Pastures New

by Julia Williams

  ‘Ben, how fantastic you could come after all.’ His mum knew how to press all the right buttons. Now he was feeling guilty for using his parents as an escape route from facing up to Amy, as well as feeling guilty about running away in the first place. Ben bent down to kiss his mother, all five foot two of her. She seemed to shrink every time he saw her.

  ‘Sorry it was such short notice,’ said Ben. ‘The on-call thing was a bit of a pain.’

  ‘Well, you’re here now,’ his mum beamed widely. She was so pleased to see him. He was crap about coming. He should come more.

  ‘How are you both?’

  ‘Oh, fine, fine,’ said his mother, bustling about making tea, while his dad just grunted from behind his paper.

  Ben’s heart sank. The lounge, still complete with seventies flock wallpaper, swirling brown carpet and boarded-up fireplace, hadn’t changed in nearly thirty years. The artificial tree had finally been replaced by a real one, but it was slightly lopsided and shedding pine needles faster than his mother could sweep them up. The Christmas decorations, lovingly removed and scrubbed free of dust every year, looked gaudier than ever. And now there were the three of them, sitting staring at each other, not knowing what to say. Never knowing what to say. Ben thought fleetingly of the warmth and happiness in Saffron’s house, and compared it with the sterility of his own. It wasn’t that there was a lack of love in his home, it’s just that it was fossilised, trapped in time, and stuck in that one day, all those years ago, where they were all doomed to stay forever.

  He thought of Amy and his heart ached for her. She too was trapped in a moment of pain. And so long as Josh prevented her, she would be unable to move on either. Ben had to face it. However much he wished things could be different, there was nothing he could do to change them. Either for his parents, or for Amy. It was just the way things were.

  Saffron was feeling gloomy as she plonked pansies in Linda Lovelace’s pots. She couldn’t quite believe how disastrously Christmas had ended up. Her mum had been unable to shake off her stomach bug, so the promise of a New Year’s Eve out hadn’t materialised. Instead Saffron had invited several people round for drinks, but everyone was busy. That being the case, she had thought at least she and Pete could have a cosy evening watching TV in bed, but nothing much was doing there, either. Although she and Pete had managed sex a couple of times over the Christmas period, they had been desultory occasions, and Saffron had the feeling that not only was her own fire not lit, but Pete’s had nearly blown out. The sight of milk spouting from her boobs was, she suspected, going to stay with them both for a long time. Perhaps she should start taking lessons from Linda Lovelace. She snorted loudly at the thought.

  It was a relief that the kids had gone back to school so soon after the New Year, and she and Amy could get back to work. It gave her something else to think about.

  ‘How much more to do?’ Amy came wandering down Linda’s huge garden bearing cups of tea. She looked pale, Saffron thought. She had also been withdrawn since Christmas. This was the first time that they’d seen each other for more than five minutes. Amy had been elusive, and had cried off the New Year’s Eve invite.

  It was most odd. Saffron had had the distinct idea that something had been going on between Amy and Ben on Christmas Day, but nothing since then seemed to suggest it had. Ben also seemed to have disappeared off the face of the universe – or certainly the allotments – even Harry didn’t know where he was. It was most unsettling.

  Damn it, all this pondering wasn’t going to get Linda’s pansies planted.

  ‘There’s a fair amount, still,’ said Saffron, waving towards one of Linda’s many flowerbeds. ‘There are a whole load more plants by the greenhouse.’

  ‘I love pansies,’ said Amy, as she picked up a tray of them. ‘They’re so sweet. I always think they look as though they have little faces, don’t you?’

  ‘You have the strangest ideas, but I see what you mean,’ laughed Saffron. ‘Are you okay? You look a bit peaky.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ said Amy. ‘I haven’t been sleeping well. Josh has been a bit upset. He missed his granny over Christmas.’

  Her look brooked no further discussion, so Saffron left it alone, turning her thoughts once more to the crisis in her own love life. She was getting so desperate that perhaps taking lessons from Linda Lovelace wasn’t such a stupid idea after all. She had to do something to restore not just her libido, but Pete’s.

  The ringing of Amy’s mobile jolted her out of her thoughts. ‘He was where? Doing what? How on earth did that happen? Right, I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

  ‘Problem?’

  ‘That was the school,’ said Amy. ‘Josh escaped from the playground at lunchtime, and they’ve just found him down by the river. I’ve got to go.’

  Amy rang the buzzer at the main door of the school, her heart thumping nineteen to the dozen. Such a shame schools had to have so much security these days. Even more of a shame that, for all the security, no one had kept an eye out for her son. She could get cross about that if she chose, but she was feeling so guilty about Josh that she didn’t think she’d be able to bring herself to. This was all her fault. It had to be.

  Josh hadn’t been the same since he’d caught Amy and Ben kissing. His behaviour over the Christmas period had been abysmal. He had disobeyed her constantly, and screamed and shouted when she told him off. His tantrums were spectacular, and then when they were over he would break down into sobbing fits that lasted ages.

  And now this. Amy had already been beside herself not knowing what to do, or who to turn to. She couldn’t even talk to Saffron, whom she would trust with her life. How to admit to someone else that you had just screwed your kid up?

  But now it looked like her choice would be made for her. No doubt Josh had told his teachers what kind of a mum he had. And they would be forming their own conclusions. No, don’t be paranoid, Amy told herself. She had sat on the other side of the desk in these situations, after all, and had felt for a mother struggling through no fault of her own. Why would Josh’s teachers be any different?

  To her relief, Josh’s teachers were so wound up about the fact that he had escaped that they weren’t looking to blame poor parenting for his bolting lapse.

  ‘We are so sorry, Mrs Nicolson,’ said Miss Burrows, who had taken Amy off into an unused classroom. ‘It appears that there is a gap in the fence in the playground that no one knew was there. Josh wriggled through it at the end of lunchtime play, and we only realised he was missing when we called the register. Luckily he’d told Matt what he was doing, so we were able to get him back pretty quickly.’

  Amy was shaking by now at the thought of what might have happened.

  ‘But he’s okay?’ she said, her voice trembling.

  ‘Yes, thank God,’ said Miss Burrows. ‘He gave us all a fright, but though we found him by the river, he seemed to at least have the sense not to go near it.’

  ‘Can I see him?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Miss Burrows. ‘He’s very upset, so it might be best if he went home for the afternoon.’

  ‘Has he said why he did it?’ Amy asked, feeling sure that any minute now a hand of God was going to fall in front of her saying, It’s Your Fault, Bad, Bad Mother!

  ‘No, he hasn’t breathed a word. All I could get out of him was that he wanted to go and see his granny.’

  Amy sighed. ‘He probably does,’ she said. ‘Oh God, this is all my fault. I took him away to a new place, away from all his familiar surroundings. Of course he wants to see Granny.’

  ‘It is true that Josh has been having some trouble settling in,’ said Miss Burrows. ‘But I am surprised at this. I hadn’t got him taped as a bolter.’

  Amy laughed through her sniffles.

  ‘It isn’t like him, it’s true,’ she said. She couldn’t face admitting that she had added to Josh’s problems by kissing Ben. ‘I’ll have a long chat with him. It won’t happen again, I promise.’

  Saffron had tidied u
p the rest of the pots, and was heading for the kitchen door, where Linda Lovelace was on the phone. Linda nodded to Saffron to put the cups down on the side. Saffron didn’t like to come in with her muddy boots, but Linda waved her inside.

  ‘Yes, doll,’ she was saying. ‘I do classes on a Wednesday and Thursday evening at Legends nightclub in Bairstow. Do you know it? You can try out a taster session, if you like, before booking for the whole six-week course. And you get a certificate at the end to prove you’ve completed it. Great! See you Wednesday then.’

  She snapped her mobile phone shut. ‘Hi babe, I owe you some money,’ she said.

  Saffron had to hide a smile. Most of her clients had to be reminded to pay up, but Linda was almost embarrassing with her largesse. Saffron suspected the woman didn’t have a clue how much anything cost. She and Amy could probably get away with charging twice what they did.

  ‘Amy gone then?’ Linda delved into her Gucci handbag for some money.

  ‘Yes, she had a problem with her son,’ said Saffron.

  ‘Shame,’ Linda said, although Saffron thought she was probably just being polite.

  ‘I was telling Amy only the last time I saw her, she should come to some of my pole-dancing classes,’ continued Linda. ‘Good-looking girl like her shouldn’t be on her own.’

  ‘I’m not sure pole dancing is really Amy’s thing,’ said Saffron.

  ‘Oh don’t be put off by the idea,’ said Linda. ‘It’s not about exotic dancing any more. It’s more about aerobic exercise. And it’s a great way to lose weight. You should try it.’

  Reminding herself that Linda was a client, so telling her to shove her pole-dancing classes up her rectum wouldn’t quite be the thing, Saffron smiled politely instead, and said, ‘Yes, perhaps I should.’

  ‘Here, I’ve just printed a new leaflet,’ said Linda. ‘Why not take one and have a look? I’ve got a new course starting soon. You could come for a taster lesson if you like.’

  ‘I’ll bear that in mind,’ said Saffron, suppressing a fit of the giggles, and shoving the leaflet promptly in her pocket with every intention of binning it as soon as she got out of the house. It was only when she got into the car and released the gales of laughter that had been building up inside her that she took the leaflet out, and, impelled more by curiosity than anything else, had a look.

  The leaflet had an out-of-focus picture of Linda swinging round a pole in a position that looked positively dangerous, against a dark pink background that was evidently meant to be erotic.

  Love-life down the tubes? Partner got the hump?Pole dancing could be the answer to your dreams.

  The first was certainly true, and who knows, before long the second might be too. Despite herself, Saffron read on. Apparently pole dancing was growing faster than any dance craze in the country. And far from it being, as Saffron had hitherto imagined, an activity indulged in by exotic dancers in seedy pubs on Sunday lunchtimes, pole dancing had apparently gone mainstream. Perhaps she should give it a go. It would probably be a laugh. She might lose some weight. And she might even rediscover her lost libido. It couldn’t do any harm to try.

  Amy dropped Josh’s book bag by the front door and sighed. The walk home had been longer than usual. Josh hadn’t stopped crying, and no amount of mollifying seemed to help. He still hadn’t given a reason for his actions, and Amy felt there was no point pressing it. Whatever it was that had tripped his wire would probably come out eventually. She hoped. As soon as Josh had come through the door he had run upstairs and hidden in his bedroom.

  Amy made a cup of tea and decided to leave him for five minutes. Perhaps he would come down in his own good time.

  Once five minutes had elapsed there was still no sign of Josh, so she went up to his room and found him sobbing into his pillow.

  ‘Sweetheart,’ she said, feeling more helpless than at any other point since Jamie’s death, ‘whatever’s the matter? Did you think Mummy was going to be cross about you running away?’

  The sobs carried on, and Amy sat down and put her arms around him, and stroked his head.

  ‘It doesn’t matter, Josh, no one’s angry, we’re just pleased you’re safe,’ she said. ‘I’m here now.’

  Josh pulled himself up from the bed and looked her straight in the eye, with a look that pierced her heart.

  ‘Daddy went away,’ he said. ‘And Granny’s gone away. What happens if you go away?’

  ‘Josh, I’m not going anywhere,’ said Amy. ‘And Granny’s only gone on holiday. She’ll be back soon.’

  ‘Yes, but we don’t see her any more,’ said Josh, bursting into fresh tears. ‘I want to see Granny. I want to go back home.’

  ‘Is that why you ran away?’

  ‘Yes,’ Josh snivelled.

  Amy found a hankie for his nose and held him close.

  ‘Oh sweetheart,’ said Amy. ‘This is our home now.’

  ‘No, it’s not,’ said Jamie.

  ‘Yes, it is,’ said Amy. ‘You know, it’s like in that book about the tiger, when he moves house and he realises his home has moved with him.’

  ‘But Granny isn’t here,’ said Josh.

  ‘I know,’ said Amy. ‘And I’m sorry about that. So when she’s back from her holiday, why don’t we invite her to come and stay for a while? I know it’s all a bit strange here still, but you’ve got lots of friends. And if we go back to London you won’t see Matt any more.’

  ‘Matt and I had a fight,’ said Josh.

  ‘Aah,’ said Amy. ‘And what was that about?’

  ‘Matt said I didn’t have a daddy. And he’s got two daddies. So then I said I did have a daddy, but he’d gone away. And he said you’d go away too and I wouldn’t have a mummy.’

  ‘Darling, I’ve told you, I’m not going anywhere.’ Amy cuddled Josh closer, relieved that at least he was talking.

  ‘But if you marry Ben you’d go and live in his house,’ said Josh. ‘And then where would I go?’

  It was like an arrow through her heart. Amy felt terrible. So it was her fault, after all.

  ‘Josh,’ she began carefully. ‘What you saw on Christmas Day was nothing. Ben kissed me to wish me happy Christmas, that’s all. I’m not going to marry him. And if I did, I certainly wouldn’t leave you anywhere.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really,’ Amy said, giving him a kiss. ‘What would I do without you? Now why don’t you dry your face, and I’ll toast you some marshmallows while you watch a DVD.’

  Miraculously, it was like the sun coming out.

  ‘Great,’ said Josh. ‘Can I watch Spiderman?’

  ‘Okay,’ said Amy, thinking it ironic that he’d chosen that film, since it was Ben who had introduced it to Josh. Josh had badgered her about it so much that Father Christmas had bought him a copy. It was the first time, though, that he had asked to watch it. ‘But no more running away from school, you promise?’

  ‘I promise,’ said Josh. ‘Come on, Mummy, what are you waiting for?’

  Amy followed her son downstairs, feeling both better and worse. Josh was clearly upset, but at least he’d been able to tell her about it, which was something. But the fact was, he had been upset because of her. It was Amy who had taken him to a new place and away from his beloved Granny. It was Amy who had kissed Ben and further unsettled her son. Had she done the right thing by coming here? The more she thought about it, the less certain she became. Maybe she should think about leaving Nevermorewell after all.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  ‘Children are very resilient,’ Saffron said, when Amy told her about it the next day, while they were tidying up Mrs Meadows’ garden. ‘Becky and Matt went through their ups and downs when Gerry first left, and you should have seen the way they behaved the first time I brought Pete round. But they got over it. Things aren’t perfect – they never are – but Josh knows he’s got you, and that’s what really matters.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Amy gratefully. ‘Being on my own, I have no one to bounce ideas off, and it’s so easy
to blame yourself when things go wrong. Josh seemed happier today, so I’m hoping it’s a one-off.’

  ‘Well, you’ve got me and I’m sure it is,’ said Saffron. ‘What gave Josh the idea you’d go off with Ben?’

  Amy blushed. She had been so confused about what had happened on Christmas Day, she hadn’t told anyone about it.

  ‘No idea,’ she said. ‘Why do you ask?’

  ‘No reason,’ said Saffron. ‘I just thought you and Ben looked very cosy on Christmas Day.’ She cast a sly look at Amy, who was trying, nonchalantly, to rake the leaves they hadn’t got round to clearing before Christmas.

  ‘I’m right, aren’t I? When I came into the kitchen that day, you both jumped apart like frightened rabbits. Come on, tell your Auntie Saff all about it.’

  Amy laughed. Saffron was hard to resist, and it felt good to get it off her chest.

  ‘I haven’t seen Ben since that day,’ she said. ‘So it’s not as if this is a great love affair or anything. And, given how much it’s upset Josh, it definitely won’t be happening again.’ As she said this, Amy’s stomach tied into peculiar knots. Despite her protestations, the fact that she hadn’t heard from Ben since Christmas had been bothering her. Sure, it made dealing with the Josh issue easier, but it also made her doubtful about Ben. Why had he kissed her? Had he been toying with her? At the time it felt like he genuinely cared, but the longer it went on, the less sure Amy was.

  ‘I think Ben’s away,’ said Saffron. ‘Pete said something ages ago about him going skiing.’

  ‘Oh.’ Amy felt disappointed that Ben hadn’t thought to mention it to her. ‘He never said.’