The Road To The City

by Natalia Ginzburg

  On my way home I was very low in my mind. I hadn’t felt well for several days, and the mere smell of food was enough to make me lose my appetite. 'Do you suppose I’m pregnant?’ I thought to myself. ‘What am I going to do?’ I stood still on the road, with my heart in my throat. The country was silent around me, and I could see neither the city that I had left behind me nor our house that lay farther along the way. Other girls went to school, spent the summer at the shore, got asked to dances, and chattered like so many magpies. Why wasn’t I one of them? Why wasn’t my life like theirs?

  When I got up to my room I lit a cigarette, but it had a bad taste and I remembered that Azalea couldn’t smoke either when she was expecting her children. I must be pregnant, and when my father found out he’d kill me. ‘Perhaps it’s just as well,’ I thought. ‘Why not die and get it over with?’

  But the next morning when I got up I felt calmer. The sun was out and I picked grapes from the vines on the pergola with the boys. Then I walked through the village with Giulio. There was a fair on the street, and he bought me a good-luck charm to hang around my neck. Every now and then a wave of fright came over me, but I pushed it away and said nothing. I enjoyed the sight of the fair, with chickens clucking in their boxes and children blowing their horns.

  Later I remembered that Nini had been angry with me and decided to go and make up with him. Because it was a holiday Nini had not gone to work, and I found him just as he was coming out of the café. He asked me if I wanted a drink, and I could see that he was no longer angry. I said no, and we went down by the river.

  ‘Let’s be friends,’ I said after we had sat down.

  ‘All right. But in a few minutes I’ve got to go home.’

  ‘Can’t I come too? Is Antonietta still angry?’

  ‘Yes. She says you never even thanked her for what she did. And she’s jealous too.’

  ‘Jealous of me?’

  ‘Of you, yes.’

  ‘I’m glad of that!’

  ‘You would be glad, you little monkey! You love to see other people suffer. Now I’ve really got to go. But I don’t want to.’ He lay flat on the grass with his arms folded under his head.

  ‘Do you like being with me? Better than with Antonietta?’

  ‘Yes, I do. A whole lot better.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know why, but I do.’

  ‘And I like being with you too. Better than with anyone else.’

  ‘Better than with Giulio?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Now, how do you account for that!’ he said, laughing.

  ‘I really don’t know,’ I said. I wondered if he was going to kiss me, but there were too many people passing by. All of a sudden I saw Giovanni and Antonietta coming toward us.

  ‘I was sure we’d find them here,’ said Giovanni. But Antonietta eyed me coldly without saying a word. Nini stretched lazily and got up, and all four of us went for a walk in the city. That evening Giovanni said:

  ‘What a funny girl you are! All of a sudden you’re crazy about Nini and do nothing but hang around him.’ - That was quite true. I waited to see him all day long and went to meet him every evening at the factory gate. When he and I were together I managed to forget my new fear. I liked him when he was talking and when he was silent, as he often was, biting his nails and thinking about something. I was always wondering when he would kiss me, but he never did. He sat some distance away from me, rumpling his lock of hair and then smoothing it down again, and then he said:

  ‘Go on home.’

  But I didn’t want to go home. The only time I wasn’t bored was when we were together. I liked to hear him talk about the books he was always reading. I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I nodded my head and pretended to understand.

  'I'll bet you haven’t understood a word of what I just said,’ he’d say, giving me a playful slap on the cheek.

  6

  One evening while I was undressing I suddenly felt as if I were going to faint and I had to lie down on the bed. At the same time I was shivering and covered with perspiration. ‘Azalea used to be the same way,’ I said to myself. 'I'll tell Giulio to-morrow. After all, he’s got to know. But what will he say? What are we going to do? Can it really be true?’ I knew very well that it was. I was so hot that I couldn’t go to sleep, so I threw the covers off and sat up in bed with my heart thumping. What was Nini going to think of me? Once I had almost told him, but then I had lost my nerve.

  I saw Giulio in the village the next morning, but only for a minute, because he was going hunting with his father.

  ‘You’re not looking like much,’ he said.

  ‘I didn’t sleep well,’ I answered.

  ‘I hope to shoot a hare,’ he said. ‘I feel just like going out in the woods.’ He looked up at the clouds floating over the hills. ‘It’s good hunting weather,’ he added.

  That day I didn’t go to the old lady’s. I wandered about the city for a while and then went to see Azalea. She was out, but I found Ottavia ironing in the kitchen. She had on a white apron and shoes instead of bedroom slippers. The whole household was in better order when Azalea’s personal affairs were running smoothly, and even the children seemed to have put on weight. While Ottavia ironed one of Azalea’s brassieres she told me that everything was all right and Azalea was very happy. The student was quite different from his predecessor. He never neglected telephoning her and he did whatever she asked; in fact, he had not gone to see his parents in the country on this particular day just because Azalea had told him not to. The main thing was that ‘the master’ should not catch on. They must be very careful. And Ottavia begged me to wait until Azalea came home and tell her how careful she must be. I waited for a while, but Azalea didn’t come and so I went away. It was time for Nini to be coming out of the factory, but I walked slowly toward home. Rain started to fall and my feet got wet. As soon as I reached home I went to bed and slid away down between the sheets. I told my mother that I didn’t feel well and wouldn’t have any supper.

  'A bit of a chill,’ my mother said.

  The next morning she came into my room, felt my forehead, and said I didn’t have any fever. She told me to get up and help her scrub the stairs.

  ‘I can’t get up,’ I said. ‘I don’t feel well.’

  ‘So that’s the game, is it?’ she said. ‘You’re playing sick. I’m the one to be sick with all the back-breaking work I do. When mealtime comes around I’m too tired even to eat. And you enjoy seeing me die by inches.’

  ‘I can’t get up, I told you. I don’t feel well.’

  ‘What’s the matter with you?’ my mother asked, pulling down the sheet and peering into my eyes. ‘Is anything wrong?’

  ‘I’m pregnant,’ I said. My heart was beating fast, and for the first time I was afraid of what my mother might do. But she showed no surprise. She sat quietly on the edge of the bed and pulled the blanket over my feet.

  ‘Are you sure?’ she asked.

  I nodded and began to cry.

  ‘Don’t fret,’ said my mother. ‘Everything will come out all right. Does the young man know?’ I shook my head.

  ‘You should have told him, little fool. But now we’ll put everything straight. I’ll go and talk to those thugs myself. We’ll have a thing or two to say to them,’ She pulled her shawl up over her head and went out. Pretty soon she came back. Her face was red, but there was a satisfied look on it.

  ‘The thugs,’ she said. ‘But it’s done. Only we’ll have to wait a while until the young man has taken his degree. They insist on that. Now it’s a matter of keeping your father quiet. But I’ll see to that. That’s your mother’s job. You stay in bed and keep warm.’ She brought me a cup of coffee and then went to scrub the stairs. I could hear her laughing to herself, but a minute later she was standing in front of me.

  ‘I like the boy well enough,’ she said. ’It’s the mother that rubs me the wrong way. The father saw reason from the start. He said he was willing to mak
e good on his son’s behalf as long as we didn’t cause any scandal. He even asked me if I’d have something to drink. But the mother raised a terrible row. She threw herself on her son as if she were going to kill him and screamed like a slaughtered chicken. But that didn’t discourage me. “My daughter’s only seventeen,” I said, “and the court will protect her.” She turned white, sat down, and stroked her cuffs in silence. The boy hung his head and didn’t look at me. The doctor was the only one to speak. He begged me for the sake of his position not to cause a scandal. He paced up and down the rug the whole time. If you could see the rugs they have! And the house! They’ve everything.’

  I turned my head to one side as if I wanted to sleep, in order to make her go away. After a while I really did fall asleep and didn’t wake up until my father came in. I pricked up my ears and heard him talking to my mother in their room. All of a sudden he raised his voice and I thought: ’Now he’s coming to kill me!’ But he didn’t. Giovanni came instead.

  ‘Nini told me to ask why you didn’t come yesterday and tell you he’s expecting you to come to-day.’

  ‘Can’t you see I’m in bed?’ I answered. ‘I’m not well.’

  ‘Scarlet fever, that’s my guess,’ he said. ‘There’s an epidemic, and Antonietta’s children are both down with it. Soon your face will look like a big strawberry.’

  ‘I haven’t got scarlet fever,’ I said. ‘It’s something quite different.’

  He didn’t ask any questions but looked out the window and said:

  ‘Where’s he off to now?’

  I looked out the window, too, and saw my father walking toward the village.

  ‘Where can he be going?’ repeated Giovanni. ‘He hasn’t even had lunch.’

  Toward evening Azalea walked into the room with my mother.

  ‘We’re going to have a beautiful baby here next May,’ said my mother.

  Azalea didn’t answer. She sat down sombrely and unhooked her fox fur.

  ‘Mother’s a great talker,’ she said when we were alone, ‘but it’s not so certain that he’ll marry you. When Father went to see them they raised the roof, and it’s a wonder no one got killed. They offered Father money on condition that he would keep his mouth shut and you would go and have the baby somewhere far away. And said they’d see about the wedding later. Father shouted that they’d dishonoured him and that if Giulio didn’t promise to marry you he’d take the whole thing to court. When he came to see me he was worn to a frazzle. I told you that’s what would happen. Now you’ll have to stick close to the house because in the village they’re already beginning to talk. They can’t possibly know anything, but they can smell it in the air. Well, it’s your funeral.’

  Later on Giovanni came back. He knew now what it was all about and looked at me with malice in his eyes.

  ‘Nini doesn’t know yet,’ he said.

  ‘I don’t want you to tell him,’ I said.

  ‘Don’t worry about that. Do you think I want to brag about your accomplishments? You’ve got yourself into a pretty mess! Who knows if he’ll really marry you? Just now he’s gone away, no one knows where. They say he was engaged, you know. Not that I care. You can go to the devil, you and your baby.’

  I sat up and threw a glass that was on the night table at him. He screamed and started to hit me, but then my mother came in, took him by the collar of his jacket, and hauled him away. My mother didn’t want me to go near the kitchen or any of the downstairs rooms, for fear I’d run into my father. Giovanni told me that my father had sworn he wouldn’t come home if he had to see me. Anyhow, I didn’t want to leave my bed. I put my dress on in the morning in order to keep warm, but then I lay on the bed with a blanket over me. I felt worse every day. Mother brought me my meals on a tray, but I hardly touched them. One evening Giovanni threw a book on my bed.

  ‘That’s from Nini,’ he said.’ He waited three hours for you at the factory. He’s been waiting there for days, so he told me. So I said you weren’t well.’

  I tried to read the book but never got more than halfway through it. There were two men in it who killed a girl and trussed her up in a suitcase. The story frightened me and I wasn’t used to reading. I’d no sooner read a few pages than I forgot what had gone just before. I wasn’t like Nini that way. But all the same, time went by. I had them bring the gramophone up to my room and listened to the hoarse voice singing:

  ‘Velvety hands, your sweet perfume …’

  Was the singer a man or a woman? It was hard to tell. But I was used to the voice and enjoyed hearing it. No other song could have pleased me half as well. I no longer wanted anything new. Every morning I put on the same old worn dress with patches all over it. Dresses now meant nothing to me at all.

  7

  When Nini turned up quite unexpectedly, while my mother was at church on Sunday, I was almost sorry to see him. I stared at the flowers, dripping with rain, that he had brought with him and his dripping hair and smiling face as if they were unfamiliar and extraneous.

  ‘Shut the door,’ I said angrily.

  ‘Did I startle you? Were you sleeping? I’ve brought you some flowers,’ he said, sitting down near me. ‘How do you feel? Better? What was it, anyhow? You have such a funny look on your face.’

  ‘I’m not well,’ I answered, realizing that he still didn’t know.

  ‘Your face is thin and you’ve lost all your colour,’ he said. ‘It’s a very poor idea to stay shut up in your room. You ought to get some exercise. I’ve been waiting for you at the factory gate. Every day I think: “Perhaps she’s better now and will come.” Will you come to meet me there again when you get well?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘What do you mean, you don’t know? Why that high-and-mighty tone of voice? You’ve lost your good disposition too. Will you come or won’t you?’

  ‘They won’t let me go out,’ I answered.

  ‘What’s that? Why not?’

  ‘They don’t want me to go around with Giulio. Or with you either. Or with any boy.’

  ‘All right,’ he said, ‘have it your own way.’ And he began to pace up and down the floor. ‘That’s all lies,’ he said suddenly. ‘It must be a tricky way you’ve thought up of sending me to the devil. How you like to see me suffer, don’t you? I’m no good for working or for anything else. I think of you all day long. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? To break up my life completely.’ He looked at me with hard, wet eyes. ‘Well, you’ve got what you want, then.’

  ‘I don’t particularly want to see you suffer,’ I said, sitting up in bed. ‘Perhaps I did once upon a time. But not now. I’ve other things on my mind. I’m going to have a baby.’

  ‘Oh, is that it?’ he said, without showing very much surprise. But his voice went flat and dull. ‘Poor little girl!’ he said, laying a hand on my shoulder. ‘What will you do?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said.

  ‘Is he going to marry you?’.

  ‘I don’t know. I haven’t the slightest idea. They’ve gone to talk to him about it, and it seems he may marry me after he gets his degree.’

  ‘I love you. Do you know that?’ he said.

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  ‘You might have come to love me too, after a while,’ he said. ’But there’s no point in talking about that now. It would just make it hurt all the more. That’s all over. Here I am beside you and I don’t know what to say. I’d like to do something to help you, and at the same time I wish I could go away and never hear your name again.’

  ‘Go along, then,’ I said, starting to cry.

  ‘I was terribly happy,’ he said. ‘I thought that little by little you’d fall in love with me too. At least, sometimes I thought so. At other times I was afraid I loved you too much. “She’ll never love me,” I said to myself; “she only likes to see people suffer….” How silly we were, both of us.’

  We fell silent, and tears streamed down my face.

  ‘Perhaps he’ll marry me when he gets his degree,�
� I said.

  ‘Yes, perhaps he will. Besides, I’m not your type. You’d take it out of me. We’re too different.’

  And Nini went away. I heard him go down the stairs and stop in the garden to speak to my mother. Then my mother came up to see me and said that she’d seen the doctor’s family at church, but Giulio wasn’t there. The doctor had told her that he’d sent Giulio to the city and asked her if he could come to see her at the house.

  ‘That means it’s in the bag,’ my mother said.

  The doctor came that very day, and he and my mother shut themselves up in the dining-room and talked for nearly two hours. Then my mother came upstairs and told me to be glad, because it was settled that we were to get married in February. Until then Giulio had to have peace and quiet and concentrate on his studies and we weren’t to see one another. In fact, the doctor wanted me to leave the village at once in order to avoid the possibility of gossip. My mother had decided to send me to my aunt, who lived in a village higher up in the mountains, but not very far away. She was afraid that I might refuse to go, so she spoke in the highest terms of her sister-in-law, glossing over the fact that they had hardly spoken for years on account of a dispute over some furniture. She told me about the garden in front of my aunt’s house, where I could walk to my heart’s content.

  ‘I hate to see you shut up in your room,’ she said. ‘But people have evil tongues.’

  Later Azalea came, and she and my mother decided on the day when I was to leave. My mother wanted her to persuade her husband to lend us a car from the company he worked for, but Azalea wouldn’t do it.

  8

  When I finally did go to my aunt’s it was in a wagon. My mother went with me, and we drove through the fields so that no one should see us. I had on one of Azalea’s coats because none of my own clothes fitted me any more. It was evening when we got there. My aunt was a stout woman with bulging black eyes and wore a pair of scissors around her neck because she was a dressmaker. The first thing she did was to quarrel with my mother over the amount of board I was to pay. Santa, her daughter, brought me something to eat and lit the fire. She sat down beside me and told me that she, too, hoped to get married some day, but ‘there wasn’t any hurry.’ She laughed as she spoke, because she had been engaged for eight years to the mayor’s son, who sent her postcards from the camp where he was doing his military service.