We spent the evening talking and I expressed my true feelings and how I was unhappy and feeling lost and confused. I told him I still loved him but couldn’t continue to be abused by his words when he felt like being an ass. I was his wife and I felt like we were on two different chapters in a book. We both cried that night and Toni said he understood my concerns and had no real reason for the bad treatment. He tried to tell me about his childhood and how rough he had it growing up in a low-income household and not feeling supported by his family and having to “grow up too fast,” but we all had a past and a story, so I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted him to step up to the plate and own up to his behavior. I felt like I had been biting my tongue for too long and this was not like me.
I hoped change was coming, as this deployment would be a true testament to his behavior since he promised yet again to change and be a better man.
Hate Mail…
This must have been a record, as it took Toni all of two weeks into his deployment to start acting like an ass again. This time it was even worse than last time, and he wouldn’t even apologize for the hurtful words he often threw at me via phone, email or by mail.
Ring, ring.
“Good morning, Shantal,” I said, greeting my tenant on the phone. “How is everything?”
“Everything is great. I have good news and bad news.”
I first thought something bad happened to my townhome. Shantal had been living in this house for over two years now and she was a great tenant.
“Is everything okay?”
“Everything is great. I was calling to let you know I’m getting married.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thank you. I know this is a strange request, but I’m hoping to break my lease because my fiancé and I need to save some money for the wedding, so I’m moving in with him.”
“Oh, okay.” I didn’t know how to react, as this house in Georgia took care of itself with the rent. I was able to start saving money again since there was always two hundred dollars extra per month, and with limited repairs needed, I was able to have a secret reserve fund of over two thousand dollars. Toni knew I saved the money from this house, but he never knew how much was being saved every month. I had to replace the water tank, which cost me three hundred dollars last year, but I didn’t have to ask Toni for the money, so he knew I used the reserved money to replace it.
“I hope you’re not mad. I have enough to pay the next two months and I’ll be out by then.”
Before I could say anything, she said, “I was hoping you could find a tenant during those two months, and I promise to clean the place before I leave and make it rent friendly.”
“I’m not worried about that, but thanks for the heads-up. Can I get back to you by Friday with an update on everything? Maybe I can ask Angela to work out the details in my absence.”
“Thanks so much, yes, yes, please keep me posted.”
As I hung up the phone, I wondered if this was a sign from God. I had been going to church regularly and had been in a funk. So maybe some time in Atlanta could be helpful; maybe I could find work and get back on my feet while I figured things out.
***
October 1
Well, I haven’t called in a while, but I wanted to write. A lot has transpired and a lot will continue to happen moving forward. To be honest, it’s disturbing to see your behavior over and over again with you crying about this relationship. The navy has pushed us apart and is taking me places mentally I don’t want to be.
You talk about you are your father’s child and now you’re going to church. Then you and Natalie go to some stupid wine fest. Some Christian you are…
I hope this letter upsets you because I am exhausted with you. I can’t take it. I’m already on this ship, and I am almost certain that you don’t realize how annoying you can be. I’m not stupid, you’re the one that is stupid. You have nothing and you have to deal with your “boring” life now. You thought you was so much better than me when we first met and now look at you.
Don’t think I don’t know about your secrets. Johnny tells me you and Natalie talk all the time, but she is not your friend. You have no friends.
Maybe I shouldn’t send you this letter because I am so pissed right now because Humphreys and Warner got us in trouble this morning.
Anyway, love ya.
The hate mail started just rolling in and I became defeated and so depressed after every letter.
October 6
Hey, you didn’t pick up the phone, so I figured I’d email you. Why aren’t you picking up the phone? I know you’re at work, but you don’t do shit anyway, so you can still pick up when I call. You know I have limited phone time.
You always put you first. I’m just tired. I was hoping for better from you while I was away. You always running around, this is why you lost your baby, if it was mine anyway. I’m not stupid, I see how you look at the guys on the ship. Remember, you are your father’s child.
I’m getting things off my chest now while it is fresh on my mind. I’m glad everyone is helping you adjust, talking and hanging out with you, but what am I doing? Stuck on this damn ship with these assholes every day.
However rude this letter is, I hope it wakes you up. My trust in you is on shaky ground after you told me how you felt before I left. I know I promised to do better, but I just wanted you to stop crying.
Felix says women always cry for attention. Is this why you cry all of the time? If so, cut it out because you won’t get any more attention from me. I’m tired of it. You try to be so tough in front of people, but you are so weak it’s a joke.
Anyway, bye.
October 8
Well, I reread a few of my letters and started not to send it, but after I reread them I decided to let it ride. You have a lot on your plate, and you manage a lot of our responsibilities, I can’t thank you enough. In the meantime while I’m gone, enjoy life, make it more about you and your goals and less about us. Right now I do not feel very confident in your behavior. I love you too much to cause you any more pain. It’s painful feeling what I feel. I’ve prayed and prayed for guidance and assurance and I feel unrewarded because of you.
I really do not trust you. You are sneaky and seem to do things on the fly. You use pressure and people’s emotions to get what you want. Everyone is against me on this ship and it’s because of you running your mouth to Natalie about our business. You’re making me out to be the bad guy and now everyone feels sorry for poor JR and calls me an asshole because of you.
I hope you’re upset after reading this! I hope you sit down and think why something so innocent is so wrong. Why is Toni so cold in this letter, why is Toni disregarding my feelings? Why is he running me and my emotions into the ground? It’s because I don’t care anymore.
Anyway, thanks for the care package you sent, by the way.
Peace.
October 12
So I found out most military relationships end in divorce, I found that funny. This past month is just the beginning. I have five more months out here. So far I feel I can expect what most sailors are feeling: guilt, hurt and insecure or untrusting of their loved ones’ actions. I don’t feel good writing this letter, but I feel it needs to be said. Our journey may not be greater than the destination. Oh yeah, please send my ATM card back. I feel like you’re spending too much money. I can see the accounts. I see you spent $35 last week in Macy’s and another $62 in Walmart. Who are you spending all of this money on? You better not have no man in my home where I pay the bills. That will make you a slut.
Bye.
October 13
My love for you is still very present, but my trust is weakened. My commitment to you and this “relationship” is falling backwards. I might be wrong by being so hard on you, but I have to share my feelings. I see what these guys go through on this ship and I don’t want that to be me. You always say your guard is up, but now mine is up.
I have to admit, I’ve been miserable these last f
ew weeks, so I hope these letters don’t hurt you too bad.
May God Bless you,
Toni
October 15
Well, I just got back from church and I sang, cried and prayed and worshiped, and I am not giving up on you, on us. I will allow things to take a normal course. I apologize only for allowing my displeasure to build up. I have been going through counseling per the chief’s orders, and Felix and I understand I am not perfect, but neither are you.
We have been through a lot (I more so than you). However, with all the changes, we have yet to complete any real goals. I have more to say, but I figure I’ll wait until I get to hear your voice again. It’s been over two weeks and I miss hearing your voice.
Talk to you soon.
Over the next two and a half months the letters and emails continued. I thought I was going to lose my mind, as I was scared for my own life as Toni went deeper and deeper into purposely hurting my feelings and trying to weaken my spirits.
What have I gotten myself into? I didn’t understand what I did to make him so angry. Toni was a totally different man. Why was he so angry and bitter? Did he hate me and his life this much? I had a million thoughts running through my head. I felt like a walking mess, I would cry at the drop of a dime, I couldn’t even concentrate at work. I felt depressed and became antisocial.
I had enough; I was so over this relationship and over being unhappy. I packed up my car, sent Toni one final email, and drove back to Atlanta.
Good-bye Norfolk and Welcome Back to Atlanta…
Hey Toni,
I hope this email finds you well. I’ll try not to stress you out by being too emotional, but these last few months have been very interesting, and needless to say, I have been so unhappy it scares me. My tenant has moved out of my townhome in Georgia, so at first I was going to just drive down to check on everything. But I decided to drive down to refocus on me… yes, me. I can’t do this anymore and I can’t think of a better time to leave than now.
I don’t know how this email will affect you. Who knows, I may be back when you get back to Norfolk. I will still continue to pay the bills in the apartment in your absence, as I spoke to the property manager and told her you were on deployment and I was going back to Atlanta, so she said she will work with us on things.
Don’t worry, I didn’t take anything. I only took what was mine, which was my clothes (as much as I was able to get in the car) and a few kitchen items. I left the TVs.
Best of luck and peace,
JR
Be on the lookout for the next
Jamie Reynolds Chronicles:
Secrets Revealed… The Beginning
About the Author
Originally from Brooklyn, New York, with parents from Trinidad and Tobago. Casandra graduated college with a BA degree in Mass Media Arts at Morris Brown College in Atlanta, GA., where she resided for many years. In 2007, Casandra went back to college to obtain her master’s in Adult Education and currently works as an Online Program Coordinator for a school of natural medicine.
Casandra always wanted to write a book but hesitated for many years, as she suffers from adult dyslexia. She never allowed her disability to hold her back on anything, and she finally completed her first book, Jamie Reynolds Chronicles: Lust and Lies, in 2015.
She is the successful owner of Smell the Sunset, LLC, which is an umbrella company for Creative Encores, LLC, an event planning business, and What’s Good USA, a Good News website that highlights good news from around the United States and her newest adventure author.
Casandra lives by many mottos, but her favorite one is “Live today, Laugh often and Love always,” which is also tattooed on her left arm to remind her every day to Live, Laugh and Love.
www.SmellTheSunset.com
Stay Connected
www.JamieReynoldsChronicles.com
Follow “The Jamie Reynolds Chronicles” fan page on Facebook
Follow the author on Twitter: @ThisisCeCe
Acknowledgements
I wish to personally thank the following people for their contributions in inspiring years of memories, knowledge and other help in creating this book:
My parents, who raised me right and pushed me to want more for myself. My mom always said, “I would be the first millionaire in the family,” and I carried these words throughout my life and work hard to make this dream come true.
Towanda, you have been by my side since 2003 and seen me at my best and worst moments, and without judgment you loved and supported me. Apollo, who listened to my dreams, goals and visions and pushed me to go after them, thank you.
Gillian Felix (Plain Talk Book Marketing), for not only giving me direction but also the motivation to finally finish this book, and provided the guidance and connection to make it happen.
Pauline Nolet, my editor, I didn’t think this was possible and was scared to send my book because of my disability, but you were a trooper and made the editing process very smooth and comfortable. I can’t wait to work with you again.
Laura H. I am new at all of this, but you provided editorial guidance and designed an amazing cover. Thanks for your ongoing support and listening to me talk about this book.
My kids (dogs), for the unconditional love I get no matter what stage I’m at in my life.
Finally to all my true friends and family.
I am a stronger person because of you all, thanks for believing in me.
Go back to Contents
Table of Contents
Dedication
Good-bye Atlanta and Hello…
Only Ten Hours to Go
Home Sweet Home…
I Prayed for You…
What Did You Do to Antonio?
We Need to Talk…
Two Months, Ten Days, and a Whole Lot of Hours…
One-Hour Trip to New Jersey…
You Can’t Change the Flight or the Closing…
Damn, Seven Hours, I Got to Go…
What a Mess…
How About Tomorrow…
I Smiled at Myself and Embraced This New Relationship…
Round Two Was Much More Enjoyable…
$150 Only Lasted a Week…
I Understand, Daddy…
Damn, I Can’t Wait…
Dinner and Talking…
You Want to Talk About It…
Wait, You Did What…
It’s a Promise…
I Am at a Loss for Words…
Do You Need Me to Call 911…
Graduation Day…
You Are Your Father’s Child…
Does This Mean What I Think It Means?
I Moved For You…
Closer to Atlanta…
This is My New Life…
This Can’t Be Happening…
Hate Mail…
Good-bye Norfolk and Welcome Back to Atlanta…
About the Author
Acknowledgements
Lust and Lies (The Jamie Reynolds Chronicles #1) Page 22
