Every Breaking Wave

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  “No wonder it was my ex’s favorite. I think you’re actually onto something because you described him to a T.”

  I laughed and then took a bite of my ice cream. It was quiet for a few moments. I think Jeremy was uncomfortable that I’d brought Darren up. I knew I shouldn’t have. I may have been out of the dating scene for a while, but some things don’t change and one of the unwritten rules of dating is not to talk about your ex. I couldn’t take it back though. It was out and there was nothing I could do to change it.

  “He must’ve hurt you pretty badly.”

  “He did,” I said as I stared out into the water. “But what’s done is done and I’ve moved on and I’m going to be just fine.”

  “You’re a strong woman. I knew that the moment I saw you again.”

  “You mean the moment I nearly bit your head off?” I said and we both laughed.

  “Seriously, Beth,” he said when the laughter had died down. “You impress me. The way you are with Noah. The way you take care of yourself. I admire you.”

  I glanced at him, hoping he didn’t see the flush of my cheeks. I didn’t think I was doing anything special. I was doing what thousands of other women were doing: surviving and not thinking I was doing a very good job of it.

  “You flatter me, Jeremy,” I said, tearing my eyes from him and looking back out to the water just as a quick gust of wind picked up and I pushed my hair out of my face. “I’m just doing what I have to do.”

  “Well, I think you’re doing a fine job.”

  It was quiet then and I closed my eyes, listening to the gentle breaking of the waves against the rocks. It was so peaceful and when I only focused on that sound, my mind was clear for a few moments…moments that never lasted though because my real life was filled with so many moments that were anything but peaceful. I tried putting on a brave face so no one could tell how I really felt. I may not look it, but worry, fear and hurt were constantly swirling in my body and I was just trying to make it through each day for Noah.

  “Sometimes I still can’t believe it,” I said suddenly, my voice low as I opened my eyes, continuing to focus on the waves. “I wrack my brain trying to understand how he could ever put anyone above Noah.”

  “Can I ask what happened?”

  Jeremy’s voice was cautious and when I turned my eyes away from the water and back to him, I knew he was concerned.

  “Stacey was one of my best friends. She lived a few houses down and we clicked right when we moved in. She was one of those power women, a pharmacist who’d just gotten divorced when we met her. We’d go out and even have her and her kids over for dinner. I had no idea she was screwing my husband until I walked in on them.”

  “That’s rough, Beth,” Jeremy sighed.

  “Very rough,” I said, trying to laugh to lighten the mood, but I knew it wasn’t funny. “I felt like such a fool. I mean, how did I not know something like that was going on? How did I have no idea?”

  “Because you’re a blueberry,” he said and I couldn’t help crack a smile. I loved that even as I was wallowing in self-pity, he could find a way to make me laugh. “You trust.”

  “Which obviously isn’t a good thing. Look where it got me.”

  It grew quiet again and I could feel him moving closer to me and then his finger was on my chin, turning my face so I was looking at him.

  “You have to know we’re not all like Darren. Some of us are the good guys.”

  The way he was looking at me, his eyes so gentle and real, I wanted to believe him. I wanted like hell to believe him, but Darren had taken my ability to trust and torn it to shreds and I doubted I’d ever be able to put the pieces back together. I felt a burning sensation in my throat. I was not going to cry. This was a date and the first good date I’d been on since I split with Darren. I was supposed to be having fun, which I had been until I realized a great guy was sitting beside me and I couldn’t get away from my past. I had to hold it together.

  “I know,” I finally managed to get out, although my voice was much weaker than I thought it would be.

  “Look at the waves,” he said as he gestured to where they were rolling onto the shore. “My dad used to remind me that each time a wave breaks, there’s always another one right behind it. He would tell me to think of life like every breaking wave. Every time something in our life ends, there’s always something new to look forward to coming right behind it.”

  I felt the burning in my throat worsen and then I felt the stinging in my eyes. I blinked and silent tears fell down my cheeks. I don’t think Jeremy saw them though. We were still focused on the shore and I reached up quickly, wiping them away. I stared at the waves, watching them crash one right after another, without fail, and I knew his father had been right. Life was nothing but a series of waves, opportunities and chances that didn’t always work out and when they didn’t, there was always something else waiting for you. I had a hard time believing something good was waiting for me after what I’d been dealt though.

  “That’s a lovely idea, Jeremy,” I whispered. “I hope your father is right.”

  “He always was, Beth.”

  I looked once more at the waves and then turned to him. I expected to see a reassuring smile on his face, but there wasn’t one. He actually seemed distant, his gaze still on the ocean.

  “You never talk about your parents. Are they still here in Travers Cove?” I asked and I thought I saw him twitch a little.

  “They died when I was fifteen.”

  His words came out softly and his eyes finally left the ocean and met mine. I knew my eyes were wide at his revelation, but I hoped I had disguised my shock enough to not hurt him even more.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” I reached out to his hand resting on the rock, covering it with mine. He glanced down at it and then he flipped his hand so our fingers tangled together, his thumb slowly stroking the back of my hand.

  “You wouldn’t know. I didn’t tell you.”

  “Why not?” I asked gently, but then I thought back to the time I’d known Jeremy. It’d been all about me. We hadn’t talked much about him and I suddenly felt very selfish.

  “Opportunity’s never risen.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “It was a car accident. A drunk driver hit them on the way home from my baseball game in Booth Bay.”

  “Jeremy…” I whispered, my casted hand flying over my mouth while I squeezed his hand with my other one. “How did you deal with that?”

  “I got through it because of my sister,” he said, instantly piquing my curiosity. “She was nineteen when it happened and just finishing up with her freshman year at Plymouth State. She didn’t even think twice about giving it all up to come home to take care of me.”

  “You mean, she raised you after that?” I asked and he nodded.

  “My parents’ life insurance policy paid off the house so Aubrey and I were able to stay there. She worked at the market while taking classes at the community college and I was able to keep my life as normal as possible and it was all because of my sister.”

  I’d known his relationship with Aubrey was a special one, but I had no idea how special.

  “How are you…after all of it?”

  “It was twelve years ago. I miss them,” he said softly and paused for a second before going on. “I miss them every day, but I’m okay.”

  I turned my body so I was facing him, the breeze blowing gently through his hair. He didn’t look as sad as I expected. There was actually a look of peace on his face that I envied. I couldn’t stop myself as I unwrapped our hands, reaching up and turning him to face me. His eyes were so dark, yet kind as they locked with mine. I traced my fingertips over his cheek and when he gently brushed a piece of my hair off my forehead, my whole body filled with a warmth I couldn’t recall before, a longing consuming my body as I moved my gaze down to his lips. I’d convinced myself all men must be like Darren. They weren’t to be trusted. They’d do nothing but cause me pain. I’d told my
self to stay away from this man. I’d told myself this summer was for me to heal, to find myself again. Look, but don’t touch I’d said, but I wanted nothing more now than to touch him and have him touch me.

  He cupped my cheek with his palm, gently running the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip. I was breathing harder and I could tell he was too. It was killing me to have him so close to me, yet still so far away. I’d put up such a barrier, pushing him away whenever I could. Maybe he was afraid to take it any further because of that. Maybe he was waiting for me to make the next move.

  I leaned into his touch, but I stopped when our lips were about to meet. I could feel everything about him and yet our lips hadn’t even connected yet. My heart was pounding now, the anticipation of feeling him nearly killing me. It’d been too long since I’d felt like this and it scared the hell out of me.

  I was almost shaking as I waited for him to take over and before I could think of anything more, his lips were on mine, sweet and gentle, taking exactly what I could give to him at this moment, not asking for too much, but perfect nonetheless.

  “I’ve been waiting to do that since I was thirteen,” he said softly, resting his forehead against mine.

  “I’m sorry you had to wait so long,” I returned, pressing my lips against his again for a moment before pulling back.

  Silence settled over us, but it wasn’t awkward and when he put his arm around me, pulling me to him so I was leaning back into him as he wrapped his arms around me, I didn’t protest. I went willingly and I’d forgotten how it felt to rest in the arms of someone else…someone I cared about. My heart had been shattered, but in his arms, I thought I could feel the first pieces making their way back together.

  “Are you okay, Beth?” he whispered to me as I lay in his arms.

  “I’m scared,” I admitted quietly and I felt him pull me closer. “I’m scared of letting someone in again.”

  As good as the night had been and how this felt, I couldn’t pretend I’d suddenly forgotten what had brought me here in the first place. It wouldn’t be fair to him, but he already knew my baggage. He’d known I was in a bad place and yet he still wanted to get to know me when I’d built up every barrier to keep that from happening.

  “I know you’re scared,” he replied and I hated that he could still sense my fear even though he’d been nothing but wonderful to me. “Thank you for opening the door a little.”

  I didn’t respond. Instead I closed my eyes, taking a moment to remember how this felt in case I did something to screw it up and that door I’d just opened ended up slamming in my face.

  ~~~

  The house was quiet when Jeremy dropped me off. He walked me to the door, and as we stood on doorstep, he kissed me again and I was smiling when I walked inside. There was a faint glow coming from the living room and when I walked in, I saw all three boys crashed in front of the TV and my sister’s glazed eyes staring at the movie they’d been watching. She looked to be nodding in and out of sleep, but when I tiptoed into the room, her head jerked up. I could tell she was waiting for a report and when she saw the smile on my face, she smiled too, standing up quickly, climbing over the boys and taking my arm, leading me into the bedroom.

  “Please tell me you had a good time because I just spent the evening with three terrible little boys who thought burping in each other’s faces and a farting contest was time well spent, not to mention I caught my boys teaching your boy how to play Drown the Cheerio in the toilet and ended up spraying themselves with pee,” she exclaimed once the door had been closed, shielding the sleeping hellions from our voices.

  “Do you possess any parenting skills at all, Amy?” I laughed as I set my purse down and began stripping out of my skirt and into my most comfortable sweats.

  “Probably not. Dale’s the disciplinarian, not me. Hopefully our visit won’t screw Noah up too badly.”

  “He’s already screwed up enough thanks to Darren and me so don’t try and steal that honor away from us,” I laughed and she sat on the bed while I piled my long blonde hair into a bun on my head.

  “You look happy,” she said when I joined her on the bed.

  “I am.”

  “It went well then?”

  “Better than I expected.”

  “Has the queen of first dates finally given up her reign then?” Amy asked, nudging me playfully and I nodded. “When’s the second date then?”

  “I could be mistaken, but I think Jeremy and I might already be beyond the whole dating thing,” I said and she looked at me quizzically.

  “That was fast.”

  Her tone was skeptical and the enthusiasm was waning from her voice.

  “No, Amy…I don’t mean we’re in a relationship,” I said, framing the word with air quotes. “I just don’t think we’ll be doing a whole lot of dating…as in going out together to get to know each other. I’ve got Noah and I don’t think that’s where Jeremy and I are right now.”

  “What are you saying then?”

  “I’m not even sure myself. I think we’re just going to see where things lead.”

  “And have a little fun while doing that I hope?” she nudged me again, the playfulness returning.

  “Who knows?” I said with a shrug of my shoulders.

  “I’m proud of you, Beth,” she said and I openly scoffed.

  “There’s nothing to be proud of. When I run a marathon or win teacher of the year, then you can be proud of me.”

  “Stop being so…” she said, closing her eyes as she struggled to find her words. “Stop being so you!”

  I glared at her and she glared back, puckering her face the way she used to when we were kids that always made me laugh. It still worked like a charm and a second later we were both cracking up.

  “No, seriously,” she said a few moments later when we’d collected ourselves. “This is a big step for you. Huge actually and I think you may finally begin to realize your worth.”

  Her words stung my heart and she was looking at me seriously, her face completely devoid of the silliness from only moments before.

  “You, little sister,” she said, staring right at me as she pointed to me. “You are special and you deserve to be treated as such and loved to the point it hurts.”

  “I think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself, Amy,” I said quietly.

  “Maybe I am, but who gives a shit? I’m not saying Jeremy’s the one, but he’s a good guy. I can see it on your face and no matter what happens, you’re on your way to loving yourself again after that asshole of an ex-husband of yours destroyed you. That’s all that matters.”

  Her arms were around me a second later, hugging me tightly. Amy was right. I didn’t know the future with Jeremy or if he was even in my future. All I knew was how I felt and how he’d made me feel and it was a feeling I didn’t want to soon forget.

  Eleven

  Amy left the next morning and I hated to see her go. Noah wanted Spencer and Brent to stay longer, but truthfully, as much as I loved my nephews, I’d be glad to have our house return to the quiet little place I’d grown accustomed to.

  Jeremy showed up just as we were finishing our breakfast to perform the weekly mowing. It felt a little strange to have him tending to the house like an employee when he was hardly that anymore. He wasn’t even just a friend anymore, he was more than that. Still, the grass did need to be cut and I really didn’t mind watching his muscles flex under the weight of the weed whacker. I knew I should jump right up and go say hello, but something kept me at the table, watching him as he worked. Noah wasn’t as patient as me because as soon as he ate his last bite of Cheerios, he got up and ran outside. I quickly followed, wanting to make sure he didn’t run up on Jeremy.

  I hadn’t even showered yet. My hair was still in the messy bun I’d slept in and I was wearing my sweats and t-shirt. I hadn’t even had the notion to wash my face before bed so I was certain I looked like a tired raccoon. For some reason though, I didn’t care and I didn’t think Jeremy would eit
her.

  Almost like he could sense us approaching, the weed whacker stopped and he turned around, flashing me that smile that always did me in, dimples included. There was something different about the smile this morning. Maybe it was because it was accompanied by his traveling eyes that moved up my body, looking at me approvingly. I don’t know how he could find someone dressed so slovenly attractive, but something told me did.

  “Hey,” he said, his timid voice telling me he was as curious about our new relationship as I was. My eyes settled on his mouth, my lips telling me to go plant a big one on his waiting lips, wanting to feel them again.

  “Good morning,” is what I settled on instead.

  Noah gave him a big hug and Jeremy patted his back before he wandered off to watch a butterfly that had landed on one of the hydrangeas.

  “How’s the arm?” Jeremy asked, gesturing to my cast.

  “It’s fine,” I told him and then I noticed his smile transform into more of a smirk.

  “I know it’s green and all, but I think it may actually clash with the Green Monster.”

  “What’re you talking about?”

  “Fenway Park.”

  “I know the Green Monster is the wall in left field, Jeremy. What does my cast have to do with it?”

  “Well,” he began slyly. “I told you Bill would love you forever and me too, of course, for winning the game that humiliated Chester.”

  “What are you getting at?” I asked, folding my arms and looking at him curiously.

  “He called me this morning, offering me Red Sox tickets for tomorrow’s game as a thank you. I was wondering if you and Noah would like to join me?”

  I stood in silence for a moment, not quite knowing what to say. A road trip with Jeremy with Noah in tow? It could be a recipe for disaster or great success.

  “Boston’s not exactly a day trip.”