by Carrie Carr
Camina didn't even look in Bianca's direction. Instead, she uttered something underneath her breath, and Bianca could not understand one word. While Camina filled her glass with ice, Bianca ogled her, all the while fishing her brain for some lewd comment to make to Camina, but nothing came to mind. Out of nowhere, Bruce entered the lunchroom, looking just as handsome as ever in his signature suspenders.
He approached Camina fast and breezed right past Bianca, not noticing her at all, probably for the sole purpose of not upsetting Camina.
Bruce stood before Camina, holding several documents in his hand. "You think you could work a couple of hours late this evening, help me with this distribution?" Bruce asked Camina.
"Actually, I'm supposed to meet a friend after work," Camina said while looking at her watch.
Not only was Bianca not able to resist the urge to help, but she also wanted a chance to move closer to the one and only Bruce Colby. With that thought in mind, she stood up, approached Camina and Bruce at the ice machine.
"Camina, if you have something to do, I can stay and help Bruce. I don't have any plans this evening."
Both Bruce and Camina eyed Bianca.
"Thanks, Bianca," Bruce said. "I would really appreciate that."
"No problem."
Bianca witnessed a sharp look of disapproval in Camina's eyes, and Camina soon sang a different tune fast.
"I'll do it," Camina said to Bruce.
"What about your engagement?" Bruce asked Camina.
"It'll just have to wait."
Camina's change of heart came as no surprise to Bianca. There was just no way Camina was going to allow Bianca the opportunity to work for her precious Bruce Colby.
Bruce was about to leave the lunchroom when he double backed over to Bianca. "Thanks anyway, Bianca."
"If you ever need anyone to work late, just give me a call," Bianca said to Bruce. "I'm usually here late anyway."
"I'll do that," he stated firmly.
Soon after Bruce disappeared from the lunchroom, Camina set her glass on the counter and stepped to Bianca. "What do you think you're doing?" Camina asked.
"I was trying to do you a favor."
"No you weren't."
Bianca returned to the table, sat down and continued to work on her document. All the while, Camina stood over her, not saying a word. After several seconds, Bianca looked up at her and said, "You're too sensitive. That's your problem."
"No, you're full of shit. That's the problem. I see what you're trying to do, and I don't like it."
"Well, I better mend my ways then, because Lord knows I live to please you."
"Don't mock me, I'm not Michelle. I'll hurt you, you little witch."
"Witch?" Bianca smiled, almost flattered. "Don't you mean bitch?"
"Bitch," Camina said sharply.
"Thank you," Bianca said.
It was harmony to Bianca's ears knowing she stirred such anger in Camina.
"You really think Bruce is interested in you?" Camina asked.
"Why wouldn't he be?"
"Did you forget he is married?"
"I didn't forget and neither did you?"
"Well, Bruce doesn't need your help. That is what he has me for."
In a huff, Camina shuffled out of the lunchroom, but before she made it through the door, Bianca called to her as she rushed towards her. "Camina."
Camina didn't turn around but she stopped in her tracks, giving Bianca just enough time to catch up with her. Bianca stood in front of her and ran her hands over her shoulder padded suit jacket. "You see, we have the same taste in clothes. And men."
Camina turned up her nose and stepped away. Bianca could not help but laugh to herself. Finally, she delivered to Camina a dose of her own tactics, and it felt great.
Monday afternoon, Bianca sat across from Dr. Kern, her legs crossed as she absorbed the emotionless expression on his face.
Why was he so quiet?
She stared across at his yellow starched shirt and an idea came to mind. To garner his attention and maybe even shake him up a bit, she would share with him her most recent encounter with Rod Bigg. That was certain to stir some emotion in him.
"So, doctor, last week I went to a bar, picked up a man and went home with him."
Just as Bianca predicted, Dr. Kern awakened from his comatose like state. He shifted positions in his recliner and brought the chair to an upright position. From the table next to him, he grabbed his note pad. "And then what happened?"
"Not much of anything. I told him he needed to learn to respect women and to be careful who he let come home with him."
"And how did he respond to that?"
"He didn't."
"What else happened?"
Bianca could tell where this line of questioning was headed, and she continued to play along. "I wrapped a belt around his neck, nice and tight."
Dr. Kern sat forward, seemingly, intrigued and shocked. "Why did you do that?"
"Why does anyone do anything? 'Cause it's exciting."
A brief silence fell over the room as Dr. Kern scribbled notes on his pad in front of him. "Where is he now?"
"Nothing happened, Dr. Kern. I didn't hurt him, if that's what you're worried about."
"I didn't think that you did."
"Yeah, but that's what you were thinking."
Ever since Bianca came into his office, she planned to share with him her reasons for making that afternoon her last visit, but she didn't quite know how to casually bring it up after having put it off for so long. Then, instantaneously, the words came to her and rolled off her tongue. "Dr. Kern, I don't want to sound uncaring, but I don't really need to meet with you anymore. I'm not depressed, and I've come to grips with my family's death and all that other sad shit."
"By taking on a new persona?"
"Whatever works."
"And this is working for you?"
Dr. Kern's resistance to her leaving was a real shocker. For several weeks, she sat with him, never completely sure if he was awake or not. And now for the first time, she got a glimpse of the emotion he kept hidden inside for so long. Somehow that afternoon she managed to rouse him twice, and she found it intriguing and welcoming. He was a real person after all.
"You know what I think?" Bianca sat forward. "I think this is the person who I was all along, and it was just hidden deep inside, and it took something as traumatic as my family's death to bring it out."
"You really believe that?" he asked her.
"I know it."
The doubtful expression on his face alarmed her as she stared at him, trying to figure out what he was thinking.
"What do you think?" she asked curiously.
"I think you're behaving this way to run away from what's really going on."
Bianca stood up and moved her purse strap upon her shoulder. "You're welcome to your opinion, Dr. Kern."
Bianca headed towards the door, her back to Dr. Kern.
"This is all about your sister, isn't it?" he asked her.
"Maybe," Bianca said without turning around. "My sister may have gone too far, but at least she knew how to have fun and how to live."
"I'm concerned about you, Bianca. This idea of yours could present repercussions that you haven't fully realized."
"No, it won't. I'm in complete control of my actions."
"How will you know when to stop?"
His words left a bug in her ear, and she didn't quite know how to answer, but she trusted her instincts. She trusted that when the time came she would know when to stop. When she stepped from Dr. Kern's office, she glanced at the name on the door: Kenneth Kern, Ph.D. and nostalgia crept its way inside her head. She remembered all the times he listened to her at a time when she really needed to be heard. And now their relationship had come to an end, and this time she would not be back.
On Bianca's way home, she kept thinking about her sister, Sandy. Over the last few days she had tried several times to reach her in the mirror, but it was useless. It
was strange not connecting with her because she seemed to always have a sense for when Bianca needed her the most. She couldn't help but think that maybe it stemmed from Bianca's new look and persona.
She hoped not, because Bianca liked her new look and new attitude and she refused to dispel it. As Bianca continued to think about it, she was convinced that Sandy had stayed away and would continue to stay away for as long as Bianca portrayed her sister's persona. She was now BeeBee, and she had no intentions of ever returning to the person she used to be.
Saturday afternoon, Bianca and Lee retired back to Bianca's apartment after spending most of the morning at the Lincoln Park Zoo. Bianca ordered pizza and rented a copy of Titanic. When the credits rolled on the television screen, Bianca sat perfectly still, her red and white polk a-dot pillow pressed against her chest. She wondered if she made the right decision in discontinuing her visits with Dr. Kern. His words of warning, along with everyone else's, weighed on her mind, and it troubled her.
Bianca removed Lee's Kangol cap and then ran her fingers through his hair. "I don't know why you wear that cap. You have such beautiful hair."
Lee smiled at her. "Are you sure you don't want to marry me?"
"Maybe one day," she answered him.
"You mean that?"
"Of course I mean it. I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."
"If I tell you something, will you promise not to take it the wrong way?"
"Lee, you know I can't promise that, but you can tell me anyway."
Lee hesitated for a moment, then said. "As pretty as your blonde hair is, I like your black hair much better."
"Really?" she questioned, then turned away.
"What's wrong?"
"It's just that I'm happy for once and everyone seems to want to take that from me."
"No one wants to take your happiness away from you, but you have to admit this change of yours was pretty drastic."
"You don't like it?"
"I'm not denying how well you look. You're a beautiful woman, always have been and always will be."
"But?" Bianca asked, knowing that he surely had more to say.
"It's the attitude."
A defensive streak came over Bianca, and she headed into the kitchen, grabbed the Chardonnay from the refrigerator and poured herself a drink. Lee was quick to join her at the kitchen table and just as Bianca raised the glass to her mouth, he asked, "Does that really help?"
She lowered the glass and set it on the counter. "Are you trying to say something?" she asked him.
"There's a chapter in the book I gave to you titled, Make Peace with Imperfection. Did you read it?"
"What difference does it make? And what does it have to do with anything?"
"Everything. You make this huge, impulsive change, and then you expect your life to be perfect, but life isn't like that."
Bianca opened her mouth, and was about to say something when Lee interrupted. "You think my life is perfect?" he questioned. "Do you?"
"I guess not."
"No. It's not perfect, and your life won't be either," Lee continued. "That's why your past relationships have been so short lived, because you're searching for perfection, and you're not going to find it."
"That's not true. I don't expect people to be perfect."
"Yes, you do."
"No, I don't."
"Yes. You do. That's why we aren't together, because I'm not perfect enough for you. I'm shorter than you are, and I used to be engaged to your sister."
Bianca opened her mouth, about to retort, but nothing came out. At that moment whatever words came from her lips would be an out and out lie.
"Do you deny it?" he asked.
Lee took her for a loop and she could not escape his shrewd words. And as much as she hated to admit it, he was absolutely right and she was ashamed. He read her like a book, and it shook her to the core.
How was he to know her reservations for becoming intimately involved with him?
Supposedly it was a secret that somehow made its way out, and she was clothed in embarrassment. Speechless, she sat there, watching Lee watch her.
"The truth hurts, doesn't it?" he said to her.
What was she going to say now?
"I'm sorry, Lee."
"You don't have to apologize. I just want you to be aware of it."
It was hard to believe that someone as young as Lee could speak with so much wisdom. Though so much of what he said was correct, it didn't change things.
"I don't want you to think I don't appreciate your concern," she said. "Because I do. I really do, but I'm nobody's angel, and I can't go back to the person I used to be."
With Bianca caught up with her work and her boss in meetings most of the day, not much was happening, and she saw no reason to stick around any longer. She studied herself in her compact mirror and applied two even coats of her glossy lipstick. She then headed towards the walk-in coat closet. As she passed Camina's desk, she could not bypass an opportunity to torment her. Though they rarely spoke to one another, they constantly ran into each other in passing and never shared so much as a glance.
Camina was sitting at her desk, very busy at her computer when Bianca approached and stood over Camina's desk and stared down at the top of Camina's head. Camina was so good at vanishing whenever they shared words but this time Camina would have nowhere to run. She would be forced to acknowledge Bianca's presence and listen to the banter from Bianca's mouth that Bianca so loved to dish out.
Patiently, Bianca pushed her hair behind her left ear and waited for Camina to look up from her computer screen.
Only a few awkward moments elapsed before Camina finally lifted her head. "What do you want?"
"That's not a very nice way to greet someone," Bianca said to her.
"Who said anything about greeting you?"
"I just wanted to tell you that I saw Bruce in the elevator this afternoon, and he was looking pretty hot."
Camina didn't respond. Instead, she rolled her eyes and returned her attention to the computer screen in front of her.
Bianca continued to stand there, hoping Camina would snap or do something, but nothing. Obviously, Camina wasn't going to match wits with her that afternoon.
"I just thought you should know," Bianca said, before she made an elegant exit down the hall.
Bianca left work early. She was full of energy and not quite ready to retire to her apartment just yet. She quickly remembered something that she was always in the mood for─shopping. Right away, she headed for Macy's on State Street. Never before did she make such a big fuss about her attire, but she saw things so differently now. She wanted to look good all the time because when she looked good, she felt good.
At the perfume counter, she sampled her late sister's favorite perfume: Cool Water Woman. She sprayed it lightly against her wrist and enjoyed the tropical scent. Though she wasn't much of a perfume person, things were changing for her so rapidly, and she found herself evolving more into her sister every day.
As she made her way to the jewelry counter, a pair of looped silver earrings caught her eye. She held them up to her earlobe while she studied herself in the mirror, admiring how exquisitely they complemented her straight blonde hair.
The price for these darling gems was $60, and only twenty dollars remained in her wallet. Both of her credit cards were maxed out, and her checkbook was at home, but she needed to have those earrings. They would look perfect with her new silk dress, but unfortunately, she was short of cash. Suddenly it hit her. She would simply walk away with them. They were overpriced anyway. She remembered how her sister used to shoplift all the time, many times just to see if she could pull it off. Bianca was engulfed with a daring spirit, and she decided she was going to do it. It was something that she never did before, and the idea excited her. She shifted her eyes around the store to see if anyone was watching. It seemed safe enough, especially since the two sales girls behind the counter were busy assisting other customers.
Very
slowly, she extracted her tiny earrings she was wearing from her earlobes and slid them into her pocket. She then inserted the loop earrings into her ears and stuffed the packaging down her coat sleeve. Casually, she stepped away from the counter and headed for the State Street exit. She was just about to go through the revolving doors when two security guards approached her, one on each side. On her right, the security guard gently tugged her arm and stopped her. "Excuse me, Miss, we'd like for you to come with us."
She was not the least bit frightened and knew exactly what to do. She would play the dumb-dumb game. "Why? What's wrong?"
"Will you just come with us, please?" he stated.
The security guards and Bianca escaped through the cluster of people, and all Bianca could do was absorb the attention she drew. Down the escalators, they escorted her to the basement as shoppers ogled and teetered. To her surprise, Macy's did, indeed, press charges against her, and she was soon picked up, arrested and en route to the police station south on State Street. Though she maintained a callous exterior, a different feeling was brewing inside her as she found her ride in the back seat of the police car to be a novel experience. Even after they handcuffed her, the entire experience still proved well worth it and more exciting than she anticipated. She was just so proud of herself for having the guts to do something so daring and out of character for her. It wasn't about successfully getting away with it. It was about the joy of the excursion. This was something that had never happened to her before. When she said she wanted excitement and adventure, she was not kidding.
Luckily for Bianca, the sergeant in charge allowed her to sit with him at his desk, while she waited for Lee to post her bail. In no hurry to leave, patiently, Bianca waited as she observed the ins and outs of what goes on in a police station. Instead of being concerned with tainting her flawless record, she was overcome with a bizarre urge to write a story about a woman awaiting bail who takes the entire police department hostage. Though she was no writer, never wanted to be, never planned to be and never would be, she wanted to tell that story. And as bizarre as it appeared even to her, she saw herself as that woman who could pull off such a mischievous act.
