The Light in the Wound

by Christine Brae

  That Sunday morning, I received a call from Evie.

  “Hi Eves! How’ve you been?”

  “Isa! Congratulations again! Did you get my text the other week?”

  “Yes, I responded, did you not receive it? We were at Pierre’s the other day and he said he would fax you a list of the required measurements so someone can take them there for you. He needs it in about a week.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll send them back as soon as I hear from him. Mom needs to take her measurements too.”

  “Mom’s coming home for my wedding?”

  “She said she wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  “That’s so awesome! Eves? Please don’t forget Gracie’s measurements as well. I want to make sure she gets to wear a special flower girl dress.”

  “Who’s in your entourage?”

  “You, Ali and Betty.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Some of Alex’s cousins and the guys are his friends from college here and abroad.”

  “None of your old friends?”

  “What old friends? They’re all angry with me for leaving Jesse. They’ve all taken his side and have stopped speaking to me.”

  “Assholes. Anyway, Isa, that’s why I’m calling. Jesse called me last night.”

  “Evie, I don’t know what to do. He called me about a week ago too.”

  “He’s distraught, Isabel. He begged me to talk some sense into you — to stop you from going through with marrying Alex.”

  “What did you tell him?”

  “That you have made your decision and that there’s nothing I can do. He asked me how you could stop loving him just like that.”

  “I didn’t stop loving him. I just ran out of ways to love him. Things with Alex are so much easier, and he loves me so much.”

  “Isabel, you know I love you. I want you to make the right decision, okay? Even if you have to take time to do it. There is nothing too late about this. We can fix it if it needs fixing. Don’t be afraid to tell me if you think you’ve made a mistake. Ali and I, we jumped into marriage and repeated the same mistakes our parents made.”

  “But I’ve decided, Evie. I belong with Alex. What’s really on your mind?” My intuition told me something else was bothering her.

  “I just can’t reconcile the fact that you were head over heels two months ago.”

  “That’s the thing. Maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I thought I was. After Alex and I got together, the exhaustion from trying too hard with Jesse just got to me.”

  “But you still love him.”

  “No one can stop loving someone who had their heart for such a long time. But I am in love with Alex. Is there something else you’re trying to tell me? How are you and Seth doing?”

  “Surviving. One day at a time, Isabel. Sometimes love doesn’t last forever. I gotta go. I’m actually calling you from work. I’m on shift today.” Evie worked for an airline.

  “I love you, Evie. Take care and please call me if you need anything.”

  “I love you, Isa. Enjoy this time in your life. It’s an exciting time.”

  Jesse’s call, as well as Evie’s concern, weighed heavily on me that day. This was all happening too fast, too soon. Once again, I decided not to tell Alex about any of it when he called me that night. I didn’t want to burden him with issues while he was away trying to get work done.

  That Monday, I showed up bright and early at work for a Committee briefing supposed to take place before the formal start of a hearing. We were going to spend the week conducting surveys about a job incentive bill the Senator wanted to spearhead. As I approached my desk, a huge smile broke out on my face. Alex had probably asked someone to deliver a single pink rose to me that morning. Only it wasn’t Alex as I opened the note.

  When I asked the secretary how it got to my desk, she said that the mailroom had delivered it even before she arrived at the office.

  The next day, another note — this time it was accompanied by a small replica of his college MVP award:

  By Wednesday, it was already a matter of expectation. I knew that this would go on daily until the end of the week. I was more afraid about the Friday surprise, only because he might end up showing up to deliver it himself. These little gifts were slowly having an effect on me. They most certainly did not make me change my mind about Alex, but they were breaking me down to thinking that I might be throwing years of my life away. I caught myself daydreaming at various points throughout the day. I also spent many moments feeling choked up; it was a physical pain, like something was stuck in my chest.

  Wednesday’s gift was a pair of dice but only with a five and a two on each of the four sides.

  By this time, it had begun to rattle me. I buried myself in my work, making sure to have all calls held and sent into voicemail. The memories were just too much. He had finally found the right buttons to push. My heart felt divided. I wanted my head to take over, but the traitor was swayed and had taken sides with my heart. I stared at Alex’s picture on my desk. He was gorgeous. What else was I looking for? He loved me and I knew that life with him would be secure and predictable. Alex was proof to me that you could be driven with ambition without choosing it over love. There was really nothing to forgive Jesse for. He just wore my heart out. I lifted my nose up over my stack of papers later on that afternoon due to the constant knocking on my office door. It was my secretary trying to slip me three little pink notes. “Two calls from Mr. Ailey and one from Mr. Cain,” she announced. “Mr. Ailey would really like a call back this afternoon.”

  “Thank you, Maria. And did Mr. Cain leave a message?”

  “No ma’am, he didn’t. He did leave a call back number in case you need it. It’s on the note I just handed to you.”

  “Thank you. I’ll call Alex right now. Please just shut the door on your way out.”

  He answered even before the first ring went through.

  “Baby. Your cellphone is off.”

  “Hi, A. Sorry. I asked Maria to hold my calls. Am trying to finish three things at the same time!”

  “That’s okay. I was just worried that something was up. Guess what?”

  “Hmmm. Let’s see. You miss me?”

  “I do, but better than that. Catching the red eye tonight to SF so I can make tomorrow’s flight home. I’ll be back on Friday late afternoon.”

  “Oh, A. You don’t know how happy that makes me. I just need you to come home.”

  “Is everything okay? What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. Just weird without my normal stalker.” Freudian slip.

  He chuckled. “Be careful what you wish for. I’ll be back at it in two days. I love you, baby. Can’t wait to be home.”

  “Love you too, A. Have a safe flight back. I’ll be waiting.”

  On my way out of the office, I sent Betty a message.

  ME: D’Marks in 30 minutes?

  BETTY: I thought you’d never ask.

  The bar was crowded, loud and smoky, surprisingly hopping on a Wednesday night. The atmosphere was a little too boisterous for me, but I was afraid to be alone with the silence of my thoughts. I went straight from work and ditched my jacket to reveal a plain white button down blouse, a silver belt and black skinny pants. Same bartender; same faces. Didn’t people have a life outside of this place? Betty walked in five minutes later, as I was getting seated at the bar.

  “Someone has a new purse.”

  “You like? I picked it up after work last week. I swear the stress is making me spend money.”

  “Jesse?”

  I nodded.

  “Oh, Isabel, why didn’t you call me?” Betty motioned to the bartender and asked him to bring us two glasses of red wine.

  “Oh, and chips please.” I interjected. Salty, crunchy and full of calories. Makes any stress-filled situation feel so much better.

  “What good would it do, B? I figured I wasn’t going to drag you into this mess,” I said, as I fished out my gifts from my purse to show her.

  �
��Oh wow. These are pretty intense. You need to tell Alex about it, Iss. I’m afraid it will get worse as the wedding date gets closer.”

  I didn’t answer. I was deep in thought.

  “Betty, if you were me, what would you do? I feel like I need to see him for closure. But I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I won’t give in.”

  “You and Alex got engaged a month after you left Jesse. There was no time to really figure things out in your heart and in your mind. It’s also so unfair for Jesse to be bombarding you with these things before you get married, but in a way, this will help you decide who your heart really wants.”

  “Alex is good for me.”

  “Jesse isn’t bad either. You don’t know Alex that well. Do you go with a known or take a chance with an unknown?”

  “I love Alex.”

  “How about we assign points for best sex?” She giggled.

  “There’d be a stalemate.” I snickered. “Besides, from what you’ve told me, I’d probably choose Leigh.” We both laughed at that before her face turned serious once again.

  “Isabel, talk to me. I’m here for you. I know I’ve been so busy with my wedding, but you’ll have me back all to yourself in a few weeks.”

  “Betts, do you know what my grandfather always used to tell me? ‘Never accept a counteroffer. If they weren’t good to you the first time, they’ve lost their chance to gain your loyalty and trust. What makes you think it will be better the next time?’”

  “Ha. Makes so much sense.” Betty waved her finger at the bartender for two more glasses of wine.

  “B! Please don’t worry too much. I’ve made my decision. I just need to be strong enough to let Jesse know. I haven’t really spoken to him after he called me that one day, but I will. Eventually, I’ll face him and we’ll sort this out. He’s too much of a gentleman not to respect the fact that Alex is now in the picture. Let’s get off this subject and talk about the wedding. Did you ever address that issue about the potpourri they wanted to use for your giveaways?”

  “Yup. My mom had some dried flowers shipped from Provence.”

  “Nice.”

  We called it an early night and I was in bed by 11. I was so tired that I crashed immediately and felt more rested as I arrived at work the next day. I spent the time on the way to the office wondering what Thursday’s gift would be. Sure enough, there was a gold pouch on top of my desk with another handwritten note. Inside the pouch was a tiny crystal heart that was attached to a pretty silver chain.

  I never doubted his love for me. That was never the problem. When you love someone, their happiness elates you and their sorrow kills you. It devastated me to think that I was causing him all this pain. I wanted to take it away from him, but in doing so, I would annihilate the person who had loved me for so long. Either way, none of us were going to emerge from this unscathed. Jesse called the office twice that day, but Maria knew not to transfer them to me.

  I walked into the office on Friday expecting the worst. Jesse’s face popped in my head a few times, and I suspected that he would personally be delivering my gift for the end of the week. A feeling of dread overcame me as I approached my desk. Nothing. Not a thing was there. I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he just wanted to tell me how he felt but knew that it was over between us. What a positive start to my day. Most importantly, I was going to see Alex in a few hours. I spent the day at the Senate office working with the team on a presentation due the following week. I bumped into a few of my grandfather’s acquaintances who congratulated me on my engagement. Things might work out on their own after all, I thought. I’d better tell Alex everything as soon as he gets home.

  I left the office early to get to the airport in time for Alex to arrive. There must have been a hundred flights at the same time. Traffic was bad and the lanes were all full of cars. About two minutes after we pulled up, my phone buzzed.

  ALEX: Just walking down to the doors, will see you soon!

  ISABEL: Okay, I sent Bernard to get you. He’ll be outside waiting.

  I waited for a few minutes until I caught a glimpse of him walking toward the car. I didn’t tell him I was coming to the airport, and I was sure he couldn’t see through the heavily tinted glass. He seemed to be rushing to the car but was stopped by two women who engaged him in conversation as he walked toward me. He opened the car door not expecting me to be waiting. He registered a surprised look as he slammed the door in the women’s faces and slinked up toward me with a magnificent smile on his face.

  “Hi,” I whispered as he cupped my face in his hands.

  We kissed. Ravenously. It was as if he had been gone for two years instead of two weeks.

  “How was your trip? You must be tired.” I pulled away and leaned my head on his chest.

  “I missed you so much. I slept well on the plane, so I feel okay.”

  I shifted on the seat as he pulled me into his lap.

  “Alex?”

  “Hmmm?” His hands traveled up my legs, to my thighs and finally up under my skirt.

  “Can we talk when we get home?” And then just like clockwork. I felt him stiffen up from under me.

  “Isabel. You’re not wearing any underwear.”

  “Oops.”

  The ride back home from the airport was nothing short of momentous. I offered to drop Alex off at his house so he could get settled first before making any further plans for that night. I noticed two missed calls from Mellie, but we were so close to home that I thought she could just ask me her question in person. Alex insisted on coming home with me and said that he would just return home the next day.

  “Wanna stay in tonight?” he asked while leading me through the front door.

  “We can do anything you want. I know you’re tired so how about we watch movies and just relax?” I answered.

  “No movies, I just spent fourteen hours watching movies,” he gleamed. “I want some action.”

  “You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

  —Christopher Columbus

  As we walked into the foyer, Alex’s attention was drawn to the coral table in the middle of the entranceway. On the table were five vases of the largest pink roses I’d ever seen. He let go of my hand and quickly rushed to snatch the card on the table.

  “Alex!” I tried to overtake him.

  “Well, I know these aren’t from me,” he snorted sarcastically.

  Mellie approached and whispered, “I tried to call you.”

  I nodded at Mellie and begged her with my eyes to leave us alone to talk.

  “Sonofabitch!” he muttered under his breath as he flung the card on the floor.

  “A, please, who cares if he did this?”

  “Read the card, Isabel.”

  “I’m not going to.”

  “Why not? He took the time to write it for you.”

  “Because I already know what it says. All week, Alex. That’s what I wanted to speak to you about.”

  “I want the fucking wedding moved up to next week.”

  I had never seen him so distraught. When was I going to stop hurting everyone around me?

  “What will that accomplish?”

  “It will make you mine and he won’t have a chance.”

  “Getting married isn’t going to solve anything,” I whispered ever so softly, afraid of the effect those words were going to have on him.

  “What did you say? Is there something that needs to be solved?”

  “No. What I meant to say is that I need to fix this. I need to tell him to stop. I hate hurting both of you. I don’t know what to do.”

  “You don’t know what to do about us? You’re changing your mind?”

  “That’s not what I said. Please, Alex. Don’t take it out of context.”

  “Isa, did you really tell him what he said you did in that card?”

  I walked over to the floor and picked up the card. It read:

  “Yes.” No lies.

  “Then
how can I compete with that?” There were tears in his eyes as he slowly got up and walked out the door.

  The look on Alex’s face haunted me for the rest of the night. I resolved not to call him or try to appease him until I myself was convinced of the promises I wanted to make to him. Alicia thought I needed to take a break and go somewhere for the weekend to help me clear my mind. We packed up the kids and headed out to a resort where my mother still owned some membership shares. I insisted on renting a one-bedroom villa, but Alicia thought I needed time alone to think. In the end, we agreed on a two-bedroom house on stilts overlooking the bright, crystal clear water. I spent that Saturday swimming with Chelsea and Christopher, while Alicia stayed inside to relax and catch up on her books. There was something about the fresh air and the tranquil sea that helped to cleanse my spirit and rendered me fearless enough to get lost in my thoughts. We had an early dinner, and I asked Alicia to take over the kids while I took a walk along the beach by myself. I trotted up the walkway away from the house and randomly turned to the right to begin my walk on the sand. Somehow, looking over the horizon at miles and miles of endless sand was symbolic of my life. Growing up with the kind of family I had was like trudging down the walkway leading from the house. I couldn’t choose that course but as I walked away from it, I had the freedom to either turn left or right, knowing only that any of the choices I made involved some uncertainty. It was just a matter of thinking about the experiences in my life with these two men and choosing the avenue that felt more right to me. My answer was always Alex. The lighthearted banter and friendship we enjoyed even before he asked for a commitment was a good foundation for the future that we were going to share. Especially knowing what happened between my parents. I was never going to be the woman who would make the man I love choose between me and someone or something else. I was always fighting for Jesse’s validation. I was never going to have to do that with Alex, simply because it worked the other way around. Maybe it wasn’t as intense or romantic as what Jesse and I had. But Alex loved me. I had spent most of my life taking care of everybody else. It was my turn to bask in someone’s love. Jesse was full on giving it to me now, but Alex had always been with me.