Because of Logan

by Erica Alexander

  “What did you say?”

  I can’t help the smile on my face. Not a happy one, but a smile I know says more than words ever could.

  “I said, ‘Yes, I have something to say. I don’t ever want to see you or that cheating bitch again. Fuck you both.’ And then I hung up.”

  “I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry, Logan.”

  “I’m not. I’m glad. I might have married her before I figured out what was happening and their plans for me.”

  “Jesus. I can’t believe anyone could do something like this to anyone, much less their own child.”

  “He was never really a father. I don’t think he’s capable of love.”

  “Did they leave you alone after that?”

  “Oh, no. Nothing is that easy. Amanda showed up a couple of hours later. She put on an act worthy of an Oscar. Denying it up and down, saying she loved me, that she’d never cheat on me, and that whoever told me she was cheating lied. She talked and talked and even managed some tears. I just sat right here on this couch and watched her performance. Didn’t say a word. Then she tried to have sex. Stripped in the middle of the living room. I let her. When she was completely naked, I picked up all her clothes, walked to the front door, and tossed them all onto the porch. She was screaming then. I walked back to her, got a hold of her arm, and walked her outside and closed the door in her face.”

  Skye’s hand covers her mouth and her expression is one between horrified and mirthful.

  “She started banging on the door and threatening to call the police on me. Tell the cops I attacked her.”

  Skye's eyes never leave me.

  “I opened the door again. She was still naked and tried to walk back into the house. I blocked her with my body. She switched from anger to tears again and asked why I didn’t believe her.”

  “Didn't your father tell her you saw them?”

  “I guess he didn't connect my calling her a cheater with my knowing about them.”

  The look on Amanda’s face is still fresh in my memory, even after all this time.

  “I said, ‘I saw you. I saw you both fucking on my bed. Save your breath. There will be no wedding. There will be no new company. Find another guy to take the fall for you and my father. Never call me again. Never come here again. Never even think about me again. We’re done.’ Then I closed the door again. She kicked at it a few times, cursed, and I imagine gathered her clothes before she left since there was nothing left outside the next day.”

  “Why do I have a feeling there's more to this story?”

  “Because there was. My father’s threats came hours later. He demanded I go home. Then he demanded I get over it and get back to Amanda. He made threats against me. He made threats against my brother. He made threats against my mother. He tried everything he could think of. Tried to get me kicked out of school too. Said he wouldn’t pay for my tuition. I expected that. But by then, my grandma had gotten wind of what had happened and intervened. Mrs. Iris next door knows everything that happens in the neighborhood. She heard Amanda and called Grandma. Grandma called, and I gave her the short and clean version of it. She sent a check to Riggins to cover the rest of my tuition until I graduated and also made a very generous donation in the name of my grandfather.”

  Grandpa had been a Riggins alumnus, and it was another reason I wanted to go there. All the stories he told me about Riggins when I was a kid. I just knew Riggins was it for me. I never even applied anywhere else.

  “And that was it then? They gave up?”

  “No, not for a long time. Both of them kept trying to make me change my mind. Amanda even tried to convince me she was pregnant. I knew it was a lie. And if she was pregnant, it sure as hell wouldn’t be mine. We’d never had unprotected sex, and it had been weeks since we’d been together.”

  “What about your mother? Did you tell her?”

  “Not at first. But there was enough going on that I’m sure she knew. My father traveled often, and I’m sure he had mistresses. They didn’t share a bedroom. I didn’t even know it was not normal for married couples to have separate bedrooms until I went over to a friend’s house when I was five or six and realized his parents shared a bed.”

  “Why would your mom stay? Why not just take you and your brother and leave?”

  “That’s a question I’ve asked myself and her many times, and the answer was always that I wouldn’t understand. But looking back, my mom is completely under his control. Mom never told me any of this, but my grandma did. My parents met when she was seventeen and a freshman in college. He’s fifteen years older than her. But he was attractive and charming. She was young and naïve, far from home, and fell under his spell. They got married a year later, and she was pregnant with me a few months into the marriage and dropped out of college. Mom was twenty when I was born. She was isolated from her family and her friends. My father controlled every aspect of her life. She was madly in love with him. I don’t think he ever loved her back. I don’t think he’s capable of love. My grandparents tried to be a part of our life as much as they could. Living in different states made it harder, but they visited more often after I was born. My father tolerated their presence, and they tried to visit when he was away on business trips and my mother was left behind with Liam and me when we were babies. As we got older, my grandparents would take us back to Vermont to spend time with them. My father conceded. Not so much so that we could spend time with them, but because he didn’t want to deal with two boys eager to get their father’s attention.”

  “I don’t know what to say. That’s a terrible way to grow up.”

  “We really didn’t know any different. Some of our friends went away to boarding school. We thought we were lucky to have two homes, one with our parents and one with our maternal grandparents. My father’s parents died before I was born. Not until I was eleven or twelve did I begin to see all the ugly in my family, but I was a kid and still trying to win my father’s affection. It was easy to ignore the ugly parts.”

  “Are your parents still together now, after all that?”

  “As far as I know, they’re still living in the same house. I never went back home. To be honest, I speak more often with Mary, our cook, than I ever did with my parents. She calls me every week, lets me know what’s happening, and gives me news of my brother too. He keeps her up on what’s happening with him when he can reach out.”

  “You’re not close to your brother either?”

  “We are, or were, very close growing up. But I left for college and he was still in high school. And my father was always harder on him than me. Liam didn’t conform as much. I expected him to join me at Riggins. That’s something we’d always talked about, but he enlisted in the navy instead. I’ve only seen him a handful of times since he enlisted. He’s a medic with the marines now and doesn’t come home often.”

  “And I thought I had it bad with Blake. I wish I could do or say something to make it all go away.”

  I smile then, a real smile. I know exactly what she can do and say to get my mind off the past.

  “You can say my name. Multiple times. While you’re naked. Under me.”

  She does just that.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  It’s been a week since the day we ran into Blake and Logan told me about his ex. I think about it often and thank God for the caring parents we have. River and I are so lucky to have parents who support and care for us. As crazy as Mom may be sometimes, and as many times as she’s embarrassed me and River, I’ve never felt unloved by her.

  Luckily, I haven’t seen Blake since. I hope Logan’s veiled threat is enough to keep him away from me and his mouth shut. River was so livid when I told her about it that she actually looked him up on the student directory to send him an email and remind him of her threat of cutting off his balls. I had to convince her it was best not to make any threats using school email since balls cutting is illegal and all.

  That’s River. My vigilant sister. I hope she doesn’t
run into him either. Dad hates when he has to wear his lawyer hat. And I didn’t plan bail money into this month’s budget.

  Bruno is feeling left out since Logan’s taking up all my free time. I don’t want to be one of those girls who forgets her friends when she has a boyfriend. We still talk in class, but we haven’t hung out in a while. Logan’s working tonight, so it will be the perfect opportunity to do something together. I want to ask him about Sidney. They’ve been dating for a while now. He hasn’t talked about his long-distance relationship recently, and I’m worried that not all is well with them. Bruno loves telling me all about Sidney, but he only does it when it’s just the two of us, and we haven’t had much one-on-one lately. I hope that’s just it, but I have a gut feeling there may be more to Bruno’s silence about it.

  “Are you ready?”

  River’s voice brings me back to reality.

  “Are you okay? You’ve been sitting there for the last five minutes holding that shoe but not putting it on.”

  I look at my hands and down at my feet, and sure enough, I have one pink and gray sneaker on but not the other. I put my shoe on and lace it.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking.”

  “Uh-oh. Everything okay with Logan? You didn’t have a fight, did you?”

  Just hearing his name puts a goofy smile on my face.

  “No, not at all. We’ve never had a fight. Not even an argument. It's really easy being with him.”

  “Somebody’s in love,” River teases me.

  “I think I am, River.”

  I stand up, and she stands next to me and pulls me into a hug.

  “I’m so happy for you, Sis. Logan is a great guy, and you deserve to be with a great guy.”

  “Thank you. And you do too, River. Why aren’t you dating anyone? You haven’t talked about meeting any cute guys in months.”

  She steps away and turns to the door.

  “Eh, nothing out there. I’m not interested in dating right now.”

  I can’t see her face, but there’s a strain in her voice. It’s so brief and nonchalant that someone else may have never noticed it. But I know my sister and how very protective of her feelings she is. She hates showing any kind of weakness. I don’t know what it will take to break through her walls. All I can do is keep trying.

  “River?”

  “We gotta get going if we want to be on time for the first class. Got everything you need?”

  She’s already opening the door, not looking at me. I follow her outside, and just as I’m about to try again, she beats me to it. River is a master of deflection.

  “So, what were you thinking about before? You’re so out of it. I called your name three times.”

  Had she? I hadn’t heard her.

  “Nothing, really. I was thinking about Bruno. Logan’s working tonight, so Bruno’s coming over for dinner at six. We’re making pizza from scratch. Are you staying in?”

  River goes to the passenger door of our car, unlocks it, and tosses the keys over. I usually drive us to Riggins in the morning. I always get lucky finding parking spots. It doesn’t work if River is driving, only if I am.

  “I have a study group tonight, but I should be back by nine-thirty, ten at the latest. Save me some?”

  “Of course.”

  We could have walked. It’s just about a ten-minute walk to campus, but it’s November and cold. Never mind that I'm Vermont born and raised. The cold and I are not friends.

  “So, what’s the deal with you and Bruno?”

  This again?

  “You know the deal, River. He’s a friend. Just a friend. Nothing more. Guys and girls can be platonic friends. When will you believe me?”

  “I believe you, kind of. In my experience, guys and girls can try to be platonic friends, but one of them ends up wanting more. Every guy friend I’ve ever had, since seventh or eighth grade, has at some point made a pass at me. So maybe you have no interest in Bruno, but I find it hard to believe that with the amount of time you two spend together, there’s nothing on his side.”

  We pull into the RU student parking lot.

  “There’s a spot right there.”

  River points to it.

  “I know, but I think we can find one closer.”

  “At this time in the morning? There’s no fuc—”

  “Ha!”

  Someone pulls out of a spot right on the first row.

  “Told you!”

  “Damn it! Every time! How the hell do you do it?”

  I shrug.

  “I use my woo-woo powers. Some people can find water in the desert. I can find open spots in a full parking lot.”

  I didn’t forget what she said about Bruno. “Okay, first, you are gorgeous, so it’s understandable that guys fall for you. Second, about Bruno. There’s nothing there and never will be. Bruno is crazy in love with Sidney. We really are just friends.”

  She opens the door and grabs our bags before coming around to my side of the car.

  “I’ve never seen this Sidney person. How do I even know she exists?”

  “I’ve met Sidney, remember?”

  “Okay, I’ll take your word for it.”

  I look at my phone and we have seven minutes to get to class. I walk faster, but River, with her longer legs, just keeps at the same pace.

  “And what about Logan?”

  “What about him?”

  “Has he ever said anything about you and Bruno?”

  “No, why would he?”

  “Because Logan’s jealous of him.”

  “No, he’s not.”

  “Yes, he is. You haven’t noticed the way he acts when Bruno is around? Logan always pulls you to his side and puts himself between you and Bruno. And he watches how you two interact like a hawk.”

  I’m about to dismiss what she’s saying, but as I run through my mind whatever interactions we’ve had together, I realize it's true. Logan always puts himself between me and Bruno. I stop and look up at her—this is my building, so we separate here—and her knowing smile tells me she can see I just figured it out.

  She’s walking backward now.

  “Logan is jealous. He may not say anything, but he is.”

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  I’m glad I opened up to Skye. I’ve never shared any of my past with anyone. Liam knows some of it, but I spared him the uglier parts. He'd been deployed somewhere in the Middle East when it happened. Part of me is glad Liam is away from my father and his toxic influence, and part of me is terrified to have my baby brother in the middle of a war zone.

  Logan: Hey, baby brother. Sorry, it’s been a while since I talked to you.

  Logan: I told her about the heartless bitch.

  Logan: It feels like I dropped a thousand-pound weight.

  Logan: I’m…I’m happy, Liam.

  Logan: But I miss you like hell. When will it be over?

  Logan: Come home.

  Liam had just turned nineteen when I cut all ties with my father. He was just a kid. And a tender-hearted one at that. Liam is a nerd at heart. He doesn’t look the part, though.

  The one good thing our father passed on to us is his good looks. I’m not being conceited. I have a mirror, and there were always legions of girls after Liam and me. I’ve been worrying a lot about my brother lately. I haven’t heard from him in a long time. Last time we spoke, he said he was going in deep—whatever that means—and wouldn’t be reachable for a while. It’s been over six months now.

  Liam is the smarter one between the two of us. He has zero interest in joining the family business. For as long as I can remember, all Liam wanted to do was to be a doctor. The kid read medical journals for fun. He watched every medical show on TV, be it fiction or not. He even joined our town’s junior EMTs at fourteen. I didn’t even know such a thing was possible. At fourteen, all I thought about was playing hockey.

  Liam was always trying to rescue every critter he came across—baby birds, stray cats, lost dogs. If it had fur or feathers, he l
oved it. But we weren’t allowed to have pets. My father believes that love makes people vulnerable and pets would make us weak.

  Which I agree with, to an extent. It is true that love does make one vulnerable. But it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Right?

  No one saw it coming when Liam joined the Navy. He didn’t confide in me or anyone else. I wish Liam had reached out to me. I was away at Riggins and still don’t know exactly what happened to make him feel that running away from home and enlisting was the only choice he had.

  When I tried to pry information out of him, he didn’t open up. He said what was done was done and talking about it wouldn’t change anything.

  I know our father had something to do with it. Of that, I’m certain.

  One gets to do a lot of thinking sitting alone inside a squad car. I have to figure a way to reach Liam. Maybe Mary knows how.

  The buzzing sound of my phone brings me back to reality. I glance at it sitting next to the squad laptop. Skye.

  Just seeing her name on the screen makes me happy.

  Skye: Hi.

  Logan: Hey there.

  Skye: Busy?

  Logan: Just sitting here and waiting for someone to run a red light.

  Skye: Or a yellow light . . .