The Light in the Wound

by Christine Brae

  “I love you, A. I do.”

  “Baby, you’re my heart and soul.”

  He kissed me passionately but stopped when I reached out to try to pull him on top of me. “Isa, you have to go to sleep. I’m okay with just holding you tonight. I want to relish this moment — our first real sleepover!”

  “Hmm,” I mumbled sleepily. The events of the evening had managed to exhaust my energy. I wanted to collapse with relief that he was the one lying next to me. “Okay, Alex. Goodnight.” I turned around and faced away from him, but my back was snuggled tightly against his chest.

  “Night, baby. I love you.”

  As expected, we awoke to the shrill tone of the alarm clock. Alex reached over me to shut it off and stayed on top of me, trying to settle himself in between my legs. I opened my eyes and wrapped my legs around him.

  “Can you call in sick?” he mumbled into my neck.

  “Wish I could, but I’ve got two meetings this morning and then I have to meet my grandpa for a board meeting at 6:00 P.M.” I threw my head back as he laced his fingers in mine and held them tight against the bed.

  “Can I see you after that?” His mouth was already on my breast and beginning to trail down toward my belly button.

  “Only if you get back up here and give me what I want.” I pulled his face back up toward me and experienced the best possible start to anyone’s day. Ever.

  “On the path of Love

  We are neither masters nor the owners of our lives.

  We are only a brush in the hand

  Of the Master Painter.”

  —Rumi

  Alex insisted on picking me up every day after work and spending most evenings with me. Sometimes we would go to a bar for a drink before heading home, other times we would stop by the mall or store to do some last minute shopping. Unlike Jesse, who didn’t care about what he wore, Alex was an impeccable dresser. He loved to shop. We spent many evenings at Ermenegildo Zegna’s designer shop, and he was constantly being fitted for suits and shirts for every occasion. He would walk out of the dressing room and the salesladies would fight over him.

  One night, on the way home from one of our shopping trips, we found ourselves in rush hour traffic with bumper-to-bumper cars on either side of us.

  “Babe,” he began, “do you ever swear or curse?”

  “That’s pretty random.” I snickered. “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. I’m just sitting here trying to remember whether I’ve ever heard you cuss.”

  “You mean, aside from when we’re in bed?” I asked seductively, as I placed my hand on his leg and squeezed.

  His blue eyes turned mischievous as he turned to me and said, “Isa, I dare you. Roll down the window and yell “Motherfucker” at the guy right there next to you.”

  “Alex! What?”

  “Come on, if you love me, do it!” he dared, as he lovingly poked my shoulder. “I wanna hear you swear!”

  “Have you lost your mind? There’s no way I’m doing that. Besides, you cuss often enough for both of us.” I looked at him and shook my head, shrugged my shoulders and pretended to ignore his request. As he focused his attention on the road to inch the car up through the traffic, I pressed the button to roll down the window, stuck my head out and yelled at the top of my lungs, “Mo-ther-fuck-er!”

  The cars in front of us started to move and we were able to drive away.

  I turned to face him with a smirk on my face. “Take that, buddy. Who’s not spontaneous now, huh?” I was actually dying to wash my mouth out with soap.

  “Baby, that was awesome! I’m so proud of you!” He laughed heartily as he reached over to take my hand. “You’re my sexy, dirty girl.”

  Whatever it was, wherever we went, Alex always made it a priority for us to see each other often. There were times when he still had to travel for his dad’s business, but he tried to limit them to day trips where he would fly back late that same day. I missed him whenever he was gone. I couldn’t get enough of being with him. My experience with men had always been to let them be free to pursue their own ambitions. My support for Alex’s career was no different from the way that I handled Jesse. The most important contrast was the security I felt with Alex. He always put me first. Alex was also very respectful of my time and never took the fact that I wanted to see him for granted. He would always ask to see me rather than assume it. Once when I spoke with Betty about it, she said, “That’s the way it should have always been. You’re smarter now about relationships because of what you’ve been through. During this experience with Alex, you will soon see that if you allow the guy to love you more than you love him, you will always have the upper hand.” In a way, what she said made total sense. Alex always acted like he appreciated every single minute we spent together. I was always reserving a piece of myself just in case. For what? For whom? I didn’t have the answer to that just yet.

  It was two weeks after the charity event that I finally heard from Jesse.

  “Hello?”

  “Iss, it’s me.”

  “Yes, I know.” I grasped the phone in my hand a little too tightly.

  “I’m sorry for the other night. I was so jealous. I lashed back at you and said some hurtful words. I didn’t mean them,” he said shakily.

  “It’s okay, Jess.”

  “Are you happy?”

  “Yes, I am.” Awkward.

  “I’m glad you’re okay, Iss. I’m going to give you some time. Just know that I miss you so very much.”

  “Thank you, Jesse. Take care of yourself.”

  My grandmother and grandfather were probably the happiest ones of all about the news that Alex and I were together. My grandfather had always liked him and my grandmother just thought he was really good looking. It didn’t hurt that his parents were family friends as well. Evie and Alicia knew him from high school and were a little more cautious about finally accepting that this could be a long-term relationship. They saw how crazy I was about Jesse and were still skeptical about the way I had broken up with him for Alex. They liked him and were glad that I was finally in a good place in my life, but I think they thought it was merely a phase.

  What surprised them more was how driven I was at this point in my career. I was promoted twice in six months and was moving up the ranks to become a Senior Economics Consultant. My grandfather also began to count on me more and more for business decisions and advice. He was so impressed at how deftly I handled the negotiations for two of our largest supplier contracts that he passed on the commission base to me. I scored one purse each for myself, Evie and Alicia, and I took Alex to a nice romantic dinner at the top of the Four Seasons to celebrate my success. He was floored that I wanted to do this for him. At times, during our quiet moments together, a very pensive Alex would look at me like he still couldn’t believe that I was with him.

  “Thank you, baby,” he whispered, as he reached across the table to take my hand. We were dining at our favorite restaurant one night after a late meeting.

  “For what?” I lovingly rubbed my thumb on his wrist.

  “For being here with me.”

  I was so engrossed in the conversation going on behind me that I didn’t respond.

  “What?” He chuckled as he caught me smiling at him from across the booth.

  “Nothing. These women right behind me are talking about you. The one facing you is gushing,” I whispered, amused.

  This had become an acceptable fact of dating Alex. Even before you saw his face, there was no use hiding his body under anything he wore. His clothes hung on him so perfectly, like a runway model. That night, he wore a white casual button down shirt over low-slung distressed jeans that had the perfect flair to match his canvas designer sneakers. His short hair showcased his perfect jaw, his full lips, and his round blue eyes. The stubble that lined his jaw and his chin tempered his clean-cut look.

  “Come sit by me, please. You feel so far away.” His eyes were dancing like little blue lights on a Christmas tree.
I stood up, walked around and slid into the booth with him. It was like he gave me his consent to claim my territory. He leaned against me, closing the gap between us as his mouth skimmed my earlobe.

  “Much better,” he murmured. “You know, I don’t care about anyone but you.”

  One Saturday afternoon while Alex was out golfing with both my grandfather and his father, Alicia came over with the kids. Alicia normally came over on her nanny’s day off so that our maids at the house could help her with the children. She seemed different that day. I could tell that she’d been crying. Something hadn’t been right with Alicia for a while now. Even during the time we went to Hong Kong together, I saw that she was a little off.

  “Auntie Isabel!” Chelsea and Christopher, now six and five, came running into my arms.

  “Hey guys! Oh my gosh, Chels, look at that dress! Did your mommy get that for you? Whoa, Chris, what kind of a gun is that?”

  Alicia walked in right behind them. Her voice was short and curt. “Alex here?”

  “Hi to you too, my dear sister. No, he’s out golfing with the fam. I don’t expect him till about 8:00 this evening. Why? Did you need him for anything?” I asked as I knelt down to swoop both kids in my arms.

  “No, nothing. Just wondering,” Alicia said blankly.

  “Hey, I was thinking, let’s leave the babies and go shopping for an hour or so. I need an outfit for our one-month anniversary. Alex wants to go out dancing.”

  “Sure, give me a minute to get a drink. Wanna go to the new mall?” Alicia asked, as she punched the intercom button to ask the kitchen to bring her a drink.

  “Sounds like a plan,” I responded.

  About thirty minutes later, we found ourselves strolling around at a high-end mall looking at clothes in the window. Alicia was always on a budget. She couldn’t afford much these days. My grandparents effectively “disowned” her after her pregnancy. She had been working odd jobs here and there, while her husband’s parents paid for his college tuition. Once in a while, I would purchase things for her.

  “I don’t want to spend too much on an outfit for this date. I thought I would just switch up my old skirt with a nice statement piece. What do you think?”

  “Isabel, Carter left me.”

  “He let you what?” I asked, as I picked up a pretty lace blouse and held it against my chest.

  “I said he left me.” She shrugged her shoulders as she said it.

  “Oh, Alicia! What happened?” I delicately held her arm and led her away from the store. “Let’s find a place to have some coffee so we can talk.”

  A few minutes later, we were seated comfortably in a private lounge at a designer store. They had couches and free coffee and tea for all their clients. I knew the ladies at this store and it was the closest place I could find to keep the momentum going. Alicia was ready to talk, and I wasn’t going to give her a chance to change her mind. We sat and settled down while the sales ladies rushed around to get us some tea.

  “Okay, I figure a conversation like this calls for us to be surrounded by beautiful purses to divert our attention. So tell me. What happened?”

  “He fell in love with someone else. A classmate of his.” She wasn’t in tears, she wasn’t freaking out. She was just hopelessly sad. Her eyes were bleak and tortured.

  “How long ago?”

  “A few months ago. I’ve been trying so hard to get him back, Isa. It didn’t work. He wants to leave me to be with her.”

  “That asshole. What about the kids?”

  “His mom will help with their support,” Alicia responded calmly.

  “How do you feel about this, Alicia? Talk to me. What can I do to help?”

  “I’m so tired. Tired of trying. Tired of crying all the time.”

  “Alicia, does Mom know? We have to tell her. But most importantly, we have to move you and the kids back into the house. I’ll take care of you … I’ll help you. I’m here for you.”

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you were going through that whole ordeal with Jesse, Isa. I just felt that I wasn’t the right person to give you advice at that time. My whole life was falling apart, and I was begging Carter to stay. I didn’t want to set a bad example for you. I’m not as strong as you are, I was even willing to forgive him for being unfaithful.” She was crying now, and I was holding her. Good thing we were the only ones in the store. It was just us and a whole bunch of purses all around us.

  I stroked her hair as I continued. “You’re in a different situation, Alicia. You have two children to think about. They need their father. I don’t blame you for trying to work it out with him. But since he has already made the decision to leave, you must hold your head up high and walk away from it.”

  “Do you think I can go back to school?” she asked anxiously. She looked like a little child, cowering in my arms.

  “You can do whatever you want. We will help you. Now, let’s get out of here before I purchase this Galiera that the girl just stuck in my face.”

  She let out a subdued laugh and wiped away her tears.

  “Isa?”

  “Yup?”

  “Just an FYI. Jesse’s been calling me.”

  I looked at her as I shrugged my shoulders and gave her a half smile. “Just be a friend to him, Ali, he probably really needs one right now.”

  Alicia and I decided that she would call my mother from her house that night, while I would make arrangements to have Bernard move her stuff from Carter’s house to our house by the weekend. All she had to do was move back into her old bedroom.

  I was exhausted and emotionally drained by the time Alicia and the kids left to return to Carter’s house. I was at a loss for words of comfort for her. I wanted to confront Carter but I didn’t see the point. Just as Alicia had been when I warned her about him, there was nothing anyone could do now that he was in love with someone else. I learned from my own experience that no one’s words of wisdom are as good as your own. Burning your hand once is the only way you’ll ever remember never to touch an open fire.

  Alex arrived from his golf game a little later than expected. He texted me earlier asking me to join him, his father and my grandparents for dinner but I begged off, telling him that Alicia and the kids were there for a visit. By the time he reached the upstairs bedroom, he looked like a man on a desperate mission. I was sitting up in bed reading a book when he took two steps across the room to sit beside me. He kissed me as if he was going to die if he didn’t do so at that moment.

  “Hi handsome. Who won?” I asked, kissing him back. “You smell so good,” I said as I sniffed his hair and held his face.

  “I showered at the club before having dinner with your family.” He smiled. That warm glorious smile could lighten anyone’s mood.

  “How are my grandparents?” I asked. “Have they adopted you yet?”

  “Haha, funny. I beat your grandpa by three strokes. Why don’t you put that book down and show me how much you missed me?”

  “I did miss you. A lot.”

  “Show me,” he urged.

  “Well, funny you should ask. I’m starving,” I whispered back, as I gently freed him from his boxers and took him in my mouth. I loved holding his hands down in place while I did those things to him. It pleased me so much to see him come unhinged because of me.

  Later that evening, I told him about Alicia and the sorrow that I felt about the end of her marriage. We were lying in bed, me crossways on his rock-hard stomach, him slightly sitting up reviewing a contract that he had to execute the next day. Alex always had to touch a part of me, no matter where we were. While one hand was holding up the contract, the other was cupped around my breast.

  “Alex.”

  “Hmmm.”

  “You don’t have to turn the pages with your teeth. Use your other hand!” I laughed.

  “The other hand is busy right now.” He winked.

  “It’s just so unfair. Why her? She is the sweetest, kindest, most trusting person I know.”


  “That guy is a tool, Isabel. I never liked him, even when you guys were in high school.”

  Sometimes I forgot that he was three years older than me.

  “I guess they were just so young, what do you really know at that age?”

  “Maybe this is what’s best for Alicia. It will give her a fresh start. Just be there for her, Isabel, like you always are.”

  “You know that my grandparents disowned her, right? She hasn’t really gotten any support since the kids were born.”

  “She won’t need it. We’ll help her as much as we can.” The sincerity in his voice as he uttered those kind words meant more to me than he will ever know.

  It was the night of our one-month anniversary as a couple. A Friday night. Alex and I were going to a late dinner after work. He was actually flying in from an overnight business trip, so I offered to pick him up at the airport on the way home from the office. I planned to just freshen up at work before heading out to see him. By this time I had become an expert in choosing work outfits that could easily be “converted” into evening wear for nights out with him. That day, I chose a black halter-top leather dress and matched it with a black blazer, so the only leather you could see was the skirt. I wore it with understated black pumps that were going to be transformed into understated leopard print pumps as soon as it hit 5 o’clock. I was sweating bullets in the office all day, but the look was worth it.

  The trip to the airport took about 45 minutes. Enough time to transform my outfit and freshen up for Alex. We didn’t have to wait at all by the time we got to the airport. He was standing outside in a gray suit with a white button down shirt that was already unbuttoned due to the heat. Bernard waved at him, and he stepped up to the right side of the door to get in.

  “Hi,” I said shyly.

  “Hi baby. Wow. You look amazing, as always.”

  The blazer had come off and the four-inch leopard print shoes were on. The skirt looked much shorter on me without the blazer.

  I slid toward him as he grabbed me and placed me on top of his lap. “Happy Anniversary,” he whispered sensually into my ear, as his nose traced a line from my jaw to my neck and his fingers softly rubbed the inside of my thigh.