Every Breaking Wave

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  “I’m not done, Beth,” he said and I folded my arms guardedly.

  “I understand why you got upset,” I told him, recalling my talk with Jeremy. “I’ll do better at letting you know when Jeremy’s coming over.”

  “It’s not just that though,” he sighed, running an anxious hand through his hair.

  “Then what is it?”

  “I don’t like seeing you with him,” he began, his eyes staring into mine. “I’m not saying he’s not a good guy. I’m sure he’s fine. Noah loves him, so he must be alright, but I don’t want to see you diving into this relationship…not when there’s a chance we could give this another try.”

  “Excuse me?” I scoffed.

  “You and me. Us.” His voice was low as he moved even closer to me. “If you could just try and forgive me, even the smallest ounce of forgiveness, you might see I’m not as crazy as you think I am. We were so good together, Beth. So good,” he emphasized. “We could be good again. We could have it all again. Noah could have his family back if you’ll just try and let me back in.”

  “Darren…” I said softly, not able to respond any other way.

  I saw him wince, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose before he opened them again, stepping even closer so my body was resting against the car and he was only inches from me.

  “You’re driving me crazy, Beth,” he whispered, reaching up and brushing his fingertips over my cheek. “You’re all I think about anymore. The way you used to feel next to me. The way you tasted. The way you felt when I touched you. I think I’m gonna lose it if I don’t feel it again. Please, baby. Remember the good times before I messed everything up. I’d give anything to take it back so I could have you again. So I could come home to you and Noah every night. I miss you so much.”

  “Darren, don’t,” I whispered as he drew even closer, but he didn’t stop and his lips were pressing on mine a moment later. They were so warm and familiar and it surprised me that it didn’t seem strange. It was as if nothing had changed between us and for one split second, I felt myself giving into the kiss, wanting to tell him we could try again, for Noah’s sake. It only lasted a second though and I abruptly pulled back, tears stinging the backs of my eyes for allowing him to get into my head, to believe if even for a moment that what he did could be repaired. Before I knew what I was doing, I raised my hand and quickly slapped him across the face. I watched as his head jerked back for a moment, and then his hand went to the red mark on his cheek, holding it there for a second, before slowly bringing his gaze back to mine.

  “Don’t you ever try that again. Ever!” I growled, making sure to keep my voice down, but with enough emotion so he understood my point.

  “I felt it, Beth. I felt you kissing me back.”

  His voice was low and calm and he didn’t seem to be affected by the slap at all.

  “We’re done with this…this whole thing. You cheated on me. You destroyed our lives. I thought you destroyed me too, but you didn’t and I’m happy. Why can’t you just let me be happy?”

  “Because it’s not all about you. There’s someone else to think about,” he said softly, his eyes drifting towards the backseat. “I love you, Beth. Just give me another chance to prove it.”

  I opened my mouth to tell him he was insane, but nothing came out and I brushed past him quickly, taking in a deep breath as I tried to collect myself before opening Noah’s door.

  “Hey, buddy!” I said in a chipper voice so he wouldn’t know I was upset.

  “Hi, Mommy,” he said happily and I prayed he hadn’t seen or heard anything we’d said.

  “Do you have everything?” I asked and he nodded, grabbing his bag.

  “Go say goodbye to Daddy,” I told him when what I really wanted to do was just take him and get away from Darren.

  Noah ran over to Darren who scooped him up into a hug. They said their goodbyes and then Noah and I walked across the street. I didn’t say a word to Darren. I didn’t even look back.

  Twenty-Seven

  I’d been a nervous wreck when I returned to the house. I was still reeling from Darren’s kiss. I was a mix of emotions I couldn’t pinpoint. Angry. Pissed. Confused. Aroused. So many emotions that didn’t make sense and when I looked at Jeremy after I returned, I felt the worst emotion of all: guilt. I hadn’t kissed Darren. I hadn’t wanted him to kiss me, but he did kiss me and I didn’t stop him soon enough. I let him kiss me, even if it was for a millisecond. For that blip of time, my heart hadn’t been Jeremy’s and it ached knowing that Darren still had any power over me. I thought I’d been ready to let go of everything with him, but obviously, I wasn’t.

  Jeremy didn’t seem to notice anything though. I’d slid back into the conversation seamlessly while Noah said hello to everyone before joining his cousins in the yard. It was as if nothing had happened, even though I knew something had and it was all I could think about.

  “You’ve been kind of quiet. You okay?” Jeremy said as we drove back to my house. He was holding my hand and I held it back tightly.

  “I’m fine. Just thinking about school tomorrow. The first couple of weeks always get me in a funk,” I replied.

  I hated lying to him, but I didn’t want him to know what Darren had done. I didn’t want him to worry about us. If I was being honest though, I think I was more afraid that I’d be worried for us if we discussed it.

  “It’ll be okay. You’ll get back into the swing of things and everything will be alright.”

  He lifted my hand to his lips, kissing the back of it. I wished it were that simple.

  It was almost seven o’clock when we got back to my house and he still had a long drive up to Travers Cove. I hated thinking of him leaving and as we walked into the house, there was a lingering since of sadness knowing he’d have to leave within the next half an hour if he wanted to make it back at a somewhat decent time.

  Noah asked Jeremy if he’d read to him before bed. I knew Jeremy couldn’t say no and so after his bath, the three of us sat in his room, reading. Noah gave him a big hug when the book was over and then Jeremy and I quietly made our way downstairs.

  “I’m not ready for the weekend to be over,” he said, sliding his arm around my waist once we were in the living room and pulled me onto the couch beside him.

  “It’s been nice,” I said quietly as he started twirling my hair with his finger and then it was quiet for a few moments.

  “Do you think you and Noah might be able to come up soon? Columbus Day maybe?”

  “I don’t know. Perhaps.”

  I didn’t realize how quiet my voice was until Jeremy sat up, looking at me curiously.

  “Beth,” he began. “Really. What’s the matter? You’re not acting like yourself.”

  He was so kind. He cared about me more than I expected to be cared about again. He deserved to know what Darren had been doing to me lately; the confusion he’d been causing in my brain. Darren had lied to me and he’d hurt me. I knew what had been happening between my ex-husband and I was nothing like what Darren had done to our marriage, but if I wanted this thing with Jeremy to continue, I had to be honest because love cannot grow without honesty.

  “Today…” I began nervously. “When Darren dropped Noah off…” My voice trailed off as I thought about how I should tell Jeremy.

  “Did something happen?” he asked, looking into my eyes and I could tell he was worried.

  “He…Darren…he kissed me.”

  It was like I’d pushed a boulder off a cliff. I could see the shock on his face and I waited for him to say something as my heart pounded.

  “What?”

  “He kissed me,” I repeated quietly and I could tell he was taking a moment to gather his thoughts.

  “For fear of sounding like an asshole,” he finally said. “Was it mutual?”

  I think he was waiting for me to jump in immediately to tell him it wasn’t and when I didn’t, I could see him growing even more nervous.

  “I didn’t want hi
m to kiss me. I did nothing to encourage it,” I said, but then I wondered if maybe I had unknowingly because I hadn’t told Darren to go to hell the moment he started making overtures towards me again.

  “Then it wasn’t mutual,” he concluded as he looked at me, waiting for me to say something to reaffirm his statement.

  “Things have been complicated, Jeremy,” I began softly and I saw his back straighten and the worry in his eyes started to grow.

  “Complicated how?”

  “Darren and me.”

  “Are you going to fill me in?” he asked and if I wasn’t mistaken, I heard an edge to his voice.

  “I’m trying, Jeremy,” I said and I could feel tears stinging the backs of my eyes. “Ever since he took Noah to Disney World…he’s been talking about us being a family again.”

  “Why haven’t you told me this?”

  I couldn’t tell if he was angry or what, but I knew he wasn’t happy.

  “I didn’t want you to worry.”

  “Then why are you telling me now? Do I have something to worry about now?”

  “Jeremy…” I stammered. “I’m so confused.”

  “What’s there to be confused about? Darren’s a prick who didn’t know a good thing when he had it.”

  I was surprised by the tone in his voice. I’d never pegged Jeremy as the jealous type, but I wasn’t naïve enough not to hear it in his voice now.

  “He’s also Noah’s father,” I said as a frustrated tear fell down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away and watched Jeremy for his reaction.

  “What are you saying, Beth?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head.

  “Are you thinking about getting back together with him?” he openly scoffed.

  “I don’t want to get back with him, but he’s made me think about a lot of things,” I said almost in a whisper.

  “Like what?”

  The angry tone from earlier was replaced with a quiet curiosity.

  “Like what’s best for Noah.”

  “And what do you think is best for Noah?”

  “To have both of his parents in his life.”

  “He does have you both.”

  “But he gets bounced from house to house, always having to share his time.”

  “So,” he sighed. “You do want to get back with Darren.”

  “No,” I replied quickly. “I don’t want to be with Darren. I want to be with you.”

  I grabbed his hand and held it tightly with both of mine.

  “Then why all of this turmoil, Beth?”

  “Because even though I want you, a little part of me can’t help but think maybe Darren’s right in a way. I loved him once,” I said, trying to convince myself of my own words as I spoke. “And I’ve never seen him so remorseful for what he did. I don’t want to believe him, but a little part of me says I should…for Noah’s sake. I don’t know what the hell I should do.”

  Jeremy cupped his hand on his mouth and then exhaled deeply.

  “Only you can make this decision, Beth. I know you want what’s best for Noah. I want what’s best for him too, but I don’t think getting back with your ex is what’s best for him, but what I think doesn’t matter. You’re his mother. This is your life and I just want you to be happy.”

  I felt another tear escape my eye and he reached up, wiping it away with his thumb.

  “I thought this was over,” I whispered. “I thought I was done with Darren. I thought I had let it all go, but I guess I was wrong. I went to Travers Cove to move on to the next stage of my life without Darren. I never expected to meet you though, which confuses the hell out of me. I didn’t expect to care about someone as much as I care about you…not yet. I wasn’t ready to meet you.”

  I watched as he exhaled deeply, leaning back against the couch.

  “Where do we go from here?”

  “I don’t know,” I said and I was afraid to hear his answer.

  He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, looking down for a moment before looking up at me.

  “You know me, Beth. When you’re with me, I’m all in. There is no one else. I don’t know if you can say that right now.”

  He didn’t sound angry. He sounded concerned and then he reached over, grabbing my hand and looking into my eyes. “You know I love you, Beth, but I want you to be happy. As much as I want to sit here and tell you it’s ridiculous that you’d even think about forgiving him and getting back together with him, I won’t do that because I don’t know what it feels like. You and Darren share a child and even though I don’t have a kid, I know there’s no bond stronger than that. I know you just want what’s best for Noah and maybe I shouldn’t say this, but I have to,” he said and his voice trailed off, the hesitation obvious. “You deserve better than him. Whether it’s me or someone else, he doesn’t deserve you. He had you once. He had you for life and he threw it away and now he wants a second chance because he knows what he’s lost, but you’ve gotta know you deserve better.”

  More tears began to trail down my face, slow and silent, and I nodded because I knew everything he said was the truth. I did deserve better. I deserved the man before me.

  “I don’t want to lose you, Jeremy,” I said, wiping my eyes, trying not to fall apart.

  “And I don’t want to lose you, Beth. That’s the last thing I want.”

  “Then what do we do?”

  “I don’t think we can say,” he sighed, his eyes looking away before he looked back at me and he reached up, grazing my cheek with his fingertips. “First, you’ve gotta take care of yourself and then we have to see where we end up.”

  I wiped my eyes and then leaned into his chest. I felt his arms around me and I never wanted him to let me go. I hated this uncertainty. I hated not knowing if I’d ever see him again after tonight. He’d become so important to me and I couldn’t stand the thought of him disappearing from my life. Why was this even an issue? Why was I allowing the man who’d betrayed everything we’d had to even consider giving up what Jeremy and I had built? There was only one reason I didn’t tell Darren to go to hell and that reason was the most important thing in my life: Noah.

  It was quiet as I lay in his arms. He held me tightly and brushed my hair with his fingers. I think we both just wanted to remember this moment in case we didn’t share any more like it again. Even if I got my act together, Jeremy might not wait for me and I didn’t blame him. He’d already been through too much in his life. All he wanted was a family and someone to love him. He deserved all that because men like Jeremy were once in a lifetime loves and I knew I had to be crazy to give up my one chance when I’d already experienced the highest highs of love and the absolute lowest lows.

  “I should probably get going. We’re heading out at four a.m. and Bill won’t be happy if I’m late,” Jeremy said a while later, finally letting me go.

  We stood up and then he walked over to the door, picking up his bag and flinging it over his shoulder.

  “Let me walk you out,” I said softly and he nodded as he took my hand.

  It was dark as we made our way to his SUV. He unlocked the doors and then tossed his bag into the backseat before turning to me.

  “I don’t deserve you, Jeremy,” I said quietly, linking my fingers with his as a sweet smile tried gracing his face. I knew it was hard for him though. He was hurting and I hated that I was causing him pain.

  “You’re right,” he said, brushing the hair off my forehead. “You don’t deserve me. You deserve everything.”

  I could feel my lip trembling at his words. No one should be this understanding. Most guys wouldn’t dare be this accepting of my situation, but he wasn’t most guys.

  “I love you, Beth,” he said, pulling me to him.

  I expected him to push his lips to mine fiercely, kissing me long and hard in case this thing between us fell apart and we never got the chance again, but he didn’t. Instead, he pressed his lips to my forehead, resting them there as the gentleness of his kiss mel
ted into my being. I opened my mouth to tell him I loved him back, but I couldn’t. The words wouldn’t come out. I was too afraid to say it.

  “Call me when you’re ready,” he said and I nodded.

  He climbed inside his SUV and I felt my eyes getting teary as he waved and then drove away.

  I stood there for a few moments, forcing myself not to cry. I’d just let a wonderful man drive away with no certainty that I’d ever see him again…with no idea where we really stood. I’d been so anxious for the weekend. He’d met my family, he’d seen Noah again and we’d shared desperately needed time together and now he was gone.

  I didn’t let the tears fall because I didn’t know if there was anything to cry over yet. I hadn’t lost him. He was still in my life for now.

  The house seemed so different without him when I walked back inside. It had been so full over the weekend. It was too quiet now. I was alone, except for my son who was sound asleep upstairs. I went to his room and peeked inside. I watched him for a few moments. He was sprawled out, completely unaware of my problems, and that was exactly the way I wanted it. His job was to be a kid and my job was to give him the best life possible, even though I didn’t know what that meant anymore.

  I quietly walked into his room and kissed him on the head before making my way to the bathroom. I washed my face and brushed my teeth and then went to my own bedroom. I was surprised to see the bed was made. I’d left it a mess and the only explanation was that Jeremy had made it while I was taking care of Noah in the bath. The gesture didn’t surprise me. It was something he would do, but then my eyes focused on my pillow. A single red tulip lay across it along with a folded piece of paper with my name written on it. Beth.

  I reached down, picking up the tulip and then sat down on the bed as I reached for the note, unfolding it and staring down at the familiar handwriting.

  Tonight when you go to sleep, remember that although I’m not with you, you’re always in my heart. -Jeremy

  I must’ve read the note at least twenty times and each time I did, my heart ached a little more and a knot started to grow in my throat. I saw the tears splash onto the paper and I quickly wiped them away, folding the note and tucking it into the nightstand drawer. I laid the tulip on the pillow beside mine…the pillow he’d used. I flicked off the light so the room was dark and I crawled into bed, pulling the covers up tightly as I tried not to think of Jeremy getting further and further away from me as each mile ticked by on his odometer. That was impossible though. He was all I could think about and I prayed the dull ache in my heart wouldn’t get any worse as I tried to get past this and focus on my real life, which wasn’t going to wait for a wounded heart.