Pastures New

by Julia Williams

  Amy’s mind went blank as they sang the first hymn – ‘To Be a Pilgrim’, Harry’s favourite – and after she wobbled on the first line she stopped singing altogether. Instead she fixed her gaze on the stained-glass window at the back of the church, as if by staring hard at it she could make this nightmare go away, make herself believe that Harry wasn’t in that coffin, that Jamie wasn’t dead, and rid herself of the feeling that everything she loved eventually turned to dust.

  The vicar spoke generally about Harry’s life – Harry not having been much of a churchgoer. He wasn’t well-known in the parish, but Mavis had been, so it seemed that lots of her friends were there too. The church was packed with allotmenteers – most of whom looked uncomfortable in their Sunday best – along with Harry’s few remaining friends from his army days, and the numerous people he chatted to on his strolls around and about the town. At least they hadn’t come to a sad, lonely affair, Amy thought, as she heard the vicar say they were celebrating a life. She knew that was the way she should look at it too, but she couldn’t: her sense of loss was too extreme. And while she knew from bitter experience how selfishly lonely grief could be, she also knew she couldn’t do a damned thing to stop the way she was feeling. Harry’s best friend, a rather shaky old chap by the name of Gordon, got up and, in the true-grit spirit of a whole generation, made a beautiful speech about Harry, with humour and warmth, so for a moment Amy was able to forget her misery and remember the reasons why she had loved Harry, and relish the friendship they had shared. But it wasn’t enough to stop the tug at her heart as the coffin left the church, or the painful reminder of the last time she had followed a coffin out of a church.

  Ben walked beside her, holding her hand. He had been a rock and such a support these last few days. All she had to do was succumb to her feelings and she knew they would be happy together. But in the face of such pain and heartache, was it really worth the risk? It would only be a matter of time before he left her too.

  Throughout the service, Ben held Amy’s hand tight. He was conscious at times that she was crying, and wished he could do something to ease her pain. At least she was letting him in. If one good thing could come out of Harry’s illness and death, it had to be this. That he and Amy would finally be together. It was what Harry would have wanted. Ben managed a faint smile as he remembered their last conversation, just over two weeks ago. Harry had been terribly weak but quite sure of one thing. ‘You just make an honest woman of her,’ Harry had admonished – strange how his voice still rang clear in Ben’s head as if he was sitting right there.

  He felt sick to the pit of his stomach knowing that he and Harry would never share a brew together on the allotments again, even while the rational side of his brain told him that it was for the best, that Harry had been ready to go. It was hard to feel rational in these circumstances, though. And harder still to sit in a church mourning the loss of a friend, and not remember that first loss. The one he never spoke of. The one that had changed his whole life. Sarah.

  How little he let himself remember her. How hard he tried to shove the pain away. But it was always there, simmering away under the surface. Losing Sarah had made him want to become a doctor. And now here he was, having saved Harry, but only in the short term. Not the same, a determined voice in his head said. Not the same. Harry had been living on borrowed time, and he’d been ready to go.

  As Ben and Amy walked out of the church to the waiting cars, which would go on to the crematorium, Amy’s grief overcame her, and he held her helplessly as she sobbed in his arms. Some good had to come out of this. It had to. And as they walked to the car, he felt in his pocket for the box nestling there. Maybe today wasn’t the right day – but somehow he felt it was. Harry’s death was sad but not a tragedy. And it had made Ben determined that he wasn’t going to sit around wasting his life waiting for the things he wanted to come to him. It was time to grasp the nettle and live life to the full. He turned the box over again. He just hoped he got the right answer.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Saffron had a headache. She had been up since six with Ellie, and had gone to bed too late drinking red wine alone for the third evening in succession. Pete had come in late, barely spoken to her and gone straight to bed. There hadn’t been time to talk this morning either, as they had both been busy sorting out the house in readiness for the funeral guests. Although Amy had wanted to host the wake, there really wasn’t room in her house, and so Saffron had offered straight away. Besides, she thought, Amy didn’t need that kind of hassle right now.

  Pete had taken the kids to school while Saffron had rushed around hoovering frantically and sorting out vol-au-vents, sandwiches and cakes. Amy and Ben had arrived at nine thirty, bringing extra cups and more chairs, as Saffron was a bit short. It had all been incredibly frantic, which was good in a way as no one had too much time to dwell on the funeral, which was not until midday.

  But it wasn’t so good for communicating with her husband. Saffron stared out into the garden, where Pete was in animated conversation with the Guys, while she absent-mindedly put the kettle back on. He had barely spoken to her this morning. In fact, he had been downright avoiding her. What was she going to do?

  ‘Have you seen Amy?’ Ben wandered into the kitchen where Saffron was washing up cups and saucers and making yet more tea for the good ladies of the Nevermorewell WI who had descended pack-like on the funeral, ready to dissect every aspect of Harry’s life. They were presumably Mavis’s friends, so probably felt entitled. They also seemed to have made it their life’s work to drink her house dry of tea.

  ‘She offered to go and pick the kids up from school, and as Ellie was asleep I said yes,’ said Saffron.

  ‘Oh,’ said Ben, looking a little deflated. ‘I’d have gone with her, if I’d known.’

  ‘I think she wanted a bit of time to herself,’ Saffron told him. ‘You know how hard she’s taken this.’

  ‘I know,’ said Ben. ‘We all have. The allotments just aren’t going to be the same without Harry.’

  ‘They’re not, are they?’ said Saffron. ‘Are you okay? I know how close you were.’

  ‘I will be,’ said Ben. ‘It helps knowing that if he’d lived his quality of life would have just got worse and worse. And I know he was ready to go. The trouble is, I never really thought of him as old. Stupid, really.’

  ‘No, it’s not stupid at all,’ said Saffron. ‘Age shouldn’t matter when we love people. It’s the relationship we have with them that counts. I think that’s why Amy’s taken it so hard.’

  ‘I think I might have just the thing to cheer her up.’

  ‘Oh?’ Saffron looked at him questioningly.

  ‘Well, I was going to keep it a secret,’ said Ben, ‘but seeing as it’s you …’

  He felt in his pocket and produced a little box, which he opened with a flourish, to reveal a simple diamond ring.

  ‘Oh Ben, that’s wonderful,’ said Saffron. ‘But do you think today is the right day?’

  ‘I absolutely think today is the right day,’ said Ben. ‘Harry wanted her to be happy. And his dying has made me realise you have to go out and grab happiness when and where you can. It makes perfect sense.’

  Saffron looked a little doubtful. ‘Ben, I don’t want to put the kibosh on this, but do you think perhaps it might be better to give Amy more time? She might not see it the same way you do.’

  ‘She might not,’ said Ben, picking up a cloth and drying some cups, ‘but I’m sure I can persuade her. And you must promise you won’t say a thing.’

  Amy came back up through the allotments with the children. Finding the atmosphere in Saffron’s house oppressive, she had been glad of something else to do. Mind you, when she’d got to school and seen the look on Josh’s face as Matt informed him that Harry was now officially In Heaven and wouldn’t ever talk to them again, she rather thought she’d got the short straw. Josh’s lip had wobbled for a moment until a sudden thought struck him. ‘Does that mean Harry’s with Daddy?’<
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  ‘Yes,’ said Amy, blinking back the tears.

  ‘That’s okay then,’ said Josh. ‘Daddy will have someone new to talk to now.’

  And then he was fine, racing home with Matt, while Becky walked sedately by Amy’s side and told her about her day in mind-numbingly boring detail, for which Amy was immensely grateful.

  The wake was in full swing when they got back. Pete was at the end of the garden with Bill and Bud.

  ‘What’s that you’re drinking?’ Amy inspected the contents of Pete’s glass, which looked a rather muddy shade of purple.

  ‘Elderberry wine,’ said Pete with a slight slur. ‘It’s delicious. And very, very good for you. Here, have some.’

  ‘Perhaps not quite in the quantities you’re drinking it,’ said Amy. ‘I think I’ll pass, if you don’t mind. Where’s Saffron?’

  ‘God knows,’ said Pete with a noncommittal shrug, and he turned back to the allotmenteers with relish. That was odd, frowned Amy. Pete wasn’t normally like that. She knew it had been tricky for Saffron and Pete with Gerry being there, but she hadn’t thought their problems were serious. Until now. She had been so wrapped up in her own misery, she hadn’t asked Saffron how things were at home. She just hoped that Gerry hadn’t been causing more trouble.

  ‘Is the kettle on?’ Amy asked, as she finally made it into the kitchen, having been detained by some of Harry’s army pals. They were a lovely bunch and full of great stories about Harry. It was incredible hearing the things they’d got up to. There was so much she hadn’t known about him.

  ‘What, they don’t want more tea, surely?’ Saffron asked, looking at Amy’s laden tray. ‘I don’t think we have enough cups.’

  ‘Well, the good ladies of Nevermorewell’s WI appear to be able to drink for England,’ said Amy with a smile – the first she had managed all day, Saffron was pleased to note. ‘There’s more stuff in there, by the way.’

  ‘Who are all these people anyway?’ asked Saffron as they walked back into the conservatory to collect more cups, to find a veritable horde of elderly ladies who were waxing lyrical about Harry’s drinking and it being a shame he was gone, but at least he was with Mavis now.

  ‘Well, apart from Edie and Ada, I presume the rest of them are Mavis’s friends,’ said Amy. ‘I wonder who Edie and Ada will give their cakes to now.’

  ‘Whereas, they are presumably Harry’s mates.’ Saffron nodded over to the corner of the lounge where three elderly gentlemen seemed to be getting rather well acquainted with a bottle of whisky.

  ‘How did you guess?’ laughed Amy. ‘They’re his army chums. The chap in the corner – see the one wearing the medals – he’s really interesting. Harry saved his life once, apparently. He was wounded and Harry pulled him to safety, despite being under fire himself. And Harry never once said.’

  ‘But that was Harry all over, though, wasn’t it?’ said Saffron. ‘He wasn’t the sort to brag about his bravery.’

  ‘No, he wasn’t,’ said Amy. ‘They just don’t make them like that any more, do they?’

  She looked wistfully at Harry’s friends. They had been terribly affected in church. Their presence served to accentuate Harry’s absence somehow.

  She shook her head and went back into the kitchen. Making tea and giving out sandwiches gave her something to do and stopped her dwelling too much on her misery.

  ‘Is everything okay between you and Pete?’ Amy asked as they filled the dishwasher together and then put everything left into the sink to save time.

  ‘Not really,’ said Saffron miserably. ‘Why do you ask?’

  ‘He seems to be getting rather drunk on elderberry wine out there,’ Amy informed her.

  ‘Great, that’s all I need,’ sighed Saffron.

  ‘So?’ prompted Amy.

  ‘So … Oh God, I never told you, what with Harry and everything,’ said Saffron. ‘Pete came home and found Gerry trying to snog me.’

  ‘Oh bugger,’ said Amy.

  ‘Oh bugger indeed,’ Saffron agreed. ‘The trouble is, Gerry was drunk, and so was I, and though I didn’t think I’d led him on, and I told him to piss off as soon as I knew what he was up to, Pete doesn’t believe me.’

  ‘He’ll come round,’ said Amy. ‘Surely he’ll see it wasn’t your fault.’

  ‘Will he?’ Saffron asked doubtfully. ‘We’ve barely talked since, and he keeps coming home late. It’s like he can hardly bear to spend any time with me.’

  ‘It’ll work out, I’m sure,’ Amy reassured her, giving her friend a hug. ‘You poor thing, you should have said.’

  ‘I thought you had enough on your plate,’ Saffron told her.

  ‘Oh now I feel really guilty,’ said Amy. ‘Sorry I’ve been a bit out of it with Harry and everything.’

  ‘It’s okay, I understand.’ Saffron squeezed her hand. ‘That’s why I didn’t say anything. Do you feel any better?’

  ‘Not sure yet,’ said Amy. ‘Better in some ways – I was dreading the funeral, and at least that’s over – and worse in others. When everyone’s gone, then I have to get used to Harry not being around. And I just can’t bear to think about it.’

  ‘Well at least you’ve got Ben to lean on,’ said Saffron. ‘Surely that will help?’

  Amy shrugged and said, ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Oh come on,’ said Saffron, ‘he’s wonderful, you know he is.’

  ‘He is,’ said Amy. ‘And I know how lucky I am…’

  ‘Why do I feel there’s a “but” here somewhere?’ Saffron said.

  ‘But – you’re probably going to think this stupid,’ said Amy. ‘I love Ben, I really do love him, in a way I never thought possible after Jamie. But I can’t shift this feeling that everything I touch turns to dust. Everyone I ever love leaves me – my mum, Jamie, Harry. And I can’t bear it to happen again. So I’m going to tell him today that we can’t see each other any more.’

  ‘But you can’t!’ Saffron’s voice came out in a squeak.

  ‘Don’t try to stop me, Saffron,’ said Amy. ‘I know it probably seems irrational to you. It is irrational. But I can’t let myself be hurt again. From now on it’s just going to be Josh and me.’

  Ben sat on the bench on Harry’s allotment feeling nervous. Despite his confident words to Saffron, he wasn’t at all sure what Amy’s reaction was going to be. Sitting here, he could almost hear Harry’s voice chuckling, saying, ‘Come on, old boy, time to do the decent thing.’

  He was going to miss Harry. They all were. He had been a sure and certain presence on the allotments, as changeless as the seasons, as permanent as the trees. And now he was gone. Not for the first time, Ben wondered what happened when you died. Where did you go? He liked to think that there was some kind of life after death – otherwise what had happened to Sarah was just too unbearable to cope with, but what that life was like, how people actually were – that was beyond him.

  Even when he’d seen people dying as part of his work, he was no closer to understanding what death meant. It was life’s great mystery, he supposed. And all the more reason for making sure that he wasted no more of his own life, waiting fruitlessly for the girl he loved to come to him. It was time he went out and got her. He took the ring out from his pocket once more. He turned it over and over in his hands.

  In a minute he was going to go back to Saffron’s, get her to babysit Josh, and invite Amy out for dinner, where he would propose. He sat staring over the allotments. It was getting cold and he noticed dark clouds were beginning to form on the horizon. He should go in soon and take the plunge. He just needed a few more moments to pluck up the courage to do so. She was going to say yes. She had to say yes. He couldn’t bear to think of her saying no.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  ‘Have you seen Ben?’ Saffron was urgently trying to find him to tell him that project Diamond Ring was so not a good idea today, but no one seemed to know where he was. He’d helped her with the washing-up before Amy had come back and then gone off to talk to some of Harry’s friends.
But he hadn’t been seen for about an hour. She had to get to him and stop him proposing to Amy. Maybe in a while Amy would think differently, but today was just too soon.

  ‘I think he said he was going on to Harry’s allotment,’ said one of the Guys, as Saffron asked for the millionth time. ‘I don’t know why.’

  ‘I do,’ thought Saffron grimly. Damn him, why did he have to decide to be so bloody pigheadedly romantic now?

  She hurried down the garden path, meaning to go straight out onto the allotments, when Pete stopped her.

  ‘Well, hello there, wifey,’ he said drunkenly. Good lord, he was really very drunk. How on earth had that happened so quickly? Pete liked a drink certainly, but he normally would have stayed sober on an occasion like today.

  ‘Not now, Pete,’ she said, ‘I’m in a bit of a hurry. I want to get to the allotments.’

  ‘Oh, you want to go to the allotments, do you? Why, has lover boy decided to go and live in our shed again?’

  ‘Don’t be stupid, Pete, you know he’s staying in a hotel.’

  ‘Oh I’m stupid now, am I? Yes, that’s about right. I am bloody stupid. So stupid I didn’t realise that my wife was making a cuckold of me with her ex right under my nose.’

  He had raised his voice now, and Bill and Bud tittered nervously, not sure if Pete was joking or not.

  ‘Pete, this is neither the time nor the place,’ hissed Saffron.

  ‘Oh isn’t it?’ said Pete, grabbing her arm and holding it tightly. ‘You humiliated me, so I’m going to humiliate you. Ladies and gentlemen, meet my wife. My lovely, charming, cheating wife.’