“No, what?”
“I saw a programme on TV once that said serial killers start out by killing small animals.”
“No, I never did that.” I said and her smile widened and she seemed to sit a little straighter, “It seemed a waste of energy to kill those creatures that couldn’t have any chance of fighting back. I satisfied myself with reading stories of great battles and films of war and death.”
“So what finally caused you to kill someone?”
“Well, I grew older as many children do and as I did I realised that the things my peers were interested in were not the same for me.”
“What do you mean?”
“The young adults around me were interested in sex and money and material possessions. They wanted to raise families or own homes. I didn’t care so much for that.”
“I had a healthy interest in sex but I couldn’t grasp the intricate social niceties that were required to find a mate. Material possessions meant nothing to me and so the urge to earn large sums of money was meaningless. As long as I could provide myself with shelter and sufficient food, then I was content.”
“Clothes, jewellery and cars were of no interest and it wasn’t long before I realised that I had no real reason for existing. I was a person alone in the world unable to connect with it and I decided that death would be a release for me.”
“You were suicidal?” Lily asked with concern.
“Suicide was never an option. I considered it then - and still do – a weakness. The idea of taking my own life was as alien to me as the concept of spending time with other people.”
“So what did you do then?”
“I grew angry and frustrated. The world was a dull and painful place to be. I felt no connection to anything or anyone. I wanted nothing and if I chose to look ahead towards the future I could see a half century or more of misery stretching out in front of me.”
“That is when I started to resent the lives other people led. The lives where they could have families and friends. Peace and happiness. I was perhaps a little envious.”
“You were jealous, that’s why you killed people?” Lily said with the frown back in place.
“No, I killed my first person because I was irritated.” I said with a smile at the memory, “I had been considering killing someone for a while. Death was meaningless to me and I saw no reason why people should be scared of it. I decided that I wanted to remove some of the happiness that I was denied. That didn’t happen though.”
“Why not? What happened?”
“I was in the process of deciding how I was going to do it, where and who to. I happened to be walking along the busy high street and some junkie decided to snatch the purse of an old lady. In his rough haste, he pushed her into me and knocked a cup of coffee from my hand. It irked me.
“It irked you?” she said flatly.
“Yes. I was in a perpetual state of frustrated anger and his irritating me was the catalyst for that to become a rage. I gave chase to, and eventually cornered him. In my almost blind rage I killed him in that dark, refuse filled alleyway.” I said quietly, my thoughts flowing back to that day.
“I take it no one saw you.”
“No.”
“What happened then?” she asked equally quietly.
“It was like someone flicked a switch. The world that had previously been so dull and lifeless filled with vibrant colour. The anger and irritation fled and for the first time in my life, I felt alive and connected to someone else.”
“To the man you killed?”
“Yes. He and I had shared something profound, something that no one else could be a part of. It was an intimacy unlike anything I had ever experienced and it felt incredible.”
“So you kept doing it?”
“I had no choice.” I said, voice barely above a whisper. The baring of my very being was much more painful than I had expected and I felt a great deal of concern that Lily would not like my answer to her question.
“Why did you have no choice?”
“Because the feeling didn’t last.” I sighed, “It faded and all too soon the pain and the misery came flooding back, the world lost its brightness and I felt like a man who had been blind all of his life and given sight, just to have it denied once more. I needed to see again, to feel that just once more. I craved it. It became my addiction.”
I finished speaking and stared down at the table, my head bowed as I refused to look at Lily and see the disgust in her face, to feel her condemnation.
“Killing the zombies isn’t the same?” she asked finally.
“No.” I said as I still refused to meet her gaze. “There’s a certain joy and satisfaction there, but no connection. No true feeling of oneness or intimacy.”
“What about the live people you have killed because they tried to hurt us?”
“No.” I said, barely a whisper.
I heard her slide her chair back from the table and stand, her footsteps seemed to echo through the darkened room as she walked around to stand beside me.
“What about Emma?” she asked gently.
“What about her?”
“You were alone with her. You had no reason to bring her along with you and you certainly had no one stopping you from ending her life any time you chose. Why did you save her?”
“I don’t hurt children. I have no interest in it. They have a joy for life that I have only ever experienced when I killed. That is something to protect and not to remove or defile.” I said.
“That is why I believe you are a good person deep down.” Lily said as she placed her arm around my shoulders. “You lack something and you cannot help that. You can control yourself though and choose not to kill people. You can find another way to connect with the world, I know you can.”
“You do?”
“I do and I want to help you find that connection. We’ll find that connection together.”
“Why would you care so much? Why not just send me away?” I asked, strangely terrified that she would do just that.
“Because you saved me when you didn’t have to, because you kept your promise to me and because when I needed someone as the world collapsed around me, the person who was there to keep me alive and safe, was you.” She said and I could sense her smile as her arm tightened around my shoulders.
“You can tell me that you kept me alive because you needed me but you came back for me when things went wrong at the golf course, you saved a child when you had no need to and every time I have needed you, you’ve been there.”
“Whether you chose to believe it or not, you aren’t beyond hope.”
Chapter 13
The tap, tap, tap of hail on the apartment window just before dawn woke me from a less than restful slumber. I lay on the couch with the quilt wrapped tightly around my body and enjoyed the warmth it provided.
I knew, that I needed to get up and do something productive but I also wanted to enjoy as much of the warmth as possible before doing so. I told myself that it had nothing to do with avoiding Lily at all.
Despite the previous evenings talk, I felt no different for sharing intimate details of my life with someone. I had heard numerous times over the years how sharing was supposedly beneficial and unburdening oneself was a cathartic experience. I couldn’t say that it had done anything except embarrass me.
The sound of the apartment door opening and closing quietly was a good indication that Lily also wanted to avoid another conversation, though she could also have just been being polite and trying not to wake me.
It was all very confusing and having never spoken intimately with another person before, I had no real concept of how to progress. Did I nod solemnly as we passed each other during the day, a quiet acknowledgment of our shared bonding experience?
Perhaps I would be required to sit through our next meal together as she reciprocated with an intimate tale of her own. Or was I required to pretend it had never happened and uncomfort
ably change the subject if it was ever brought up? That was my preferred choice.
Everything about the previous evenings talk was new ground for me. From the sharing of private details to the long hug I had grudgingly received after I had finished speaking. I wondered if she had expected me to cry from the release at that point.
Needless to say I was feeling less than eager to face her and the irritation, the sourness of my mood was still with me. The release I needed wouldn’t be achieved with a quiet talk over a bowl of beans. No, I still had a very real need to perform a kill.
With a groan, I pushed back the covers and climbed to my feet. My whole body was stiff and aching and I spent the first five minutes stretching out the kinks in my muscles. If nothing else, finding a mattress would be a priority.
A brief trip to the bathroom took care of my immediate needs and I left the apartment in search of some food. As I walked I ran my fingers through the stubble on my face. It was past time for a shave and likely a haircut, not to mention a shower and a change of clothing.
With no hot water for the foreseeable future, it would be something that I may have to be denied. A fact that raised a grimace and was yet another item to add to the ever growing list of things to be dealt with.
When I arrived downstairs I was handed a far too small bowl of porridge by a smiling Julie who seemed a little put out that I wouldn’t stay and speak with her. Since I had little desire to speak to anyone I wandered across the lawn to the water’s edge and stared out over the lake at the distant town of Windermere.
“Seems a little quieter today.” Pat said as he walked up behind me.
“Yes,” I responded, barely more than a grunt.
“We’re heading out looking for wood again.”
“Ok.”
“You coming?”
“I think not. I have some other things to do.”
“Alright then.” he said. “You going looking for the other people?”
“Other people?” I asked, interest perked as I glanced over to him.
“Yeah, the other two who set off north didn’t come back. Lily was on about sending another group out to look for them.”
“Then perhaps that is something I shall do.” I said thoughtfully as I considered the chance of something slightly more interesting than chores.
Pat continued making small talk that I rudely ignored as I contemplated the island to the north. It could be a coincidence and anything at all could have happened to the two missing people, but the looted homes full of dead bodies with bullet holes in them all in the same area as a group of armed deserters? It wasn’t too big a stretch of the imagination to realise that they may be connected.
“What did you say?” I asked as I realised he had been seeking my attention.
“I said, are you ok?”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
“You really don’t seem like yourself.”
“No? Well it has been a stressful time of late. I am sure that is all.” I said weakly.
“Aye, maybe. Look I have to go but let me know if you need anything. Ok?” Pat said with such a look of concern that I wanted to laugh at him.
“Of course.” I assured him.
“Right then, time to find some wood. See you later pal.” He gave a small wave and I watched him walk away with a slight smile on my face.
I had no real idea why he cared if anything was wrong with me or not and I soon put it out of my mind as I went in search of Lily to let her know I was going to help look for the missing group members.
When I found her she was in the middle of another argument with Matthew and I waited as patiently as I could for them to finish. I kept my hand on my knife and watched quietly amused as Matthew grimaced when he saw me.
Argument finished, Matthew rushed away without a word to me and Lily turned to me wearily, though she flashed a smile as she approached.
“How are you this morning?” she asked.
“I am fine.” Why did everyone keep asking me that? “I understand we are missing some members of the group.”
“Yeah,” She said and her smile faded, “Leon and Jenny followed the road north yesterday and haven’t returned. They shouldn’t have been heading out far enough to have to camp out in some abandoned property and I’m getting worried.”
“You want me to go look for them?”
“If you take someone else with you.” Lily said with a knowing look. “Cass would be willing to go and most people are still being silly about working with her anyway.”
“They still think she will infect them?” I asked with a laugh that was entirely natural. The idiocy of people never ceased to amaze me.
“Seems like it.” She agreed, “So are you going to take Cass along or are you staying here to help out?”
“I am sure her company will be very welcome.” I said and received another smile in return.
“Oh, I’m sure it will be.” She stepped forward and put her arms around me to embrace me in a not unpleasant hug. “Take care of yourself and Cass.” She whispered, “I’d send more people with you if I could but we can’t spare anyone else.”
“It will be fine. The less people I have to worry about the better.” I said.
“Good. Have you eaten?” she asked and I nodded as I wondered when she would release me from the hug. “Then get yourself off and you better be back before dark.”
“Whatever you say.” I agreed as she finally let go and stepped back. “What about the car? Can we use it?”
“No, that’s being used to get the final load of stuff from the houses we found.”
“That will make our task somewhat slower,” I said thoughtfully.
“Well if you find anything roadworthy then by all means use it.”
“I suppose so.” I agreed with a sigh.
With little else to say that would be relevant I left Lily to her work and went in search of Cass.
When I found her on the first floor, she was in the midst of a heated discussion with one of Jim’s little religious followers so I stood back and watched as they argued. I soon grew bored and my attention wandered so I missed most of what was said but the general gist seemed to be a general dislike of the infected and the infected person’s gay brother.
In my mind I was planning out a route that would take us north without being seen by whoever was watching from the island in the lake and so I missed the reason why Cass slapped the religious woman quite hard, across the face.
“What was that about?” I asked as the religious woman stormed off with a hand pressed against the growing red mark on her cheek.
“Stupid cow deserved that.” Cass said with more than a little heat as she stared after the woman. “No one can say shit like that about my brother.”
“She has a problem with Gregg?”
“Yeah, those idiots have decided that the end of the world is divine judgment for our sinful ways.” She shook her head vigorously from side to side, “I can’t believe that people can still be so hateful when we have goddamn zombies to worry about.”
“I have never doubted that the world is full of incredibly stupid people.” I agreed.
“Yeah.” She looked towards me, “Did you want me for something or were you just avoiding work?”
“It seems that two members of our little group of refugees are missing and I have been asked to look for them. Lily suggested you may like to come along with me.”
“Not a problem. I’ll be happy to get away from here for a bit.” Cass said with one last look back the way the woman had run off, “Do we need anything before we go?”
“Some kind of weapon would be useful but other than that we should be fine.” I suggested.
“No problems, I’ll meet you by the road in five minutes.” She said and set off at a brisk walk towards her apartment.
Since I was still wearing all of the clothing I currently owned and had my knife sheathed on my belt, I had nothing to gather so headed
down the stairs towards the main door.
I didn’t particularly care if I found the missing people but it would be a relief to get away from the group. Even hidden away in my apartment I was aware of so many people around me all of the time and it was wearying.
There was also the chance I would bump into the deserters or some other live people who would give me an excuse to kill them. With that happy thought held firmly in the forefront of my mind, I left the apartment block and went to wait beside the road for Cass.
Chapter 14
The road followed the edge of the lake for several miles, oftentimes with just a simple wall preventing us stepping off of the road and into the cold lake waters. To the right of us as we travelled along the road was the lake and to the left dense trees and bushes that covered the land as it rose steeply.
We made the journey slowly, wary for hidden danger and keeping a sharp eye out for the missing group mates.
About an hour after we had set off, the trees and underbrush fell away from the side of the road which veered away from the waters’ edge. The result was a narrow strip of road leading through an open area with no shelter on either side.
“What do you think?” Cass asked, voice barely above a whisper as she crouched beside the road.
I answered without taking my eyes from the road ahead, “We have little choice. We can head up the hill to the tree line or keep following the road and be out in the open for anyone to see.”
“No zombies that I can see.”
“Which is a concern. There should be some undead out here. We have found them everywhere else.” I said with a glance across at the island still clearly visible in the lake. If anyone were watching, they would be on that island.
“Leon and Jenny would have followed the road.” Cass said.
“Lead on then.” I said with a slight smile as she swore and stood up.
“Ok, watch out for any cars. I’m sick of walking already.”
“I certainly shall.” I said agreeably as she strode ahead of me.
Cass had a purposeful stride and a sure step, her already lean form had become more so as the days passed and the rations grew smaller.
Killing the Dead (Books 4-6) Page 8
