Surrender

by D H Sidebottom

  If Sebastian wasn’t already dead, I’d have ripped out his heart for breaking hers. The selfish fucker. I knew what she had done for him. What she didn’t know was that Johnny was now sporting concrete shoes and was dancing with the big fish at the bottom of the Thames.

  I grinned to myself at the memory of the sound and stench of his piss trickling down his leg when he’d looked up and seen me. The stupid prick. He’d told me that Isla had told him she was with Nial and he’d allowed her to go. Not good enough! What Isla didn’t realise was that Johnny would have pushed the two grand back at her if she’d mentioned my name instead. Shit, the prick would have fucking licked her damn shoes clean for her.

  Taking a deep drag of my cigarette, I sighed when Isla murmured a sob in her sleep. The smoke curled across the ceiling blanketing the white paint with a grey hue.

  My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out to read the text.

  Adam: It’s done.

  Sliding it back into my pocket, I groaned and rolled my head around my neck. It was going to be a long night. My dick wouldn’t stop throbbing with the sight of Isla in my bed. Her soft body, the mass of freckles decorating her pale skin when I had stripped off her clothes had almost made me come in my damn pants. I felt fourteen again, when I’d lost my virginity in three shameful strokes. Her small but firm breasts had looked so fucking tempting encased in virgin white cotton, her sweet little ass filling out her pale blue knickers perfectly. I’d smiled when I’d found the mismatched underwear under her clothes. All the women I had fucked before wouldn’t have dared even buy, never mind go out in, a pair that didn’t match. But with Isla, that simple thing made me want her even more.

  Was she a virgin? She couldn’t be. She was twenty-eight. Yet something told me she was inexperienced. It wouldn’t last. By the time I finished with her she would be the wildest thing that had ever been beneath me, or above me; I wasn’t too bothered which.

  Isla Cormack was mine, she’d always been mine, and before the week was out, her tight little pussy would be pleasuring my cock, her sweet voice crying out my name and her stunning body bowing to mine.

  I’d waited too fucking long. Stupidly, I’d refused what I wanted ten years ago. Well not any more. I’d dreamed of how she would feel full of my cock for over a decade. The reality of how she would actually feel was so close. That thought made my cock even harder and my heartbeat even more frantic. It’s a empowering feeling learning love and soul mates exist at such a young age, but as soon as I saw Isla it was like being impacted with a jolt of lightening the hummed throughout my body whenever I would see her, smell her scent as she passed me or heard her play that fucking beautiful music of hers.

  “Nearly there, Jake. All the shit will soon be worth it,” I whispered. “It’s time to reap the reward for what you lost for her.”

  I blinked, swallowing at the pain of what I had lost. All for her. All for Isla Cormack. But that was nothing compared to what she would give me in return.

  Heaven for hell. At long last.

  “GOOD MORNING,” A GRUFF voice whispered from behind me. “How are you feeling?”

  My eyes opened quickly, my eyelids snapping back so quickly I thought they’d done a full 360. Yelping, I shot out of bed, glaring at Jake who was lying in bed with me in nothing, zilch, absolutely fuck all! His broad, delicious chest was on display and luckily the duvet lay from his hips downwards.

  “What the hell?”

  My eyes widened further when I looked down and found myself in just my knickers and bra. “Bloody hell. You took off my clothes!”

  He lifted an eyebrow, his lips twisting in amusement. “Are you always this grumpy when people try to help you?”

  “Help me? How the hell does removing my clothes help me?”

  He shrugged and pursed his lips. “Nah, I agree. I just wanted to see your body.”

  “Unbelievable!”

  He tipped his head sideways, his eyes narrowing slightly as he studied me intensely. “Never be embarrassed by your body Isla, especially when it’s as stunning as yours is.”

  He was crazy. Utterly loony.

  “Oh fuck!” I held up my hands, my head shaking from side to side when he started to climb out of bed. Spinning round quickly I stood rooted to the spot waiting for him to disappear into a bathroom.

  “Turn around, Isla.”

  “No.”

  “Isla, turn around.”

  “No.”

  “If you don’t turn around right now, I’m coming over there and I’m gonna take you over my damn knee like the sulky three-year-old you’re being.”

  “My God, have you no morals?” I blurted as I turned around, making sure to keep my eyes level with his.

  He chuckled, shaking his head mockingly. “Isla, sweetheart, you know me well enough by now to know I have no morals.”

  I swallowed as I struggled to keep my gaze on his face. Damn his fucking fine body. “That’s something we agree on then.”

  “Look at me, Isla. There’s no shame in having a good body.”

  “You’re crazy,” I mumbled, shaking my head.

  “We’ve already established that. Right now we’re on the subject of bodies.” He smirked when I growled at him. “Look at my cock, Isla. All men have one, just the same as all women have breasts.”

  Oh fuck. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his hand reach down, knowing exactly what he was going for.

  “Come here,” he demanded, with a crook of his finger, his voice low but commanding. I didn’t like the way my body reacted to him. I shook my head. My belly somersaulted when the tone of his voice lowered further and he stared straight into my eyes. “I want you to come here, Isla. I’m not going to touch you, I promise.”

  I could feel my resistance ebbing away, my eyes eager to look at what the flesh between my thighs was drooling for. He didn’t smirk or mock like I thought he would when I slowly lowered my gaze. He stood silent, allowing me to study him. He stared at me, regarding my expression when I gasped slightly. His fingers were curled around his thick shaft, his hand unable to cover the whole length as he slid it up and down slowly.

  He watched my face as I watched his slow masturbation, his large hand giving himself pleasure. His breathing was harsh and deep, my ears picking it up from the distance between us. However, I blinked when I realised he was standing directly in front of me.

  I didn’t look up; I didn’t want to look at him. I knew he’d see the inexperience in my eyes, and I didn’t want him to know that part of me. But Jake had other ideas.

  Reaching for my hand with his free one, he took it and pulled it gently towards his own. I couldn’t seem to stop myself, like I was his puppet and my body would allow him anything.

  Coaxing my fingers around his, he slid our joined grasp up and down again, this time my fingers over his while he controlled our movements. “Have you ever seen a man’s cock, Isla?” he whispered softly. Shaking my head I refused to look at him. I didn’t want him to witness the deep blush on my face.

  My lips parted when gradually he slipped his own hand out from under mine until my fingers were the only ones touching him. I was surprised by how soft and velvety his cock felt, the heat it radiated warming my fingers.

  Jake’s breath hitched, a slight rumble in his chest catching my attention. My touch seemed to make him even harder, his thick shaft almost throbbing under my caress.

  “Are you a virgin?” he asked quietly, the tone to his voice now harsh and deep as though talking was a struggle.

  “No,” I whispered. I felt his pause, his abs tightening for a moment. I knew he was confused. Hell, I was confused.

  Taking my other hand he drew it underneath his cock, telling me he wanted me to touch his balls. My fingers cupped him lightly, generating a faint hiss from him.

  “Shit,” he groaned quietly. “You’re so gentle.”

  I continued to squeeze his testicles softly as I tightened my grip on his cock. A small amount of moisture glistened on the head, ma
king my mouth water when I saw it. Experimenting while he was allowing me to, I slowly ran the tip of my thumb over it, smearing the moisture around the swollen crown.

  A deep groan rumbled from him.

  “I know what you’re doing, Jake,” I murmured, keeping my eyes on my action. I was amazed by how much thicker and harder he was getting.

  “Is it working?”

  “No. I don’t think anything will release me from the hell in my mind.”

  I closed my eyes when his finger slid under my chin and he tilted my head back until my face was no longer down and observing my caress but facing upwards towards his.

  “Then let’s try this,” he whispered.

  My eyes snapped open when I felt the press of his thick, soft lips against mine. His eyes flashed when I felt the push of his tongue into my mouth. My heart galloped and I wasn’t sure if it would keep up with the surge of blood racing through my veins.

  He growled faintly and pulled back, his eyes narrow and vaguely cold. “Don’t deny me, Isla.”

  Swallowing, I regarded him. All I saw in his eyes was need and desire. No one had ever looked at me like that before. It excited me, made my body feel something I had denied for a long while.

  It was just a kiss. How much could it hurt?

  So, commanding myself, I slid my hand around the back of his neck and pulled his face to mine. He crushed my mouth with his, a deep groan accompanying his touch.

  He moaned into my mouth when I timidly slipped my tongue inside his, his own tongue thrusting forward to meet mine. His hand cupped the back of my head, holding me in place in case I had the sudden urge to escape him. His other hand glided softly up the centre of my back, his finger tracing the groove of my spine and his soft touch sending tingles down my backbone.

  His kiss intensified and he started to thrust his hips, working his cock faster into my hand, encouraging me to fist him tighter and meet each of his strokes with one of my own.

  “Shit!” he hissed when his lips left mine and started journeying down the centre of my throat. “Harder Isla.”

  My instincts took over and I increased both my grip and my speed, his cock swelling further each time I twisted my hand when I reached the head of him. I groaned, my body shivering with delight when Jake sank his teeth into the base of my neck and jerked his hips hard. Something warm and wet covered my belly, making me release a moan of my own when he continued to push against my fingers’ embrace.

  “Fuck!” he rasped.

  He rested his face into my shoulder as he slipped both arms around me and held me tight to him for a moment. Then as if nothing had happened he moved away, snatched up his clothes from the floor and left the room, his fist connecting with the wall beside the door first, making me jump when an expletive burst from him.

  I stared after him, unsure what I had done wrong. Had my inexperience been that bad? I’d made him come. I saw the pleasure in his face just before he had swamped my skin with him.

  I didn’t understand.

  After a moment, I looked away from the door. Pulling some tissues from a box on the dresser, I cleaned my stomach then got dressed in silence, refusing to allow the taunts in my head a hearing.

  I walked out of Jake’s house, my mind still numb. That was a blessing because it gave my imagination a break from the horrors that lived there.

  FOR THE FIRST TIME in a very long time, I was grateful for the space in my mother’s head where she would often retreat, her safe haven against the suffering that wore her down. It provided a place of nothing, a pause in her nightmare where she could welcome dreams that made her smile once again. It was the place she needed to be right then, to distance herself from her family who were breaking apart bit by bit.

  The doctors had advised that we didn’t tell her about Seb; her mind was too fragile to cope with it. My father and I agreed.

  I envied her. I wanted that place to hide where the world was all sunshine and unicorns, where rainbows brightened the dark corners and laughter swallowed the sound of misery. A secluded spot where it never rained and where the cold bite of life couldn’t hurt me. I wanted that. So, so much.

  I’d managed to persuade my dad to stay in the guest room at the cottage. In an almost absurd role reversal, I’d settled him into bed and tucked him in like he’d done with me so many times. His vacant eyes had held mine for a moment, a torturous anguish reflected back at me from the depths of his soul.

  Taking a last glance at his sleeping form, I flicked off the light and pulled the door to, then went in search of the oblivion alcohol could provide.

  “Hey,” Leah whispered from the sofa where she sat in the dark with just the firelight. She pointed to a glass of what I presumed to be Jack and Coke on the small table, her mind in exactly the same place as mine.

  She lifted her glass when I sat down beside her. “To Seb.” Holding my glass to hers for a few moments, both of us holding each other up with a simple gaze, we nodded and tipped back the liquid. The nectar slid down my throat, preparing my stomach for a night of hard drink and lots of tears.

  Leah leaned forward and refreshed our glasses. “It’s not your fault, Isla.”

  I shook my head as I took the fresh Jack from her; all that diluted it this time was ice. Seb had always drunk his whisky with Coke and I valued that Leah had remembered, but now it was time to forego the Coke to obliterate the grief.

  “How can you say that? We all know . . .”

  “We all know that if it wasn’t for you, he would have . . .” she cut in but stopped short, not wanting to say out loud the last part to that sentence. “You saved him, Isla.”

  “No.” I shook my head, and drew out the word. “I didn’t. All I did was replace what nightmares he could have had with a life of pain and regret. He couldn’t cope with the guilt any more than he would have coped with . . . being raped.” She winced when I said it, making me even more determined to finally air what needed to be spoken about.

  “Bollocks,” she barked, snatching up the bottle and pouring in more nectar. “You can’t say that. Have you any idea what rape does to a man?”

  I laughed, I couldn’t help it. They were all so hypercritical. “And watching his sister . . .” My phone beeped a message alert and I reached for it, grateful for its intrusion before I said something I would regret.

  Unknown number: Isla, I should apologise but unfortunately we both know I don’t do that well. But I shouldn’t have left like that. Fuck, I shouldn’t have allowed that to happen. Anyway, just wanted you to know that. Jake.

  I laughed bitterly causing Leah to frown at me. What a complete dick!

  Me: Jake. Don’t worry about it, we both know you obviously needed to get your rocks off and hey, there I was. Feel free to use me as you see fit. I should have expected it, especially from you.

  “Everything okay?” Leah asked, her head cocked slightly as she watched me chunter to myself and stab at the phone keyboard.

  “Uh-huh.” I breathed out as my phone pinged again. Turning it to silent and ignoring it, I curled my feet up under me and turned to look at Leah. “Are you ready to talk about what happened that night?”

  Her pretty face blanched, the usual rosy tint to her cheeks turning to a sickly yellow as the pastel brown of her eyes paled to a severe grey. She looked away, rejecting what I wanted, what I needed, but I grabbed her hand. “Leah, please. No one will talk about it. It’s like it never happened. Like good old Isla didn’t do that, she didn’t end every single person’s life in that room that night. Because I did, Leah. I DID! I FUCKING DID!”

  She turned on me, her face full of anger. Yet, I needed her angry, I needed her to want to finally face what had haunted the five of us for ten years.

  “I won’t let you do this, Isla,” she cried, tears streaming down her face. “I’m sorry that Seb did what he did, but that wasn’t because of you. Why do you have to do this? I CAN’T do this, Isla. I can’t.”

  My phone bleated away on the table, the vibration sending it danc
ing over the polished surface and finally plopping off the end, the soft thud notifying me it had fallen into the depths of the deep luxurious rug in front of the fire.

  “Why Leah? Why can’t you just accept what I did? Why are none of you willing to accept it?” She shook her head furiously but I grabbed her face, making her look at me. “Why can’t any of you accept the fact that I’m a killer? I KILLED HIM! I fucking killed him, Leah!”

  She screamed something I didn’t understand and shot upright, her body stiff but her legs struggling to hold the weight of her slight frame. “STOP IT! STOP IT!”

  I watched her when she stormed up the stairs. I didn’t go after her; what was the point? She wouldn’t listen to me. None of them did. I had the awful feeling that they never would.

  No one would ever give me the chance to set it free. It was like this tornado inside me, picking up more and more anger and pain as it twisted around. It was building to such a degree that I thought I was going to spew it out in a sudden moment, all my sins bursting free and leaving nothing behind, just a ghost of what used to be before. Before . . . I couldn’t even remember before. All I could remember was the hell of life after that fucking New Year party.

  I frowned at my empty glass, not realising I’d drained it. I needed to get drunk; very, very drunk.

  “Jesus Christ.”

  I heard him but I couldn’t get my eyes to open to see him. My inside twisted with anger at him being there. How dare he? How—fucking—dare—he?

  I swatted him away as I snuggled back into the rug, curling my legs up as my stomach revolted at the movement. For some reason the fire was blazing, heating my skin and making me sweat. My face felt tight, like something was stuck to my cheek, my tongue swollen and too big for my mouth.

  “Don’t fight me, Isla.”

  “Fmmg udd.” I giggled. What the fuck had I just said? Well whatever, it sounded hilarious.

  “Come on, sweetheart,” he whispered as his arms slid underneath me.