Silent Sins: A Lotus House Novel: Book Five
Page 17
The pretty doctor grins, lifts her head to the sky, and places both of her hands in a prayer pose. “Thank the good Lord above for this blessing.” She breathes in obvious gratitude and then lifts my arm. “And yes, I’m taking good care of her.”
Amber is Dr. Alexander, which reminds me of how I know her. It’s from that one time when I’d been at Sunflower Bakery with Grace. The doctor was holding hands with her husband, having coffee with the yogis. Great. Now everyone’s going to know what I’ve done.
A sense of dread mixes with the filth of why I’m lying in this hospital bed. A sour taste blooms on my tongue as it dawns on me that everyone is going to find out my secret. I reach for the pink cup of water near my side, but Nick gets to it first. Johnny-on-the-spot that one, titling the straw to my eager mouth.
“I’m sorry, Honor. Who’s this man that’s claiming to be your mate?” Sean asks, nonplussed. He’s been in my life for many years, and this is the first he’s hearing of him. I should have told him about Nick sooner, but I didn’t know where it was going. I had no idea he’d want to be with me. As in, the relationship type. And now here he is, holding my hand, petting my cheek, taking up every ounce of personal space I have.
“Um…he’s Nicholas Salerno. My uh…” I let the sentence fall off because we haven’t exactly had that discussion.
“Like I said, I’m her man. Now can you update me on her prognosis?” he demands flippantly, his eyes never leaving mine for a second.
Sean narrows his gaze and then looks to me. His shoulder falls, and he frowns. “I’m afraid I can’t do that. Honor will have to discuss with you what happened on her own terms. Dr. Alexander? Are you done?”
While the men were verbally battling, the good doctor promptly and rather efficiently changed my soiled bandages.
“Thank you,” I murmur, wishing she’d just leave. Wishing they’d all leave so I could wallow in peace.
Sean and Amber exit the room and close the door.
“Fuck, babe.” Nick sits in the chair by my side and brings his face close, kissing me. The gentle press of his lips is worshiping, reaffirming. His kiss speaks of intense relief and concern. When he pulls away, he doesn’t go far, only a few inches from my face. “How did this happen?”
I swallow, firm my resolve, and decide if he knows the truth, maybe he’ll be so disgusted he won’t bother with me anymore. It’s as good a plan as any. He deserves to know what kind of woman he’s committing to.
Using up every ounce of courage I have, I say the words I’m sure he wouldn’t ever expect to hear.
“I cut myself. I’ve been hurting myself for years. This is just the first time it went too far. Apparently, I passed out last night on the floor in my hotel. The maid found me in a pool of my own blood. She must have called an ambulance.”
Nick clenches his teeth, his jaw firming into what looks like chiseled granite. I continue undaunted. If it gets him to leave me alone, free himself of the nonsense that he should be with me, then all the better.
“Sean Tillman, the doctor who was here, is my dead brother’s ex-boyfriend. He used to be family. Now I don’t know what he is. So that’s it. You can leave now.” I inhale slowly. “Nick, you don’t need or deserve any of this.”
He scowls before responding. “How’s about you shut it and let me decide what I need!” His voice is hard, firm, and without a hint of where he’s headed with his thoughts on what I’ve just said.
To say I’m frightened to hear his reaction is an understatement. I’d rather have holes drilled in my teeth than listen to him tell me how horrible I am or see the pity in his eyes. It’s a look I’d recognize anywhere because my mother gives me the same one anytime I’m within touching distance. Whatever he has to say and throw my way, I’ll take. I deserve whatever disgust and disappointment he’s going to spew anyway. I’ll store it all inside. I’ll need it in order to let him go.
“What led to what took place last night?” His question is calm and direct. Not a lot of emotion, which I appreciate.
I lick my lips and focus on his gaze, trying to make sense of his question. “Each time is different. Last night went too far.”
“That’s not what I asked, Dove, now is it?” His words this time come in a bear-like growl. “I asked what happened yesterday to spur this action? The night before you were fine. We talked on the phone. You said you had an appointment in the morning and would come to the gym to start work. You didn’t show. I worried. You didn’t answer your phone. I had no way to contact you. I was out of my mind, Honor. I knew with my entire being something was wrong and had no fucking way to fix it. Do you know what that’s like?”
If the bed wasn’t holding me up, I’d have fallen through the ground. “Nick…I’m sorry. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind.”
He curls his hand around my neck and swipes at a tear falling from my cheek. “I get that. But the only way I found you was by calling every hospital until one of them had a patient with your name. Do you have any idea how fucking scared I was? Do you, Honor?” This time his voice is full of emotion. Fear, anger, concern, and a little of something I can’t begin to define.
“Nick…”
He cuts me off before I can genuinely apologize.
“No, Honor. I want to know what happened before you hurt yourself. The straight-up truth.”
Tears cloud my vision as I think back to yesterday. I started the day out happy. Excited, even. “I, uh, went to see my psychologist. Dr. Hart.”
He tips his chin up and sets a heavy hand to my thigh and the other to my shoulder. It’s as if he can’t stop touching me. “Monet Hart?”
I close my eyes and take a breath, trying not to revisit the emotions that came with yesterday’s episode. “Yes. She figured out that the two of you are friends.”
“Yeah, and? She’s a great doctor, good at what she does, I hear. Amazing woman too. Her and her husband, Clay, are some of my best buddies.”
Him touting her praise rankles my nerves, but I shouldn’t care. He’ll leave me soon enough, so it doesn’t matter what he thinks of other women. “Yes, well be that as it may, she said she couldn’t be my doctor because the two of you were friends.”
Nick scrubs at the scruff on his chin; the sound of his whiskers scraping along his palm is like a balm to my battered soul. It would be so easy to drown in his nearness and the peace he brings with him, to wrap my arms around him and never let go…but it’s wrong. Bringing Nick down to lift myself up is not how a healthy relationship works.
“And this upset you?”
I grimace. “She’s the first doctor I’ve ever felt comfortable with. The only woman I confided in, and told all of my…um, secrets.” I glance down at my bandaged arm and then back at him. “I thought she cared…” I can hear my own voice rising, but I barely recognize it.
Nick rubs one hand along my leg and thigh and grasps my shoulder with the other. “Babe, I’m sure she does care.”
I shake my head furiously as the tears wet my nightgown. “You see, there’s where you’re wrong. The second she could find a way to remove me from her life, she did. Just like everyone else. And then after I ran out of her office, my mother called. Told me how horrible I am as a daughter, demanded I move back home, go out with that man…” I ramble on. What I don’t realize is the beast awakening in the man next to me. I’m so focused on getting it all out, easing my conscience for a moment, I don’t notice what I’ve said until the pressure on my thigh turns almost painful, and I glare up at Nick.
His eyes are daggers of rage, and his mouth is formed in a scowl. “Your mother normally say off-color things to you?”
I nod, afraid to say anything more.
“Set you up with men you don’t want?”
I nod again.
“She hurt you with her words a lot?”
More nodding.
Nick stares into my eyes, and I swear he’s seeing straight through to the barely flickering light of my wounded soul. This man can ruin me with one l
ook. One word. A simple touch of his hand. I want him desperately, but he’s better off not wanting me. I could so easily imagine a good life away from all the despicable things surrounding me if I only had him. I’d give it all up. The money, the status, anything to have him. Except, I’m not enough. He deserves perfection, not a broken shell of a woman with nothing more to offer than a scarred body and torn heart.
He looks at my face and focuses on my bandaged hand. Every so slowly he lifts my hand, placing it into his. With a featherlight touch, he runs three fingertips up my exposed inner arm. When he reaches the first hidden line, he traces its length. A shiver ripples through me.
“What brought this on?”
I choke on a sob but don’t so much as flicker my gaze away from his. He waits patiently. “My mother was angry when I slipped and collided with a waiter at a social function. He dropped several glasses of wine and champagne. My lack of grace took away from her function and laid waste to a disaster people spoke of later. She didn’t like that and made sure I knew it.”
He squints, his pupils narrowing to tiny dots. He brings his fingers to another jagged scar. I’d opened that one twice, which is why it’s more raised than the others.
“This one is worse,” he says conversationally, but each finger to one of my sins is opening me up anew; the physical manifestation of the blood not being present doesn’t matter. It’s the raw truth that leaves with each confession.
I shake my head. “No. Sometimes I reopen them. It makes a bigger scar,” I admit, still holding his gaze.
Nick’s lips curl into a frown. “And this one?” He reaches another one.
“I missed Hannon.”
“And how did missing your brother turn into needing pain?”
Needing pain is not usually how I imagine others would describe what I’ve done. It’s absolutely the exact right description for why I do what I do, but it’s not often that someone understands it so completely.
I shrug, not wanting to answer.
“Words, Honor. You owe me that.” And he’s right, I do. He’s here, still with me, and I don’t know why he hasn’t left the room and run as far away as he can get from the broken mess that I am.
I lick my lips and let my heart offer a response. “At least if I have pain, I feel something other than grief. Sadness. The worst is when I just feel numb. The pain takes that all away, and for a time, I feel…”
“Relief.”
I suck in a sharp breath and pull my arm away. My heart pounds a beat so hard in my chest, I can barely breathe. “Nick…” I nearly suffocate with the power that single word holds.
Nick grabs my hand and holds it between both of his before running his hand back down my arm to feel each scar. “I know a thing or two about needing to feel something, Dove. Watching men die for their country, my brethren, men I worked with, cared for, and then lost within a blink of an eye. It changed me. Gutted me in ways I can’t begin to explain. It’s why I lift iron. Punish my muscles. And when that’s not enough, I get into the ring, punch any man who dares to get in and fight. It may not be cutting open my skin, but it hurts, every day. I need the pain to keep the demons away.”
I gasp, his words digging so deep within me, I don’t know where he begins and I end. I sit up and lock my hands around his neck, needing him closer, plastered against my body. The urge is overwhelming. He must feel it too because he stands, scoots onto the bed, and tucks me along his chest. His chin rests against the crown of my head, surrounding me fully with his embrace.
“Honor, I get you on a level no man will ever understand. And I want to teach you healthy ways to get through your depression, anger, and grief so that the bite of the razor doesn’t call to you. Never does again.” He clears his throat. “Would you let me inside, let me help you deal with these wounds?”
Let him inside.
Help me.
It all sounds so surreal. The only man who ever cared was Hannon. And what Nick shared, he does understand, maybe better than I do.
“Why?” I need to hear what is compelling him. What’s inside this good and honest soul that wants to trudge into the ugly unknown with me.
“Because when I’m with you, my demons disappear. You do that for me. Your presence, your smile, the goodness I see every time I look at you. It’s as if you were put on this earth for me and me alone. You’re my broken dove, but together, we’ll fly free. Free of the pasts that haunt us.” Nick runs his fingers through the tendrils of my hair before continuing. “It may be selfish of me to want you close, to be that shoulder you cry on, but babe, every time I hold you, a little of my own hurts fade away.”
I close my eyes and nuzzle my nose against the center of his chest. “I want you, Nick, but I don’t want to bring you down.” My voice quavers and shakes.
He tips my chin up with his thumb and forefinger. “Hey, you only lift me up. Remember what I said: We brave it together; we fly free together. You and me. Maybe that’s why I’m attracted to you. Aside from your gorgeous face and big tits, that is.” He grins and kisses my forehead.
A small chuckle slips from my lips, and I can hardly believe I’m in a hospital bed, snuggled into the most amazing man’s chest, after having suffered a tragedy I didn’t mean to inflict on myself, and here I am laughing. Not hardy-har-har type guffaws, but like the light flickering in the center of my chest is getting bigger and brighter. And it’s all because of this man.
“Do you think you can do that? Let me be there for you?”
I press my lips together and think about what he’s offering. It’s almost too good to be true. “I can try.” I’m almost afraid of the words as I whisper them, not wanting to do anything that could let him down again.
“That’s the best I can hope for. And while we’re doing that, we’re going to work with Moe to figure out your therapy.”
I frown. “Moe?”
“Monet Hart. She’s Moe to all of us.”
I nod.
“Have you called her? Does she know you’re here?”
I shake my head and snuggle close, suddenly so tired. My mind feels like it’s been on a merry-go-round, which hasn’t stopped spinning in days. I just need a moment to breathe.
For long minutes, Nick runs his fingers through my hair and holds me close as best he can around the IV and bandages. He kisses the top of my head and whispers. “I’m going to be here for you. I promise you’re not alone anymore.”
His words sound like a benediction, a promise. I curl my fingers into the soft fabric of his T-shirt, take a deep breath, and sink into his embrace. “Please don’t make me love you…” I sigh. “I’ll never recover when you leave.”
Nick’s arms tighten around my body, and he tugs the blanket over us both. “Not going anywhere. You rest, get better so I can take you home. We’ll worry about everything else one day at a time. One day at a time.”
The last thing I hear is Nick’s steady heartbeat lulling me to sleep, and I feel the press of his lips against the crown of my head.
Chapter Fourteen
Mermaid Pose (Sanskrit: Eka Pada Raja Kapotasna)
This pose will open your heart and chest, expand your flexibility, and you’ll look beautiful doing it. This pose is an advanced level pose and a variation of pigeon pose. Start this pose by placing one leg out behind you. Bring the other knee in front of you in a bent position so that the heel of your foot crosses under the body. Then bend over your knee, learning to stretch that hamstring, quad, and leg in a different way. You can use your hands to press the upper body up and arch back as much as you are comfortable. Once you are flexible enough, you can bend the back leg up, foot pointed to the sky, and grab onto the foot during your arch.
NICHOLAS
“Nick? What can I do for you this morning?” Monet answers my call on the first ring, sounding chipper and friendly.
“Hey, Moe, it’s uh…” I run my fingers through my hair and look over my shoulder at my girl sleeping soundly in the hospital bed. “It’s Honor.”
“She’s in the hospital.” I clear my voice. “Alive.”
Thank Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
“Nick, I’m sorry. What happened yesterday…” Her voice trails off, losing momentum.
“What did happen yesterday?” I urge, a hint of anger and accusation filling my tone.
“You know I can’t discuss client sessions.”
“Moe, she took a razor to her wrist. Bled all over the floor of her bathroom until the maid found her. Now, I don’t give a flying fuck about your ethics and shit! What I need to know is what are you going to do to help me turn this around?” I growl into the phone, barely containing my anger. I want to pound my anger into the wall in front of me, but instead, I curl my hand into a tight fist and hold it there.
Breathe. She’s okay. You’re here with her. She’s safe.
“My God.” The way her voice shakes, I can tell she’s deeply affected. There’s no way that Moe doesn’t care for Honor. I glance over my shoulder, taking in her white-blond hair, pale skin, and delicate features. She’s innocent, hurting, and needs a lot of help. Help I’m determined to get her.
“Yeah, and she thinks you fucking abandoned her.”
“I did no such thing.” Her tone is indignant. “She wouldn’t let me explain, but it’s not uncommon for a doctor to need to excuse themselves from giving treatment when they can’t be objective.” She takes on her doctor speak, but I don’t give a shit. All I care about is answers. How to get Honor back on track and getting the help she obviously needs.
“Nick, I offered to refer her to another doctor. My own, in fact. A female doctor she can connect with, someone I trust implicitly.”
“Fine. Great. Get her to the hospital.” I start pacing the corridor, ideas skipping through my mind. I make a mental checklist of items I can work on toward getting my girl back to a good place. “I want a set plan before they release her.”