For Baby and Me

by Margaret Watson

  “I’m good,” Sierra said. She scooted up in bed a little. “Is Maddie in labor?”

  Jen and Delaney both began talking about how she’d gone into labor six hours ago at the Harp, and Quinn had closed it down. Nick saw some of the tension drain from Sierra’s shoulders. Several minutes later, she actually smiled. She still gripped his hand, but her grip wasn’t nearly as desperate. Now she threaded her fingers through his and just held on.

  Walker and Sam had joined the women, and the room was crowded. Sierra had been in this town for only a short time, but she was part of the community. People knew who she was. She had friends.

  She belonged.

  Nick wanted this. He wanted to be part of this circle of couples. This community.

  Sierra claimed she wanted that, too. But he wasn’t so sure anymore.

  Ninety minutes later, Walker rushed into the room. “Quinn just came out. Maddie had the baby. It’s a girl.”

  Everyone rushed for the door, but Walker held up his hand. “No hurry. He said it would be a while.”

  Nick eased into the corner, feeling like an intruder. They smiled at him, acted as if he was included, but he knew the truth. He hadn’t forged bonds in this town, as Sierra had. He was on the outside of this group, looking in.

  Just like he was always on the outside. Up until now, it had been his choice. And now that he wanted to lower the walls, he realized Sierra hadn’t lowered hers.

  Just then Quinn walked in, wearing a long blue gown and a blue cap on his head. He held a tiny bundle in his arms and had a huge grin on his face.

  “Meet Grace Madeline Murphy,” he said.

  Everyone else crowded around, and Sierra again tried to sit up in the bed. As Nick helped her, he saw tears glittering in her eyes.

  Quinn’s baby was so tiny. So helpless.

  Nick couldn’t tear his gaze away from her. In a few months, God willing, Sierra would hold their baby in her arms.

  And if he walked away, he would be doing to his child what Nick’s parents had done to him. Abandoning it. Leaving it unprotected.

  He couldn’t do that. He would never leave a child of his.

  SIERRA BIT HER LIP AS she gazed at Maddie and Quinn’s baby. She was wrapped in a pink blanket and wore a tiny cap with a pink pom-pom on top. She had a red face and dark blue eyes.

  She was gorgeous.

  “She’s so small,” Sierra whispered, her hand creeping to her own belly.

  “Seven pounds, six ounces,” Quinn announced proudly.

  “How’s Maddie?” Jen asked.

  “Exhausted. Wrung out. Sore.” He grinned. “Completely over the moon.”

  Walker slung his arm over Jen’s shoulders as he stared at the baby. Then he kissed his wife, put his hand on her still-flat abdomen and murmured, “Six more months.”

  Sierra’s eyes welled with tears. She wanted that. Wanted what Jen and Walker had, what Maddie and Quinn had found. She had prepared herself for going through pregnancy alone, prepared to be a single mother. She was fine with the choices she’d made.

  But seeing Quinn holding his daughter, seeing Walker so happy about Jen’s pregnancy, made her ache. She wanted a partner who was just as excited about the baby as she was. A partner who would hold his son or daughter with love and tenderness.

  She glanced at Nick, right next to her. He’d been wonderful tonight. He’d stayed with her, tried to reassure her, tried to make her more comfortable. But now his eyes were sad as he looked at the people gathered around Quinn.

  When she caught his eye, he murmured, “Scary.”

  “What is?”

  “She’s so tiny. So helpless. How do you protect her?”

  “I don’t know. I guess you learn as you go.”

  He shoved his hands into his pockets as he watched Quinn and Grace.

  Grace was sleeping now, her tiny mouth pursed and her lips twitching. Jen and Walker were cooing over her. Quinn held her securely to his chest.

  Surrounded by people, Sierra had never felt so alone in her life.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  NICK SAT IN THE CHAIR next to Sierra’s bed, watching her as she slept. His eyes were gritty from lack of sleep and his head ached. They’d had one final ultrasound, and the doctor had told them everything looked good. The spot on the placenta hadn’t changed, so it was probably an artifact, whatever the hell that meant.

  Sierra had fallen into a deep sleep almost as soon as the doctor walked away. She’d said she wanted Nick here, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to stay. Ever since Murphy had brought his baby into the room, Nick had felt a wall between himself and Sierra.

  No. It had been there all along. He’d just never noticed it before, because he’d been so busy maintaining his own wall.

  Anger rose again, and this time he didn’t try to ignore it. She’d risked their child because she had to do everything herself. He’d told her he would try to be a part of her life. He was trying but she still didn’t believe in him.

  He stood abruptly to leave, and got as far as the door when Sierra said sleepily, “Where are you going?”

  “I’m leaving. I’ll come back and get you later this morning.”

  There was a short pause. “I know the chair is uncomfortable,” she said.

  He turned to face her. “That’s not why I’m leaving, Sierra.”

  “Why, then?” she asked with a puzzled look.

  “I’m leaving because I’m pissed off, and I didn’t want to have this conversation in the hospital. But maybe it’s better if we do.”

  “What’s wrong, Nick?” She lifted herself until she was sitting, propped against the pillows. Dark circles still shadowed her eyes and her hair was falling out of her braid. He was a bastard for doing this now. But he was going to do it anyway.

  “You’ve been telling me for three months that you need me to open up to you, to care about you, to bond with you. To be part of your perfect family. And I’ve been feeling guilty as hell because I haven’t done it. I didn’t think I could.

  “But I’ve changed, Sierra. I want this. I want to be with you. I want to make a family with you. Only I realized yesterday that maybe you don’t want that, because you haven’t let me in, either. You don’t let anyone in, do you? You want to raise the baby alone, so you can make that perfect family you want so much.”

  “What are you talking about?” she whispered. She drew the blanket up to her neck.

  “Yesterday afternoon, I could have handled that shingle situation for you. Rich would have given them to me, but you wouldn’t let me help you. That’s just a small thing, but it’s a perfect example.”

  His voice rose, and he closed the door. “You could have lost our baby because you ran after Kyle and fell. Why didn’t you ask me to do it?”

  She pulled her knees up beneath the blanket, curling into a tight ball. “I told you, I didn’t think. I just reacted.”

  “Exactly. Your first instinct is to do it yourself. To not let anyone in. And that was your first instinct with me, too. I’ll admit I was an ass at the beginning. But I’ve been trying, Sierra.” He stared at her. “Have you?”

  “I… I…” she stammered. Her throat worked, and she reached for the cup on the table and took a drink. Her hand trembled as she set the cup down, and she gripped the blanket tightly and tucked it beneath her chin.

  He wanted to go to her and wrap her in his arms and tell her he didn’t mean it. That he was a jerk. But if he did that, it would eat away at him. Now that he’d started, he had to get it out. “At the beginning, I wanted to give you money. It was all I had to give, but I needed to feel as if I was taking some responsibility. That I was doing the right thing. But you wouldn’t let me do that, because you didn’t want me to be part of your life. Or the baby’s.”

  “You said you couldn’t love either of us,” she whispered. “I didn’t want to hurt my child.”

  “You didn’t even want me to try. You just kept pushing me away.”

  “I’m not pushing anymore,”
she said. “I want you to stay.”

  “Are you sure about that? Are you sure you want the messiness of a relationship, a partner, someone who will expect to have an equal say in how our child is raised? Someone who might argue with you about decisions you make?”

  “Yes. I want that.”

  She blinked hard, several times in a row. Was she going to cry? Please, God, don’t let her cry.

  “I’m not sure you do. You want me to reveal my deepest feelings and secrets, but you haven’t been very forthcoming with your own feelings.”

  She stared at him, tears dripping down her face.

  He shoved his hand through his hair and sighed. “Hell, this is why I didn’t want to get into this now.”

  “You’ve been angry at me since I fell, haven’t you?” She sat straighter in the bed. “Was all your concern, your tenderness, your caring real? Or was it just a show to calm me down and make me feel better?”

  “What do you think, Sierra?”

  She studied his face, her fingers pleating the thin blanket that covered her. “I don’t know,” she finally said.

  He swallowed. “That’s honest, at least. When you figure it out, let me know. I’ll be back later to pick you up.”

  SIERRA WATCHED NICK WALK down the hall. His steps never faltered and he didn’t slow down as he disappeared from view.

  He was upset she’d run after Kyle. And he was right to be. It had been a stupid thing to do, and almost had horrible consequences. But that didn’t mean she was shutting him out in other things, too. She’d invited him into her home; included him in the first ultrasound…. It didn’t mean she wanted him to have nothing to do with the baby.

  Are you sure, Sierra?

  Her mother’s voice echoed in her head, asking the question in the calm tone she’d used when her daughter was faced with a decision. It made Sierra squirm.

  Nick’s behavior when she’d told him she was pregnant had hurt her deeply. But she’d run away before they could discuss it any further. He’d made it clear he was terrified of being a father, but wanted to do what he could. Money was all he had to offer—or so he thought.

  And she had refused to take it. Because she didn’t want him to be a part of their lives. After losing her parents, she hadn’t wanted any uncertainty in her life.

  The baby kicked once, then again. Harder. Nick should be here to feel it. He’d been just as worried last night as she had been. She’d seen the truth in his face.

  So why had she asked him if it was real? Why hadn’t she trusted him?

  Nick’s words had been hard to hear. Painful. But maybe there was a grain of truth in them.

  AT TEN O’CLOCK, NICK walked into the room and stopped a few feet from the bed. He’d changed the bloody clothes he’d been wearing, and must have taken a shower, because his hair was still damp. “How do you feel?” he asked. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

  “Tired,” she answered, trying not to let her mouth quiver. “Ready to go home.”

  “The nurse said the doctor would be looking at the last ultrasound in a few minutes. She’s with another patient, but it shouldn’t be long.”

  “I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier,” Sierra began, but Nick raised his hand.

  “Not now, okay? I shouldn’t have said all that. I was tired, and worried about you and the baby, and it all spewed out. I’m not used to talking about my emotions. Let’s leave it alone.”

  “I’m not going to leave it alone.” Anger stirred and swallowed the grief and pain. “You can’t just unload on me like that, then say forget about it.” Without thinking, she leaned closer to him. “Or didn’t you mean it?”

  He sank into the chair next to the bed. “I meant it,” he said wearily. “But I’m not sure there’s anything to discuss. We’re both tired, and right now it would be nothing more than ‘No, I didn’t. Yes, you did.’ That wouldn’t be productive.”

  “Productive? Was what you said productive?” Her anger burned brighter, protecting her from the pain. “You couldn’t have waited until I was a little less shaky?”

  “Maybe I should have, but it was a long night for me, too. I lost every bit of control when I saw you lying on the ground, bleeding.” He began to reach for her hand, then sighed. “Hell, Sierra, I’ve screwed up plenty in the last three months. But at least you always knew where I stood. I always told you what I wanted. Even when I was being a total bastard, I told you the truth.”

  “And you think I didn’t?”

  “I’m not sure you knew.”

  He dropped his hand on the arm of the chair, and she began to reach for it. “I know what I want, Nick. I want you.” She curled her fingers into her palm when he didn’t reply.

  “Last night, I wanted you to stay,” she said.

  “I know you did. And I wanted to. I thought it would be better if I left. If we both tried to sleep.”

  “And did you? Sleep?”

  “No. Did you?”

  “What do you think?”

  The silence between them was heavy with unspoken words and regrets. She’d twisted the edge of the sheet into a tight spiral by the time the doctor came into the room, smiling.

  “Everything looks good, Sierra. There’s no tear in the placenta, no damage to the uterus. You need to take it easy for a few days, but the rest of your pregnancy should proceed uneventfully.”

  Her throat swelled, but she didn’t cry. She’d shed too many tears last night, and she was cried out.

  “The nurse will be here in a few minutes with your discharge papers. I need to see you in a week, all right?”

  “I’ll be there.”

  The doctor glanced at Nick. “Your partner is welcome, too.”

  He nodded, but didn’t agree to come. Sierra’s throat prickled again.

  SHE TRIED NOT TO FALL asleep on the way home, but the adrenaline of the past twenty-four hours had drained away, leaving her as limp as a wet dishcloth. She jerked her head up as she felt herself begin to nod off, then her eyes closed again.

  “Wake up, Sierra. We’re home.”

  Struggling awake, she opened her eyes and saw Nick hovering over her. “I need to get you upstairs,” he said.

  She lifted her head and saw the rear of her building. Nick had parked in her assigned spot behind the restaurant. “Okay.”

  She fumbled for her purse, and Nick took it from her. He helped her out of the car, steadied her as he locked the door, then swept her into his arms.

  “I can walk.” She looked around. “Where are those crutches they gave me?”

  “In the trunk. I’ll carry you now and get them later.”

  Nick stood sideways as he opened first one door, then unlocked and opened the other. She clung to him as he mounted the steps. “I’m too heavy for you to carry. I’ll walk up the stairs.”

  He glanced down at her. “You can’t even let me do this? You can’t walk up the damn stairs.”

  He was right. The local anesthetic the doctor had used had worn off hours ago, and her leg throbbed. Every beat of her heart sent a jolt of pain through the muscle, because she hadn’t taken the pain medication they gave her. The doctor had assured her it wouldn’t hurt the baby, but she hadn’t taken any meds during her pregnancy, and she didn’t want to start now.

  When they reached the top of the stairs, he eased her out of his arms and propped her against the wall. He kept one hand on her hip as he unlocked the door, reached in and turned on the light. He swung her into his arms and carried her to her bedroom, where he laid her on the bed.

  “Thanks, Nick,” she said as she curled onto her side. Sleep was closing in, and her mind was filled with cotton. “I’m good now.”

  His fingers circled her ankle as he pulled off one boot, then the other. Something tugged at her hair, and he began to loosen the braid. She remembered him weaving her hair together at the hospital, and she put her hand on his to stop him.

  “Leave it,” she said, and her voice sounded as if it were coming from far aw
ay. “I like it. You did it for me.”

  His hand stilled on hers, then she felt him touching the long tail of her hair. “Okay. I’m going to pull off the scrub top. Is that all right? You’ll be more comfortable if you take it off.” He cleared his throat. “Your bra, too. I’ll just unhook it. You can take it off yourself.”

  His hands drifted up her chest, then soft cloth, smelling of antiseptic, came over her head. He moved to her back, and everything loosened. Then he covered her with a blanket and turned out the lights. Moments later, she was asleep again.

  SUNLIGHT STREAMED IN her window, warm and comforting on her face. She opened her eyes to see the curtain fluttering in the lake-scented breeze. The sun was dipping toward the horizon, and her clock said it was three-thirty.

  She had fallen asleep after she got home from the hospital. As she flopped onto her back, Sierra touched her abdomen to reassure herself the baby was still there. It fluttered against her hand, and she smiled.

  Ignoring the white-hot poker that stabbed into her leg as she rolled to a sitting position, she rested on the side of the bed for a moment. Her bra dangled on one arm, and she frowned. Why would she take a nap like that?

  Nick. He’d brought her home. She vaguely remembered him carrying her up the stairs and laying her on the bed. He’d helped her get undressed, even though he was angry at her. Angry and hurt.

  Tossing the bra onto the dresser, she sat up on the side of the bed and wriggled until she got the pants off. She stood on one leg as she pulled on an old pair of basketball shorts and a University of Illinois T-shirt. Then she took the crutches Nick had retrieved from the car, and carefully made her way to the bathroom.

  She slid the now-ragged braid through her fingers before she began to unwind it. Nick had done that for her. He had also maneuvered his body between her and the ultrasound screen, in case there was something horrible there.

  He’d told her about his childhood to distract her, then stayed with her all night, holding her hand, drying her tears.