Every Breaking Wave

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  Noah woke up just as I was finishing. I was amazed he’d even slept at all considering how excited he was to meet Mickey Mouse. I had a new appreciation for the way Darren had felt when he learned I’d taken Noah to Fenway Park for the first time without him. I’d thought about what it would be like to take Noah to Disney World for the first time and how much fun we’d have. It hurt accepting I wouldn’t be there to share that with him. Just another glorious perk of being a divorced family.

  “Is Daddy coming to get me yet?” he shouted, barging into the bathroom as I held the towel around me. I’d never thought of the bathroom as such an exciting place until I became a mother. Now it was the place to be in the house and Noah didn’t think twice about coming in no matter what I was doing.

  “Not yet. We’ve got to have dinner and then he’ll be here.”

  “I’m so excited!”

  He came bounding over to me, wrapping his arms around my legs.

  “I know you are, honey. You’ll have a great time with Daddy.”

  I leaned over, kissing him on the forehead and then he let go. He followed me down the hall into my bedroom. I tried coaxing him out of the bedroom, but it was no use and he curled up on my bed. I changed into a pair of yoga pants and a tank top, then quickly dried my hair, pinning my sides back and applying a little make up before heading into the kitchen to make dinner. Just like the little duckling he was, Noah followed me. He sat at the table coloring while I made dinner: spaghetti and salad.

  It was just after five when it was done and I joined Noah at the table. He dumped an obscene amount of parmesan cheese on top, but ate it up quickly. I couldn’t help but watch him as he ate. I couldn’t imagine not seeing his little face for a week. I’d only been away from Noah during the past year when it was his turn to sleep over at Darren’s. That had been a hard enough adjustment, but we’d never been apart for a week and the thought of it just felt weird to me.

  The knock on the door pulled me from my thoughts and I got up to answer it. Darren was standing there and I glanced at the clock. It was only 5:20.

  “You’re early,” I said.

  “I know. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “No, it’s fine. Come in.”

  I opened the door and Darren walked inside, taking a moment to look around the small house. It still surprised me that for as big a part Darren had been in my life, he knew nothing of this place that had always been so special to me.

  “Cute house,” he said, and before I could say anything else, Noah came running out of the kitchen, nearly tackling his father to the ground. “Hey, bud!” he said, giving Noah a tight hug.

  “Is it time to go?”

  “Almost.”

  “He’s still eating his dinner,” I said flatly.

  “We’ll go as soon as you finish.”

  “I wanna go now!”

  Darren promptly set him down and crouched so he was looking Noah in the eyes.

  “We are not going anywhere until you finish your dinner. Do you understand?”

  He’d turned on the strong disciplinarian voice I’d never quite mastered. Darren had always been good at that and Noah listened to him in a way he didn’t listen to me. That was one thing I missed about being married to Darren: combining our strengths and working together to raise Noah. Now we were two separate units doing the best we could and praying we didn’t screw up our son in the process.

  Noah nodded and went back into the kitchen, sitting down and picking at his salad.

  “You hungry?” I asked.

  “A little. I was going to grab something at the hotel.”

  “You’re welcome to have some spaghetti if you want.”

  “Thanks,” he answered and we went into the kitchen.

  I made Darren a plate and got him a glass of milk and then sat at the table with my ex-husband and my son. It felt strange eating dinner together like this. We hadn’t eaten like this since before I learned of the affair and it was funny how natural it felt, like the way I hadn’t thought twice about pouring him a glass of milk because he always drank milk with his spaghetti.

  “This is great, Beth,” Darren said after taking a bite.

  “Thank you.”

  “You always made the best spaghetti.”

  “You’re being way too generous. It’s ground beef and Ragu.”

  “I’m just saying it doesn’t taste like this when I make it.” He took another bite and then it was quiet between us for the rest of the meal. Noah talked incessantly though, babbling on and on to Darren about boats and my broken wrist and some nonsense about an episode of Caillou he’d watched. Just the mention of that name caused us both to look up, our eyes meeting in our mutual hatred for the bald little cartoon character.

  “Unfortunately, he hasn’t grown out of that since being here,” Darren said across the table.

  “Nope and his tablet is loaded with downloaded episodes to keep him occupied.” I couldn’t help the malicious grin that spread across my face and he shot me one right back. “You’re welcome,” I said and he chuckled lightly, shaking his head and taking the last bite of his spaghetti.

  “Can I be done?” Noah asked and I looked at his plate. It was almost clear and I nodded.

  He practically jumped out of his seat, grabbing his plate and dumping it in the sink.

  “Let’s go!” he exclaimed.

  “I guess that’s my cue,” Darren said, standing up and taking both of our plates and setting them in the sink. “I hope you don’t mind that I eat and run. I’d do the dishes if Noah had any patience.”

  “It’s fine. Go ahead. I’ll take care of it.”

  Darren and I had always had a deal when we were married. Whoever cooked didn’t clean up. That didn’t pertain anymore though because we weren’t married and at this point, I was just ready to have him leave.

  I went to get Noah’s things and then met Darren in the living room.

  “Here’s his bag of clothes and here’s his carry-on. There should be enough activities and snacks to keep him occupied on the flight.”

  “Thank you,” Darren said, taking the bag from me. “You ready, Noah?”

  “Yes!”

  I bent down so I was looking eye to eye with my son. I could feel myself tearing up at the thought of him walking out the door.

  “You have fun, okay?”

  I was biting back the tears through the lump in my throat, but I didn’t want him to see me cry. I didn’t want him to know I was sad.

  “I will.”

  “And listen to your dad and take lots of pictures for me.”

  “Okay, Mommy.”

  I wrapped him in my arms, holding him tightly and breathing him in for a moment.

  “I love you, Noah,” I whispered in his ear.

  “I love you too, Mommy.”

  I squeezed him again before letting go and standing back up as Darren took Noah’s hand. I followed them outside and immediately noticed the SUV pulling into the driveway next door.

  “I wanna say hi to Jeremy!” Noah exclaimed, obviously noticing the SUV too.

  Noah wiggled his hand out of Darren’s and went trekking across the grass, stopping just shy of the driveway. Jeremy stepped out a second later, still in his fishing garb. He greeted Noah with a high five and I could tell Noah was relaying the events of the day. Jeremy’s gaze left Noah’s and then met mine. It was good to see his face after the unexpected day I’d had.

  “I hear Noah here is off on a grand adventure,” Jeremy said when he and Noah reached us. I looked at Darren and I could tell he was curious about this smelly fisherman.

  “Yes. He’s been surprised with a trip to Disney World.”

  “Lucky dog,” Jeremy said, patting Noah on the back before turning his attention to Darren who was standing next to me. “Jeremy Parrish,” he said, extending his hand without hesitation. Darren took it, giving it a firm shake.

  “Darren Sawyer.”

  “It’s good to meet you.”

  “Likewise,” Dar
ren answered and I couldn’t help but notice the tension between them. Maybe not so much with Jeremy, but I could tell Darren was uneasy.

  “I’m gonna head in and wash this stink of me,” Jeremy said, gesturing towards his body and then turning to Noah. “You have fun with your dad and you can tell me all about it when you get back.”

  “Okay,” Noah said, leaning in for a hug. Jeremy gave him a quick squeeze and then turned his attention back to us as Noah started practicing karate kicks in the yard.

  “I’ll see you in a bit?” he asked me and I nodded and then he looked at Darren. “I’ll see you around, Darren.”

  “Sure,” Darren answered and then Jeremy returned to his house. “It’s not my business…” he began, but I cut him off.

  “Then stay out of it.”

  “I can’t…because of Noah,” he said. “If you’re spending a lot of time with Jeremy, I’d like to know.”

  “Are you asking if we’re seeing each other?”

  “I guess I am.”

  “Then the answer is yes.”

  I didn’t sugar coat it or avoid it. I’d been blunt because there was no way around it. Darren had a point though. If he was dating someone and that person was going to be around my son, I’d want to know too.

  “I know you’re concerned and I don’t blame you, but you know I’d never put Noah in a situation that wasn’t good for him.”

  “I know that, Beth. You’re a good mom,” he said and then paused for a moment as if he wanted to say something else, but he didn’t. “C’mon, bud! Time to go!” Darren called and Noah came flying back to us.

  “Bye, Mom,” he said and I bent down, hugging him tightly once more.

  “I love you, Noah.”

  “I love you too, Mommy,” he said and then he pulled away from me and reached for Darren’s hand.

  “I’ll call you when we get there and we can Skype if you want while we’re gone,” Darren said and I appreciated his consideration.

  “That’d be great,” I answered and I stood there, watching as Darren strapped Noah into his car seat. It didn’t take long and soon, Darren was in the driver’s seat starting the car while Noah’s little face peeked out, waving to me as they drove away.

  Fourteen

  The house was too quiet when I walked back inside. I stood in the living room expecting a shriek or laughter to cut through the silence, but the longer I stood there, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. For the next week, the house would look like this and sound like this. The TV wouldn’t be tuned to Nick Jr. and I wouldn’t be tripping over toys. I had no idea what the hell I was going to do with myself.

  I sat on the couch, leaning my head back and closing my eyes as I tried to picture Noah’s sweet face driving away. I hoped he’d have a good time and that he didn’t miss me as much as I was going to miss him.

  I don’t know how long I sat there, but it must’ve been a while because the next thing I knew, there was a knock on the door and I knew it could only be one person: Jeremy.

  “Come in,” I called out.

  The door opened and I heard heavy footsteps approaching. I looked up to see Jeremy entering the room. It was obvious he was freshly showered by the sheen on his still damp hair. I could smell his body wash too. It was fresh and clean. He looked comfortable in his long shorts and gray t-shirt as he came towards me and I smiled, happy to see him. He stopped a few feet away from me and without any words, I stood up, wrapping my arms around him. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then I felt his arms slide around me too. I think he knew I needed him to hold me for a second. I hadn’t even realized myself that was what I needed until I went to him. It felt good though and I nestled into his chest for a few more moments before pulling away.

  He smoothed my hair back and when he smiled at me, I already felt better. The house had seemed empty after Noah left, but now that Jeremy was here, I didn’t feel so alone.

  “How’re you doing?” he asked me and I shrugged a little.

  “I’m okay. Just trying to process all of this.”

  Jeremy took my hand, leading me over to the couch.

  “He just sprung this on you?” he asked once we were seated.

  “He did. It was weird. So unlike Darren actually. He’s always such a planner. This is very uncharacteristic of him. I guess our trip to Boston got him going.”

  “A revenge vacation?”

  “No,” I sighed. “This whole situation just sucks. Trying to share Noah like this. He shouldn’t have to deal with this stuff.”

  “Hey,” he said, turning my chin so I was looking at him. “You’re doing the best you can. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

  “That’s easy for you to say, Jeremy. You’re not the one who failed your child.”

  I didn’t mean to snap at him. I knew what he’d said was right, but it didn’t stop me from feeling the way I did.

  He stood up suddenly and I thought he was going to leave because of my attitude, but he didn’t. Instead, he held out his hand to me.

  “C’mon. You need to get outta here.”

  I sat there for a moment, staring at his hand and then I stopped thinking about it and took it with my good hand and stood up.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Away from here because all you’re going to do is think about Noah.”

  I looked around the living room where a few of his toys were still scattered around and I knew Jeremy was right. I needed to get away for a little bit so I wouldn’t focus on the fact I was alone in the house.

  “Okay,” I said and a second later we were making our way out the door and towards his house. “Your place?”

  “I’ve got a great bottle of wine that’s calling your name,” he said, holding the door for me and I stepped inside.

  I hadn’t spent a lot of time at his house. Noah made that impossible. Life revolved around him, but that was how life should be. Now that Noah was gone, I realized the next week was going to open up so many doors that had been closed.

  “I didn’t even get you your dinner,” I winced as we walked into the kitchen, realizing it’d completely slipped my mind.

  “Don’t worry about it, Beth. I’ll make a sandwich.”

  “A sandwich and wine? That sounds like quite a combination.”

  “That’s how we roll Down East,” he said and I couldn’t help but laugh as I sat at the table.

  He went to the cabinet and pulled out two glasses before grabbing the wine and sitting beside me. He poured some for me from a pretty bottle with an antique looking picture of a little child on it and then took a sip.

  “This is good,” I said, taking another sip.

  “It’s Aubrey’s favorite. It’s called Ballet of Angels. It comes from a local vineyard in Connecticut.”

  “It’s delicious,” I said, taking another sip, which was actually the rest of the glass. Jeremy was grinning over at me when I set the glass down.

  “You didn’t tell me you were a lush.”

  “One of my many secrets,” I said, smiling coyly and then grabbed the bottle and poured myself another glass. “I promise to go slower on this one. I can’t get completely tanked.”

  He laughed and stood up, taking my hand. I followed him into the living room where we sat down on the couch. I sipped my wine while he set his on the coffee table and then he reached down, lifting my feet onto his lap. He removed my sandals and then began massaging my feet. I closed my eyes for a moment as he worked his fingers over my skin. I could’ve stayed like that forever, but then his voice interrupted the trance his touch had put me in.

  “It’s kinda strange being alone…not having Noah around,” he said and I couldn’t agree more.

  “I keep forgetting I don’t have to look for him every two seconds,” I said softly and I looked over to him, a reassuring smile on his face.

  “He’ll have a good time and it might not be a bad idea for you to get some time to yourself.”

  I opened my mouth to argue with him, to tell him I
didn’t need any time to myself, but then I stopped because I knew he was right. It probably would do me some good to focus strictly on me for a week. I didn’t know what in the hell I was going to do with myself, but it would be good for me.

  “I know he’ll have a good time. I know it’s important for Noah to spend time with Darren. He’s a good father, despite what I may think of him. I can’t take that from him, but I can’t help but feel a little jealous,” I said and then sighed. “I’m such a mess.” I tried laughing it off, but it hurt and it was hard not to feel a little sorry for myself about how my life had turned out.

  “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

  “You give me too much credit.”

  “I remember seeing you and Amy in the store when we were kids. She was always trying to boss you around. You never let her though,” he said and I had to smile because he was right. My sister had always been outspoken. She had always tried controlling me when we were growing up, but I’d stood my ground with her, which is why I think we had such a good relationship now.

  “How is it that you remember so much about those summers?”

  “Because it was hard to keep my eyes off of you.”

  I felt myself blush, but he didn’t flinch.

  “You didn’t even know me, Jeremy,” I told him quietly.

  “With some people you don’t need to know them to know how special they are,” he began and when I turned to him again he held my face with his hands and was staring at me with those dark eyes of his. “I only saw you when you came into my grandparents’ store, but I never forgot you. There are certain people you see once and that’s all it takes.”

  My heart was pounding as he drew closer, so close his warm breath was tickling my lips. I wanted him to kiss me and if I was being honest, I wanted him to more than kiss me. I wanted to feel this man’s hands on me, his lips on places I shouldn’t want them. I’d told myself I wouldn’t want this again, but I did. I wanted him even though I’d told myself I wouldn’t let someone in again to break my heart, but then he pressed his lips to mine and at that moment I wasn’t worried about a broken heart because my heart didn’t feel broken as his lips moved over mine.