Pastures New

by Julia Williams

  So, a little later, humming to the tune playing on the radio, she was cheerfully busying herself in the kitchen when the doorbell rang. Puzzled, she went to answer it. She wasn’t expecting anyone, and although Harry had taken to popping in from time to time to borrow some milk or play a game with Josh, she knew he had gone out to see friends today. She had been enjoying his avuncular concern. He was an easy person to be around, and it did Josh good to have a grandfatherly figure about. They often spent time with Harry at the weekends, taking the odd walk, going for pub lunches. Despite her differences with Mary, Amy recognised she had lost a useful support system, and Harry was doing a good job of plugging the gap.

  She opened the door, and nearly passed out.

  ‘Mary! What a surprise!’ She hoped the shock in her face wasn’t too obvious. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see Mary, but it would have been nice to have had some prior warning.

  ‘Well, I was coming to visit my sister in Romford,’ said Mary, in rather stiff tones, ‘so I thought I’d pop in to see how you were both doing. I hope you don’t mind.’ Romford to Nevermorewell was a good hour and a half. Something told Amy this wasn’t a spontaneous visit.

  ‘Mind? Of course I don’t mind,’ lied Amy, hoping the house wasn’t too untidy. ‘It’s lovely to see you. Josh, look who’s here!’

  Josh, who had been playing with his train set in the front room, came diving out when he heard Mary’s voice.

  ‘Granneeee!’ he shrieked in delight, and flung himself at her.

  Amy was relieved to see the pleasure in Mary’s face when she hugged her grandson. After all, it wasn’t really Amy she had come to see. And whether or not Amy cared to admit it, by moving away from Mary, she had taken away from her mother-in-law all that was left of Jamie. Josh, too, seemed ecstatic to see his grandmother. Amy had been fretting that he had seemed very quiet since the move. Now, seeing him so natural with Mary, she realised he hadn’t been his normal self. The old guilt welled up inside her, threatening to engulf the good feelings and bring her right back to square one. Mary’s next comment didn’t help much either.

  ‘Oh, I have missed you both!’ she said. ‘The house seems so quiet without you. No chance that you’ll change your mind, I suppose?’

  ‘We’ve only just got here,’ said Amy, trying to laugh it off and ignore the feelings of resentment the remark engendered.

  ‘Granny could come and live here,’ suggested Josh.

  ‘I don’t think that’s going to be possible, Josh,’ said Mary. She glanced at Amy, as if to say, is it?

  Amy tried to ignore that comment too. The last thing she wanted right now was to have Mary round the corner again, even if she wanted to move out this way. And as they sat politely sipping their tea, Amy was suddenly struck by the gulf that had grown between them. It had only been a few weeks, but already she and Mary were strangers in this new environment; and yet, after Jamie’s death they had seemed so close. Irritated as she was by Mary, Amy couldn’t bear to lose that, and for Josh’s sake it wasn’t fair. So she asked suitable questions about Mary’s life and filled her in on their own doings. And then Josh mentioned Ben.

  ‘And who’s Ben?’ asked Mary. ‘One of your little play-mates?’

  ‘Oh no,’ said Josh in disgusted tones. ‘Ben’s well old. As old as Mummy.’

  ‘And?’ Mary looked askance at Amy.

  ‘And what?’ said Amy. ‘Ben’s someone I met on the allotments.’

  ‘Yes, and Mummy borrowed his clothes and he lent me his Spiderman DVD when we were at his house. He’s really cool.’

  ‘I see,’ said Mary testily.

  No, you don’t, Amy wanted to reply, but restrained herself.

  ‘Yes, it was a bit embarrassing really,’ said Amy, wondering why she felt the need to justify herself. ‘I had a problem with the plumbing and then I got a bit mucky on the allotments so he lent me some clothes. I barely know him.’ She was aware she was gabbling. She was further aware that the more she gabbled, the more sceptically Mary looked at her.

  ‘Well, I suppose it was inevitable that you would find a new man one day,’ said Mary, ‘but I have to say I’m surprised that you’re rushing things.’

  Amy blushed, immediately furious with herself for doing so. She had nothing to be embarrassed about or apologise for.

  ‘Mary, I don’t have a new man,’ she said. ‘He’s just someone who helped me out.’

  ‘If you say so,’ said Mary.

  ‘No, really,’ said Amy. ‘There is absolutely nothing going on between us, and even if there were, I don’t really see that it’s any of your business.’

  The words were out before she could stop them, and she cursed herself when she saw the look on Mary’s face. It was as though Amy had punched her in the stomach.

  ‘Mary, I didn’t mean – that came out wrong,’ Amy began.

  ‘Your meaning was perfectly clear,’ said Mary. ‘It’s all right, I won’t stay where I’m not wanted.’

  ‘Mary!’ cried Amy, but Mary didn’t reply. Giving Josh a brief hug, she picked up her things, then was out of the door and gone.

  ‘Why didn’t Granny stay?’ Josh wanted to know.

  ‘She was in a bit of a hurry,’ said Amy miserably. ‘She’ll come back another day.’ She desperately hoped that was true.

  ‘I want Granny! I want Granny!’ Josh started to wail.

  ‘Oh sweetheart, we’ll see her soon.’ Amy tried to cuddle Josh, but he kicked her and ran off screaming, ‘I hate you! I hate it here! I want Granny!’

  ‘Josh!’ Amy was shocked. He’d never behaved like this before.

  There was a twenty-minute standoff, during which Josh screamed and flung himself on the floor, before eventually retreating to hide under the table in the lounge. Amy managed to wheedle him out with the promise of chocolate – a bribe she knew she would later regret – and when he’d finally calmed down, she said, ‘Come on, let’s go on the allotments, the fresh air will do us both good.’

  The tantrum now over, Josh seemed happy enough to come out with her, but if Amy had hoped for some kind of redemption from the allotments, it wasn’t forth-coming. Mary’s visit had left her feeling unsettled and miserable. It was a grey, dull day, and the smell of burning fires made her feel melancholy. The sound of leaves crunching underfoot reminded Amy that winter was on its way. Winter, and another Christmas to face without Jamie.

  Several people she knew by sight nodded at her, but no one stopped for a chat. The strange man she’d seen on her first day here sidled up to her as she passed his allotment. ‘It’s a war zone out there,’ he said, his soft Suffolk burr making a surreal contrast with the writhing bucket he thrust under her nose. It contained a wriggling mass of slugs. Amy didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  ‘Bastard slugs get everywhere,’ he added, ‘but they’re no match for old Jeremy.’ He cackled in an alarming way before setting the bucket on the ground and pouring a brown liquid into it.

  ‘Beer,’ he said by way of explanation, cracking his fingers. ‘Gets bastard slugs every time.’

  ‘Right,’ said Amy. ‘Well, I’d best get on.’

  The encounter unsettled her, and despite Josh’s presence she felt desperately alone. She threw herself into her digging as a way of venting her emotion, but it was no good – seeing Mary again had pulled her back to the life she had left behind. Pictures of Jamie, which she had started to hold at bay here, in her new home, came flooding back.

  Amy was on a boat. The sun was shining, and a band was playing on the quayside as the boat pulled out to sea. She could see Jamie up ahead with Josh in his arms, striding towards the outside decks. Why wasn’t she with them? It didn’t make sense. She was glad that Jamie was there. She had a strange feeling, as if something bad had happened to him. But of course it hadn’t. There he was ahead of her. She called his name. But Jamie didn’t turn round.

  She hurried to follow them, calling Jamie’s name again. Why couldn’t he hear her? But when she got outside, he
and Josh had vanished. Frantically she asked her fellow passengers if they had seen a man carrying a boy, but everyone looked at her blankly and passed on their way.

  A feeling of panic was rising inside her. Something was terribly wrong, but by now the boat was docking at a harbour, and Amy was standing on dry land again. The sun burned hot in the sky, and the band was playing an old music-hall tune, louder and louder, faster and faster. People were swirling past her, laughing and joking, having a wonderful time completely oblivious to her.

  Up on the boat, she noticed flags waving, and people cheering. Where were Jamie and Josh? Then she spotted them high up on the top deck of the boat. Jamie had his back to her and was bouncing Josh in the air. She called to him again. But he didn’t turn around. Why wouldn’t he turn around?

  Up and down. Up and down. Jamie kept throwing Josh, higher and higher. He didn’t hear her shout of warning, and suddenly Josh was falling, falling out of his father’s hands over the side of the boat. Amy screamed and called for help. And finally, Jamie turned to look at her. It wasn’t Jamie at all, but a hideous grinning corpse. Amy screamed and screamed, but no sound came out …

  Amy sat bolt upright in bed, sweating profusely. Her heart was beating wildly and her breathing was erratic. She turned the light on and looked at the alarm clock. It was 2 a.m. Beside her in the bed, Josh muttered and moaned. Damn. When had he come in? Amy would have taken him back to bed, but the dream had unsettled her. She felt like company tonight. And the sight of Josh lying safe next to her did a lot to dispel the awful dream picture of him falling, falling, falling. Amy shivered. The thought of losing Josh as well was too much to bear. She couldn’t face trying to sleep again, so she got out a book and read until she could read no more, and the book slid out of her hands.

  The morning dawned grey and miserable. Amy felt tired and listless, and Josh, seeming to pick up on her mood, was crabby and badly behaved. She let him watch Spiderman again while she cooked lunch, and then decided they both needed to get out of the house. In her wanderings the previous week, Amy had discovered a little park just before you hit the high street. And as Josh had gone into Spidey overdrive, attacking her at every opportunity, she also decided that it was time she gave Ben his DVD back. If they cut up through the graveyard, Ben’s house was on the way back. So, putting the DVD in her pocket and making a resolute decision to try to be cheerful, Amy and Josh set off.

  Ben had just come in from the allotments and was in the shower, when the doorbell rang.

  Damn, who could that be? he wondered. He wasn’t really in the mood for visitors. Caroline had just emailed to invite him to spend Christmas skiing with her in Colorado. Dave behind the Bar will B there 2! she had said. It will b great! He was sorely tempted by the skiing. But the idea of being used in one of Caroline’s silly games really didn’t appeal. He was probably on call anyway.

  The doorbell rang again. It was most likely Harry, who was about the only person besides Pete who ever came to see him. Ben hadn’t lived in Nevermorewell long, and his job meant he was always slightly wary about making new friends too close to home. Harry tended to pop over sometimes on Sunday evenings, often to ask him to come for a pint. Ben knew Harry was lonely, and found his war stories fascinating, so he never said no. Besides, Ben rarely went to the pub with his own dad, and going out with Harry fulfilled some deep need.

  Despite his inclination to leave whoever it was out there, Ben felt he’d better answer it. He shouted, ‘Hang on a sec’, flung a towel around his waist and raced down the stairs to the door.

  ‘What can I do for you today, Harry?’ he was halfway through saying, when he realised it wasn’t Harry.

  There on the doorstep stood a very disconcerted Amy and Josh.

  ‘Er – we’ll come back another time,’ said Amy, blushing. Up close and personal it was a sudden shock to discover that Ben was, well … sexy. She hadn’t noticed before quite how firm his chest was, or how strong his arms … It must be all that digging.

  ‘No, it’s fine,’ said Ben, thinking how pretty she looked when she blushed. ‘I’ll – just throw some clothes on. Why don’t you make yourself at home? I’ll bung the kettle on.’

  ‘Well, if you’re sure …’ Amy sounded doubtful. ‘I was just bringing the DVD back. We can come back another time.’ She seemed destined to always meet this man in the most awkward of circumstances.

  ‘Why, have you got any better offers?’ he said.

  Amy laughed. ‘Hardly,’ she replied. ‘Go on then, where do you keep your teabags?’

  While Amy hunted for mugs, Josh was getting bored.

  ‘Can I go in the garden?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, so long as you don’t get into mischief,’ said Amy, ‘and remember, it’s not our lawn so don’t scuff it up.’

  Two minutes later, Ben appeared just as Amy was taking two cups of tea into the lounge. Casually dressed in blue shirt and jeans, with his hair still slightly damp from the shower, Amy was totally unprepared for the effect he had on her. Maybe it was the thought of having seen that body so recently unclothed, but Amy was coming out in a cold sweat. She must have been blind not to have noticed how gorgeous he was.

  His dark hair was slightly mussed up, and his brown eyes were lively and curious, while his mouth – which seemed to be shaping words that for some reason Amy wasn’t hearing – his mouth was eminently kissable. Her heart beat a little faster and she felt faintly sick. She hadn’t felt like this – well, since she’d met Jamie. Jamie’s face shot into her head. And she felt a sudden lurch of guilt.

  They reached the doorway of the lounge at the same time, and Ben stood aside to let her pass. The guilty tension she felt was churned up with a desire she couldn’t repress. She felt dizzy. Then the words he was forming seemed to make sense.

  ‘Ladies first,’ he said, his smile illuminating his face.

  Squeezing past him, a sudden vision hit her of being held by those arms, kissed by that mouth, pressed close to that chest. What was going on?

  Understanding for perhaps the first time in her life what was meant by going weak at the knees, Amy mumbled something about tea being ready, before collapsing thankfully on the sofa.

  Ben perched on a chair opposite her. There was a long silence, neither of them knowing quite what to say.

  ‘So, did you enjoy the film?’

  ‘Have you been on the allotments?’

  They spoke simultaneously, and then laughed.

  ‘You first,’ said Ben.

  ‘No, you,’ said Amy.

  ‘After you,’ said Ben. ‘I insist.’

  ‘I was just making small talk,’ said Amy, feeling faintly silly. ‘But yes, we did. Well, Josh did.’

  ‘Me too,’ said Ben. ‘But as it happens, I have been on the allotments.’

  They sat for a moment, saying nothing and sipping their tea. After a few moments the silence between them grew in magnitude. Amy felt paralysed by the strangeness of her new feelings, and totally unable to say another word. This was ridiculous. She wasn’t a teenager any more. And she had no interest in Ben. None at all.

  ‘So what do we talk about when we run out of small talk?’ asked Ben eventually.

  ‘Ooh, I don’t know,’ said Amy. ‘The weather?’

  ‘Whatever turns you on,’ said Ben, laughing. Then thought, damn, that was a crass thing to say.

  Luckily, Amy didn’t seem offended.

  ‘We-e-ell, I can’t say that the weather is a topic that really gets me going,’ she said, ‘but now you’ve made me curious. What does interest you?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know, all sorts,’ said Ben. ‘Formula One.’ Amy pulled a face. ‘Okay, we won’t talk about cars. I’m interested in health issues, which we won’t discuss because that’s work. I like politics, but if we think differently we might fall out. Books are usually a safe bet. Oh, and I’m also keen on local history –’

  ‘Ah, now there you have found a subject close to my heart,’ said Amy. ‘I find local history fascinating. I
had to research a lot about Barnet for school trips with Year5. It was really interesting. The kids always laughed when I told them the origin of the phrase “a barnet” for a haircut.’

  ‘Which is?’

  ‘Cockney rhyming slang – Barnet Fair, hair,’ said Amy.

  ‘Right,’ said Ben, laughing. ‘If you’re interested, I’ve got lots of books on Nevermorewell. They reckon there was a hamlet here as far back as Anglo-Saxon times, but the town didn’t really get going till Norman times. They built on a river for obvious reasons, but in olden days it was reckoned to be a healthy sort of place to live. “You’re Never More Well than when you’re in Nevermorewell”, is the saying around here.’

  ‘Saffron mentioned that,’ said Amy. ‘I’ll have to come back and borrow a few books sometime.’

  They smiled at one another, pleased to have found some common ground. Amy glanced at her watch.

  ‘Sheesh! Is that the time? I’d better get going,’ she said. ‘I need to sort Josh’s tea out.’

  ‘You could both eat here if you like? I can rustle up a mean stir-fry.’

  ‘No, thanks, it’s very kind of you,’ Amy said, sorely tempted at the prospect of company as well as someone cooking for her, ‘but he’s got school tomorrow and needs an early night. I really ought to drag him in from the garden.’

  They both got up and had another moment’s awkwardness while they nearly fell over each other trying to negotiate round Ben’s tiny table.

  Amy’s confusion made her slightly jumpy. Once outside, when they couldn’t find Josh, she started to panic, until Ben laughed and said, ‘I see you’ve found my prized possession.’

  At the bottom of Ben’s garden in the far corner was a small garage. With a gleaming black and silver motorbike in it. Amy hadn’t thought about the bike since their first meeting. And there was Josh, sitting triumphantly on the seat, his legs dangling down at the sides. Amy took a deep breath. She should be over this paranoia about motorbikes. Really she should. But she wasn’t. What was it with men and motorbikes? It was Jamie’s obsession with his that had led to his death.