The Boys in the Band: Part One

by Lanie Jacobs

  Unfortunately for the both of us I’ve got two hundred bucks riding on me having her ass up and ready to work by the time Riley gets back from Boston so I have no choice but to walk to the back of the couch, put my hands on the edge and push with all my weight.

  “Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey,” I sing as I tip the couch over and roll her off it. “Rise and shine, Peanut Butter.”

  Alice hits with floor with a loud plop and her customary grunt of disapproval. This isn’t our first rodeo and as far as wake-up calls go this isn’t nearly as mean as the time tossed a bucket of cold water at her.

  “Janie,” she presses her hand to her wild mass of blond curls and smiles up at me. “I missed you.”

  “No time for sweet talk, Kid. Riley’s got some moneybags coming in to record some crap and I’ve gotta get things set up.”

  “Ugh, Riley.” Alice looks down at the rug and sighs. “I think he’s got some girl in Boston. He won’t pay any attention to me.”

  “He told me he was doing sound and things got complicated, or something like that.” I shrug. “I really have no idea.”

  “It’s a girl. I heard him talking to her on the phone. She sounded like a tight ass bitch.”

  “Riley likes those uptight chicks. It’s his thing.” I lean across the edge of the couch and stare at her. She looks like crap and smells even worse. “How about you go make nice with the shower?”

  She shakes her head and I swear the booze stink gets worse. Vodka usually doesn’t leave that kind of external lasting impression. This smell is more like really cheap beer. Maybe really cheap beer that someone threw at her?

  “Did you get into a fight last night?” I ask like the patient, caring sister that I am. “Did you start another bitch fight?”

  “Maybe.” She looks up at me with those big blue eyes and innocent little smile. “Girls can be really mean.”

  “What did you do?”

  Alice tilts her head and stares into my face. Her smile isn’t quite so innocent now. “Did you do something to your lips?”

  “No.” I press my fingers to my mouth. My lips are still sore from last night. Sore and probably very swollen. I move away from the couch and head for the door to the studio. I don’t want to deal with personal questions from my baby sister right now.

  I dig my key out of my pocket and am unlocking the door when I hear her footsteps running after me.

  She’s not going to let this go.

  I’d lock her out if I could but she’ll just dig up another key and find me so don’t stop until I’m sitting down at the mixing board.

  “Oh my god.” Alice grabs the chair from across the room, drags it over down next to me. Thank god I ate before my bath or I’d be tossing up my quesadilla right about now.

  “Oh my god, what?” I ask as I hit the power switch on the board.

  “You got laid last night.”

  “Excuse me?” I wait for the bank of LED’s to blink to life before moving on to the next piece of equipment.

  “Your lips.” she howls with laughter “those are cock sucking lips.”

  “I’m kinda busy here so can you please go get the coffee started?”

  “Oh my god Janie! Whose cock did you suck last night?”

  “Do you know if Riley needs the room pinked or not?” I decide that ignoring her is probably the only way to make it through the next hour of my life since killing your own sister is frowned upon in this country.

  “What’s his name?” Alice leans closer and I wish to hell my parents had just gotten the puppy I’d asked for instead of bringing this crazy person home from the hospital. “Come on, Janie. You have to tell me. You never tell me anything good.”

  “Alice!” Now, I’m shouting at her. It feels really good so I keep doing it. “Can you please shut the fuck up!”

  “Totally a Squee moment!” She balls her hands into little fists and for a moment I think she’s about to spring right out of her chair and hit her head on the ceiling.

  “Take a breath, Alice, you look like you’re about to pass out.”

  “Oh my god! Tell me everything. I want all the details. Did you do anal? Tell me you did anal and made a sex tape!” She squeals. My sister is actually squealing at the thought of me having a sex tape floating out there in the world.

  “You are one classy bitch, you know that.” I place both hands on the table and try to take a few calming breath before I smack her right upside her greasy head. “Now, does Riley have the room pinked or not?”

  “Who cares? I want to hear more about your sex tape.” She laughs, it’s a high pitched, hyena sort of laugh.

  It’s also the last thing I hear before I completely lose my shit.

  “Shut the fuck up or i am going to pull your fucking ears right off your fucking head!” Now I’m just screaming for the sake of screaming. “Fine! Yes! I had sex last night! It was a one night stand. It’s never going to happen again. Yes he was hot and the sex was mind blowing. He had a huge fucking cock but I didn’t get the chance to suck it because he tied me up and spanked me. And yes, it kinda hurts to sit down but no, I didn’t do anal. Now, did Riley leave any instructions? Do you know if this guy wants’ a smooth transient sound or is he looking for an old tube amp sound?”

  “Tell me about the guy. It he hot? Oh fucking fuck let him be hot.” She’s begging just like me begging Mom for the puppy.

  Fucking hell.

  There have been several times in my life that I’ve wondered if my sister might be a little slow on the uptake. It wouldn’t be all that difficult to imagine, the girl has done an Ozzy Osborn amount of drugs, and I’d be more than willing to find her some program that might help to restore a bit of her smoked out brain function if I thought it might help.

  I want so much to be pissed at her but I can’t. It’s wrong to hold a grudge against an out of control idiot.

  “Alice?” I swallow my irritation and try one last time. “Will you please tell me what kind sound Riley wants?”

  She shrugs her thin shoulders. “I have no idea. Can we talk about the guy now?”

  “No.” I put my head in my hands and think about the leftover Percocet I’ve got stashed in the back of my bedroom closet from when I had my appendix removed. I’m totally gonna pop that when I get home. “I just want to finish the set up before Riley gets back.”

  “I think he said we were going for a tube sound.” A familiar voice says behind me.

  My heart sinks into my stomach and the urge to vomit surges back.

  I turn in my chair and see Micah standing behind me with a huge grin on his face..

  *****

  “Holy shit,” Alice jumps out of her chair and bounds toward Micah with a demented look on her face. “You’re Micah Eigen. Creep City? Right? Holy shit.”

  “Oh, fucking fuck.” The edges of my headache turn razor sharp and start sawing straight through to the center of my brain. This just can’t be happening. Not this guy. Please, dear dawg and all that his holy, don’t let this be happening to me right now. Not Mr. McSpankyPants. I do not want to see this guy again.

  “Hi.” He gives me a little wave.

  I stand up as a rush of panic and raw nerve moves through me. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

  “Recording session? What about you?” Micah crosses his arms over his chest and gives me a determined look.

  “Is this some kind of joke?” I scoff. “Did you follow me here?”

  Alice is standing between us looking like she’s smack in the middle of the world’s most interesting game of tennis.

  “My my fuck!” Her eyes light up and I know my little brainiac’s finally figured it out. “This is the guy? Oh dude, you can totally do better than Janie.”

  “Alice, go start the coffee and take a shower.” I give her a little pinch on her arm to get her moving along. “And wash your hair. It looks like you’ve got bugs in it.”

  “Did you really fuck my sister?” She snickers. “And spank her? Janie? Why didn’t you ever
tell me you liked to be spanked? I guess it makes sense now that I think about it.”

  “Alice?” I pinch her again.

  “What?” She gives my hand a swat.

  “Take a shower before I drag you outside and turn the hose on you.”

  Alice turns around and bares her teeth at me before leaving the room. Her stink, unfortunately lingers in her wake.

  I stand up, flip the switch that wakes up the monitors and start moving across the room in the direction I figure my brother would want to go. It’s the only think of to do.

  “If you give her five minutes she’ll have the coffee going.” The words came out awkward and stilted but I really didn’t give a shit. I just wanted this to be over. “You should go before she breaks into the donuts.”

  “I don’t eat donuts.”

  “They’re not for you.” I announce. “My brother likes to eat sugary crap while he works and I live over a bakery. I get them at a discount because I pay my rent early.”

  “That’s very sisterly of you.” He laughs. “And neighborly.”

  “I’m not in the mood for small talk.” I stand next to three compressors and feel my confidence slide out from under me. “I just have to get the studio ready.”

  Micah sits down in my chair and runs a hand across his jaw. “You left before I woke up.”

  “Well, that’s kind of how a one night stand work.” I turn the compressor on and wait for the needles to move before moving on. “I told you it was a one-time only situation.”

  “I guess I just assumed that one-time only included breakfast.”

  I didn’t have to turn around to see the hurt in his eyes since his voice was rife with it. “I wasn’t hungry.”

  “And your name’s Janie? Not Jane?” He asks.

  “It’s Jane. Alice just calls me that to piss me off.”

  “You didn’t have to leave.” He stands up and crosses over to me.

  “Please, don’t start,” I whisper.

  “I didn’t want you to leave.”

  “Me leaving didn’t have anything to do with what you did or didn’t want. I woke up and wanted to go home. End of story.” I put my hand out to stop him from moving any closer. I don’t actually trust either one of us to not act on impulse. “I’m not messing with the microphones. Riley’s very particular about what he uses.”

  “Fine.”

  “Should I assume you want to have him use the Thermionic Culture?” I move past him so I can flip the switch on the mixer. “What about the Vulture? Do you think he’s going to want it on?”

  “Yes.”

  “I need to go.”

  “Again?” He raises an eyebrow at me and I swear I can hear disapproval in his voice.

  “You do realize that I don’t have to explain myself to you just because I fucked you?” It’s not a question I need him to answer but I give him the chance to pull himself back from the land of pricks and jerks.

  “I am aware of that but I still think it was shitty of you to bug out on me like that. Kinda makes you look like a chicken shit.”

  “A chicken shit?” I narrow my gaze and realized that he and I need to get a few things clarified right now. “Look, you and I slept together. It was great-”

  “It was more than great.”

  “Fine. It was more than great-“

  “You told your sister that it was mind-blowing.” He interrupts.

  Once again I’m losing control of the situation and he’s turning it into cuteness and fluff.

  He’s an asshole and I’m really starting to like him. Fucking fuck.

  “Fine! It was mind-blowing.” All I can go is agree and try to steer the direction back to the matter at hand. “It was awesome, mind-blowing sex.”

  “And you have a problem with awesome, mind-blowing sex?”

  “I have a problem with getting involved.”

  Micah shoves his hands deep into his pockets and gazes at the wall behind me.“Can you tell me why?”

  “No,” I say, “I’m not going to explain myself to you. I thought I’d already made that clear to you?”

  “Do you have a boyfriend or something? Maybe a husband I need to know about?”

  “No, no boyfriend. No husband.” I grit my teeth. My head pounds harder in my ears. At least I think it’s my head. Maybe if I have a stroke Micah will stop talking.

  “Girlfriend?”

  “And you please stop interrupting me?”

  “Why would I stop interrupting when all you’re going to do is tell me to fuck off?”

  “I wasn’t going to say it like that.” I press my hands to my forehead and try to pull myself back together. “Now you’re just making me sound like a bitch.”

  “You could just fess up to the fact that you might want me sticking around for a while. It might make you feel better?”

  “All you need to do it stay long enough to lay a few tracks down and then you can be on your way.”

  “If that’s your attitude, I suppose I shouldn’t have bought the loft.”

  “You can’t be serious.” The pounding turns into throbbing. I’m gonna have to snort a Vicodan to get rid of the pain in my head.

  “You really need to stop taking yourself so seriously. My parents are just a few hours north of here and I needed to get out of L.A.”

  “You’re a permanent resident?” The little floating stars are back in front of my eyes and throwing up on his Converse sneakers is becoming a serious possibility as the seconds tick by. “I need a cup of coffee.”

  *****

  I’m standing at the coffee maker waiting for the pot to fill and trying to decide what I’m supposed to do now. Seeing Micah again wasn’t on my list. It’s not how I operate in these kinds of situations and I don’t like it.

  This is the reason I never fulfilled my childhood wish for a dog. Dogs sit around expecting something. Demands and attention. I have a hard enough time staying focused long enough to get my clothes washed.

  I have a cat. A grumpy, aloof, leave-me-alone kind of cat that shits in the bathtub when I don’t feed it on time. It’s the most complicated, long term relationship I’ve ever had.

  I’m still at the coffee maker staring at it like an idiot when I hear the bathroom door shut behind me. I turn around to see my sister. She’s laughing. Presumably at me.

  “Don’t even start, Alice.”

  “How the hell did you manage to get that guy into bed?”Alice closes in on me and the box of pastries. “I mean, he’s really fucking hot.”

  “Thanks for the compliment.”

  “Oh, don’t get all bitchy with me.”

  “How am I supposed to get?”

  “Look, Janie, that guy is used to screwing the brains out of supermodels and reality show contestants not bartenders.”

  I was about to say something me not being all that ugly when I stopped. Fighting about my looks with my younger, prettier, wild child baby sister wasn’t going to make my situation an better. And she had one hell of a good point.

  Even with my punk rock lineage guys like Micah Eigen were way out of my league.

  I was the bartender.

  “I am aware of my physical shortcomings. You don’t have to point them out every time you breeze into town. Speaking of breezing into town, why are you here?”

  “Oh no, you’re not going to distract me. I already took my Adderall.”

  “Good to know.”

  “How did you hook up with him?” She pulls a cruller out of the box and waves it at me like a donut dildo. “And tell me the truth or I’ll go ask him.”

  “He was at the bar. He asked me out and things just sort of went from there. Can we change the record now?”

  “No. Are you going to see him again?” she asks.

  “Only until Riley shows up and then no, I’m never seeing him again.”

  “What if he shows up at the bar? What are you going to do?” Alice is starting to look a little too pleased with her sharp line of questioning. Too bad I’ve already got all the
answers I’m going to need. “I don’t think you’re really thought this out very well, Sister.”

  “I’ll make him a drink and kindly ignore him.” I reach into the cabinet and grab a cup. I’ve already had enough coffee to stop a horse’s heart but why stop now? Especially since everything’s going so well.

  “That’s stupid.”

  “Well, maybe I like being a stupid person.” I say as I check the sugar bowl.

  “He likes you. I can see it in his eyes.”

  “Okay, you need to cut this shit out right fucking now. He does not like me. He likes having sex with people.”

  “And you’re a people.”

  “Yes. I’m a people. One people on a long list of peoples and that is all it is.” I take the coffee pot off the element long enough to pour myself a cup but not fast enough to keep it from dripping onto the hot pad and stinking up the kitchen. “I need you to drop it. I’m getting a head ache.”

  “Fine,” She sighs. “I guess it doesn’t really matter. At least it doesn’t matter anymore. ”

  “Good lord, now what?”

  ”Come with me.” She turns around, grungy bleach blond hair blazing a bath straight back to the bathroom. “I have a surprise.”

  I can only assume she’s dragged home some greasy party boy or a rabid ferret for Riley to have to deal with. Either one will keep her entertained for a few days so it’s kind of a win-win situation for me.

  “Alice, what have you done?” I laugh as she holds the door open for me.

  “I didn’t do anything.” She rushes past me, heads to the tub and throws the shower curtain back. “This happened all by itself.”

  I take a step closer. “What is that?” There’s a man lying curled up on his side in the tub and he looks very familiar.

  For the second time this morning my heart plummets into my stomach.

  “You mean who is that.” She perches herself on the edge of the tub, curling her arms under her legs and gazing down at her new pet.

  “Fine. Who is that and what is that doing in the downstairs tub.”

  “That is Adrian Eigen and I believe he is sleeping it off.” She reaches into the tub and gives the newest arrival in Bizarro Land a gentle pat on the head.