Because of Logan

by Erica Alexander

  “But even then, I was lying to myself. I blocked your name on my phone, but the whole time, I hoped that somehow, a call would get through or that you’d come to me. But you didn’t come to me, and I’m glad you didn’t.”

  She flinches again.

  “I’m glad you didn’t because I would have taken you back, but I would have kept you out. I would have taken you back, but I wouldn’t trust you. I would have taken you back just so no one else could have you, but I would withhold my love.”

  Her eyes mist over.

  “You deserve so much more than someone who isn’t willing to give you his all, and I was that man.”

  My hands ache to touch her, but I hold back.

  “I don’t want to be that man anymore. I want to be the man you deserve, whole and committed to you. Committed to us. I don’t want to hold back anymore. I don’t want to be with you and not be one hundred percent invested in us. I’m not perfect, but I love you. I love you with everything I am, with every cell in my body, with every breath in my lungs. I love you and I need you in my life. I don’t know how to be me without you. I miss you, and I miss the man I am when I’m with you. The man I know I can be.”

  The scent of snow and orange blossoms hangs in the space between us, at odds with each other and yet so perfect together.

  “Please forgive me. I never want to hurt you again.”

  Her fingers curl around the edge of the quilt as if they, too, ache to touch me.

  “I’m a work in progress, Skye.”

  The breeze picks up and swirls around us. Tendrils of golden hair brush my face, as if parts of her are already reaching to touch me. I dare to hope.

  Chapter Sixty-Two

  “I love you,” he says. I know he does. The truth of his words shines in his eyes.

  “Please, Skye, say something.”

  I’m not the same person I was before I met Logan or the same person I was before he broke up with me or got shot. All these versions of me broke away with each strike and revealed a new me, tender and tentative, but lighter, more self-assured.

  I had so many fears, imagined and real. So many things that held me back. I was comfortable in my complacency. Safe in the small space I created for myself.

  Until I wasn’t.

  Until I no longer felt comfortable or safe and was forced to step out.

  Funny thing about stepping from under the protection of living in fear—once I got out from under fear’s cover, I found that the confidence I never thought I had was right outside of it. I learned a lot about myself in the weeks since what I call The Bruno Incident and Logan’s shooting. Once all the things I feared most happened, there was nothing else to be afraid of. I wore my fear like a shield. River wears snark and sarcasm. Logan hides behind control. We all wear shields. Some of us are just better at it than others and choose shields that go unnoticed until something cracks them. And then we’re left to decide.

  Mend the shield or throw it away? Mine was shredded to pieces. I had no choice but to face life and myself without its protection, and once I did, I liked what I saw. I’m not perfect. The urge to retreat, to build a new shield, is there. But I’m working on it, fighting it instead of fighting myself and learning to see my own beauty and worth and value it. I am me and no one else. There’s no one outside of me I can compare to, not even my sister. I can only compare the today version of me to the yesterday version of me and work to make it better.

  “Logan?”

  “Yeah?” His lips are so close to mine, I can taste him in my inhale.

  “I’m a work in progress too.”

  “Maybe we can be a work in progress together.”

  “I’d like that.”

  His hand cups my face and his fingers tremble against my skin.

  “Can I kiss you now?”

  “I love you, Logan.” My lips graze his.

  “I know.”

  Chapter Sixty-Three

  I can’t help the huge smile on my face or the tears that spill over without permission.

  I’m not a crier. I hate crying or getting all sappy.

  Yes, I’m spying on my sister and Logan. I’m making sure I don’t have to step in and kick his ass.

  I’m not close enough to hear anything they’re saying, but I have a great view of them from Skye’s bedroom window.

  I don’t need super-hearing abilities to tell they’re making amends and promises to each other. I can see it in their faces through the bare branches of the willow tree. Had this been any other time of the year, they would have been hidden by the leaves. So I take it as an invitation to watch. If the universe didn’t want me to be a witness, it would not have placed that tree right outside the window and it wouldn’t have been winter.

  I love the way they hold each other and kiss with such urgency.

  Oh.

  Okay, then.

  Time to stop watching.

  It looks like Skye’s fantasy of making love under her willow tree is about to come true.

  All right, moving on.

  I step away from the window with one last glance before going to my own room across the hall.

  My heart aches, both with happiness for Skye and Logan and with dread for myself.

  My heart aches and constricts in my chest, making all that I lost so much more real when I see my sister in love. My heart aches for what I know I’ll never have.

  I think of all the boys I met and dated, and was friends with. I search all the memories and find nothing that compares. And I think of that night, months ago, wishing yet again that it had been different. But instead, I have nothing—just a big black hole where knowing should be.

  Whether it’s a curse or a blessing is yet to be decided.

  Epilogue

  Four years later.

  Family.

  Family is what matters most.

  Skye taught me the true meaning of the word.

  I look at all the happy faces around me.

  River, Skye’s parents, David and Serena, who are more of a father and mother to me than my own ever were, and my baby brother, Liam. I’m surrounded by the people I love most.

  Love may be an abstract thing, without shape, form, or color. But it's not intangible.

  You can feel love.

  You can see love in actions and deeds.

  You can taste love in a home-cooked meal or the kiss of a beautiful and timid pixie of a girl.

  You can hear love in words, in songs, and promises never spoken out loud.

  And you can touch and hold love in your hands.

  One might argue that last one. But no one can dispute the proof of love I hold in my arms right now.

  All five pounds, nine ounces of him. He is undeniable proof that love can be held.

  Times two.

  Skye is next to me, holding his twin. Six pounds even.

  They have our blue eyes and Skye’s fair skin. And a lifetime of unconditional love and support ahead of them.

  Our boys are just three hours old, and they have already taught me more about love than I ever imagined possible.

  After being with Skye for over four years, I thought I knew what love was—and I do. But holding my sons for the first time has expanded that love to immeasurable proportions, and just when I thought I couldn’t love Skye any more than I already do, I found I was wrong.

  Love multiplies. Infinity times infinity times infinity.

  “I love you,” I say to Skye just before I lean in and kiss the downy head of one of our newborns in her arms.

  She smiles. No words needed.

  “Here, you can put this back on.”

  I put the wedding ring she’d had to remove when she’d gone in for the C-section back on her finger. The diamond surrounded by sapphires sparkles on her hand. A promise of forever.

  “I love you too,” she says.

  Indigo and Rebel, our twins, coo in agreement.

  “I still think you should name them River Two and River Three,” the owner of said name pipes
in again.

  There are laughs all around the room.

  We are a family.

  A happy and crazy family.

  My family.

  A Note From The Author

  Dear reader:

  I hope you enjoyed this book. If you did, please consider leaving a brief review.

  Reviews are a writer’s bread and butter. We need them. They help us evaluate our work, and they help us find other readers.

  You can leave a review in one or more of the following:

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  Acknowledgments

  Throughout this journey, from day one I have had many author friends treading the same path as I. One of them stands out a little more than the others.

  She gets to see what I write first, with all the typos and unfinished ideas. Her input and suggestions have always been on point.

  So, thank you Kata Čuić, for all the support, suggestions, and hours spent digging through a raw manuscript and above all, thank you for the honest feedback and friendship.

  Thank you to my good friend and book buddy, Giseli Vargas—you have been with me since the beginning and I’m so glad we found each other.

  Thank you beta readers, the first ones to lay eyes on this book: Giseli, Lisa Salvucci Codianne and Melissa Jones.

  I also need to thank my fellow authors in the Do Not Disturb Book Club. You guys have been a great source of knowledge and support. Dear reader, if you are not in our club, you need to join us. We have loads of fun every day.

  Next, I want to send a shout out to the Ninjas. You know who you are. I can’t wait to see your books on Amazon.

  To my very patient husband and kids. My three boys put up with a messy house, laundry undone, and dinners forgotten while I spent hours upon hours on the computer. I love the three of you more than words can express. Thank you for making my life beautiful.

  And last, but not least, I want to say thanks to you, reading these words right now. Your support allows me to make a reality out of the stories.

  Thank you for the kindness, for telling me the words I’ve written has touched you. You have no idea how meaningful it is to me that something I created has touched you. Because above all, as human beings, what we crave is connection. And words are a beautiful bridge between us.

  Much love,

  Erica.

  Also by Erica Alexander

  Coming Soon

  Because of Liam

  (Because of Liam releases August 2nd.)

  Available Now

  Seventeen Wishes

  If knowing the truth could leave you more broken than believing the lies, would you still want to know it?

  This is a story about a boy and a girl.

  About friendship.

  Secrets.

  Omission.

  Fate.

  About the lies we tell ourselves so we can hold on to hope.

  About the lies we tell those we love to protect them.

  About risking it all and the price one pays when choices are made.

  But above all, this is a story about wishes, love and the hope we hold on to when there’s nothing left to grasp.

  There was never a time when Zac and Lilly hadn’t been in each other’s lives. They are neighbors, playmates, and best friends. But unknown to Lilly, she’s also the love of his life.

  And the reason for Zac’s secrets.

  Erica Alexander has been a storyteller her entire life. If she’s not writing stories, she’s daydreaming them. Which has gotten her in trouble once or twice. She has an inclination to use sarcasm and she can make anything that comes out of her mouth, sound dirty. It’s a gift.

  Erica’s life goals are: to make sure her family is happy and healthy, bring to life all the stories in her head, visit Australia, and jump off a plane. Preferably with a parachute.

  Erica has degrees in Communications and Computer Science and she loves history, all things Native American, and anything that’s off the beaten path and weird.

  You can find Erica at:

  Erica’s Webpage.

  Join Erica’s Reader Group.

  Sign up for her newsletter here.

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