A Family For Christmas

by Jordan Silver

  It was as though everyone had stored up their words of sorrow and the intervening years didn’t seem to make a difference. I’d already had enough so if she thought I was stepping foot off this estate until it was time to leave she was nuts.

  “I need that fudge for the party tomorrow night. Your sister was supposed to pick it up but she got stuck at the office and your dad has his hands full at the hospital. It’s just a quick run to the mall in Manchester.”

  “That’s what I don’t understand, why couldn’t you get fudge here? Why do I have to go more than an hour away in this mess?” I was dragging on my boots even as I griped halfheartedly at her.

  “I will have you know that that horrible Millie Thorne served their fudge at one of our teas just last month and it was all the rage. Now she thinks she has one upped me since she refused to say where she got it.”

  “So how do you know she got it there?”

  “Easy. I got Aggie to ask her cook and voila.” Aggie was her personal servant and her damn spy. It used to be a running joke in the family that the kids had two mothers. What ma’s friends didn’t snitch, the servants of the other families would tell Aggie and there would be hell to pay.

  “So now, I’m off to where is it again?”

  “The Mall of New Hampshire. It’s in Manchester. Don’t speed son and take your time. Walk around I hear they do a spectacular job at the holidays. Take some pictures. I bet it’s a sight to behold. And son try to enjoy.” I rolled my eyes behind her head but didn’t argue. I kissed her hair before heading out to my truck.

  I’d flown in on my private jet and had a truck waiting for me at the airstrip. I didn’t let myself think of the drive ahead. I’d avoided the town of Manchester for a reason. It was there that I had awakened that morning four years ago in the rustic little inn with no recollection of the night beyond checking in.

  I started up the truck and resigned myself to the trip ahead. If the memories hadn’t become clear after all this time there was no reason to believe they will now. I guess I’d just have to put them away now and move on.

  It wasn’t until that very moment as I drove towards the town that I realized that night was the reason I hadn’t been able to truly move on. Yes, the grief and sorrow of my loss had held me back some. But in four years, I haven’t been able to even look at a woman and there had been plenty offers.

  Each time I felt the need, or even came close to inviting a woman into my bed, that night would raise its ugly head and I’d be left alone with my thoughts and a nagging feeling in my gut. If I knew who she was, I would’ve searched her out, but I had no idea where to start. All I had was the memory of her scent, but not even so much as the color of her hair had stayed with me.

  For all that, she had a hold on me-my mystery woman. For a while there, I questioned if every woman I met could be her. I didn’t know who she was but what about her? Did she remember me, or was I just one in a long line of lovers? For all I know, she had gone on with her life while I have been stuck in limbo.

  Maybe when I return to New York, I’ll try to put this behind me and live a little outside the office and my workroom. Maybe it was time to shut down these memories and release myself from the strange hold they have over me.

  I’d only mentioned the memories of that night to one person. They’d suggested hypnosis of all things but somehow it felt wrong to remember that way. If that night did happen, then I wanted those memories to come to me.

  I’d already put aside the guilt of sleeping with someone else so soon after losing my wife. I had no doubt that it was the alcohol mixed with grief that had led me down that road. So though I’d borne some guilt in the beginning, I’d long forgiven myself.

  I guess the hardest part for me was not knowing. I’d got myself tested after that night and came up clean, but there was no doubt in my mind that I had made love to this woman whoever she was, without protection. It was evident by her juices that had dried all over my cock.

  I made it to the mall in record time and sat in the over crowded parking lot gearing myself up to face the madness inside. It had been a while since I’d been to a mall or anywhere shopping for that matter. These days, I had a personal assistant who took care of those things.

  In the four years since my life had been torn apart, I had put even more of myself into my work. After the move to New York, I had thrown it all in and it had paid off. Between investments and trading, I’d landed a huge contract my first year there. The developer who’d had an interest in my work since college was only too pleased to learn I was headed his way and decided to snap me up before anyone else got wind of it.

  What had started out as one job had turned into a full fledge partnership that spanned a few continents around the globe. I purposely kept myself busy so that I never had time to think. Now, at thirty-four when other men were settling down to family life, I’d already done my stint and was never going back there again. That was something I had on the new up and coming architects in my field I guess. I had no distractions, no obligations other than the job.

  Since I now headed my own firm with my name on the door, it didn’t really matter because I called the shots. Now when my family was gone, I had all the time in the world and nothing to do with it. No one to spend it with.

  I slammed out of the Mercedes G-Class when my thoughts were getting to be too much. I’d rather face whatever madness was going on in there than sit out here with my own thoughts.

  Two things blasted me in the face as soon as I stepped out onto the snow-covered ground. The loud Christmas carol that escaped each time someone opened the door leading into the mall, and the cold wind that carried flurries of icy snow with it.

  Pulling up the collar of my cashmere jacket, I headed for the door, my only thought of getting in and out. I braced myself for the hit to the gut and kept my eyes focused straight ahead. I’d Google checked the store location and knew exactly where I was going and had no plans on stopping in between.

  There were a million kids dragging their mothers or fathers by the arm, all seemingly headed in the same direction and I did my best to stay out of the way. Jingle bells rock blasted from the speakers, lights winked on and off from every available surface and there were about ten decorated Christmas trees in the one hallway I was now walking down.

  I saw the great attraction when I turned the corner and saw the huge sleigh up ahead surrounded by fake snow and reindeer. The man who sat there, reins in hand, looked like everyone’s imagination of what his namesake should and I guess it was a toss up between whether it was him or the mountain of gift wrapped goodies in sacks at the foot of that sleigh that was the cause of all the hullabaloo.

  I had to go by all that to get to the candy shop, but at least they were trying to have some semblance of order with the line- forming thing. I was halfway past the line that stretched the length of one hall and wrapped around to the other when I got that prickling feeling.

  I almost stopped in my tracks. But I knew it was only because I was here...in this town- at this time. It’s the reason I was set on avoiding this place. Somehow, I knew the feelings would be stronger here, especially now so soon to the anniversary of when it happened.

  I ignored the sensation of being close to something monumental and hurried my pace in the hopes of getting to the store and picking up ma’s orders quickly and getting the hell out of here. The farther down that hallway I went the more I felt it. I looked sharply around for anyone that may be looking my way but that wasn’t so easy in a crowd this size.

  Something caught my eye as I perused my surroundings. There was a figure up ahead in the distance. I couldn’t see much but the golden locks of her head. That hair, with the lights from the trees glancing off of it sparked something in my mind. I don't know what, I don't know this person; do I? Still my feet kept going as if without my permission.

  As I drew nearer, my breath sped up, my skin prickled and the hairs on my arm stood on end. I grew light headed, as if I were about to pass out. Some pa
rt of that night flashed behind my eyes and I knew I had to stop this person whoever she was. I knew it was a woman from the hair, but the ugly wool coat that swallowed her small frame hid her body.

  There was something about her height, the way she moved her body. As I got within a few feet that sweet vanilla scent hit me, and the world spun. My rod grew hard instantly and I reached out to touch her shoulder. She turned around, and her eyes grew round with the surprised look people get when they see something they’re not expecting.

  She looked down and away suddenly, and tried hiding behind her golden brown hair.

  That action seemed so familiar, but why? Her face, though beautiful, wasn’t known to me. Yet I could swear I had seen her before. I think I already knew who she was, but it was so far fetched as to be unbelievable. What were the odds that I would run into my mystery woman my first night back?

  She bit into her lip and it was as if the floodgates just opened up. I stumbled back a step as I kept my eyes on her face. Afraid to look away lest she disappear again. I tried to say something but my tongue wouldn’t work and my heart was beating me to death.

  I looked at her as the pieces started to fall into place. It all came flooding back, that night I wasn't too sure of. That night that has haunted me for nearly four years almost to the day. The dream I've been chasing.

  But it wasn't a dream, it was real, she was real. I stepped into her space getting as close to her as possible, my hand came up and around her neck, holding her in place so she couldn’t run away. Her scent hit me hard this close and my body reacted like a well-trained dog, pissing me off.

  "Who are you?"

  She opened her mouth to speak but no words came. I kept my eyes on hers as more became clear. Flashes of memory hit me behind the eyes like a movie reel. We were in bed…but how did we get there? Did I pick her up somewhere? She didn’t look like a working girl. Then shit got really strange and my world was rocked for the second time in my life.

  "Mommy there..." I looked down at the little boy who’d just spoken but everything seemed like a jumble. I knew there was something monumental going on here in this moment, but I couldn’t get a handle on it. I stared down at the kid fighting to make sense of what it was my brain was trying to tell me.

  Wait, she has a kid, that doesn’t fit somehow. But how do I know that? Who are you, why do you seem so familiar...the kid, why does he look...? I looked down at the little dark haired boy again and this time the cloudy haze had cleared. My mind stopped in its tracks, and the word stood still. I know that face I see it every morning in the mirror.

  I looked at her in shocked horror as the buzzing in my ears drummed out the Christmas carols and the chatter in the background. I was about to speak once I found my voice but once again I was interrupted.

  "Momma..."

  I turned my head to look down at her other side at this new interruption. There's another one, a little girl...with my face. I felt the earth shift beneath me, and my head begun to spin. In between the black dots that appeared behind my lids, I saw flashes of her and I in bed, naked. I was inside her, deep inside her. Even now my body reacted so strongly. And there’s that scent, vanilla and something tropical. “You…”

  7

  Bella

  The world stopped. I knew there was life going on around me, knew there were people moving in and out of my peripheral vision. But for me everything had stopped and rewound itself back to that hotel room. He was asking me something but I couldn’t hear his words, just saw the movement of his lips and the anger on his face.

  It was only when my outgoing little girl pulled on his pants leg and he got down on his knees to talk to her that I snapped out of it. I was ready to make a run for it. It was obvious from his questions that he didn’t remember me or who I was, probably not where we’d met and what we’d done either. I kinda expected that because of something else that had happened that night. Something I never let myself think about because the shame and humiliation was too much to bear.

  It was only when he’d rolled away from me that last time as the sun climbed above the snow capped mountains that I realized he’d been too intoxicated to know much of what had happened throughout the night.

  “They’re mine aren’t they?” He stared at me with a mixture of anger and hope, and as much as I’d wished for this moment in the past, I now wished it never happened. “This isn’t the right…” Before I could finish speaking he picked Luna up in his arms and took Luca’s hand with the other.

  “What are you doing? Where are you going with my kids?” There was no doubt about the look he turned on me this time. Pure anger, hate and a whole host of things I wasn’t sure I wanted to decipher.

  “Lady, you have a lot of explaining to do. And since you were the one calling the shots for the past four years, I’m not about to risk you disappearing again.” He walked as he spoke, and I moved to take my son’s hand to keep some semblance of control over the situation.

  I followed him to the candy store where he gave the lady behind the counter a name. Deleon. Was that his last name? Last time I’d only got his first name and only because in one very amorous moment he’d said ‘Say fuck me Luca.’ Which I had repeated more than once, I might add, and most of the time without any prompting from him.

  My heart raced with this new little tidbit I had to add to the keepsake I kept in my head with all that I knew about him, which wasn’t much. Somehow, I found humor in that. Here I was the mother of his children and I had no idea who he was.

  He paid for the boxes of fudge and with my son’s hand still in his and my daughter in the other, turned and looked around. “Is there a place where we can sit and talk?”

  “There’s the food court but I doubt there’ll be any available chairs. It is the holidays after all.” I can’t believe my voice is so steady, like I was having a normal conversation with an old friend I just happened to run into.

  “We’ll see.” His voice was clipped and short and it would take a stump not to see that he was beyond pissed. “Let me take her you have your hands full.” The bag with boxes of candy was hanging off his hand under Luna. “Not on your life, walk.”

  I had no choice but to follow him, all the while wondering when my life had turned into a soap opera. What were the odds that we would meet here again like this? I stayed out of Manchester, only venturing into the city when there was absolutely no other alternative.

  As I suspected, the food court was packed but there was one little table in the corner. He headed there and I followed close on his heels.

  I tried taking Luca back from him but he beat me to it and put the child on his lap with Luna on his other knee. “So what’s your name little buddy?” The soft congeniality of his voice belied the daggers he was sending my way with his eyes.

  “Luca.” I saw his reaction in the way his shoulders stiffened and then he picked his head up and his eyes bore into mine. Luca, who was normally a little more reticent than his sister when it came to strangers, seemed perfectly relaxed and at ease. I on the other hand was a bundle of nerves.

  “I have to get back, it’s getting late.” He reached across the table and grabbed my hand.

  “First, you’re going to tell me what I want to know. Are they mine?” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I’d imagined this moment a thousand times, but now that it was here I couldn’t seem to get it together.

  “I asked you a question.” He seemed so different to the man who’d made love to me all night. Though he’d been forceful in his lovemaking, something that had given me many moments of remembered pleasure, his words had been more of a gentler persuasion.

  “What makes you think…?” I was stalling for time. If I took this step there was no turning back. I never realized until now how much I hated the idea of sharing my children. There were times alone at night in bed when I’d dream of him coming and taking us away. I knew he was wealthy from the clothes he wore that night and the expensive watch on the night stand the morning after.

&nb
sp; Though money wouldn’t solve all my problems, it didn’t hurt to daydream about my knight in shining armor coming to the rescue. Now he was here and I didn’t know what I wanted.

  “Don’t play games with me. They both have my face.”

  “Do you really not remember?” I had accepted the possibility but after all this time shouldn’t some of what happened that night have come back to him?

  “Lady, until roughly ten minutes ago I thought that night was a figment of my imagination. For four years I’ve been haunted by little flashes of something, always out of reach and not enough substance to know whether it was dream or reality.”

  I guess I could believe that, not like I had a choice. But what did this all mean? He was here now, but what? In my daydreams we walked off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. But the man sitting across from me with a look of leashed anger didn’t look like he was going to conform to my way of things.

  “Why did you leave?”

  “What?” His question threw me for a second.

  “I woke the next day and you were gone, that’s why I never knew for sure if you were real.”

  “You called me by someone else’s name. I couldn’t bear to face you after that.” There was no point in not coming clean now. Though this whole thing seemed surreal, I knew there was no way he was going to let me leave here without…something.

  “What name?”

  “Abigail.” His sharp intake of breath had me biting into my lip. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so honest. Oh shit, what if he was married, what if our one night together had been a betrayal? And why hadn’t I ever thought of that in all this time?

  For some reason it never entered my mind. Somehow, I had developed this ideal of him, and part of that ideal was that he wasn’t the type to cheat. I had no answers for why he’d called me by someone else’s name, but I knew it was me he was touching that night, my body he used so beautifully.