His Pain

by Wrath James White

  “Shallow cuts okay? Don’t go too deep. We can’t afford to go to the hospital.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “You said you wouldn’t hurt me, right?”

  “I won’t. I promise.”

  “Then go for it.”

  She was naked and Jason had the scalpel poised over her breast. His hand trembled.

  “Just think about the pain. Don’t try and ignore it or zone out. Try to explore it. I know it sounds corny, but you have to become one with the knife or rather accept that you are one with it, that it’s a part of you. The blade, the plastic handle, my hand, my arm, my entire body, this room, everything is a part of you. So you have to accept that this sensation you are feeling is harmless. Because nothing that is a part of you can hurt you. But first you have to capture the sensation and understand it, then we can try to change it into pleasure.”

  “Okay. I’ll try.”

  “It’s too late to try. You have to do it or else it will hurt you.”

  Katie took a deep breath as Jason began to slice slowly through her nipple.

  “Feel the pain, Katie. Don’t hide from it. Feel it. Capture it. Define it. Give it shape and form.”

  “Oh my God! This is so wild!”

  “Do you have it? Have you found the pain?”

  “I-I think so?”

  “Then shape it now. Change it into something nice. Make it feel good.”

  Katie was shocked when the orgasm tore through her like a thousand volts. Her body bucked violently, flopping on the bed like an overturned cockroach.

  “Oh Shit! Damn! I can’t believe I just came. Does that happen to you?”

  “Sometimes.” Jason looked away sheepishly. Katie sat up and slipped the scalpel out of his hands. Blood trickled down her chest from her bisected nipple. She whipped it away with a finger and held it up for Jason to taste it. He opened his mouth and licked the blood from her fingertip shivering as he did so. Katie loved watching the way his body trembled at her touch.

  “Can I try it on you? Or would that be too much?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never tried anything like this. You can if you want to.”

  “But what if it hurts too bad and it kills you?”

  Jason shrugged.

  “Say I attacked you and you were defending yourself.”

  Katie frowned.

  “That’s not what I meant weirdo. I don’t want to lose you. I’m kind of starting to like your freaky ass.”

  “Do you love me?”

  “Maybe.” Katie leaned over and kissed him on the lips.

  “Then go ahead and cut me.”

  Katie almost dropped the scalpel as the first scream ripped from his throat. His back arched and his muscles locked. His erection swelled, engorged to almost twice its normal length looking like it would tear through its own skin. Jason screamed again as he began to convulse. Katie cut him across his chest once more and he ejaculated into the air before collapsing onto the bed in a puddle of cold sweat.

  “Are-are you okay? Jason? Jason?”

  He wasn’t moving, wasn’t breathing. Katie put her head to his chest to listen for a heartbeat. It was silent.

  “Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.”

  She tilted his head back, pinched his nose, and breathed into his mouth.

  “Please, Jason. Don’t die.”

  Katie began pumping on his chest trying to keep blood flowing to his brain. She’d seen this happen before when her friend Xene had ODed on Special K. She’d stopped breathing and went into cardiac arrest and Katie had to perform CPR on her. It kept her alive long enough for the doctors to pronounce her dead at the hospital a day later. She hoped to have better success now.

  “Come on, Baby. You can make it.”

  She breathed into his lungs again and this time he responded. Katie was almost moved to prayers when she saw his chest begin to rise and fall on its own. It was still a few hours before he woke up. By then Katie was a nervous wreck.

  “What happened?”

  “I was cutting on you— I mean, you said I could. But then you came and your heart just stopped. I thought you were dead. Don’t ever fucking scare me like that again. I don’t want to be stuck in this ratty ass apartment without you.”

  “Do you love me?” Jason croaked.

  “Yeah, okay. I guess I fucking do.”

  Despite the toughness in her voice there were tears in her eyes when she lay down next to him. They made love that night tenderly, passionately, just like a real couple.

  ***

  Katie had been coming back to the hotel later and later every night. She would walk in and flash Jason a tepid smile before storming into the bathroom to take a shower. After she came back into the room she wouldn’t touch him right away, sometimes for hours.

  “Are you okay Katie? Did I do something wrong? Do you still love me?”

  Katie sneered and snorted in contempt.

  “Of course I still love you. But so fucking what? We’re probably both going to wind up on the streets soon. I can’t afford another week’s rent on the bullshit tips I get at the peepshow.”

  “Then what can we do?”

  Jason reached out for her hand and she pulled it away and turned her back on him.

  “I guess I’m going to have to start sellin’ my ass.”

  “No. Don’t do that. We’ll think of something.”

  “Will we? Because I don’t think so. I really don’t think so.”

  They didn’t make love that night. Jason lay in bed staring up at the ceiling watching the shadows grow long and crawl down the walls as the moon traveled from one side of the sky to the other. Katie moaned and whimpered in her sleep. Jason wanted to wrap his arms around her and comfort her, but she hadn’t seemed to want his comfort lately. When she began to snore he climbed out of bed and pulled the rubber vacuum bag out of the closet. He crawled into it and went to sleep on the floor. That night he dreamt of his mother and father. It was the first time he had thought about either of them since he met Katie. He wondered where his father was now.

  ***

  Edward left the police station and drove straight to the morgue. They were used to seeing him by now. It was the same pilgrimage he’d been making every night since he discovered Melanie’s corpse and his son missing. From the morgue he’d make his way to the emergency room at Sunrise Hospital and then he’d cruise the strip.

  It was difficult for Edward to believe that a boy who couldn’t take a step without pain could disappear into a city like Las Vegas. There was no way the boy could have survived. Yet in almost a month there’d been no sign of him. He’d even contacted the Yogi a few times to see if Jason had reached out to him, but Arjunda had assured him he had not.

  Edward parked in front of the Coroner’s office and climbed out of the car. Beer bottles crashed to the ground and shattered as he opened his car door. Staggering, he walked across the parking lot and into the cold, sterile, morgue. He made his way down the hallway and walked right past the receptionist into the big freezer where all the unclaimed bodies were kept.

  “Sir? Sir? Oh. It’s you again. I’ve told you before you can’t just wander back here. If your boy shows up we’ll call you.”

  “Just let me take a look. You might not recognize him. I’m his father. I’ll know him no matter what has happened to him.”

  “He’s not here! Now leave before I have to call the cops.”

  Edward turned around and staggered back out the door and into the parking lot. He swooned and nearly fell as he reached out for his car door and collapsed behind the wheel. He cracked another Heineken, took a long swig, and set off for the emergency room.

  He knew his son was out there somewhere, suffering. He would find him and he would do what should have been done a long time ago.

  ***

  The sun had risen by the time Katie returned home from work. Jason noticed the bruises right away. The side of her face had the clear imprint of a fist on it and her neck was black and blue from where
a pair of hands had been wrapped around her throat.

  “What happened to you?”

  “Don’t worry about me. We’ve got the money for rent though. Just be thankful for that. I’m okay.” Katie sat down on the edge of the bed and began to cry.

  “Who did this to you? Who hurt you?”

  “I don’t fucking know his name. He was just some guy. They’re all just nameless guys.”

  “What guys?”

  “The guys I suck-off to pay the rent here. Happy now? I’ve been turning tricks since the day you met me to keep this place. I never intended on staying on the streets. I figured that I’d either kill myself or go back home before it came to that. But then I met you and you needed me and I started to love you and we needed the money so that we could stay together.”

  “But why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me you were fucking other men? I wouldn’t have let you do this to yourself.”

  “You would have rather seen us both out on the street? You can’t help us. What are you going to do? Flip burgers and pass out and die the minute some grease splashes on you? I had to do it for us!”

  “I could have done something.”

  “So what does this mean? You don’t love me anymore? You think I’m some kind of whore now?”

  “I don’t know.” Jason began to pace, rubbing his forehead trying to figure things out.

  “You don’t know? Fuck you, Jason! Fuck you! Get the hell out! Get out of here then!”

  “No. Don’t talk like that.” His jaw tensed. He was feeling trapped. He couldn’t think.

  If she would just shut the fuck up and let me think! If she would just stop yelling! Jason covered his ears and fell down onto the bed.

  “Does the sound of my voice hurt you now you fuckin’ pussy? Fuck you! Just get the fuck out! You think I’m a slut. You don’t want to be with me anymore, then leave!”

  “No!” Jason jumped up from the bed and slashed her across the throat with the scalpel. Katie’s eyes bulged as blood sprayed the front of her shirt and gushed down her throat, choking her.

  “Jason. Don’t.” It was all she could say before he brought the scalpel down again.

  ***

  Dear Yogi Arjunda,

  Sorry it has been so long since I’ve spoken to you. My world has changed so much because of what you have done for me. I have so much to share with you. I really want you to know how I feel. I apologize for what happened with the woman you brought to me and how you were forced to leave our house. I am on my own now and I desperately need to see you. I need your help.

  Sincerely,

  Jason Thompson

  ***

  Arjunda arrived in Vegas two days after receiving Jason’s letter.

  “Please, take me to this address.” He told the cabbie handing him the envelope with Jason’s return address on it.

  “You sure you want to go here? This ain’t the nicest neighborhood, you know?”

  “I’m sure.”

  They pulled up to the rundown motel fifteen minutes later and Arjunda saw why the cabbie had been concerned. This was not the place for a holy man. It was morning time so the prostitutes had for the most part been replaced by dope-peddlers. The few prostitutes that remained were of the very lowest quality. The opposite end of the spectrum from the one the Yogi had purchased weeks before.

  “This is the place. Good luck,” the driver said as he pulled into the parking lot.

  The Yogi paid the cabdriver and stepped out of the car. The place smelled like alcohol and urine. Jason must have indeed come a long way to find such a place tolerable. Even with his own normal senses the air here was nauseating.

  He walked over to the room where, according to the letter, Jason was staying. Arjunda knocked on the door and it creaked open on its own.

  “Jason? Are you home? It’s me.”

  “Arjunda? Come in. I want to show you something.”

  The shades were all drawn as The Yogi would have expected, and Jason had gone to the further precaution of taping trash bags up to them. The only light came from the doorway the Yogi was standing in.

  “Close the door please.”

  The air in the room was thick and humid and filled with the overwhelming stench of decay.

  “Jason, are you okay? Who’s that in here with you? And what’s that terrible smell?”

  The Yogi already feared for the worse. He closed the door and stepped over to where Jason sat on the bed cradling someone who was swaddled in blankets.

  “Sit with me. I have questions to ask you.”

  “Who is that?”

  “I have questions!” Jason shrieked. He was sweating profusely and his eyes were still bloodshot with tears.

  “Okay. Okay, Jason. Ask me.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me what it would be like? This world you and Mom were so anxious to send me out into. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I don’t know what you mean. I told you that it would take a while to adjust to all the new experiences. What exactly are you referring to?”

  “The pain! You, Mom, Dad, you all wanted me to conquer my illness so that I could be like normal people and love and be loved, so that I could go out into the world and experience life. You told me that what I felt wasn’t normal, that there was joy and beauty in the world. You lied! All of you! Happiness is the illusion. It’s the pain that’s real. Joy is just a brief interval between periods of grief that just heightens and accentuates it. When I didn’t know happiness I could live with this torture. If this sorrow was constant like my pain then maybe I could. But happiness keeps you from getting used to it. It gives you false hope so that it can crush you when all the hurt comes back. You should have left me alone, in my room. You should have killed me!”

  “Jason. It’s okay. This grief is the same as the physical pain. You can deal with it the same way.” The Yogi had moved closer to Jason now trying to get a better look at what he had wrapped up in the blankets. The gangrenous stench increased as he drew nearer. The smell was stupefying. The Yogi’s stomach was doing somersaults.

  “No, you can’t! I tried. Don’t you think I fucking tried! This is so much worse. I’d rather be tortured than watch the people I love go away. No one ever understands me.”

  The Yogi noticed the blood covering Jason’s arms and chest.

  “Oh my God, Jason. What have you done?”

  “I killed Momma and now I’ve killed Katie too. She was yelling at me. She didn’t love me anymore. It hurt so bad. The things she was saying. They hurt so bad. I couldn’t take it. I had to kill her.”

  Jason pulled back the blanket, revealing Katie’s bloated face. The heat inside the room had accelerated the decomposition process and her body was swollen with gases. Her skin was green, purple and blue, like an infected wound. Her eyes were fixed and dilated and coated with a milky substance.

  “What did you do, Jason?”

  “You did it! It’s your fault!”

  Jason raised the scalpel as The Yogi stared at it passively.

  “What are you going to do, Jason? You want to kill me for showing you happiness? Is that it? You think I’ve done you some injustice by not letting you rot away in that little room never feeling anything but hurt? I can’t apologize for that Jason.”

  “But you didn’t tell me about this!”

  He let the blanket fall from his lap and the girl’s corpse hit the floor with a thud and came apart. The body had been mutilated, hacked to pieces. The Yogi looked at the little scalpel in Jason’s hand and tried to imagine how long it must have taken to undo her like that with such a small blade. Just cutting through the muscles and tendons alone would have been a chore but to slice through ligaments and cartilage to remove her limbs would have taken a great deal of time. This was more than the crime of passion Jason had described. Not just a momentary lapse in reason caused by powerful emotions. In order for him to do this Jason would have had to enjoy it. He looked up into Jason’s eyes and for the first time saw the madness that h
ad been lurking there all along. How could a boy suffer every moment of his entire life and not go insane? Arjunda saw now that it would be impossible.

  “Jason—” But the Yogi could think of nothing to say. Then the front door creaked open and sunlight spilled into the room dazzling both of them.

  “Back away from him, Jason.”

  Both Jason and Arjunda turned to look at the figure silhouetted in the doorway. It was Edward. He stood there with a rifle gripped in his hands surveying the carnage that filled the room. His expression was that same mixture of determination and defeat that seemed to have been permanently etched into his features. He looked like he had aged another ten years in the weeks since The Yogi saw him last.

  “Dad?”

  “I’m sorry, son. I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength to do this sooner.” He raised the shotgun to his shoulder and pointed it at Jason’s head, then he stepped forward and placed the barrel against his son’s temple.

  “Thank you, Dad. I was hoping you’d find me. I love you.”

  “I love you too, son.”

  Pain ripped through Edward’s belly as the scalpel cut deep into his guts. Blood and bile poured from the wound as Jason vivisected him, slicing through his intestines up to his ribcage. Jason grabbed the barrel of the shotgun and pulled it away from his head just before it went off, catching Arjunda directly in the chest and spraying his organs against the motel walls. The shotgun clattered to the floor without firing another shot.

  “Why, son?”

  “You watched me suffer everyday for seventeen years. Did you ever once wonder what it was like for me? You didn’t kill me then because you didn’t want to upset Mom. So you let me suffer. I want you to know what it felt like.”

  The stomach wound was fatal but it wouldn’t kill him immediately. He would have hours to feel every torment Jason could imagine for him before he died. Edward looked up into his son’s eyes as Jason withdrew the scalpel from his father’s belly and began to carve away at his face. There was nothing rational or human in the eyes he saw staring back at him. He could never understand how the boy had withstood so much for so long. The doctors told Edward that his baby boy wouldn’t live past his first year. Jason somehow lived seventeen. Each year had removed a little more of the boy’s humanity, made him a little less like everyone else around him. Part of Edward’s helplessness had always been that he could not understand his own child. Now he would. Now he would finally know his pain.