Myth Alliances

by Robert Asprin

  "What's an unreasonable request?" I pressed. "More food?"

  "Oh," Wensley began, a shade too casually. "Suppose a silversmith had a lot of very beautiful pendants that the Pervect Ten were minding for him, and he wanted them, say, to trade for other, more rare items?"

  "I'd say it sounded like normal commerce," I shrugged. "Why don't both shopkeepers go to the castle together and negotiate the trade there? The pendants could be put into the other guy's bin, and the silversmith could have access to the stuff he bought."

  "Uh, er… what if the other shopkeeper… didn't live around here?"

  "Like in another dimension?" Zol asked. It was too direct a question. Not an eye met his. I nodded.

  "You're afraid that they would cut you off from the rest of the dimensions."

  "If they can! But they can't," Wensley insisted firmly. "Not as long as we have the D-hopper! We will be free to visit everywhere!"

  "Shhh!" the others chided him.

  "But so many things we never see again," Wensley went on in a whisper. "They are entitled to their fee, but we believe that they are supplementing it with very generous self-assigned bonuses."

  Robbing the poor Wuhses blind. I was appalled.

  "But, and this is the most difficult thing for us to say," Wigmore began, "Wuh is such a pleasant place to live that it frees one to think about expanding one's base of operations…"

  "They're planning to use Wuh as a jumping-off point to conquer other dimensions? How do you know this?"

  "You know," began Yarg, of Public Health, "they do speak so loudly. Some of what they say might have been overheard by the sanitation supervisors ('Cleaning staff,' Bunny whispered.) in the castle. Quite by accident, of course."

  "Of course." I shared a glance with Tananda, Bunny and Zol. I could tell the others were thinking the same thing I was. The Pervect Ten had to go.

  "All right, then," I agreed resolutely. "We all need a good night's sleep. Tomorrow, my company and I will begin our investigation and see if we can figure out how to kick them out."

  "Er, eh…" Gubbeen began, raising a finger. "Master Skeeve, if I may be so bold, we've been giving you our input all evening."

  I looked at him, puzzled. "You've been telling us how we can get rid of the Pervect Ten?"

  "Well… perhaps not direct suggestions," Gubbeen coughed modestly. "That would be presumptuous. But we would like to be able to guide you in your approach."

  "What?" I asked, then shook my head to clear it. I'd been awake far too long. "Let me try and sum up what I've been hearing: What you're all telling me is that you want to tell us how to run our operation, is that it?" I prompted them. "Hmm?"

  I could hear wordiness bubbling up like soup about to boil over. I cut it off. "I'd like a one-word answer, please."

  "I don't know whether the feasibility of a simple reply…" Gubbeen began.

  "Yes or no?"

  "Well," Ardrahan ventured, "er… yes?"

  "No," I stated firmly.

  "No?" The Wuhses all stared at me. I crossed my arms.

  "That's right. No. We're the experts you called in. We will take all of your advice, but we have to run this operation our way. If you could have ejected the Pervect Ten on your own, you'd have done it by now, wouldn't you?" I looked around at my audience. They were fumbling for a reply.

  Ardrahan cleared her throat. "Well, they know lots of magik, and we don't; we don't have the strength to reassert our interests."

  "But you have the knowledge of how to deal with very magikal opponents?" I asked, pointedly.

  Cashel pursed his lips. "We might have, if they weren't also extremely knowledgable about technology, too. Between the two…"

  I cut him off. A rooster had just crowed outside. "So what you're saying," I began, holding up my hands to forestall any more interruptions, "is that you don't know how to handle them."

  "Uh… well, not at present…"

  "Good," I beamed. "Then you can leave the job to us. All right?"

  "You'll, uh, let us know how you progress, won't you?" Gubbeen asked, very timidly.

  "Of course," I smiled. "I'm not against consultation, but you have to understand I'm under no obligation to use your advice. With that in mind, then I think we have a deal."

  "Well said, Master Skeeve," Zol applauded. "Well said."

  To give them credit, the Wuhses looked relieved, especially Wensley.

  "I think we all understand one another very well," Bunny said, favoring the big Wuhs with her sexiest blue-eyed glance. "Perhaps," she purred, taking her cue from the traditional Wuh form of circumlocution, "we should depart from this subject? Master Skeeve has a long day ahead of him tomorrow. Why don't we let him and my other associates go to bed? But I would like to talk to you all for a little while longer."

  "It would be our very dearest wish," Gubbeen exclaimed.

  "Good!" Bunny grinned, showing all her teeth and folding her hands on the table. "Now, about the matter of payment…"

  Gubbeen and the others shuddered. Suppressing smirks, Tananda, Zol, Gleep and I followed Montgomery towards the stairs to the sleeping rooms.

  Chapter Seven

  "Have I got a product for you!"

  PROF. H. HILL

  "Sorry I'm late," Niki apologized, closing the door behind her. "I had to check the assembly lines in Factory #5. The cutting machines jammed, and the damned sheep didn't know how to fix it."

  "We just started," Vergetta replied. She and a handful of the others stood at a big table as Monishone demonstrated the features of her invention. Caitlin, as usual, sat at her computer keyboard, uninterested in the proceedings. Charilor hovered beside Vergetta, ready to run errands if the older female needed her to. "Come here a minute, darlink. Tell me, are they behaving themselves today?"

  Niki grinned, showing every one of her pointed fangs. "They don't dare not to. But they gripe on and on in that mealymouthed whine so much that I want to tear their heads off."

  "Never do they understand this is all for their own good," Vergetta sighed. "All right, Monishone, honey. So, tell it to me like Paldine's going to put it in the sales brochure."

  Monishone tucked her hands into her long sleeves. "You put on the goggles, you become part of the story that you see. You can change the whole plot inside the setting just by using a tiny spark of magik to activate commands that will be visible on a scroll at the side of the illumination. As you've seen, it is a very realistic illusion, but it is no more than that: an illusion."

  "Very nice," Vergetta said. She remembered how vivid the image had been, and how enjoyable it had been to plunge into it knowing she could depart from it just by taking off the glasses, not having to cast a dimension hopping spell. "But how about the variations?"

  "No problem. The stories I've already bespelled are traditional fairy tales, or archetypal tropes. For a nominal investment we can hire bards and poets to tell new stories into the master spell, which will translate their words into pictures, characters, even scenarios. We can support this product almost endlessly. To change the stories it holds, one only has to take it for recharging to a qualified wizard who will get our new scrolls on a regular basis. The fee per tale ought to be nominal."

  "It'll keep the punters busy for ages," Paldine gloated, making notes on a scrap of parchment. "This is perfect for, Scamaroni. Their society is advanced enough so the inhabitants can understand the difference between fact and fiction, and wealthy enough so at least half the population has disposable income that can be used for hobbies."

  "There's more," Monishone continued with a little smile that showed the tips of her fangs. "The spectacle can be shared. One can unite with others in a group quest, and take any or all parts of a drama. If one would prefer to be the banshee on the battlements instead of the heroine rescuing the hero, then one can. You can be the hero, the villain, a minor character, or just an onlooker."

  "I like it," Oshleen declared. She was dressed for the day in tailored military camouflage with a black beret and boo
ts and a white scarf tucked jabot style into the neck of her jacket. She swept a riding crop down and tapped the side of the goggles on the table. "Is that what the many pointed star is for? A sigil to join the wearers together?"

  "Yes." Monishone demonstrated. "Just touch the star, then bring your finger to the star on the next pair of goggles. Anyone you touch becomes part of the group. Of course it means all of you have to have that story in your pair…"

  "More recharging fees," Tenobia crooned, licking her fangs, "and no significant outlay except for royalties to the bards. We can make a fortune. They'll forget about every other personal entertainment device they've ever had! Hundreds of dimensions will be clamoring to get their hands on this!"

  Paldine shook her head. "You'd be surprised. Of all the dimensions that support magik, only a few fall into the right niche. Many are too advanced for a toy like this, but many more aren't at the level to buy this or use it. I'd say thirty or forty at most."

  "That would be plenty," Oshleen emphasized. She smacked her riding crop down on the desk.

  "It's more likely to be ten or twelve… why are you dressed like that?"

  Oshleen polished one of her brass buttons on the front of her jacket. "It puts me in the mood for strategy," she explained.

  "Bah," Paldine snorted. "Like you know from strategy."

  "Listen, fishface, you think that a winning smile will cause people to pour gold down on you…"

  "Enough!" Vergetta roared. "Back on topic, please, darlinks. We can't talk among ourselves without arguing?" She paused and blinked. "Dammit, I sound like those wretched Wuhses."

  "What will it take to manufacture these glasses?" Nedira wanted to know.

  "I've made several dozen pairs on my own," Monishone informed her. She snapped her fingers and a box floated into the room and set itself down in the center. "If the test marketing works out, we'll have the Wuhses make the rest."

  "A better use for those factories than tea towels and bobble hats," Loorna said.

  "What'll we do to keep them from walking away with a big handful of product?" Tenobia asked, sourly. "These are potentially a lot more valuable than tea towels."

  "We'll put a whammy on the section working on it," Niki suggested. "They'll leave any conscious memory of the goggles inside. But the glasses won't be operational. They haven't got the talent to enchant them."

  "It will take enchantment on our part to set the spell. It's quite simple, but does take a lot of power. We don't have to worry about anyone jumping in and duplicating these," Monishone grinned ferally. "No one can do what we do."

  "All right, then," Vergetta stated. "Places, girls. Caitlin, get away from that thing. You'd think it was attached to you at the fingertips."

  Reluctantly, the smallest female jumped down from her console and came to take her place with the rest of the Per-vect Ten standing around the table. They joined hands.

  "Shouldn't we lock the door?" Nedira asked.

  "Why?" Charilor asked with a smirk. "No Wuhs would ever come in here unless we invited them. Besides, they'd be incinerated if they walked through our security spell."

  "Reach for the line of force," Monishone instructed them. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back. "Draw all the power inside the circle."

  "For these?" Niki scoffed. "We don't need all of it."

  One hot yellow eye opened and glared at her. "It's a comprehensive spell, you mechanical imbecile! It depends on forming an atmosphere of power. We have to place all of the component spells in a cascade, and the structure can't exist outside of the circle!"

  "How'd you do it, then?"

  Monishone glared at her. "One pair of goggles at a time!"

  "Oh," Niki yawned. She rolled her eyes. "All right."

  "Shut up, then. Bring in all the power."

  The major force lines that ran through Pareley didn't go underneath the castle, something that had proved to Vergetta that the Wuhses didn't know a damned thing about magik, which was all right, since they had little aptitude for it, anyhow. The closest one, a weak arrow, lay on the other side of the moat. A much stronger sky line, lying at perpendicular angles to the first was just a little farther away. In their minds they glowed soft green and bright yellow. Slowly, but with gathering intensity, the circle bounded by their arms and bodies filled with light. Their shadows, knife edged, crept up the walls until ten black shadows loomed over them like giants watching from the sidelines.

  It had been by accident a few years ago that they had learned they could unite their talents. It happened in the middle of an end-of -year bargain sale, when all of them had been trying to get the only bronze alembic left in a bin. Vergetta had first tried to use main strength to toss her rivals out of the way. They hung on. Then, she started using magik, first subtly, then with all of her powers, dragging everything she could out of the local line of power. So had the other nine females all reaching for the same thing. To Vergetta's surprise, they all seemed to be evenly matched, from the muscular young woman at her side to the minute tot across the circle. But Vergetta had been determined not to let go of the alembic—it was 70 percent off! She pushed, they pushed; she pulled, they pulled. When the dust settled, they were all sitting on the floor, or what was left of it. The store walls had been blown down. All the other customers had been thrown hundreds of yards away in every direction, and the merchandise had exploded into its component ions, except for the alembic, which sat in the center of the circle shining like an atomic pile. There was nothing left for Vergetta to do but figure out a way to kill them all, or form an alliance to make use of the hundredfold magikal force the ten of them could raise. Being Pervects, they'd gone into business together. Even so, there were times when she still thought about killing all of the others.

  "This is so camp," Caitlin whined.

  "Shut up, gearhead," Tenobia snapped.

  "Right," Monishone declared. At her nod the box opened and the goggles danced out into the air. The frames were blue or red or silver, and the lenses glimmered with all the colors of the rainbow. "The frames control the spell, and the lenses are like magik mirrors. With our combined will we can do all of them at once."

  Like veils of color, the individual spells poured out of Monishone's fingertips. Each of them grabbed hold of an edge of each veil and stretched it out so that it covered all the hovering pairs of spectacles. The first, gleaming silver, was the master enchantment that held all the others together. Vergetta was impressed at the complexity of the structure Monishone put together. The girl was a master wizard. She was a credit to her parents, Perv, and the Ten. It troubled her a little that they were putting so much masterwork into trinkets, but it took a lot of pebbles to make a mountain. They needed the money. Some day they were going to sponsor her to research some wizardry that was really worthwhile.

  Tiny threads of color began to embroider scrolls and books on the stuff of the spell: the stories going into the framework. Sparkles of gold energy twinkled in the light, sinking into the frames and making them glow.

  "Ash-shoo!" Caitlin exploded, and started to pull her hand loose to wipe her nose.

  "Don't let down the barriers!" Monishone warned.

  "Here, sweetie," Nedira offered, floating a handkerchief out of her pocket and sending it across the circle to the little girl. Caitlin obediently put her face forward and blew her nose resoundingly in the white square.

  "Ugh," Loorna grunted with a grimace. "Don't let that get into the spell."

  Caitlin crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue at the acquisitions manager.

  "More power!" Monishone cried.

  Chapter Eight

  "It looks like a trap!"

  —F. BUCK

  "What happened?" Tananda whispered, gripping my collar. I clawed at the air, trying to get back on the ceiling with her.

  "I don't know," I whispered back. I glanced down. It was a good thirty foot drop to the floor, and my magik had deserted me. I felt desperately for the lines of force I'd just been using, but they
were drained. What spell needed that kind of power expenditure? I began to believe in the Wuhses' tale of the Pervect's quest for interdimensional conquest.

  Tananda, maintaining her hold on the ceiling with an Assassin's trick that didn't rely upon lines of force, crept backwards, swinging me by my collar, until I was over the fireplace at one end of the big, dark room. Gently, she stretched down until my feet touched the mantelpiece. I heard a tiny "clink." I froze, hoping the Pervects in the room ahead hadn't heard it. Ten of them! I wasn't a coward, but I started to realize what a huge mess I had gotten myself and my friends into. If they opened the door just then...

  "There's a row of knicknacks on either side of you" Tananda murmered, climbing down the wall like a spider.

  I put my back against the big mirror and waited until she was on the floor again. I felt like a complete idiot. I might as well have been a knicknack myself. What a lesson to learn! The Great Skeeve, trapped like a fly in amber.

  A tiny glow from her dark-lantern lit up the lines of her face, highlighting her cheekbones, nose and eyelashes. "Lift your left leg up to your knee, then swing it over. Stop! Put it down. Now bring up the right...

  Slowly, painfully, I inched my way through priceless tchotchkes until I had reached the side of the fireplace. Tananda held the lantern down to show me the heap of cushions she had piled up for me to jump onto. I had not felt so helpless in years. There had always been some kind of magik wherever we had gone. I wasn't used to relying on my own skills any more. I vowed that when I got back to the inn I was going to learn how to climb walls again, Garkin had talked me out of being a thief (not that I had been that good at it), but some of the skill set I had let go dormant would have come in very handy right now. I wasn't used to being self-reliant. It was even tougher to realize that I didn't even know what that meant. It had been Tananda who had gotten us past the sophisticated alarm system in the hallway, Tananda who had guided me along the ceiling as I levitated so we wouldn't trip any of the pressure plates in the floor or the walls. ("Devious" she had murmured to herself.) True, I had blunted the lines of hot red light that crisscrossed the final five feet of the corridor, but it had taken her to remind me to look with my inner eye for such traps. Someone who knew what she was doing had devised the security system. The Pervect Ten were taking no chances on being interrupted.