Silent Sins: A Lotus House Novel: Book Five

by Audrey Carlan

  Ma believes if you didn’t till the ground yourself and work for every dollar you’ve ever received, you’re likely not a good human. I guess my mother is a bit judgmental. Until, of course, she sees the curly haired blonde girl tucked behind her daddy’s leg.

  She leans down instantly, her rounded form balancing perfectly as she crouches. “And who is this angel baby?”

  Scott tugs his daughter’s hand, bringing her out from behind him. “Introduce yourself, sweetie,” Scott tells his daughter. I glance up at my sister, and she’s biting her lip, not doing a very good job at holding back her obvious love of the child.

  “I Kaylee,” she mutters and walks over to my mother, swinging her skirt.

  Another thing about Ma: all children love her. No matter how many twenty-something men my sisters have brought home, men who cower in fear of her and her legendary wooden spoon, children don’t have that same fear.

  “Aren’t you the prettiest girl I ever did see? Do you like spaghetti?” Ma asks Kaylee.

  “It’s her favorite dinner,” Scott blurts.

  I grin. Good one. Point for Scott.

  My mother’s gaze flashes to Scott approvingly before going back to Kaylee. “Would you like to help me cook, angel?”

  The little girl’s eyes light up. “Ohh! Fun!” She giggles, and my mother scoops her right up, puts her on a rounded hip as if she did this every day, and hands the little one her own wooden spoon. Well, that was easy.

  I turn toward my sister, who’s got her hands clasped in front of her heart and a giant smile.

  “Dodged a bullet on that one, care bear.” I tap her nose like I always have with my sisters.

  “You’re telling me.” She lets out a long breath, and Scott puts his arm around her, reminding me that a new man is all up in my sister’s space. A man with a child.

  “You and me.” I point to Scott’s chest and then my own. “We’ll be having words. Soon. Feel me?”

  Scott swallows but firms his spine and holds my sister closer. Point two for Scott. Afraid but willing to put himself out there. Of course, there’s no way I’m giving him that inch of satisfaction when he needs to have the fear of her big brother put into him.

  “Not a problem, uh, Nick.” He forms his words, trying to sound confident but failing.

  “Nicholas,” I correct him firmly. He hasn’t earned the right to use my informal name.

  “Nicholas.” He clears his throat. “You’ll be seeing a lot of me from now on.”

  “Reeealyyyyy?” I draw out the word. “Then you’ll need to have some wine. Meet the family. We do dinners—”

  Scott jumps in. “Every Sunday. Got it. Feel honored I’ve finally been invited.”

  I frown at the word “finally.”

  “Care bear, how long you been hiding Malibu Ken?”

  Cara squints. “Not nice, Nicky. And not that long.” She looks away, diverting her gaze. That’s her tell. A poker player she is not. That slip of the eye means she’s lying through her teeth.

  “Carrie, tell the truth,” Scott admonishes.

  Carrie? Special nicknames. Fuck. This is serious.

  “Uh, maybe we kind of sort of already live together.” She twirls her hair and shuffles her feet.

  I’m certain my eyes about pop out of my head at this news. Cara’s been hiding a man. “You are in so much trouble. This is going to be fun to watch.” I grin, knowing my mother and father are going to lose their shit when they find out.

  Cara grabs my biceps, holding me in place. “Don’t tell them. I want them to fall in love with them both the way I have first…” she rushes to say.

  “Love? Fuck, Cara. You love this guy and his kid, moved in with him, and have been hiding this from your family? How long?” I whisper-growl closer to her face, my big brother hat firmly in place.

  Scott pulls my sister back protectively. Another point for Scott, but this surprise is going to douse any hope they had of easing the family into him.

  Right then, Gracie and Faith enter the kitchen, arms locked. Being the babies, the two of them have always been close, both hitting their twenties and still living at home.

  Gracie’s gray-blue eyes, similar to my own only with blue versus my green tone, lock on to mine. Grace and I look the most alike with our near-black hair and super-light eyes we got from our mother. She has a mixture of the blue-green-gray combo. The rest of the family have the dark, cappuccino-colored hair and brown eyes. She’s also the baby, and I’m the eldest, so we have that oldest and youngest sibling connection.

  “Girls.” I let Cara off the hook for now and open my arms. Both rush into me. The scent of their strawberry shampoo hits my nose, reminding me of home. I breathe them in, my heart feeling at peace, being around my entire family. “How’s my girls?”

  “Great!” Faith laughs, hugs me once more, and jets off to talk to the rest of our sisters.

  “Good, Nicky,” Gracie answers, keeping an arm around my waist. “I got the job at Lotus House teaching Vinyasa Flow while I finish up my internship with Chef Jean Luc.”

  I grin. “See, I knew Crystal and Jewel would hook you up. You’re a Salerno, and I taught you everything you know.”

  “Didn’t hurt that I already had my registered yoga credential prior to that.” She laughs, but I ignore it and nuzzle her close.

  “How long are you going to be the right hand for the amazing, the talented…Chef Jean Luc!” I joke, rubbing her hair and making the top pouf up.

  She pats it down and pushes the loose sides around her ears. Her cheeks pink up at the mention of the chef like they always have. I think she has a crush on the man, which is not good. Not only is he French, he’s also ten years her senior. Mama would have a fit.

  “He’s perfect.” She sighs dreamily.

  I roll my eyes, lock my arm around her shoulder, and whisper in her ear. “You gonna tell your mother that?”

  She cringes. “No way. He speaks French as fluently as she speaks Italian, and never the two shall meet.”

  “Uh-huh. And when he realizes you’re sweet on him? What then?”

  Her body goes stiff, and she turns to me. “He wouldn’t. Jean Luc doesn’t even know I exist.”

  My sister is sweet, innocent, and so gorgeous I had to beat up so many smarmy suitors in high school, my fingers were constantly bloodied. These girls have put my father and me through our paces with the boys sniffing around. Now that they’re twenty and up, there’s not much I can do but threaten their boyfriends or suitors into being respectful. I also do what I can to bring them to the gym so I can put them in the ring with a pair of gloves. Beat the fear of God into them. I know for sure, there’s no way on God’s green earth a hot-blooded male wouldn’t see the beauty in our Grace. She’s stunning.

  “Well, if Mr. French doesn’t notice you and your beauty, it’s his loss. Besides, he’s too old for you.”

  “Age is only a number.” She pouts.

  I tip my head back and laugh. “Tell that to your mother, and see how well that goes over.”

  “No need. And what about you? You haven’t brought a girl around in ages.” She nudges my arm with her elbow.

  I lift the glass of wine I poured and finally take a long sip, holding it in my mouth like my father taught me, allowing the wine’s true essence to permeate my taste buds. I shrug. “None worth bringing home to all of you.”

  “What’s that I hear? My boy finally find a sweet, young, Italian woman who can cook to bring home?” Ma butts in, setting the little girl down. She scrambles to her dad with a spoon slathered in red sauce running down the wooden surface.

  “No, Ma, no woman.” I groan and scowl at my sister for calling me out.

  My mother bats my shoulder with her potholder. “Why not? You’re a handsome man. You stop playing the field, and a good Italian girl is going to knock you off your feet!”

  I chuckle and shake my head. “Ma…” I go over to her and wrap my arm around her shoulder. Her head barely reaches my sternum. “No woman co
uld be as good as you. But I promise, when I find her, you’ll be the first to meet her, yeah?”

  She smacks my belly this time. “You better not be kidding around. I’m not getting any younger. I want bambinos running around this house again. I need laughter while I’m cooking or I’m unhappy. When are you going to give me some grandbabies to spoil?”

  I sigh and let my head fall. “Ma, we have this conversation all the time. When I find the right woman.”

  “If you don’t keep your Italian sausage in your pants and your eyes open, you never will.”

  That has all my sisters and me laughing hard. Even scaredy cat Scott chuckles. Javier doesn’t say a word, quietly sitting in the corner—the same one he has for a year. Watching it all go down. From what I understand, he has a big family, so ours couldn’t be too far away from his.

  “I’m going to die an old woman with no grandbabies. I just know it. Salvatore…you bury me, and my headstone will say…died alone with no grandbabies.” She lifts her head and hands to the sky, feigning agony.

  “No, you won’t, Mom. I can promise you that.” Dawn smiles huge as her husband, Lorenzo, loops an arm around her.

  The way Dawn and Lo are grinning means they are about to drop a big surprise on us. One I suspected was coming. My mother wipes her hands on the towel over her shoulder, flicks off the burners, and stands in front of Dawn and Lo. My father grabs Ma’s hand and holds it to his heart. “Dawn baby, you have something to tell your mama and papa?” His voice shakes as tears hit Dawn’s cheeks.

  My sister nods excitedly. “We’re pregnant!” she says, and the entire room explodes in squeals of joy.

  “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! My baby is having a baby! Thank you, Lord!” Ma cups Dawn’s cheeks and kisses her on the mouth. “I love you. I love you so much. You’re going to be a mama!” Dawn cries and my mother cries with her. “I’m going to be a grandmother!” She kisses my sister again.

  My father tugs Lorenzo to his side and puts out his other hand. Lorenzo holds on to it. “Made us really happy, son.” He claps Lo on the back, his voice lower than normal.

  I watch it all go down, happy that my parents and my sister are getting everything they’ve ever wanted. A pang of sadness pierces my heart that I wasn’t the first one to announce a grandbaby. Being the firstborn—and the only son—there’s some pressure to carry on the Salerno name, but I’m thrilled for Dawn and Lorenzo. It also gets the heat off me for a while. Added bonus.

  When my sisters are done gaggling over one another like a bunch of hyenas, I nudge my way in front of my baby sis. I cup her cheek and swipe away a tear with my thumb. “You happy?” I ask, needing to see her eyes when she responds.

  Her chocolatey gaze lifts to mine. “This is what I always wanted. A family. My own family.” Her voice conveys nothing but awe.

  “And you’re getting it. So, I’ll ask again. You happy, sunshine?”

  “More than I ever thought possible,” she whispers back, and I lean my forehead against hers.

  “Proud of you. Going after what you want. Finding a good man in Lo. Making a home. And now you’re building a family.” I lay my hand over her stomach. “My baby sister is having a baby. Blessed. We are so blessed.”

  She nods against me and wraps her arms around my neck, and I hold her close.

  “Can’t wait to spoil him or her rotten.”

  Dawn laughs into my neck. “And I’ll let you.”

  Yeah, she will.

  Lorenzo taps my shoulder. “Can I have my wife back, bro?”

  I flinch off his hand. “Back off. Getting some love. Get your own.”

  “She is my own; you back off,” he jokes in return.

  Pulling away, I smile as Lorenzo pulls my baby sister into his arms. Can’t blame the man for loving my sister. She’s the best, and now they’re growing their family.

  “You good?” Lorenzo leans into Dawn’s face, capturing all of her attention. That’s how it’s always been with them since day one.

  That’s the kind of love I want. The kind where everyone in the room disappears when my woman is near.

  “The best. I love you,” she tells my brother-in-law.

  He says it back and kisses her. The entire room breaks out cheers.

  “We’ve got a baby on the way!” Ma announces proudly. “Go get the old vine reserve, Sal. We’re celebrating tonight!”

  I gulp my wine and take stock of my family. I was not kidding before. Blessed is what I am. Got a great set of parents, though nosey and intrusive. My five sisters are all happy and healthy. I’ve got my boxing gym and Lotus House. The only thing I don’t have is a woman to share it with.

  A heaviness breaches my chest. Regardless of what my ma thinks, I have kept my eye out for a good, honest woman to share my life with. Dated plenty of them. There’s just always been something missing. Either I’ve got too much going with work and the yoga studio to keep them happy, or they want more than I’m willing to give. And forget about the ones who want a man with money.

  The Bay Area is chock full of trophy wives. Bitches up on their high horses who think as long as a man has a large bankroll, he’s marriage material. I need a woman who doesn’t care how much money I bring in. Which isn’t much right now. The gym is only in its first few years, and I bought it off the last owner who let it get run down, so the equipment is not new. I just started getting a regular membership growing, which is why I work regularly at Lotus House. The only reason I can live in the pricey area is because of the apartment on top of the gym. The place came with it. Pretty much the only real thing of monetary value I own is the gym and my 1969 Chevy Camaro Z28 302 in stunning Daytona yellow with black racing stripes. I love that car almost as much as I love my dick. And that’s saying something.

  Outside of working my ass off and that car, I don’t have much to offer a woman. However, I’m building up the membership, getting regular fighters in for the league, including my Lotus House buddies, pro baller Trent Fox and his trainer Clayton Hart, as well as my buddy Dash Alexander and my old colleague Atlas Powers. Over the past few years, I’ve become pretty tight with the crew and have kept an eye on their women, whom I respect and care for like my very own sisters. Though, lately I’ve been hanging back now that all of them are paired up. No one likes to be odd man out or a fifth wheel. Still, I need to get back out there and play the field a little. I haven’t seen any action with the ladies in a long while, although that’s not for lack of interest.

  Hell, every day it seems like I’ve got a new clinger in one of my yoga classes. The women come out in droves, but I don’t tend to dip my stick where I eat. Meaning no Bettys from the studio. Then again, there haven’t been any worth breaking that rule for. I come across beautiful women every day in my classes, but I’ve never felt that spark, that sizzle that makes me look twice at someone.

  My pops always said I’d know it when it happens. When he met my mother back in high school, he was playing football, and she was a cheerleader for the opposing team. He said it was like he’d been hit upside the head by a linebacker the second his eyes landed on Josephine Ricci. After the game, he hunted her down and asked her out every day until she said yes. According to him, a woman may not know it’s right, but it’s up to us men to show them the errors of their ways.

  I want that. I want to look into a woman’s eyes and see my future, though at twenty-nine years old, I am starting to lose hope.

  Chapter Three

  The fifth of the seven chakras is all about willpower, making good choices, and the right to speak and be heard. A healthy throat chakra will empower an individual to always speak and tell the truth in all things. It is through this chakra that we manifest what we want in life. If it is blocked, the person is lost, lacking drive and motivation.

  HONOR

  Hannon,

  Doctor Hart says I need to find ways to deal with my grief and anger toward you. She suggested I journal it all down. I tried. It didn’t work. So, I’m trying something else. If I write to you
, it’s like you’re still here. Makes me feel like maybe, just maybe, the words will make it to you.

  Come back to me.

  Over the past two years, I haven’t been me. I don’t even know what me looks like anymore. I’ve got a degree I don’t use and money I don’t know what to do with. I still sleep in the same bed I have my entire life. Maybe I should get my own place? But then I would really be alone. Utterly alone. At least with Mom and Dad and the staff, someone is always here.

  I’m scared to be by myself. Scared of change. Scared of who I am without you.

  What should I do?

  How can I live without you?

  All my love,

  Honor

  As I close the journal, I stare out the window. His voice comes to me.

  Bunny…I’m always going to be with you. Just be still…find your peace.

  Again, his last words haunt my thoughts.

  “What does that mean?” I blink back the tears and wipe them away while staring out the window.

  The grounds of our estate are lush and green. Perfectly trimmed bushes surround multiple flower gardens, though we’re not allowed to pick the flowers. They’re just for show. Everything in my life is for show. Mother would go on a rampage if I picked a few to have in my room. She’d tell me to order them from the local florist and have them delivered, not pick them off the bushes and make them unbalanced.

  A knock at my door is promptly followed by the devil’s entrance.

  “Honor, you’re not dressed? The fundraiser is in one hour.” My mother’s voice needles my eardrums like nails on a chalkboard. “We need to show up in advance, give our support of the charity as their highest donor. We’re receiving an award this afternoon for our continued commitment.” She tuts.

  I sigh, stand, and walk to my closet, where one of my mother’s staff has left a dress. I didn’t pick it out or try it on; though, I’m sure it will fit perfectly. It has long sleeves as my mother wouldn’t want anyone to see the henna I’ve added to my body. Not that she cares what’s under the designs.