Dinner at the St. James

by Sandra Robbins

  He raked his hand through his hair and groaned. “I do have feelings for you, but I’m not going to take advantage of you and give you false hope.”

  “False hope about what?”

  “That anything’s ever going to come of it. I’m not the man for you, Tave.”

  She straightened to her full height. “Don’t I get to decide that on my own?”

  He shook his head. “No. I’m going to decide it for you. I’m a drifter with no money or family. I want you to understand I have nothing to give you.”

  She stared at him. “Can you give me love?”

  His eyes grew wide. “Wh–what?”

  She squared her shoulders and clenched her fists at her sides. “Savannah told me she could tell that you’re in love with me. As embarrassing as it is for me to ask, I have to know. Do you love me?”

  He hesitated for a moment, and she held her breath. His shoulders drooped as if his whole body had deflated. “Yes, I love you. More than I ever thought it possible to love someone else.”

  Her heart pounded, and she frowned. “Then what’s the problem? I’ve fought my feelings for you, but I can’t anymore.” She stepped closer. “I love you, too, Daniel.”

  He held up his hands as if to warn her to stay back. “No, I won’t saddle you with a man who can’t give you everything that Matthew can.”

  “Matthew? What does he have to do with this? I don’t love him. I love you.”

  He reached out and grabbed her by the shoulders. “It doesn’t matter. I won’t keep you from the life you deserve.” He released her with such force that she stumbled back. “I have to leave.”

  Icy fear gripped her. “Leave?”

  “Yes. When I’m gone, you’ll know I was right.”

  Tave watched in disbelief as he headed toward the road. She ran after him and grabbed his arm. “Where are you going?”

  He shook free of her. “I’m going back to your father’s office right now. I think it would be better if we stayed away from each other until it’s time for me to leave Willow Bend. I told Mr. Perkins I’d be at work tomorrow, and I won’t go back on my word. I’ll help him a few weeks; then I’m going to pack my belongings, get on my new horse, and go on to Montgomery.”

  “Please don’t do this to me, Daniel.”

  He turned back to her, and Tave’s heart broke at the agony in his face. “I’m doing it for you, Tave, not to you. From the very beginning, I’ve been honest with you. I can’t stay anywhere very long before I get the urge to move on again. Sooner or later, I’d leave you, too. Matthew is here to stay, Tave. I’m not. You’ll see that I was right.”

  It was no use. Nothing she could say would change his mind. She nodded. “All right. Run away, Daniel. That’s what you always do. But before you go, there’s something I want to say.”

  “What?”

  She took a deep breath and prayed she’d speak the right words. “Matthew’s not the problem. I think you’re just using him as an excuse.”

  He shook his head. “I only want the best for you.”

  Anger welled up in Tave’s heart, and it frightened her. She jutted out her chin and stepped closer to him. She hoped her eyes conveyed the fire she felt in her soul. “The problem is that you’re a man who’s given his life over to hate for so long that you don’t know how to open up to love. You think the answer to your problem is to give up and run from the hate that’s gnawed at your heart for the past seven years, but it hasn’t worked because you just carry it with you to the next place. Maybe one day you’ll finally see that you’re never going to have any peace or be able to return anyone’s love until you let God’s love replace all the hate that’s killing you.”

  Tave couldn’t control the tears that puddled in her eyes any longer, and she whirled away from him before he saw them running down her face. She didn’t look back as she walked toward the picnic grounds. Laughter echoed from the people who’d been her friends for years. She spied Savannah talking with some women, but she didn’t want to see her now. There was only one place she wanted to be.

  She stepped onto the porch of the church and went inside.

  ❧

  Two weeks later on a hot July morning Tave sat in the shade of a tree in the backyard of their house. A pan of tomatoes sat at her feet, and she tapped the metal pot with the toe of her shoe. She’d picked the tomatoes from her garden and planned on canning them, but for some reason, she was restless today. Maybe it was because she hadn’t spoken to Daniel since the day of the picnic.

  He didn’t come to meals at their house anymore, and she stayed away from her father’s office and Mr. Perkins’s store. When her father mentioned Daniel, she changed the subject.

  She thought about how few people she’d seen lately. Savannah had come by once or twice, but Tave couldn’t bring herself to discuss her heartbreak with her friend, who had such a wonderful husband and family. This was a burden she was going to have to bear alone. She hadn’t even been able to share it with her father. Tave could see the concern in his eyes, and he kept asking her what was troubling her. She kept hoping Daniel would come to see her, but so far, he hadn’t.

  She sighed and bent to pick up the tomatoes. A familiar voice rang out. “Hello. Anybody home?”

  Martha Thompson. Tave didn’t know if she was up to a visit from the woman today, but she pushed to her feet. “I’m out back, Martha.”

  Martha shuffled around the side of the house and directed a grin in Tave’s direction. “There you are. I was afraid you was sick. I ain’t seen you around much lately. Anything wrong?”

  Tave shook her head and pointed to the tomatoes. “No. I’ve just been busy with my garden.”

  Martha slapped her leg and laughed. “Landsakes! Don’t I know about gardens. Me and Esther have ’bout worked ourselves to death with ours. It takes a heap of food when a family’s got five children.”

  Tave nodded. “I can imagine it does.”

  Martha cocked her head and smiled. “I was just on my way home from Mr. Perkins’s store and thought I’d check on you.”

  “Well, I’m glad you did. Would you like to have a cup of tea before you walk home?”

  “No, I ain’t got time. I’ve gotta get home and ask my boy Tad if he wants to go to work for Mr. Perkins. He needs some help, you know.”

  Tave’s heart pounded in her chest. “No, I didn’t know that.”

  “Oh yeah. That nice Mr. Luckett is leaving today. Going to Montgomery, he says. We sure gonna miss him around here.” Martha’s eyes narrowed, and she looked at Tave as if checking the effect her words produced.

  Tave grabbed the back of the chair for support and tried to smile. “Yes, we are.”

  Martha continued to study Tave for a moment before she glanced down at the tomatoes. “I’d better get out of here so’s you can get to work. Just wanted to say hello.”

  The woman turned and walked from the backyard. It took Tave a moment to collect her thoughts. She raised her hand, waved, and called after her. “Thanks for stopping by, Martha.”

  When Martha had disappeared, Tave dropped down in the chair and buried her face in her hands. Anger washed over her, and she sat up straight. What was Daniel thinking? Was he just going to sneak out of town without even saying good-bye after all she’d done for him? No, he was going to face her and tell her good-bye.

  She jumped to her feet, jerked off the apron she wore, and threw it in the chair. With her fists clenched at her sides, she stormed from the backyard and headed toward her father’s office.

  Ten

  Daniel had just stuffed the last shirt in the bag his clothes had arrived in from the Montgomery Belle when he heard the door of Dr. Spencer’s office open. He froze in place and held his breath. Soft footsteps tapped across the wooden floor of the waiting room. They stopped outside the bedroom, and a knock sounded at the door.

  “Daniel, are you in there?”

  A relieved breath escaped Daniel’s throat at the sound of Dr. Spencer’s voice. At least Tave ha
dn’t come to see him. He hoped he could get out of town without her knowing. “Yes, come on in.”

  The door swung open. Daniel pulled the drawstring that closed the top of the bag and turned. Dr. Spencer’s gaze appeared riveted on the bag. He took a deep breath and looked up. “Is that your horse tied to the hitching post out front?”

  “Yes.”

  He glanced down at the bag again. “So you’re really leaving.”

  He nodded. “It’s time I moved on.” He pointed to the lamp table. “I was hoping you’d be back from Cottonwood before I left, but I wrote you a note in case you weren’t.”

  Dr. Spencer rubbed his tired eyes. “It’s been a long night. The wife of one of the tenant farmers had a baby. It took a long time, but everything turned out all right.”

  The front door of the building opened and slammed shut. Someone stomped across the waiting-room floor. Daniel’s heart almost stopped when Tave appeared at the door to the bedroom. He couldn’t tell if it was anger or hurt in her eyes, but he realized that whatever it was had to be directed at him.

  Her chin trembled. “Martha tells me you’re leaving.”

  He turned back to the bed and pretended to secure the top of his bag. “That’s right.”

  Dr. Spencer cleared his throat. “I think I’ll go into my office and let you two say your good-byes.” He stopped beside Tave and patted her shoulder. “I’ll be in the next room.”

  She bit her lip and nodded before her father left the room. After a moment, she inched closer. “Weren’t you going to tell me you were leaving?”

  Daniel pointed to the lamp table. “I left a note.”

  A strangled laugh came from her throat. “After all these weeks, I only get a note. You were going to leave without telling me good-bye.”

  He willed himself not to move toward her. He had to keep his distance. “You know why I couldn’t see you.”

  “I know what you said, but I can’t believe you’d leave town without at least thanking me for sitting by your bed and nursing you back to health, for cooking your meals, for—” She swallowed. “I suppose whatever else I might feel doesn’t matter.”

  His heart told him to close the distance between them, to take her in his arms, and tell her he didn’t want to ever be parted from her, but he didn’t move. “Don’t make this any harder than it already is, Tave. I’m going, and there’s nothing you can say to change my mind.”

  “I guess I knew that when I came.” She glanced at his packed bag and back to him. “Will you do one thing for me, Daniel?”

  He swallowed. “What?”

  She pointed to the lamp table where her Bible still lay. “Take my Bible with you and read it. Maybe you can find the peace you’re looking for.”

  “If you want me to take it, I will.”

  She stepped back from him. “I want you to stick it down in your bag; then I want you to leave. I’ve done a lot of thinking in the past two weeks, and I’ve come to realize it would never have worked out for us. I want a man who can love me, not someone whose heart is shriveled up with so much hate that he’s turned his back on God. If the day ever comes that you turn your life over to God and allow Him to take away all that hate, think of me, Daniel, a woman who loved you for the man she could see waiting to be released from the past. I’ll think about you often, and I’ll pray for you every day.”

  She whirled and ran out of the room. He wanted to go after her, but he knew he couldn’t. She’d forget him in time.

  Daniel closed his eyes and bit his lip. The front door slammed, and he realized he was alone again, just as he had been for years. A discreet cough at the edge of the room caused him to open his eyes. Dr. Spencer walked in and stopped at the foot of the bed. “Do you have everything you need?”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”

  Dr. Spencer frowned. “I hope so. Just be careful of your side for a while.”

  “I will.”

  Dr. Spencer pushed his glasses up on his nose and took a deep breath. “I saw Tave leave. She didn’t ask me to stop you, and I won’t try.”

  “Thank you. You couldn’t change my mind.”

  “I know. If I’ve learned anything in this life, it’s that you can’t change folks from whatever they’re bound and determined to do. Only God can do that.”

  Daniel’s shoulders slumped, and he dropped down on the bed. He clasped his hands between his knees and stared at the floor. “I don’t want to go, but I feel like I have to.”

  Dr. Spencer eased down beside him. “Because of Tave?”

  Daniel jerked his head around to stare at Dr. Spencer. “How did you know?”

  He shrugged. “I thought something was wrong when she wanted to leave the picnic early that day. Then when we got home, she told me you were leaving and ran into her room. She’s hardly gotten out of the house since then. I figured something had happened between the two of you.”

  Fear at telling Dr. Spencer what had happened washed over him, and Daniel averted his gaze. “Tave is a wonderful woman. She’s too good for me. I can’t give her the things that Matthew can, and she deserves to have a good life.”

  “Did you tell her that?”

  “Yes.”

  “What did she say?”

  Daniel swallowed before he spoke. “That she doesn’t love Matthew.”

  Dr. Spencer laid his hand on Daniel’s shoulder. “Do you love my daughter, Daniel?”

  He bit his lip and nodded before he turned back to face Dr. Spencer. “With all my heart, but I’m not going to stay here and ruin her life.”

  Dr. Spencer rose, clasped his hands behind his back, and walked across the room before he stopped and retraced his steps. “You would ruin her life if you stayed.”

  Daniel thought he’d heard the doctor wrong. The realization that her father hadn’t thought him good enough for Tave hit him like a kick in the stomach. All he could do was try to disguise his disappointment. “Then you think it’s best for me to leave?”

  Dr. Spencer peered over the rim of his spectacles. Sadness shadowed his eyes, and Daniel felt as if the man could see into the depths of his soul.

  “I’m just a country doctor who’s devoted his life to healing folks’ ailments. Sometimes, though, I see someone who has a sickness that I can’t do anything about, and I have to rely on a higher power to take over.”

  “You’re talking about God.”

  Dr. Spencer nodded. “I am. Tave told me you’ve had a lot of bad things happen in your life, things that have hardened your heart and made you doubt God. She thought maybe you were beginning to see the truth, but I can tell you haven’t quite reached that stage yet. So I think you’re right about leaving. You and Tave never would be able to have a life together.”

  Daniel rose to his feet. “Thank you for seeing it my way.”

  Dr. Spencer held up his hand. “Hold on there, Daniel. I didn’t say I see it your way. I said you were right to leave. By that I mean that Tave needs someone who has a deep faith in God, a man who’ll turn his life over to Him and follow whatever path God leads him on. I don’t want anything less than that for my daughter.”

  A frown pulled at Daniel’s brow. “You mean you wouldn’t mind the fact that I don’t have any money or any prospects of getting any?”

  Dr. Spencer sighed. “Daniel, there’s a lot more to life than what money can buy. Jesus once spoke about that to a large group of people and told them to look at the lilies of the field and the sparrows in the air and see how God took care of them. He ended by telling the crowd not to worry about what they should eat or what they wear. Then He spoke some words that I carry with me every day. He said, ‘For all these things do the nations of the world seek after: and your Father knoweth that ye have need of these things. But rather seek ye the kingdom of God; and all these things shall be added unto you.’ ”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means that when you open your heart to God’s love, He’s going to take care of you. You may never be rich, but when H
e’s working through your life, those things aren’t the most important anymore. We see other things that mean so much more.”

  Daniel nodded. “I’ve been reading the Bible, and I felt so peaceful when I went with you and Tave to church. Then I remember what happened to my mother, and I can’t let go of the past. It’s just too hard.”

  Dr. Spencer smiled. “It is for all of us. It was hard for me to let go of the terrible things I saw men do to each other during the war. If I hadn’t put my faith in God, I don’t think I could have survived that time. Until you come to the place where you can turn the past over to God, you’re never going to have any peace. You’ve got an ache that I can’t fix, but God can.” He pointed to Tave’s Bible on the table. “The best medicine for you is found in that book. Read it, Daniel, and let the words speak to your heart. Only then are you going to be ready to have a relationship with any woman.”

  Daniel stared at the Bible, walked over to the table, and picked it up. “Tave told me to take it with me.”

  “Then do it.” Dr. Spencer stuck out his hand. “I’m glad I met you, Daniel, and I’m going to be praying you find the peace you need in your life.”

  They shook hands, and Daniel watched as Dr. Spencer walked from the room. He heard him cross the waiting room and the sound of the front door closing as he left. A vast emptiness consumed Daniel, and he staggered back. He’d left many places in the past and had never given it a thought. Now he knew he didn’t want to leave the people he’d come to know here. He’d never felt more alone in his life.

  What was it Tave had said to remember? The words flashed across his mind: “If the day ever comes that you turn your life over to God and allow Him to take away all that hate, think of me, Daniel, a woman who loved you for the man she could see waiting to be released from the past.”

  The urge to unpack his clothes overcame him, and he reached for the bag. He opened the top and reached inside, but stopped before he pulled out a shirt. “No!”

  Gritting his teeth, he shoved the Bible in the bag, pulled the opening closed, and ran from the room. His horse waited outside at the hitching post. He tied the bag to the saddle horn, climbed on, and turned the horse north. It was time for him to go to Montgomery.