Always You

by Belle Brooks

  With the car door closing, I slide Benjamin down beside the seat. Willard’s wearing the cheekiest expression when he clears his throat for my attention and I shift my attention his way.

  “What are you doing?” I’m instantly smitten.

  “Uno piu cosa abbiamo puo verifica fuori il tuo elenco, Maggio.” Will’s Italian is becoming so much clearer. The most amazing part is, I understood exactly what he said. “One more thing we can check off, hey? Look at me rocking this Italian language.” He laughs sporadically at his own declaration, I’m amused by his display.

  “But there are still two things left to do on the list since Danny let us cook with him in the restaurant last night.” I hold my breath, hopeful that somehow Willard managed to have a Willow tree shipped over from the States and buried in our small yard for me. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

  “Today we jump from a plane.”

  A booming laugh escapes me. I truly can’t believe what my family has done for me over these last few months and after last week and our small camp out at the springs with Doctor Brown in toe, I’ve managed to complete them all. We saw the sun rise and fall together. The crew scuba dived for me…the air that lapped my skin as I sat in awe of my family on the boat was magical. We camped out under the stars. Well, for a short while before Doctor Brown insisted I lie in the bed inside the log cabin. My body couldn’t take the strain anyway. I even ate an earthly bug, a witchetty grub. I’d say it was probably not a great item to have on my Fuck-it Bucket List in the end.

  The best part about our getaway was the cave not far from the springs, a lovely little hidden paradise. I left a small trinket in the cave. A small silver jewellery box my mother gave me as a child that when opened, holds a locket with a picture of Willard and I as children. I made Willard promise me he will bring our child here to retrieve this long after I’m gone. A gift from a mother to her child in a hidden hideaway forever holding the promise of a treasure. Willard can continue his love of treasure hunts in the future. Laying these foundations, seems like the final impression I can leave in life and that makes me content.

  “Let’s Vai deve abbiamo.” I squeal in excitement.

  “Let’s go, Maybelline.”

  Parking outside a small building has my heart racing. Anyone would think I’m the one jumping from this plane. In the eyes of my loved ones, I am. Benjamin takes some of my weight as I shuffle uncomfortably into the room where my family is already waiting. I gasp when I spy Doctor Brown amongst the group wearing a Fuck-it Bucket List shirt.

  “Doctor Brown.” I giggle.

  “I thought about jumping out of a plane. Why not? After the weekend at the springs, I got a taste for this family’s escapades.”

  “This is so perfect,” I mutter, making my way towards him. “Thank you,” I mouth, holding back tears as I allow his outstretched arms to hold me in an embrace. Some doctors are clinical, but some have love racing through their veins. Doctor Brown is one of them.

  I’m set up in front of a monitor that spans an entire wall after I scream “Geronimo!” to these crazy dare devils on departure.

  I don’t miss a single moment of this adventure because a cameraman follows my posse from the moment they leave me here in this building. Tapping my fingers and filled to the brim with anxiety, I watch my loved ones laugh, embrace each other, offer support and comradery. Their love and devotion send tingles to my nerve endings. I think I may be leaving the people in my life with an unmistakable need for adventure from our escapades, as Doctor Brown called them. I’m leaving behind life. In life there is love and in love there will always be life. I know this now to be the truth.

  Watching the planes hatch open on the screen in front of me, I witness the fear now present on Willard’s face. He is shitting major bricks and my want to hold him and tell him to stop grows stronger with every thud of my pulse pounding like a drum through my veins.

  “I love you, Maybelline!” he yells.

  “I love you, Willard!” I yell back, even though I know he can’t hear me. Allowing tears to skirt my cheeks, I am so proud of Will.

  The sound of the door behind me opening has me jolting, but I don’t take my eyes away from the monitor.

  “They’re ready, Maybelline. Now each one has a camera attached to them. And every one of them has a trained jumper behind them, okay?”

  “Okay,” I breathe, still not able to look at the face holding such a deep voice.

  “In three, two, one.”

  Will’s face instantly screws tight and his eyes close. I can barely breathe. Watching his cheeks flap wildly has me laughing and crying at the same time and with a blink of my eyes, the face now filling the screen belongs to Streeter.

  “You are worth this, May, but I think I have literally just shit my pants. Don’t you dare tell a soul. This goes to the grave with you. The ladies need strong men, not pussies like I’m being right now.”

  I’m laughing so hard that when he jumps, I have the sense I’m the one strapped to the man’s chest behind him and I’m free falling. His cheeks flap as wildly as Willard’s did moments ago, and seriously, it’s just as funny.

  Gem is next and I swallow hard when she says quietly, “I love you. I would jump from any plane, cliff or the end of the earth for you. I hope you feel free, Maybelline, at the end. I hope you are free from all this pain.”

  With this I crumble. Laying my head on the table, I cry so forcefully, I’m blowing snot bubbles from my nose.

  “Here, May, here’s a tissue.” The man with the deep voice touches the back of my hand and rubs circles on my back. Turning my palm upwards, I clutch the tissue and tell myself to calm down. It seems almost impossible.

  I miss both John’s and Lexi’s jumps, but I hear them leave their own little sentiments behind.

  Lexi’s voice trembles when she says, “My sister, you are jumping with me.”

  And John sounds the bravest of the lot when he says, “Fuck you, bucket list.”

  Wiping my eyes, I watch the now blurred monitor when Doctor Brown’s face comes into view. He smiles before saying, “May, in life, we must trust. I have lived by this my entire life, but you have made this so much more meaningful. You are truly inspirational.”

  He’s free falling in no time and again I snicker at his flapping cheeks.

  Will’s parents are side by side in the doorway. Their hands are clutched together up by their faces and they smile at each other in such a loving way, I can’t help smiling as well. “We are jumping for you,” Alex booms before they yell, “Three, two, one,” together and let go of their hands as they push forwards.

  Mum and Dad repeat this act. Neither of them speaks. They look at each other and as they part hands and fall forward they yell, “We created perfection in you.”

  Taking a glass of water from the man I now see has a full and long black beard, I gulp painfully as I watch their faces flick up on the television, each person at different parts of their fall. That is until I see Willard floating high above them with a fully opened chute. What an amazing moment in life this was to experience. I swear my heart can barely take a minute more and I’m so dizzy, I need to lie down. Talk about an adrenaline rush!

  Once home, I lie in the lounge, listening to the chatter of my loved ones. They are all still on the most amazing high. I bask in their individual glows. Fluttering my eyelids in an attempt to hold back the beckoning sleep, I shift uncomfortably until I find a position that whisks me away.

  “What do you think is beyond the clouds, Willard?” I was still giggling from Willard’s previous interpretation of a cloud formation he believed to be a decapitated motorcyclist still riding his bike, when asked this. Willard always had the strangest visions.

  “I’m not sure, Maybelline, but one day I’ll fly above those clouds with you.”

  “Really?” I seemed shocked by him saying such a thing, but I wasn’t sure why.

  “I will, I think we’ll grow old together, you and I.”

  “Best friends for
ever.”

  “Maybe. But whatever happens, I’ll always be there.” Our heads were touching as we lay in opposite directions from each other in the soft grass.

  “I believe you.”

  “I’d never lie to you.”

  “I know.”

  “So what’s it feel like to be a thirteen year old girl?” he mumbled with an air of intrigue.

  “The same as it did yesterday when I was a twelve-year-old girl.”

  “But you’re not a girl anymore, Maybelline, you’re a teenager.” This sounded weird when said aloud, causing me to scrunch my nose upwards. “We are both teenagers now,” he continued.

  “I guess we are.”

  “Do you like your present?”

  “I do. Very much. Thank you.” Fiddling with the charm now hanging around my neck, I traced the wings of the blue bird and envisioned a future where I’d always feel as free as I did in that moment.

  “I thought you might.” He chuckled with a sudden crack to his voice.

  “What was that?” I snorted.

  “My voice changing.”

  Sucking in a forced breath of air, I try to sit upright but can’t. “Willard,” I cry out in a panic.

  “It’s okay, I’m here.” His tone is reassuring like always. “Sssh. It’s okay, you were dozing.”

  “Where am I?” Panic lunges through my core.

  “In bed, babe.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Research.”

  “What for?”

  “It’s not important.” The weight against the bed shifts as I finally take in the surroundings of our room.

  “I want to know.”

  “Trust me, you don’t.” He sighs.

  “Will.”

  “May, go back to sleep.”

  “Tell me.”

  “Let’s get you on the toilet and some water and we will talk about it.”

  “Okay,” I mouth with instant fear. What is Willard researching?

  When I’m nestled back into bed, Willard brings over the lap top he would have spent countless hours tapping on, no doubt, but the lid is sealed shut. Looking deeply into my eyes, he asks one question. “If you survive the birth, have you thought about the end?”

  Nodding, I confirm I have.

  “Well, so have I. I can’t shake the pain the doctors spoke of, Maybelline, what the end will bring for you. I can’t accept the way it will end. It’s not right or fair.”

  Shaking my head, I try to control a sudden trembling of my lips.

  “Are you scared, May? I’m scared.”

  “Not of dying.” I search his reaction and witness the growth of his pupils at my response.

  “You’re not?”

  “No,” I respond in a hushed tone. “I’m scared of the pain. Of my organs shutting down one by one…my final moments spent in a hospital on morphine as I pass away.”

  “It doesn’t have to be this way, Maybelline.”

  Wiping my cheeks that became damp from the flowing tears brought about by his confession, I’m confused. “It doesn’t?”

  “No.” He swallows hard when he lifts the lid of the laptop before placing it onto my lap.

  Listening to the breath of air whistling from his lips, I look at the screen and gasp. “Willard.”

  “I want to do this for you. Let me save you from an end that nobody deserves. Maybelline, I have belief you’ll survive the birth and stay with us. But I’m fearful of an end filled with pure agony for you.”

  “Will.” Tucking my head into the crook of his neck as he holds me without hesitation, I cry as does he.

  “Let me take your life, Maybelline…peacefully and with dignity as you deserve.”

  Thirty-one weeks down and one week to go until our baby makes it out into the big wide world. Today, I’m finishing the last of my video letters. Gem and John-John came up with this idea and, of course, I was on board within a mere second. It’s brilliant.

  I’ve been on complete bed rest in the Wellington Private Hospital for six days. Doctor Saunders was not happy with the number of contractions I’m having. The funny thing is, I don’t feel them, none of them. She’s also not happy with my constant blackouts and headaches. I’m not so keen about having them either.

  Every day, we’ve set up a camera and one of my loved ones records messages for the people I want to leave them for. I recorded one yesterday for the town of Wellington to thank them all for their generosity and for the $172,000 the community raised for our family. Willard is there now with the rest of the crew, offering our gratitude as they present us with the money. It’s amazing what our town has done for Will and I. Human kindness at the absolute finest, if you ask me.

  Gem is the only one with me today and this means I can record my letter for Willard. She says she will be strong and help me through this. I sure hope so, because how can you say goodbye to the person who has held the key to your heart for forever and a day.

  Watching Gem set up the camera is hard because she shakes so much, it makes me feel guilty for asking her to do this for me.

  “Okay, bestie, camera’s ready. Are you ready?”

  “No.” I giggle.

  “Thank fuck, because neither am I.”

  Sitting on the bed beside me, Gem strokes my hair out from in front of my face and even licks her finger before rubbing it against my hairline.

  “Yuck.”

  “Fly away. We need you to be pretty for Willard.” She snickers.

  “You are one in a million.”

  She clears her throat. “One in a trillion, thank you.”

  “I stand corrected.” She laughs, as do I.

  “You look beautiful.”

  “I know.” Tracing my fingers around the outline of her face, I whisper, “I would’ve been lost without you in my life.”

  “You would have,” she chokes.

  “I love you, Gem.”

  “I know.” She smiles wearily before adding, “I love you too, even though you love Matthew McConaughey and he is gross. I mean, not everyone can have good taste in men like me, now, can they?”

  “Nope.” I snatch my fingers from her cheek and breathe. “I’m ready.”

  “Okay.”

  Standing behind the camera, Gem gestures towards the collar of my floral button down blouse, indicating it needs fixing. I straighten up as I wait for the light to turn red. It does sooner than I expected, leaving me staring down the lens bewildered.

  “Hey, babe,” I finally say. “Thirty-one weeks, we did it. We actually did it.” I know I’ve got the goofiest smile planted across my face and no matter how hard I try to correct this I can’t. “Well, where should I start?” Turning my eyes downwards for a moment, I reason with myself to remain composed before flicking them towards the lens once more. “Our life has been nothing short of perfect, so maybe my letter to you should start like a fairy tale.”

  Taking a moment to look above the lens at Gem, I watch her lips curl upwards before she bobs her head. Clearing my throat, I turn my attention back to the camera and breathe slowly…

  “Once upon a time, in an open paddock, in the town called Wellington, lived this beautiful princess. She was not your typical princess because she loved to climb trees and play superheroes. The only problem was she had nobody to do these things with, that was until a prince came riding in on his stallion and found her sitting on the grass alone in search of a friend. Can I tell you, he seemed to be a pretty bossy prince, but it turned out to be a good characteristic to have when dealing with a pretty stubborn princess. Together these two royal subjects managed to take control of their town of Wellington and keep each other safe and happy.” Taking a moment to giggle, I throw my head back and close my eyes, picturing the day once more before continuing.

  “It was the best day of my life, Willard. The day you stood a foot in front of me and promised you’d take care of me, even at the tender age of four. It was everything I could have ever dreamt of. Everything that has come our way has never been
something we couldn’t handle because we’ve always had each other. Best friends at first sight. I believe Willard this is how everybody should fall in love.” The sounds of soft sobbing coming from Gem doesn’t deter me as I continue.

  “Our story will always be my most favourite one to tell. Because it has not been one missing flawless times. For us every minute was real and every minute mattered, right up until the end. I know you will love me in the morning and I know I will love you too. I wish we could have had the full life together we dreamt of, but sometimes a full life has already occurred even though we’ve not seen it happening.

  “Live, Willard. Dream. Jump from planes. See the world. Take our child’s hand in yours and give them a story book full of breathtaking adventures, because when your time comes, I really need to hear these tales of your adventures, from your lips just as you remembered them.

  “Love never leaves a person, Willard. I’ll never leave you because I’ll be everywhere you are carried in your heart.

  “Promise me you’ll share your heart with another when she walks into your life and reaches out for your love. Promise me you won’t turn and run away. I’ve had the most amazing life and it’s because of you this happened, so please give this gift to another.”

  Letting my tears fall, I continue staring into the camera whilst sharing all the things I need to tell Willard. I speak of my favourite days and my happiest nights and I don’t leave a single thing out before the light finally disappears and filming ends.

  Gem is quick to my side and together we cry for what feels like hours.

  Willard stands in the doorway of my hospital room with a pair of sneakers hanging from his fingertips and with a tensed and forced smile to his lips. “Today is the day, babe. Thirty-two weeks. I have my lucky running shoes to wear to the theatre. Now all you need to do is stay with me, okay?”

  Swallowing down a lump of concrete suddenly invading my throat, I take a moment to really look at Willard, every bit of his beautiful face. I’m scared I won’t see him again.