Running in Circles

by Laurèn Lee

  Graduation loomed ahead, and the ceremony would take place in late June. Kit hadn’t planned on going to college and instead would find a job in town to take care of himself and Gabby. He didn’t mind too much. Kit had never dreamt about college growing up, even though he had risen to the top ten percent of his class. He’d been offered a few scholarships, too, but had politely declined them.

  “Are you excited?” Gabby asked the morning of Kit’s graduation.

  “I guess so.” He shrugged.

  “You’ll be free now!” Gabby nudged her big brother in the ribs jovially.

  “Not exactly. Now I gotta find a job and take care of you, ya booger.”

  “Kit, you know I don’t want you to stay here just because of me, right?”

  “I am staying here to take care of you. It’s my choice,” he reminded her.

  “But don’t you want to get away? Start fresh?”

  “I’d love to get out of this shit town, but you’re more important to me,” Kit said.

  “Well, I’ll be graduating soon enough! Then, maybe we can both get out,” she suggested.

  “Sure, kiddo. That sounds good,” Kit said and ruffled Gabby’s hair.

  Kit gathered his graduation gown, cap, and tassel. He knew it would be another five years before Gabby would wear the same outfit. Five more years until they could leave this town together, forever.

  Kit left a ticket for his mother just in case she decided to watch her son graduate. However, as Gabby and Kit readied themselves to leave the house, the extra ticket still lay on the kitchen counter.

  The ceremony lasted far too long, and the students tossed up their sweat-soaked caps in the auditorium. The students sat in alphabetical order, but most kids still chatted with those next to them. Kit, however, sat silently for the duration of the speeches. He ignored the Valedictorian speech and instead, stared at the back of Mindy’s head. He hoped she felt his gaze upon her.

  After the ceremony concluded, Kit found Gabby in the crowd outside. She ran and jumped into her big brother’s arms. Gabby told him how proud she was. He patted her head and thanked her with a kiss on the cheek. Kit looked at the hordes of families hugging, chatting and taking pictures. He dangerously and foolishly hoped Meg would appear and apologize for being late. He imagined she'd pull him into her arms and tell him she was proud, too. Gabby noticed Kit looking around and squeezed his hand. She learned at an early age not to trust Meg to fulfill motherly duties.

  “Hey, I have some extra cash. Wanna go to dinner?”

  Gabby nodded empathically and licked her lips. “Burgers?”

  “Whatever you want,” Kit said and smiled.

  Even though their father abandoned them and their mother had done the same, Kit could rely on his little sister to make him smile.

  After dinner at the diner by their house, Kit and Gabby drove home with full bellies and intentions to start a movie marathon. Most kids partied after graduation, but Kit didn’t want to leave Gabby home alone. Plus, it wasn’t like he had anyone to go with, anyway.

  “What do you want to watch?”

  “Nothing scary!” Gabby pleaded dramatically.

  When they pulled into the driveway, the siblings noticed another car had parked there, too.

  “Who’s here?” Gabby asked timidly.

  “Hmmm. I don’t know,” Kit responded suspiciously. He bought Meg's car to keep as his own, so any other vehicle would have to be someone else's. He grabbed his sister’s hand and put his other hand on the knife in his pocket. He never left home without it.

  Kit carefully opened the front door, which he distinctly remembered locking before graduation, and a blast of club music boomed through the house. Cigarette and pot smoke permeated the air and a shrill laugh echoed from the kitchen.

  “Hello?” Kit called out. No one responded. “Gabby, go to your room.”

  “But—”

  “No. Do as I say,” he warned.

  Gabby stomped her feet and headed toward the staircase. Kit took the knife out of his pocket and held it in front of him. He tiptoed toward the kitchen and found the source of the obnoxious laughter: his mother sat on the kitchen counter in her bra and panties, sporting a man’s hand on her breast.

  “Mom!” Kit cried out and turned away.

  Meg glanced over at her son and giggled. “Oh! Hi, Kit! This is Matthew. We’re engaged!” she slurred and held out her left hand to reveal a barely visible diamond on a golden band.

  “Hey, kid! I’m your new daddy!” Matthew called. He straightened his greasy comb-over and adjusted his grease-stained wifebeater.

  “What the fuck is this, Mom?”

  “I just said, Kit. Jesus, are you deaf? We’re getting married!”

  “Congratulate your mama, boy!” Matthew said.

  “Get out of this house,” Kit said, his voice lowered and teeth clenched.

  “Excuse me?” Meg asked.

  “Are you talkin’ to your mama like that, boy?” Matthew hollered.

  “You think you can just waltz in and out of our lives like nothing ever happened? No, I won’t let you do this to us. I won’t let you do this to Gabby.”

  Matthew stalked toward Kit with a menacingly slow gait. “You best respect that woman over there, you hear?”

  “No. I don’t hear,” Kit said. “And, you’re not my dad. Get the fuck out of my house!”

  “Meg, your boy’s got quite the mouth on him. Mind if I teach him some manners?”

  Meg lit a cigarette and swigged from the open wine bottle beside her on the countertop. “Whatever,” she replied nonchalantly.

  “Alrighty then,” Matthew said with a smug grin. He stepped closer to Kit and drooled at the prospect of being able to teach him a lesson. That was until Kit leaped toward Matthew and put the knife to his neck.

  “What do you think you’re—”

  “You listen to me now,” Kit threatened.

  “Or what?”

  “Or, I’ll gut you like a fucking pig,” Kit said through gritted teeth.

  Meg hopped off the countertop and stuffed her cigarette out on the floor. “Kit, stop it right now!”

  “Shut up, whore!” Kit roared. “Now, you’re going to get the fuck out of this house and never come back. Understand? You’re going to leave my sister and me alone. I don’t care if you put a ring on my mother’s STD-infested hand. Neither of you is to step foot near this house unless it’s to leave money for food or bills. On second thought, don't even do that. You can mail a damn check.”

  Matthew perspired and couldn’t find the will to speak. Obviously, his bark was worse than his bite.

  “Have I made myself clear?” Kit asked as he nicked Matthew’s neck ever so slightly, causing several droplets of blood to escape.

  “Yeah, kid. I got it,” he whispered fretfully.

  “Do you understand, Mom?”

  “Sure, Kit. We’ll go right now,” she said.

  Meg stared at her boy and wondered when he grew up. When had he shed his youth and turned into a man? A pang of guilt and self-awareness washed over her; if she had been present at all the past few years, she would have seen his transformation. Instead, she chose money, booze, and attention over her family. She felt as though Kit held the knife to her throat instead as memories of her sweet, little boy flooded her consciousness. How could she have abandoned her children when they needed her most? She was no better than Jim. But now how could she fix it? How could she remedy her absence? She peered into Kit’s eyes and saw hatred glaring back at her. She knew the only way to fix the destruction she caused would be to leave and let her children mend on their own. She knew Kit would continue to take care of Gabby. She would go once and for all and succumb to her firstborn’s wishes.

  “I’m sorry, Kit,” Meg said sorrowfully.

  Kit stared at her and wished for nothing more than to never see his mother again.

  PART II

  Forty

  “My beautiful children,” Meg crooned, just audible over the
machines’ blips and beeps.

  Earl put his arm around Gabby and held her tightly to his body. He hadn’t seen his sister in years either. In fact, the last time he saw her was when she’d graduated from medical school. He wished he knew why they hadn’t tried harder to stay in touch. After all, they were incredibly close as children. Gabby was not only Earl’s baby sister, but she had been his best friend, too.

  “We’re finally together,” Gabby said.

  “Took you long enough,” Meg managed to say before a coughing fit erupted in her throat.

  Earl remembered why he left his mother’s room in the first place and rushed to her bedside with the ice chips. “Here, Mama,” he said softly.

  “Thank you, Son,” she gasped and slid a few pieces of ice into her mouth.

  Meg’s doctor arrived and rapped gently upon the door. “Hiya, folks. I’m Meghan’s doctor. I’m guessing you’re her children?”

  Earl and Gabby nodded, still with their arms around each other’s waists.

  “Would you step outside with me for a few moments so we can talk?” the doctor asked.

  “Oh, hell, Ronald. I already know I’m dying. You don’t have to hide the medical mumbo jumbo from me.”

  Earl, Gabby and Dr. Ron winced in unison. “All right. Why don’t you two take a seat?”

  Earl pulled up another chair and sat next to Gabby, both beside their mother.

  “I just want to let you both know we have done everything in our power to help your mother, but unfortunately, the cancer has taken over her body. Our next steps are to ensure she is comfortable, but I’m afraid she has only a few hours, maybe a day at most to live.”

  Tears poured out of Gabby’s eyes, and Earl put a hand on her shoulder. Meg also covered Gabby’s hand with hers and tried to soothe her youngest child.

  “I’m suffering, Gabby. This is what’s best for me. I am ready to die,” Meg said.

  Gabby’s cries evolved into sobs. Earl pulled her back into his arms and rocked her. “Ma, are you in any pain?” Earl asked.

  “A little,” she said and cringed with her eyes closed.

  Earl looked at Dr. Ron, and he nodded. “I’ll be back with some more pain meds, Meg. But, remember, they will make you a little fuzzy.”

  “That’s okay, doc,” Meg whispered. “I can handle it.”

  Dr. Ron returned two minutes later with another dose of morphine, which he promptly distributed into Meg’s IV; the fluid relief was instantaneous. “I’ll be back in a half hour or so to check on you all.”

  “Much better,” Meg said. “Now, I want you both to know my will is with my lawyer, and all of my funeral arrangement requests are documented, too.”

  “Mom, please. We don’t have to talk about this now,” Gabby pleaded.

  “We don’t have much time left together, my dear. There’s no better time than the present,” Meg sighed. “There’s so much else I want to say.” A tear escaped her eye and snaked down the wrinkles in her cheek.

  “Me, too,” Earl said carefully. He thought back to the last time he saw his mother, perched on their kitchen counter. She’d been drunk and probably high and wore her brand new engagement ring. So many years had passed since that night. So much had changed.

  Earl kept his promise and took care of Gabby for the next two years. However, when he’d been laid off at the rubber factory in town, he decided to re-apply to college and major in Criminal Justice. Gabby was only fifteen when he left, but a friend of hers gladly took her in. He knew it would be hard to say goodbye to his sister, but when that day came, it was worse than he ever imagined. Even though he left voluntarily, it felt as though someone ripped out a piece of his soul and shoved it down a garbage disposal. He'd lost his father, his mother, and then he walked away from Gabby. He had to leave, but he knew it was for the best.

  Gabby had kept in contact with Earl off and on after he finally left home. She wrote him a letter a week for almost a year. Then, as she grew older, the pace dwindled to a letter a month, then a letter every few months, all the way to a simple Christmas card during the holidays. Earl had spent almost his entire youth protecting his sister. He viewed it as his duty to keep Gabby safe. When they grew apart, Earl still felt that duty to protect her, but the strength of that feeling diminished. While they were children, Earl tried to ensure Gabby grew thick skin. He taught her to be brave and fearless. He knew, well, hoped, she would carry on that same toughness from adolescence to adulthood. Earl still wanted to protect her, but he felt that now she was perfectly capable of protecting herself.

  Earl knew Meg ended up marrying that rat scum, Matthew, and he also knew they divorced not too long after. Gabby only talked to their mother when she desperately needed her to sign something for school, or if she needed money. Besides that, her relationship with Meg ceased as well.

  It wasn’t until Gabby married and had children of her own that she reached out to her mother. She wanted to put the past behind them and introduce her to her first grandchild. Since then, Gabby visited Meg about once a week in the long-term care facility. Their relationship still felt strained, but they were able to carry on as casually as they could. Gabby would sometimes bring Nate, her son, to visit Meg and reveled at the smiles her son left on his grandmother’s face.

  Earl found out Gabby was with child when she sent him a tee shirt at Christmas that read, "World's Greatest Uncle." He wanted to make that notion come true. When Earl went to visit Gabby and meet Nate for the first time, his entire life changed. When he held his nephew in his arms, the world grew a little less dark.

  He made sure to send Nate a Christmas and birthday gift every year since it was too difficult to visit, being an officer of the law. Gabby lived in Kansas City where she opened up her pediatric emergency care center, so he couldn’t plan a day-trip or anything like that. They FaceTimed often, though. It took a few times for Earl to learn how to use the feature, but once he figured it out, chatting became much easier.

  Meg dozed off after a few minutes of quizzing Gabby about Nate’s grades and after-school activities. Her vitals seemed stable so Earl nudged his sister and pointed to the hallway. She followed him quietly until they were both out of earshot of their mother.

  “Want to grab some coffee?” Earl asked.

  Gabby looked at her brother, then to her mother and back again. “I don’t know,” she trailed off.

  “We’ll be back in less than a half hour. I promise,” Earl said.

  “Sure, let’s do it.”

  They strolled to the cafeteria and stood in line behind many other disgruntled family members in need of a caffeine fix. Earl swayed on his feet and purposely bumped into his sister just to hear her laugh. It felt like they were kids again. The nostalgia overwhelmed him. All he wanted to do was play games and run around with his best friend.

  Once they poured their watered-down coffee into the Styrofoam cups, they found a small table by the vending machines and sat across from each other.

  “It feels so weird to be here,” Gabby said darkly.

  “Well, yeah. The last time we were all together wasn’t exactly a party.”

  “Is this the first time you’ve seen her, since, you know?”

  “It is,” Earl said sadly. “After everything we went through as kids, I wanted to be as far away from her as possible.”

  “I get it. I do,” Gabby began. “So, why did you decide to come now?”

  “I honestly don’t know, Gab. I never thought I’d see her again, but once I heard she was dying, I knew I had to be here. When I heard she was sick, it obviously upset me, but now that she’s run out of time… I just don’t know what to do or how to feel.”

  Gabby dragged her chair closer to Earl and put her head on his arm. “I never thought our lives would turn out like this,” she admitted sorrowfully.

  “Me either,” Earl said. “Hey, how did you get here so fast, by the way?”

  “As luck would have it, I was already on my way to visit. Talk about fate, huh?”

&nbs
p; “Yeah,” Earl said solemnly.

  Then, a frazzled nurse ran up to the siblings. “Excuse me? Are you Gabby Mitchell and Earl Davis?”

  They nodded.

  “You need to come quickly. It’s your mother,” the nurse said.

  Forty-One

  Earl and Gabby sprinted after the nurse back to their mother’s room. Inside, a brigade of doctors and nurses surrounded Meg and had already begun CPR. Meghan never signed the DNR in hopes her children would come to see her one last time. She wanted to ensure she’d stay alive as long as possible for a proper goodbye.

  “Oh, my God!” Gabby shrieked.

  Earl pulled his sister into his arms, and they held each other as Dr. Ron used the defibrillator’s paddles on their mother’s chest. “Three, two, one… Clear!” He looked to the heart monitor, but it continued to flatline. “Again! Three, two, one… Clear!” Nothing happened, and nothing changed. Meghan’s heart stopped beating once and for all.

  Dr. Ron looked at Earl and Gabby and lowered his head. “Time of death,3:52 PM. I’m so sorry.” He stalked out of the room, and the nurses and physician’s assistant followed suit.

  Earl felt as though his heart had stopped too. There before him laid his mother. The same woman who carried him for nine months, the same woman who cared for him and protected him, the same woman who suffered beatings while she stood up to her husband for him, that same woman was dead. Gabby went over to their mother’s bed, put her head on Meg’s chest and wept.

  Earl couldn’t move, though. He felt frozen against the wall. He wanted to reach up and turn back the clock, to go back in time. He wished he reached out to his mother sooner. He wished he would have seen her one more time before she died. He would have given anything for one more visit. There was so much left he wanted to tell her. He wanted to show her his badge and his college degree. He wanted to bring her to the station and introduce her to his other family, his work family.

  All the anger and resentment he held for his mother all this time evaporated and left him with an aching, empty heart. He should have made it right years ago. Now, he’d never have the chance to apologize. He’d never be able to say he was sorry for being such a nasty little kid. She’d never hear him out, and that would now be his most haunting regret.