Myth Alliances

by Robert Asprin

  Senior Domari picked up his stack of papers and began to straighten them again. Vergetta knew she shouldn't harass him any more. The poor boy was at the end of his patience, but so was she. She had too many questions, and no one knew the answers. Who were the two Pervects that had been spotted running away last night? Niki and Caitlin wouldn't have run away if you'd shoved a basilisk in their faces. She hoped they hadn't tried a stupid rescue. Their job was to stay on Wuh and keep the stupid sheep from bankrupting all of them in her absence. But who was responsible for landing them in jail in the first place? Who was out to destroy their reputation? Who had come in, unprovoked, and messed up their deal so their harmless little toy was considered to be the most dangerous thing since the do-it-yourself landmine kit?

  The most puzzling thing was how a Klahd had gotten a hold of a pair of their goggles. It had turned up in the cell that had been vacated by the only real jailbreak. Monishone assured her that no units had ever gone to Deva or Klah. Paldine had been convinced at first that someone had created a knockoff and was planning to steal their market, but this pair was one of theirs.

  "I must ask you again, er, ladies, which two of you led the patrol on a merry chase all over town early this morning, and then broke into the jail again. And why?"

  None of them knew the answer to that question, but the Ten would be damned if they would let an outsider know they didn't know.

  "Just a demonstration, your honor," Vergetta offered, a broad grin breaking out over her face.

  "A demonstration?" Domari echoed.

  "Of course! We're demons, right? So… never mind," she averted the subject hastily, when the judge showed no signs of getting the joke.

  The others glanced at her, but she gave them a hasty wave as if to say, Leave the talking to me, girls. We can use this.

  "Look, your little prison might hold Scammies, and it ought to hold scam-mers, if you understand what I'm saying, but I'd like to point out that you couldn't keep a Klahd wizard behind bars for even one night, and believe me when I tell you darlink, that after another night or so those walls aren't going to hold us any longer. And look at the evidence: we can come and go as we please. So why don't you just let us leave? I promise you from the bottom of my heart, that when we go you will never see any of us again. Ever."

  The judge looked genuinely tempted. Vergetta could tell that she was beginning to get through to him. She hoped so; it had been an exhausting time, staying up all night bashing at the walls. She wasn't as young as she used to be. It was one thing for young Charilor, who went out partying for a week, then could come home fresh as a daisy and beat up a neighboring army, but for the older folks it was tougher. She hoped the judge's resolve wasn't as durable.

  Domari cleared his throat. "It's… just not that simple, madam. There's the matter of the psychological harm that you may have caused to the population. When you have an expert of the magnitude of Zol Icty himself condemning your device, it becomes quite a serious situation. So many of our fine people have required virtual deprogramming to return to their normal lives…"

  "Psychobabble!" Oshleen protested.

  "Psycho-what?"

  The slender Pervect rose to her feet, giving a raised eyebrow to Vergetta. The elder female handed off the talking stick without protest. Oshleen had obviously come up with a good wrinkle on her own.

  "It's nonsense. It's clear that he has no faith at all in your citizenry. In their mental resilience. I mean, look at the wonderful device—you admitted that you tried it and enjoyed it yourself. How could we, as honest merchants, have believed you could not tell the difference between fantasy and reality? You're smarter than that," she added, in her most persuasive voice. Oshleen undulated forward, as far as her chains would let her. "He's the one you ought to arrest."

  "I… I can't do that." But Oshleen had gotten him so confused that he didn't know what to think. "What surety will you give to remain away from Scamaroni forever? Besides refunding the money to our honest citizens for the goggles."

  "Refunding the money… ?" All of them gasped at once.

  The judge looked at them impassively. "Unless you wish to remain in our slowly deteriorating jail for the duration of your potential sentences. And after the last few days, I am inclined to hand out maximum sentences. I will allow you to confer."

  He smacked his gavel on the desk, and retired from the courtroom.

  The Pervects put their heads together. "We can't do that," Loorna hissed to the others. "It'll eat up all of our remaining resources."

  "Which would you rather have, our resources or our liberty?" Charilor countered, then stopped herself with a grimace. "What am I saying? Never mind… but we weren't the ones who were running around town last night! We can't come and go as we please. They just think we can."

  "We can recoup our losses in some other dimension," Monishone argued. "We'll take the intact pairs elsewhere."

  "There aren't that many intact pairs," Paldine retorted. "There's no chance of getting our investment out, not when Zol Icty himself has condemned the goggles. The word will spread faster than a dance craze. We're stuck. There are very few dimensions where a toy like that will pass the marketing research test."

  Vergetta set her face grimly. "We have no choice. Someone has left us with only one option, and if I ever get my hands on that someone, I have a use for all those broken sets of goggles, bubbies, and I don't mean making a mosaic."

  Paldine sighed. "I'll handle the negotiations."

  It took longer than a day for Zol to finish his encounter session. Bunny, Tananda and I sat at his feet throughout the process. By the time his audience finally cleared the meadow beside the river I had a new respect for my hired expert.

  He managed to prove to me that you can sell a million books by convincing people that there was something wrong with them, and that they can only solve the problem by reading the book. When Zol spoke in that calming manner of his, he made it sound as though the problem was minor, and they could fix it themselves by following the guidelines that he laid out. He put the most positive possible spin on their struggle, promising them that even if they didn't see quick results that they were still on the right path. No wonder he was famous throughout all the dimensions. There wasn't a thinking being alive who deep down didn't feel fundamentally flawed. Zol tapped into that feeling, but he persuaded them that it was okay.

  On the other hand, he was genuinely good at picking up the traits that a race largely shared. He told the Scammies that they were too gullible for their own good, falling for the most convincing story or the newest toy. But then he sold them copies of his latest book.

  What bothered me was that he didn't see anything remotely hypocritical about that. I honestly think he did believe in his own advice, and a practical way always to have it on hand was to own the book. I wondered what he would say was wrong with Kobolds.

  The final book was at long last signed. We were left in a meadow of trampled grass. Zol drained his teacup and set it daintily on the saucer.

  "Thank you," he told the proprietor of the cafe. "It was good of you to lend us your establishment for such an extended session. I hope we didn't inconvenience you too greatly."

  The restaurateur, looking exhausted but still dazzled, pumped his hand. "It's been an honor, sir. An honor! Zol Icty, in my cafe!"

  He shook hands with all of us. I noticed that his staff of three were sprawled in chairs against the wall. No pastries or sandwiches remained under the glass domes, and the huge containers of the local lemonade, tea, coffee and milkshakes had long ago been emptied. They hadn't lost a thing by having a famous author descend upon them for an impromptu shrink-fest.

  Zol paid his own tea bill, over the protest of the cafe owner, and blipped us all back to Wuh.

  The bamf of our return brought Gleep running from the stables, where he must have been taking a nap. "Gleep!" he cried joyfully.

  I managed to fend him off before he knocked me over. Zol petted him and produced a few bags of Kobold sn
acks out of his satchel for him. Gleep settled down on the floor to crunch up the shiny packets.

  I looked around. Montgomery's inn seemed to be completely vacant. Not one of the tables underneath the ferns was occupied. The lights behind the bar had been extinguished. I glanced out into the street. It was devoid of Wuhses.

  "Hello?" I called.

  Tananda frowned. "Is something wrong?"

  "Where is everyone?" Bunny said.

  Gleep's pointed ears perked up. In a moment, I heard the noise that his more sensitive hearing had detected: the sound of footsteps rushing towards us. Down the stairs came Montgomery, the innkeeper. He rushed towards us with arms extended.

  "I am overjoyed to see you!" he exclaimed, embracing us all one at a time. "Welcome back, Master Zol," he greeted the author shyly. "We are very glad that you are safe."

  "You are very kind," Zol beamed. "It was a productive trip, I must say. So many minds cleared! And how have things been here?"

  "Exciting, if I may use so bold a term," Montgomery hesitated, glancing at us for permission.

  "Okay by me. Where's Wensley?" I asked.

  "Oh, we didn't know when you were coming back, good Masters and Mistresses, or they would have waited for you."

  "Waited for us for what?" I inquired curiously.

  Montgomery's fat cheeks shone with emotion. "The revolution, Master Skeeve!"

  'The what?"

  "Wensley was so very impressed, sir, as were we all, at the way you went to save people in a dimension that you didn't even know, and how you went back again at the risk of your own safety to save Master Zol—just like that!— when you saw that he was in trouble. Well, I have to say that we were ashamed. Wensley called a mass secret meeting, sir, and spoke as how we ought to take more of a hand in our own defense. He was very strong on the subject of non-cooperation. Now that only two Perverts are still in the castle he thought that it was time we take action, sir! And so many people agreed with him! I agreed with him, but he pointed out that I had to wait for you…"

  "Action?" I interrupted him. "What kind of action?"

  Montgomery drew himself up proudly. "Wensley says it behooves us to make an attempt to wrest the leadership of our people out of their claws, er, hands."

  "He's been fomenting a revolution?" Zol asked.

  "Well… yes."

  "Good for you!" Zol exclaimed.

  "WAIT A MOMENT!" I shouted. "Just exactly what kind of action does Wensley have in mind?"

  "Why, they're going to go in there, and throw out those two Perverts," Montgomery explained, as if surprised that I didn't understand. "Should be easy as pie, now that there's only two of them."

  My tongue went dry, and I realized that my mouth was hanging open. "Where are they?" I demanded.

  Montgomery peered at the timepiece on the mantel. "Oh, I suppose they'd be up at the castle about now."

  "No! They'll be killed!" Bunny gasped.

  "But there's only two of them, against thousands of us," Montgomery replied, hurt.

  "That's like saying there's only two tornadoes," I retorted. "We've got to go stop them."

  We gathered up Gleep and raced toward the castle, leaving our puzzled host behind us. As soon as we were out of the door I took to the air. Flying is controlled levitation, pushing against solid objects with my mind to move me along. I lifted Bunny and carried her along with me. Zol and Tananda took to the air under their own power. Gleep dashed ahead. We had no time to waste.

  "Perhaps we should have taken Wensley with us to Scamaroni," Zol mused, as we flew. "We could have advised him on the sensibility of confronting Pervects directly."

  "I wanted to take him," I pointed out with some asperity, "but you persuaded me not to."

  "Heavens, you are right," Zol replied, surprised. "This is all my fault. Wuhses are such followers normally. I underestimated him. He adapted to a positive example much more strongly than I thought he would. And he was behaving in such a threatened fashion that I feared it would do him more harm to be thrust into a new situation. I did not take into account the effect new stimuli might have on him when he was left behind in a venue he considered to be safe. You are a catalyst, Master Skeeve. You're making a leader out of him. He has gathered followers of his own."

  "And now he's leading them into a bloodbath," I growled.

  "But the threat is limited," Zol pointed out, as Gleep rebounded off the corner of a candy shop to turn into the main street.

  My mind more on what I might find ahead than what I was doing, I narrowly missed the edge of the same building.

  "It is possible for a group of that size to overpower a pair of Pervects. It is not as though they were at their full strength." Zol insisted.

  "But they don't know what they're doing," Tananda reminded him, grimly. "I don't think even Wensley has a real plan."

  "Then we must persuade them to retreat and reconsider their actions!"

  "We have to get them out of there before they get hurt," I declared.

  We rounded the last corner until we could at last see the castle. As Montgomery had predicted, thousands of Wuhses were marching through the unguarded gate. Some carried flaming torches. They were all shouting.

  "Baaa-aaad Pervects! Baaa-aaad Pervects! Go home! Go home! Go home!"

  A green face with bat-wing ears appeared in the window of the Pervect Ten's headquarters. A shower of rocks came flying up from the crowd and spattered against the castle wall. The face withdrew hastily. I thought I saw Wuhses in the room behind her.

  Suddenly, I felt as though someone had yanked my stomach and dragged it down through my toes. I fell heavily to the ground. Bunny dropped on top of me.

  "Skeeve!" she squealed.

  "I didn't do it," I protested. "The magik is gone!"

  A great disturbance was brewing in the energy lines above and beneath me, draining them of power. I had felt this sensation before, but I didn't want to believe that it could possibly be what it was: the Pervect Ten pooling their strength, drawing on an incredibly deep well of magik.

  There was a huge flash of light. When it cleared, the thousands of Wuhses marching and chanting in the courtyard had vanished without a trace. The street was silent.

  I groaned, overwhelmed with grief at the tragic and unnecessary loss of life.

  'They're back."

  Chapter Nineteen

  "You say you want a revolution?"

  N. LENIN

  "That's it!" Vergetta howled, dropping the hands of the two Pervects on either side of her. "I can't stand it any longer! I did not need this on top of just getting out of jail. Everyone's grounded. No exceptions!"

  "What the hell brought that on?" Niki wondered, taking a quick glance out of the window. The spell had worked. The street was empty of life.

  "You're the ones who let the place go to hell while we were gone," Paldine accused her. "Why don't you tell us."

  Niki gawked at her. "We let it go to hell? Did it really take all eight of you to find out that you'd laid an egg in that other dimension? A few of you could have stayed here and helped keep order. But no-o-ooo. You left two of us—two of us—having to play hall monitor for an entire country, and now look what we had to do!"

  "Those intruders must have been watching us," Tenobia grunted. "Look how they knew to come in with us to avoid being toasted by the barrier spell. They've been planning this for a while."

  Loorna kicked a pile of papers that had been cast to the floor by the invaders. "This place is a mess! It doesn't look like they have dusted in here in days."

  "Well, sure," Niki snarled defensively, "I could have been cleaning up in here, if I didn't have to oversee the distribution of merchandise in the morning, monitor factory operations all day, and still have time to work on special projects. That's why we have all those janitors!"

  "Did it ever occur to you you're complaining about the color of the dragon's nail polish just before the paw comes down and smashes your worthless carcass into a grease stain? Those janitors just
facilitated an attempted palace coup," Tenobia reminded them.

  "That's right, girls," Nedira soothed, trying to make peace. "We have bigger problems than dusty bookshelves."

  'This is totally lame," Caitlin snorted, sitting down at her computer and tapping in the data off the sheet Oshleen handed her. "I mean, you didn't make a single gold piece on the whole Scamaroni enterprise. You lost all of our investment!"

  "Give your elders more respect, dear," Nedira corrected her. "We were up against unfair opposition."

  "Yes, the Klahdish wizard," Vergetta grumbled. 'The one who really escaped."

  "Did anyone get his name?" Tenobia asked. Oshleen reached down into her cleavage and pulled out a sheaf of papers.

  "I always knew you stuffed. What's that?"

  "The court docket," the accountant replied, with a haughty stare. "They wouldn't let Paldine see it. We'll send it back when we're through with it."

  "I can't read this merde," Loorna sneered. "It's in Scammie."

  "Ugh," Oshleen groaned. "I knew we should have bribed the bailiff. He could have read it to us."

  Caitlin waved an imperious hand. "Give it to me. I'll run it through the translator." The smallest Pervect spread the papers out in front of her screen and typed in a command. The computer started humming. In a moment a huge rectangle projected itself upon the wall. "There."

  "Smee, Smee," Niki mused, running down the names that appeared in the document during the target dates. "There's a Glee here, a Skeeve, and a Paneer."

  "Cheesy," smirked Tenobia.

  "Save the cheap jokes. So, which one is our wizard?"

  "We heard of a Skeeve when we were on Deva," Vergetta offered. "But we heard he's retired. What would he be doing on Scamaroni?"

  "No idea," Loorna rejoined. "What the hell, we're out of there now. We'll just have to pick up where we left off, pay our suppliers and start over." Niki snorted. "What?"

  "You have no idea what's been going on since you left," the scientist growled.