The Color of Rain

by Cori McCarthy

  We pause in a meeting room with a wide window and strange pots filled with growing things. A few blue girls socialize with groups of sketchy passengers.

  “Not exactly a family ship,” I mutter. “You ever have kids onboard?” I ask Johnny.

  “I don’t do kids.”

  “What about things down in the cargo?” I ask, remembering Kaya’s veiled words about animals in the lower levels that get loose and set off the alarms.

  “Why would we have kids in cargo?” He’s missed my meaning, but his tone is a razor. “No kids except that brother of yours, that is,” he adds. I stiffen while he reclines into a plush couch. He enters something on his com. I guess Ben gave it back to him already.

  “The Mec fixed the security?” I ask before I can stop myself.

  “Probably. We’ll see,” Johnny says.

  “Isn’t it dangerous to trust him? Can’t he do just about anything with technology?”

  “Mecs do have limits, Rain. Just like everyone. Or, I should say, they have soft spots. You find one, and you put a finger in it.” He leans forward and holds out his hands. “Skilled fingers are all it really takes to command a ship. I think you’ll like them, too.”

  I blush from my knees to my ears, touching the leaves of one of the potted growing things. “I’ve never touched a plant before,” I say, hoping to distract him.

  “I always forget that you Earth Cityites don’t know plants. Just wait until you get a glimpse of Entra.”

  The leaves are flimsy and soft like a dog’s ear. I always thought they’d be tougher, more like the waxy brown vine that wove itself through the greenhouse. I wipe the gentle texture from my fingers and remember to smile.

  He frowns back. “You’re so eager to be friendly. What happened to me waiting forever for you to want me?”

  “Maybe I’m seeing how you are on the ship. Your status as captain,” I lie. I continue to smile, and he continues to frown. He fingers his belt in a come hither kind of way, but I lose my nerve and turn to the window.

  Outside, the stars blaze. There’s no sign of the strange ghostlike strings I saw before, just the pitch darkness with silver holes that gleam like Ben’s strange eyes.

  Below the window, I find an inscription: AS SEAN IMREAS NA UAIGNEAS.

  “What does that mean?” I ask.

  “That’s my father’s doing. He loves dead languages and other such ridiculous things.” Johnny stands next to me, glaring down at the words. “It means: ‘Strife is greater than order.’”

  “Imreas,” I read. “Is that the word for strife or order?”

  His hand slips around my braid, tugging the waves loose until they’re a scattered mess around my shoulders. “What do you think?”

  Johnny’s mood has soured. Whatever he might say, Johnny’s father seems to have a hold on him that snakes right through to his soul.

  “I need a drink.” He squeezes the back of my neck and leads me to a place called the Rainbow Bar. Colored lights dangle from the ceiling, casting a collage of shades over the tables and drinkers. All ages of passengers bow out of his way, clearing a space at the bar for him to sit and a spot next to him for me.

  The bartender places two glasses of violet liquid before Johnny and me. “Drink it. I’ve never met a girl who doesn’t like it.” I take a sip and my mouth fills with too-sweet syrup that tingles all the way to my belly. “It’s drained from these strange birds on Entra.”

  I pause. “It’s made from their blood?”

  “Extraordinary, yes?”

  I put the glass down but keep my fingers around it. “Sure,” I choke out, knowing that I should be doing better. Sexier. I brush my hand along the edges of his leg.

  Johnny scowls at it. “No forced affection, remember? Give me something real.” He leans in like he wants a kiss. I close my eyes and press my lips to his.

  They’re as hot as though he just breathed fire.

  I pull away and find his fist constricting my hair. His mouth touches my ear as he whispers, “Pathetic, Rain. I had such hope for you, but maybe this arrangement isn’t going to work after all.” He releases me. “Find your own way back.”

  Johnny parts the crowd, leaving me to the scrutinizing eyes of every passenger in the bar. I lick the still warm feel of where his lips had burned against mine. Lo and Walker need me. I have to thrill Johnny in order to find them. And yet, as I sit beneath the colored lights, touching the exotic drink, I begin to sink with doubt. Maybe I don’t have what it takes to seduce him.

  But I do.

  I force a sip of that purple liquid. That blood. Johnny was right; it’s delicious. Sinful. And even though he’s a pimp—a handsome devil—he’s my handsome devil. I check the scarlet gleam of my beautiful silver bracelet. He chose me.

  And now I want to prove myself for a reason that isn’t my brother’s or my best friend’s safety. I want to prove myself to him because I can. I want to play his game.

  I want to win.

  I wander through the passenger levels of the ship for hours, looking for an elevator or stairs that might bring me to the crew deck to look for Lo. But Imreas is larger and more complicated than I imagined, and when I stop a crew member and ask about the crew deck, he takes a quick look at my bracelet and shakes his head.

  “Only yellows down there.” He escorts me back to the Family Room, and by then, I’m so hungry that I push past the green girls and choose a piece of bread with some kind of sugary spread.

  Then I sit on my mat until long after the lights have dimmed and the other girls have quieted down, going carefully over my next steps. Perhaps I had been going about this all wrong; I was trying to figure out how to make myself want Johnny.

  What I need is for Johnny to want me.

  I think Lo would be proud, and in the silence, I miss my best friend’s chatter. I picture the way she leans in to tell me something crazy, her eyes huge. She would have tips for handling Johnny. Warmth blooms in my belly as I wonder what it will feel like to press myself against him.

  Will I like it? What if it’s too obvious that I don’t know what I’m doing?

  The thoughts are embarrassing even in the dark by myself, so I turn to the window. A single asteroid rotates through the Void, and my missing of Lo turns to Walker.

  “Don’t scream.” Ben pulls back the veil which encloses my little area. I stand fast and make a fist, but he holds his palms out to stop me. “I just want to say that I swear what you saw in the shower room the other night . . . well, it wasn’t what you really saw.”

  “I don’t want to know,” I lie. “If I know, I’m in more trouble, right?”

  “Hell,” he says. “You’re right. It’d be a lot easier to let you be afraid of me.”

  “I’m still not afraid of you. Which is weird, I guess.” I pause to think over my words; they’re startlingly true. “I’m only afraid of what you do for him.”

  “What do you mean?” He takes a few steps closer, and I back into the window. “I’m sorry,” he adds. “I wouldn’t hurt you. Not by choice.”

  “I can try to believe that.” Silence fills the weird space between us, and he crosses his arms over his chest, making his shirt constrict around his forearms. “You could prove it to me. Give me that favor you owe me. I need to see my brother. Like now.”

  “I can’t take you until Johnny gives the clear. Not until you and he . . .” He grimaces. “He’s given me strict orders. Not until after.”

  “That freaky bastard!”

  “Shhh! Keep it down.” He glances at his com. “Always assume there are security cameras everywhere.”

  “The security system that you fixed.” My tone reveals my doubt.

  Ben looks at me strangely. “I forgot you were there for that. Yeah, I fixed it.”

  “So . . .” I look around. “We’re on camera now?”

  He opens his mouth, but then closes it. “Always assume there are cameras,” he repeats. “Unless I tell you otherwise. I shouldn’t even be talking to you right now, but
I turned them off. I wanted to explain about the other night.”

  “But you haven’t explained. You’ve pretty much just told me that you can’t explain.” I pause. “Who’s side are you on?”

  “There are no sides. It’s every man for himself in the Void. You do what you have to do to survive. You take what you want. Even Johnny lives by that rule.” He pauses. “Especially Johnny.”

  I touch my hair, still so smooth and clean from my bath with Lo. “He found me on purpose because of my hair.” I drop my hands to my sides. “But how? Did he just ask around until he heard that there was a ginger hanging around the pier?”

  Ben nods. “He’s made you into a weird challenge. I’ve never seen him do this before.”

  I pinch my leg. “And I’ve gone right along with it.”

  “Yeah, but he didn’t know about your brother. About your insistence on bringing him along. Believe me, that was not in his plans.”

  “Will he hurt him?”

  Ben rubs the back of his neck. “Rain, if you want to best Johnny, you can’t play by his rules. They’re already fixed against you.”

  “Ben, will he hurt my brother?”

  He shrugs. “If he doesn’t get what he wants, he can be pretty unpredictable.”

  I take a step closer. “What about Lo? And Kaya? Are they on the crew deck? Why haven’t I been able to contact them?” He shakes his head, and I snip, “You don’t know or you can’t tell me?”

  He shakes his head again and begins to back away. “Remember what I said about the cameras.”

  “Ben,” I say, trying to bait him. “I think it’s safe to assume that you’re not on his side.”

  He shakes his head a third time. “It isn’t safe to assume anything, Rain.”

  I will not react. I will act.

  I will change the game.

  I repeat this mantra through the next day, all determination and a little excitement. And after all, it isn’t hard to slip into the captain’s quarters. It isn’t hard to strip off my clothes.

  The hard part is waiting.

  I twirl my scarlet-rimmed bracelet. It couldn’t be a worse color, so carnal. So damning. And still, I need him to want me. To go crazy with wanting me. My hands feel numb, and I rub my fingers together. Is it cold or nerves? What will I have to do with my hands?

  Will I bleed?

  I can handle the pain, I think, but what if he expects me to know what I’m doing? To touch his body and give him . . . pleasure? Other than seeing Lo at her business from a distance, I don’t know how I should lean or rock or moan. She made it look so easy, but what’s easy about letting someone inside you?

  I start to breathe too hard and slump into a naked heap of anxiety. He can’t find me like this. He’ll know in a second that I’m still forcing it.

  My thighs shake as I get back to my feet. I bury every feeling except for the stars outside the window, watching a distant planet with orange highlights: a lava planet. I blow on the glass and draw a W in the fog.

  The door opens, and I swipe the letter away with my forearm.

  “Full of surprises.” Even Johnny’s voice smirks. Within heartbeats, he’s standing behind me, his hands slipping over my shoulders, my arms, my chest. “This is not really what I had in mind. Are you forgoing the romance? The long talks and teasing caresses?”

  I clear my throat. “I want to see if you can play.”

  “Oh, Rain.” His tone makes things shrink inside me like they’re being singed at the edges. “I’m game.”

  He unbuttons his shirt. Slides out of his pants. “To the bed?”

  “No. Right here.”

  His chuckle is joyful, and I clench my teeth and squeeze my eyes against it. He wraps an arm around my waist and braces me against the window. His body is so firm—I wait for the warmth from within that I felt before, but it doesn’t come.

  Be soft!

  “I don’t know what to do.” My heart slams in my paper-thin chest. “You have to show me.” He doesn’t say anything, and I grip the window ledge, my fingernails throbbing as they grind the metal. “You’re going to have to help me.”

  Why won’t he answer?

  “Johnny.”

  “Shhh,” he says. “First rule, you don’t have sex with your head turned on. Actually, that’s the only rule.”

  I believe him. Maybe I have to. I give in to his kissing and pressing. My legs relax so terribly slowly . . . like ice thawing against his heat.

  I am here. And this is . . .

  Pain streaks up from my insides, clawing all the way to my mind.

  Happening.

  CHAPTER

  10

  When Johnny lets go, I slip down the window. My hips tip like they’ve been realigned, and he laughs. “That’s always a favorite part.” He holds an arm out, and I brace myself on it to keep from falling to my knees. “You’ve got your Void legs now, Rain.”

  I watch him dress.

  My own clothes are too far away.

  “Your first time and standing. I knew you weren’t going to disappoint me.” He fastens his pants.

  I have to swallow twice before my words will come. “Can I see my brother now?”

  “Tomorrow. Ben will need to take you, and he’s on his night duties.” His brown eyes are too lively. “I’m hungry. You?”

  “No.” I may never eat again.

  “Suit yourself.” He leans in to kiss me, and after what we just did, I’m surprised to find his lips intimate. He presses his face against mine for a moment. “I can still be a gentleman,” he says like he’s trying to convince himself. He locks eyes with me. “Thank you. I enjoyed that.”

  I don’t quite believe it when the door shuts, when I realize it’s over, and he’s gone.

  “You’re welcome.”

  I pull on my clothes and lean against the window. His body raged so hot against mine that it seemed to burn an impression of him into my back. I relish the cool of the pane, hoping the window can put the fire out.

  Sparks and stars? How could I have been such a fool? The only spark between Johnny and me is the jolt of his needs. And what I need now is the strength of my family, or what’s left of it. I need my brother.

  Tomorrow, Johnny had said. Well, I can’t wait.

  My legs ache as I amble out the door, and the little bit of blood that left me makes my pants stick to my thighs. Still, I keep going.

  The hallway light is dim, set low for night, and it draws spiky shadows down the walls. The Family Room’s lights are off altogether, and I creep around the sleeping girls to the corner window where Ben resides. I pull back a curtain and find his boots at face level. His legs slide up and down on the wall for balance while his arms lift his body in a series of vertical push-ups.

  “Wow,” I say. “That’s intense.”

  He kicks down, and I duck out of the way of his swinging legs. “On this ship, it’s too easy to go soft,” he says through pants. “You’ve got to . . . to try.” He peels his sweaty shirt over his head and uses it to wipe his face. I look to the window to escape getting caught in the glisten of his damp chest by the light of the window.

  The white web that was braided around the ship two nights ago has returned. It makes me gasp. “What is that?”

  He pulls a clean shirt over his head. “The edge of the wormhole. The Void. You can’t always see it, but it’s always there.” He draws a hand down the glass as though he wishes that he could touch what lies beyond. “It’s brilliant, isn’t it?” The strings fade into wisps and disappear with his words, dimming the curtained nook with the dark of space.

  “So you did it,” he says, still looking out the window.

  “How do you know?”

  “It’s my business to know things on this ship.” He sighs before adding, “You all right?”

  I take at least a dozen breaths before I answer. “I’m still here.”

  “He’s going to be out all night. He always parties after he breaks in a new girl.” He turns around and sweeps a han
d through his sweaty hair. “Hell. I didn’t mean—”

  “I’ll take that favor now,” I say. “Take me to my brother.”

  Ben leads me below the plush decks to the corridor where I watched him stab that man. He keys a code into his com to unlock a door, and we enter a musty cargo room similar to the one where I was strapped into that harness. And drugged. And stolen into this world.

  A single light dangles from the center, throwing shadows alongside its rays. Large boxes and crates stand eerily against the glow, and Ben pulls a tarp away from one of them. I’m leaning over it in a heartbeat, staring into Walker’s frozen face through the tiny pod window.

  The tears come fast, and I scrub them, embarrassed that Ben is watching. Walker’s small face is being overtaken with frost, and I itch to rub it away.

  “Can we open this?” I tap the glass.

  “Not without Johnny’s thumbprint.” He sits on a crate, his elbows propped on his knees. “Besides, he’s safer in there than out here.”

  I wish I didn’t agree. I lean away from the pod and swallow a moan. The cold stiffens the aches from what Johnny and I just did. “I thought I would feel better if I saw him, but now I feel . . .”

  “Used? Assaulted?”

  I scowl. “Lonely.”

  “The Void is about being alone. Get used to it.” He shakes his head. “I don’t mean to sound like an ass. Think of it this way: this ship is all smoke and secrets. Everyone’s lonely.”

  “I saw you.” The words slip out. I can no longer hold back my confusion. How can Ben be so careful and attuned, and then turn into Johnny’s assassin? “I saw you stab that man.”

  “You what?” He stands.

  “The other night.” I touch the pod behind me for support. “I followed you.”

  Ben stops a few steps away. “Why—why didn’t you say something?” He waves a hand in dismissal. “Scratch that, why did you follow me? Do you have any idea of what would have happened if Johnny saw you?”