Domino Effect

by Kristin Mayer

  Quentin was in his mid-thirties. He hadn’t shaved today and had a blue baseball cap on. I felt like shit for taking him away from his family on New Year’s Day.

  He nodded. “Hey, man. I ordered you a cup of coffee when I saw you pull up.”

  “Thanks. Sometimes I wonder whether coffee should be considered a drug.”

  Quentin chuckled. “I’ve had the same thought many a time.”

  The middle-aged-dark-haired waitress, Donna, who looked like she’d been serving all night, put my coffee down in front of me. I wasn’t sure who looked more tired, me or her. “Here you go, darlin’. Can I get you anything else? Or do you want me to keep the caffeine coming?”

  “No, just keep the coffee coming and I’ll be good. Thanks, Donna.”

  “Sure thing.” She walked away.

  I took a sip, centering myself.

  Quentin was in a button-up flannel, making him look kind of like a lumberjack. “So you saw Nikola last night? Where’s your head this morning?”

  Taking a tired breath, I said, “It’s a fucking mess. I was at a club last night when I ran into her. I thought I saw that spark that I used to see when we were together. Then a chick came up, and Nikola got the wrong impression. She left and I followed. A guy picked her up.”

  Quentin took a sip of coffee as he watched me closely. “Any desire to use with all this going on?”

  I rarely let myself remember the freedom of using drugs. My mind was getting stronger, but thinking about it at all wasn’t worth the temptation.

  “Not yet. Knowing what using cost me, keeps me away from those thoughts. Still, I wanted to make sure I talked it out, in case the thought crossed my mind. I told Nikola that the girl wasn’t what she thought. It’s what I used to say to Nikola when she asked about the drugs. It killed me to see that pain on her face again.” I took a sip of coffee and shifted in my seat.

  A loud couple walked through the door. They seemed to be still wired from New Year’s Eve. I adjusted myself in the seat so that I could stretch a little and release the stifling feeling that washed over me.

  “What do you think you’re going to do?” Quentin asked.

  That was the question of the day. “I have no clue. I know what I want to do. But I don’t know if that’s what I should do.”

  Quentin had been my sponsor since rehab. “What are you wanting to do, and why wouldn’t it be the right thing?”

  I looked down at the steam coming off of my coffee. It would evaporate and disappear. It’s what I wish would happen with these painful memories. “You know I want to talk to Nikola. I know you think I should, that it might give me closure. But I don’t want to interrupt her life. She might have happily moved on. She deserves that.”

  My sponsor rubbed his beard as he thought. “I think it’s best to get it out in the open, talk it through, so that everyone can move on. If you haven’t talked since you left for rehab, she may have the same thoughts you do. And, quite frankly, think about this—last night might have been fate stepping in.”

  I dragged my hand down my face. “What the hell do I say? She changed her number, anyway.”

  The door opened again and a man came strolling in, taking a corner booth. He was an older guy and, as he sat, he opened a newspaper and started reading. I was always aware of what was going on around me. My security side never shut off.

  “Well, Brandt, you know where her grandmother lives and you were close with Anne. I know you didn’t want to involve Anne, but I think it’s a good idea to talk to her. At this point, that may be your only option. Speak from the heart. Even if your relationship with Nikola is finished, at least you’ll know.”

  My heart physically hurt thinking about Nikola never being in my life again. It was one reason I hadn’t reached out yet. “Quentin, I know what you say makes sense. It’s what I should do. But I don’t know if I can face us really being over.”

  Quentin sipped his coffee. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. “Then it’s what you should do. Don’t let the fear get to you. Fear is what drives people to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like drugs. Before now, I understood your reservation. But I think you’re strong enough, Brandt, to handle this—regardless of what happens.”

  As we sat in silence, I mulled over his words for a bit. “I’m going to speak with Anne. At least I’ll know and can stop tormenting myself. Thanks for meeting me. Tell Beth I’m sorry for taking you away on New Year’s.”

  Beth was Quentin’s wife. They gave me hope with their functional marriage and two kids, despite Quentin’s past heroin use.

  “Nonsense. She said to tell you, ‘hello.’ When do you plan on going to see Anne?”

  I stood and Quentin followed. My body was jittery with nerves and excitement at the thought of having a chance to see Nikola again as I remembered their yearly tradition. “I know Nikola’s at Anne’s today. I’ll probably head there now so I’m not late to my mum’s dinner.”

  Quentin gave me a manly bear hug. “Sounds good. Keep me posted. If you get the urge, know I’m here, no matter what.”

  “Will do, man.” Quentin went to grab some cash, but I stopped him “I’ve got it. Get back to your family.”

  “Thanks.” He nodded at the waitress. “Happy New Year, Donna.”

  She replied, her voice smoky, “Happy New Year’s to you too.”

  I left some bills on the table and gave her a friendly wave. As I got in my car, I leaned my head against the leather seat. I was less than a half hour from Anne’s—Nikola’s grandmother’s—house. What if that guy from last night was there? Nikola had seemed to want to talk to me. Regardless of who he was, we needed to talk. Nikola deserved an apology at the very least.

  I cranked the car and headed toward Anne’s, mentally preparing myself for the worst. The streets were fairly empty as I made my way to the country house. I turned down a gravel road toward a red brick house with yellow trim. Nikola’s car, a black CTS, sat in the driveway. The car that the guy had been driving last night was nowhere to be seen—a good sign. At least I’d be able to talk to her alone, without an audience. What I had to say was for Nikola only. If she chose to share it, that was her choice.

  I debated whether I should go to the door off the carport or to the front door. No one used the front door if they knew the family, but using the carport door that led into the kitchen seemed too intimate. Shit, I am terrible at this. Taking a deep, fortifying breath, I opened my car door and the cold air hit me hard. I cursed as I took the walkway up to the front door.

  Before I could turn chicken-shit and run away, I rang the doorbell. I could hear it echo through the house. Anne’s voice rang from the other side. “Nikola, I’ve got it!”

  The door opened, and Anne greeted me. She’d aged well and was as full of life as always with her blonde hair done up perfectly. A knowing look momentarily replaced her pleasant expression.

  She stepped out onto the front porch and closed the door. “Brandt, it’s good to see you. I figured you might stop by here today.”

  Anne always seemed to know things. It’s one of the reasons I stopped coming by when I used. Before then, Nikola and I used to come over on Sundays for a roast dinner that Anne always started prior to going to church, where she was the choir director. My guilt had stopped me.

  Shame coursed through my body as I looked back at this loving woman. “It’s good to see you, too, Anne. I knew Nikola would be here, and I guess she’s told you about last night. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for what I put you through.”

  A gentle smile spread across my face. It used to feel like Anne was my grandmother, too. Losing her because of my habit had been hard.

  “What do you think you put me through?” Anne asked as a look of sadness quickly passed over her features.

  This was the worst part of apologizing—saying what you had done to a person in one of the darkest times in your life. There was a cleansing feeling that followed, but it sucked ass admitting to your own flaws. I met her eyes. �
�You were like a grandmother to me, too. I shut you out, lied to you, and hurt your granddaughter in ways that make me cringe when I think about them. I was ashamed when I made wrong choices, and I didn’t want you to see what I was doing. Sorry isn’t an adequate word. I wish I could think of one. But I am sorry for everything.”

  To my surprise, Anne hugged me; the warm blanket of her embrace covering me. “Welcome back, Brandt. Everyone makes mistakes. What matters is that we recognize them and grow from them.” She pulled back. “I can’t speak for Nikola, and you’re going to have a fight to win her back. You need to make sure that this is what you want before I let you in my house. I’m not the one who had to live with you and what you were doing. Are you clean?”

  Relief washed over me—she’d at least let me try to win Nikola back. I needed Anne’s approval. From the corner of my eye, I saw the blinds propped slightly open.. Nikola was watching. I kept facing forward so Nikola didn’t know I saw her eavesdropping.

  “I’m clean and have been for over a year. I understand it’s going to be a hard road with Nikola, but I have to try. She’s the love of my life. There’s no one else.”

  The conviction in my voice rang true, and I knew Anne believed me when an understanding smile slipped into place.

  “Let me go talk to Nikola. Whether she wants to see you is her choice. I’ll be right back.”

  The blinds closed as Anne disappeared behind the front door. Knowing Nikola, she was running back to wherever she’d been. It always made me laugh anytime I caught her doing that, back when we lived together. It hurt, thinking about how happy we were. I ran a hand down my face. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I would do if Nikola turned me away. Time moved slowly while I waited outside in the cold. Finally, the door opened.

  “Why don’t you come on in, Brandt? Nikola’s in the kitchen making cornbread while the collards and black-eyed peas cook. I need to take care of a few things in the basement.”

  “Thanks, Anne.”

  She gave me a welcoming smile as I stepped through the door. Happy memories welcomed me. Past the entryway and to the right was a door that led down to the basement, which Anne headed toward. I walked a little into the living room and then headed left to the kitchen. Nikola cracked eggs into her cornbread batter.

  She looked up at me, her green eyes boring straight through me. She was in a sweater and jeans. I’d never tire of her beauty. I had to stop myself from kissing her senseless, like I would have if we were together.

  We stayed locked in a trance. I noticed her chewing the inside of her cheek—she was nervous. It was a small gesture and not everyone knew of her tell.

  “Hey, Nikola. Thanks for agreeing to see me.”

  “Hey, Brandt.”

  Hearing her speak my name twice within twenty-four hours did something to me. I would do whatever I had to in order to get the woman of my dreams back in my arms.

  She. Was. Mine.

  MY HEART WAS about to beat out of my chest as Brandt stood before me. After all this time, I’d given up hope he would come by Grandmama’s. I know I left him, but I’d hoped he’d come back and fight for us when he got clean. Not reaching out to him had been a constant struggle. Brandt being happy and healthy was what mattered.

  That said, watching him talk outside with Grandmama made my heart flutter like it used to. I hadn’t hesitated when Grandmama asked if she should let Brandt in. Hearing him say my name brought familiar feelings back to the surface. As much as I’d longed to see Brandt again, I was terrified of the hurt it would bring.

  We were standing, locked in each other’s gazes, when I realized I should probably say something. “Why don’t you take a seat at the bar? I’m making cornbread; we can talk while I finish.” Having a predefined distance from Brandt would hopefully keep me rational. Luckily, there were no signs that he was either high or in need of another hit.

  “Okay. If you need help, let me know. We used to be pretty good in the kitchen together.”

  I didn’t know what to say. His sapphire eyes seemed to penetrate me. We had cooked together all the time. I forced the memories that were trying to assail me to the side. Having him so close was hard enough to process. So I focused on Brandt. His hair was pulled back and a green thermal shirt covered his tattoos. I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t have a coat with him. He hated coats, even in this cold weather.

  Instead of saying anything, I cracked the last egg into the cornbread batter and tossed the shells into the trashcan at the end of the bar.

  Brandt moved to the seat directly across from me. “Last night wasn’t what it loo—”

  My eyes shot to his and he stopped. Hearing that phrase from him reminded me of all the shit we’d been through, pushing away the warm fuzzies I’d been feeling.

  Brandt cleared his throat. “Sorry. What I should have said is that I’m not with the girl you saw approach me. I went to the club to meet Trigger. I ran into her, and she wanted something I didn’t. I went to the bar for a shot and was going to leave right before I saw you, but then that girl—she tried to make something happen that wasn’t in the cards.”

  Thinking of Brandt with another woman made little cracks form in my still-delicate heart. How many women has he been with since me? Is he seeing anyone? I wasn’t his girlfriend, and I had no right to be jealous, but I couldn’t help myself. Brandt sounded like he was telling the truth, though, and not lying like he used to with the coke.

  “Thanks for telling me. Is that why you came by today?”

  As my phone buzzed on the counter, I stopped stirring the batter. I glanced and saw it was Lance, my ex from three months ago. We’d dated for a month and slept together once before I’d ended it. Sleeping with someone else felt wrong. My body only wanted Brandt. Still, Lance kept texting and randomly showing up at places where I hung out. It was borderline stalking, and he put me on edge. Lance had been at the bar last night, which was why I’d texted Wesley to pick me up. I’d decided to wait by the bar to be near a bartender, in case Lance kept harassing me.

  “What’s wrong, Nikola?” Brandt watched me closely, and his concern was evident.

  “I’m good. Sorry, what were we talking about?”

  I looked back at the bowl and started stirring again. I wasn’t ready to share my concerns with Brandt. Hopefully, he wouldn’t push. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to deal with my problems, and I needed to keep my heart safe. As I went to the stove and pulled out the oven rack, I could feel him looking at me as I went to the stove and pulled out the oven rack. The cast-iron skillet was hot. I poured the batter and heard it sizzle as it touched the pan. Without looking at Brandt, I closed the oven and put the bowl in the sink before sitting in front of him, across the bar.

  “I won’t push, but I know something’s wrong.”

  I looked him in the eyes. Brandt still made me feel safe. I loved how he protected me fiercely when he was thinking clearly. But I wasn’t his to protect anymore.

  After a few seconds, he realized I wasn’t going to talk, and he continued. “I came here for two reasons. The first was to apologize for all I did to you—the lying, the using, the hurtful things I said. I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me. Every bad choice I made, I’m sorry for it, Nikola. I accept full responsibility. I ruined us.”

  The sincerity in his voice struck true and stirred something in me. “Thank you, Brandt. That means a lot. More than you know.”

  He took a deep breath. “You deserve to know. The other reason I came here was to see if you’re seeing anyone. I’m not, so if you’re not, I want to win your heart back. I know I fucked…” He looked at the doorway, probably because he thought Grandmama could be there at any second. “I know I messed things up, but I’m not ready to give up on us. I’ve been clean for over a year and haven’t come close to a relapse. We can start as friends. I want to show you I’m clean and different now. I won’t go back to drugs.”

  I massaged my tired eyes. “Brandt, you put me through hell.”

&
nbsp; He held up his hands. “I know I did, Nikola. Hell, I regret it every damn day. I lied to you and put you behind the drugs. It’s something that will haunt me for the rest of my days. But are you seeing anyone? That guy who picked you up at Coyote Ugly last night?”

  I swallowed, teetering on the edge of the unknown. There were so many unanswered questions running through my head. Did I want to open the safe I’d put my heart in? Should I give him a chance to prove himself to me? Did I really want to be with him again? I knew the answer was yes, but I wanted to proceed with caution.

  All he’d asked was whether I was seeing anyone. That was easy to answer. “No, I’m not seeing anyone.”

  A smile spread across his face, and I couldn’t help but return it. “So, the guy who picked you up last night is just a—”

  His voice trailed off and I finished, “A friend. His name is Wesley. Wesley and I met at a support group we used to attend.”

  “What kind of support group was it?”

  I traced a design on the counter as I answered Brandt. “It’s a support group for spouses of addicts. I know we weren’t married, but I still felt like I lost my other half.”

  He lowered his voice, casting his eyes downward. “I’m glad you went to a support group. Only those who’ve been in your shoes know what it’s like. But I hope you’ll give me a chance.”

  This felt like the old Brandt, and as much as I wanted to go sit on his lap and kiss him, part of me pictured him hiding blow all over our house and sneaking hits.

  “The group was good. It helped me piece things together I didn’t understand. Made the dark storm not so bleak.”

  Brandt flinched, but the truth needed to be out there in the open. Pretending nothing was wrong was what let cocaine take over our lives.

  “The groups are good. They help a lot. I know you probably have questions. Would you mind if I text you sometime, maybe for coffee? We can start slow. I want to prove to you that I’m worthy of your heart.”