He opened the bathroom door, standing just within the threshold. It was times like these that his old desire to evaporate into the air, only for a little while, reappeared.

  He took another deep breath and walked slowly out. He had been hoping to see Hakan in the living room or kitchen so he could avoid returning to the scene of the crime, but the rooms were empty and silent.

  He followed the beam of light painted on the dark hallway floor towards Hakan’s room. He tried to keep his heartbeat level as he made it to the open door, hesitating only a moment before stepping inside.

  Hakan was sitting at the edge of the bed. The lamp was back in its place. The sheets made. Finally, when Damien collected himself enough to look at Hakan’s face, his expression was nothing like Damien expected. He had anticipated seeing concern, worry, apprehension. Instead, there was a fierce anger in his eyes.

  An instinctual jolt went through him, but it only lasted a second. Not even the disorienting effect of a nightmare could convince him that Hakan would be angry at Damien for being afraid of his own past.

  “I’d kill them,” Hakan said softly. His fists clenched on his knees. “I’d fucking kill them.”

  Damien opened his mouth for a moment before huffing a slight laugh. He went to Hakan’s dresser, slipping one of his T-shirts on before moving towards Hakan. He stopped in front of his sitting form, looking down at him.

  “I honestly think they thought they were helping me,” Damien said ruefully. Hakan’s frown immediately deepened.